Archive for the ‘Freakin’ tag
NEW, my story.
Hello, I am new here. I will briefly state my story and then get down to what I posted this thread for. I am a 29 year old female. I have been drinking HEAVILY since about 2003. I have lost my family, my kids, numerous jobs, and numerous significant others. It has been a HELL RIDE, as most of you know. Recently, I went with my boyfriend to LA for Thanksgiving, I had been sober for two weeks and just started a new job at a Mental Hospital/ Recovery Center. It turns out, even though I could have a glass of wine or two with dinner, and not experience anything, my boyfriend had just HAD IT. He started becoming so argumentative (over rather stupid S*&%) that it escalated into a full blown fight. Needless to say, the next day he left with a girl, and I hit the streets, went and got a Sparks, wandered around, talked witha homeless man for 45 mins, went and got another.....blah blah blah.
We agreed upon the stipulations of the breakup (we lived together) and agreed I would leave in a week. He took me to the airport, I went to the bar, missed my flight, because of being too intoxicated, (THIS is where it gets veeeery fuzzy) and I do not care to discuss the details of this part.
Now he dumped me at a friends house (who also drinks, and likes it when I do, for reasons I probably dont have to tell you)
All my junk tossed into boxes hastily. No way to get to work, none of my things, yadda yadda. Let's just say ITS HEAVY. Much too much for a girl that has been through it all.)
I have been essentially drinking since I got "home".......lots and lots.......
I have not touched it in three days. The turmoil I have experienced is incredible.
Now I am not seeking medical advice, but my hangovers are HUGELY medically related. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that I have the symptoms of an alcoholic that has been drinking for 20 freakin years!
Shaking, like a leaf, so bad I cant sign my signature or hold a cup. Convulsing, hallucinating, nerves going berserk, thoughts that dont make sense, (which is hard for me because I am, or USED to be very intelligent)
hearing things, ears ringing, not being able to even close my eyes because of the specs and things.
Yes, I know, I need medical attention. I refuse because of increased anxeity, no insurance, and I have been through this before. It's totally assinine, I know.
I am totally scared out of my gourd. I have already been to rehab which cost my family 10 grand, got out after 6 weeks, and was drinking within a week.
My emotional turmoil causes this, I know, but THERE IS SO MUCH!
I have not drank for three days and the symptoms are still there, which is ultimately frustrating and disconcerting. I have alot of anger and depression also.
We agreed upon the stipulations of the breakup (we lived together) and agreed I would leave in a week. He took me to the airport, I went to the bar, missed my flight, because of being too intoxicated, (THIS is where it gets veeeery fuzzy) and I do not care to discuss the details of this part.
Now he dumped me at a friends house (who also drinks, and likes it when I do, for reasons I probably dont have to tell you)
All my junk tossed into boxes hastily. No way to get to work, none of my things, yadda yadda. Let's just say ITS HEAVY. Much too much for a girl that has been through it all.)
I have been essentially drinking since I got "home".......lots and lots.......
I have not touched it in three days. The turmoil I have experienced is incredible.
Now I am not seeking medical advice, but my hangovers are HUGELY medically related. I have done some research and have come to the conclusion that I have the symptoms of an alcoholic that has been drinking for 20 freakin years!
Shaking, like a leaf, so bad I cant sign my signature or hold a cup. Convulsing, hallucinating, nerves going berserk, thoughts that dont make sense, (which is hard for me because I am, or USED to be very intelligent)
hearing things, ears ringing, not being able to even close my eyes because of the specs and things.
Yes, I know, I need medical attention. I refuse because of increased anxeity, no insurance, and I have been through this before. It's totally assinine, I know.
I am totally scared out of my gourd. I have already been to rehab which cost my family 10 grand, got out after 6 weeks, and was drinking within a week.
My emotional turmoil causes this, I know, but THERE IS SO MUCH!
I have not drank for three days and the symptoms are still there, which is ultimately frustrating and disconcerting. I have alot of anger and depression also.
I feel trapped (This is a whiney post, so be warned…)
I don’t like doing this but I felt like I had to put my whininess out here. I would have put it in Whiners Anonymous, but it’s a little too long (besides, I like using WA for more humorous complaints).
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
It’s not exactly a bad day, but not good, either. I'm starting to get that pseudo-panicky feeling (I’m not quite sure how to describe it)...like I just need to get far away from everyone (myself included). I drank a fair amount last night and want more tonight, but I'm not leaving the house to get any.
I'm not where I need to be in life. I do not know how to get to where I want to go. Organizational skills would help but I seem to be lacking in that department. I'm getting too old for this crap. I'm supposed to be a self-sufficient person. I hate depending upon people. I'm not even living on my own right now. When I was on my own, I was living in a crappy apartment making it paycheck to paycheck and wasting my "disposable income" on tons of booze.
I've never had a good job my entire working career. I have a degree and I flip burgers for a living. I am stuck working a low wage job with no hopes for better employment. As much as I told myself that I was not going to let it bother me this time around, I don’t know how to do that. All I’m doing right now is dreading tomorrow in that negative workplace. I deserve so much better than what I do now. I just need someone in this crappy town to give me a freakin’ chance. I am a great worker plus I can think for myself. I do not need to be micromanaged and I am dependable.
I am lonely. I am starved for face to face adult conversation. I do not know how to take charge of my “happiness level”. I cannot “think it and be it”. I cannot “fake it until I make it”. With each day that passes I feel like I know less and that means confusion galore. Nothing makes any sense to me--add that onto the fact that I’ve always felt out of place. I’m so tired of not knowing what I should do, of not knowing what will work for me.
This makes me so mad. I was creating art work again. I was getting excited about it. I haven’t done anything with it today because the motivation is simply not there. What is wrong with me? Why can’t I just produce? The desire is there, but I don’t know how to get back what it is that I lost. I feel like there’s a part of me that’s a little dead inside.
Struggling.
I have a question.. new here.. I was wondering if someone with almost 3 years of sobriety.. good sobriety.. gets curious and takes a hit off of a joint.. freakin hates the feeling.. has no desire to do it again.. Seriously begins looking at the reality of where her relationship with God is to cause this to happen.. and steps up the meditation.. does this constitute a relapse?? new date.. etc..??
