Drug Rehab Options Blog

hey everyone,
been reading for quite awhile but only recently signed up. I am 6 days sober after a tough detox but am feeling ok physically now. I used to be very outgoing with a lot of friends but in my early sobriety I just want to be alone. I haven't answered my phone since being sober and I'm not sure why. I feel like I want to wait until I am comfortable with my sobriety until I unveil the new me to the world or something. I know that is unrealisitic because who knows how long it will take me to be completely comfortable with being sober. I guess my question would be, is it bad for my sobriety to be isolated for a long period of time or should I try and reconnect with friends and family sooner than later. thanks for reading

I am already glad I found you all. A year ago the Alzheimers forums were my life line (I was primary care giver for my grand father until he died), and I find myself once again unable to cope on my own.

I am 42, and have been drinking since I was 15 minus a few good years. I have always only been a 6pack at night, 12 pack on the weekends nights girl, no hiding booze or daytime drinking. I beat a gnarly meth addiction 15 years ago cold turkey on my own.

Many of my friends and family are binge/black out drinkers, and I am always the one trying to keep them safe and telling the stories the next day.

Last Saturday (12/27) it was my turn to over indulge. I had a party, woke up the next day with a hellacious headache, and heard a story from my 21 year old daughter. Someone I love very much came out to find me and her husband in a sexual situation, and I believe others who know and love us both were there and encouraging the behavior.

I feel like I will never be able to face myself in a mirror again. This is not me, this is not who I am. I dont remember any of it. I want to not believe it, but I do. I cant talk to my daughter without crying of the shame. I will never be able to face any of the people involved again.

The only way I can see a light anywhere at the end of this mess, the only hope I have, is that I will never drink again so that nothing like this EVER has a chance of happpening again.

I hurt so badly I could die

Hi, my name is Cessy, I am a regular at the friends and family of addicts forum.

I have an addict boyfriend that lives with me, and my story is long- I will spare you the details.

I just had a couple questions about the pills he's takeing (out of curiosity).

He 'says' it's oxycodone he takes.

On a day where he 'says he's being honest' - he says he does about 10 a day.

He has a history with coke and alcohol, but the pills have replaced that almost entierly. Not that I condone any drugs, the coke and alcohol were an occasional thing- this is ABSOLUTE abuse -that has severely impacted his life. (and of course mine).

He keeps saying 'he's gonna get help' - bla bla bla. I know what I need to do there....

My question is as follows.... out of curiosity, I'm wondering how you know someone has progressed to 'snorting' pills?

I see a difference in him. He acts different now when he is high- I always could tell- but now it is very very noticeable.

When I kissed him the other night- I tasted something bitter...???

He claimed he did a line of coke? I don't buy it, because the buzz I've seen him with on coke is very different, (mouth movements etc.)

He is either happy happy high, or sleeeeeeping all the time (not high)

Just wondering if he is getting really bad......

Any insight would interest me.

Thank you,
Cessy

Hi everyone -

I'm mostly a lurker but have posted once before.

Last Tuesday, my AH started Antabuse! WOW!! What a difference!!

He has been doing great and I see the person I knew was there but who was hiding.

He made the decision by himself to start (he was going to wait until after New Year) and has been SO calm. This is the man I knew was trying to come out but was afraid to.

I am so proud of him for making this step. I do not know what tomorrow will bring but I do finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.

I pray for all of you that your "drinker" will see that the path they are on is going nowhere, and make the change you have been wishing for.

I also pray that my "drinker" will see that the person he was is not a person his friends and family want to be around. I do not know how long this will last but I am cherishing every sober moment with him.

I thank God for this reprieve from the anger and uncertainty. I now have strength to hang on a little longer.

Happy New Year to you all, wherever you are in your journey. Your stories have strengthened me. I am not alone. Nor are you.

S

:bbf:

Hi friends
I wanted to write this eulogy to my ex. He is an alcoholic. We broke up about 3 months ago and now he is going out with another girl - another alcoholic. Tonight I just feel very sad and at a loss of words so I wanted to share this eulogy and if you need it you can write one for any person you miss.
Thank you and hugs to you all.

Friends and family,
It is with deep grief and sadness that I talk here... as you know, I spent most of year 2008 with ___. He was the love of my life and I miss him very much. I remember all our little games. I remember his smile and his hugs... our life together in love. All those nights in my flat, watching TV, kissing, cooking... we were always talking or sending messages... he was everything to me, my joy, my strength, my faith. I have to admit many times I hope I did not remember him.. this has been too painful.
I can go on and on for days and weeks and months as I have lately, replaying my fond memories with him. I will just say that I miss him, my boyfriend, my best friend. Life is just not the same one without him in my life. It will never be.

My non-AW has a nightly drink just before bed. I've posted about this, mostly in Friends and Family. Apologies to anyone whose getting sick of hearing about it. Yesterday was our office christmas party. My wife and I work together. It went as well as it could. Was looking forward to time alone afterward. But it was tense...I have a call out to my sponsor.

I'm still trying to get my head around it, I'm making some progress, but each new wall I break through, another gets built up again. Damn...
We have tried to talk about it several times.

OK... I know that she is non A. She is an adult and should be able to have a drink in her own home. I am the one with the disease, I should, in her words, "Suck it up" and I was the one who "F$#ked up". She has settled down a little and her posture has softened... But she resents being made to feel defensive about it.

I have been able to sit with her in the same room some nights. I'll sip on herbal tea for sleep while she enjoys her white wine spritzer. Some nights, well, most nights, I'll just read (or come here to SR) in another room until bed and then we turn in together...

I was able on Sunday to tell her I feel.... Shame that my disease makes it so I can't join her, Guilt. I feel like the bad boy who has to stand in the corner and can't do what the grown ups can... Lonely, damn lonely. And of course, the, "I'll have to do this forever???" It helped to talk it over. But it doesn't change the fact that she has a drink before bed, and I need to get over it...

I know I need to give her space, and probably should just go to bed. But that increases the loneliness and, part of my pill addiction was insomnia and sleeping pills, and I can't sleep because I am thinking too much about it. It's made worse sometimes because she almost comes out and tells me to go to bed. I know she feels this way because I make her feel self conscious if I'm still up and if I go to bed, she doesn't have to think about me and how I'll feel if she drinks in front of me. But it sucks, because I am sleeping so much better now without all the alcohol and even the sleeping pills. And I love to go to sleep with her next to me, something we have missed the last 2-3 years, because before rehab and my recovery, I'd just have a few drinks, take a pill and leave her alone downstairs with her Newsweek, or People, whatever, and I'd pass out in bed.

But now I have FEAR... I don't want to go through life with me in bed and her downstairs at what is probably the only time of the day we get to have quiet time together. FEAR about what happens on christmas eve, when we have always had time together and a couple of drinks by the fire with the christmas music. AND more FEAR, because, hmmm, maybe I should start taking some type of sleeping pill and just knock myself out, like I used to do.... Let her have her space...Really, I started to think like that a little bit today. That's why I am posting. I got to share it...

How can I let go ????

This is so hard. We love each other so much. I don't want to make her feel smothered and not free to do the things she enjoys. But, damn, as speaker in rehab said, and now I really know it's true, "last I heard, early recovery still sucks..."

I know, I'm feeling sorry for myself. I'll be stronger tomorrow.

Thanx for letting me share.

Mark

I have been drinking on and off for about 20 years. Mostly binge drinking, can't stop when I start and hiding it from friends and family, etc. Last night was my last straw, I got really drunk and told my husband that I wanted to quit. He is extremely supportive. I guess I don't know where to begin...any suggestions would be great! Thank you!

STBXAH lost his part time job... due to poor performance. He claims their expectations were too high. I'm pissed because that means things will be tight AGAIN this Christmas, but I know I can't do anything about it and blow it off.

He was very reclusive this weekend. There were tons of friends and family over and he sat in a corner on his computer... hardly talked to anyone... even ate alone. I ignored him the entire time (actually, we all did). No problem.

Our anniversary has rolled around and he sends me FLOWERS. Anyone who knows me knows I'm not the kind of person you send flowers to. Chocolates, yes! Flowers, no! #2, I'M the one paying for them. He's not working. He's using my own money to send me flowers!! #3, this is a SHAM OF A MARRIAGE, I've been unhappy for TWO YEARS, and he knows it.

And yet still, I want to see this as the beginning of him changing. I want to say "oh look! He's trying!" When I really think about it, I realize... he's still drinking, he still has his online girlfriend, he still doesn't have a job, he still is a complete a$$, etc, etc. He's not CHANGING, he's just playing me.

Everyone at work is wondering why I'm so pissed off because I got flowers.

Here's something I've noticed lately:

My recovery friends and I frequently enjoy a much better relationship than the friends and family in my life who aren't in recovery (normies).

Even though we addicts can be a very sick and even toxic group, often when we argue or upset each other, I'll notice that we both will come back and apologize, make amends, much sooner than in the normie world.

Also, we are striving to be honest with each other, which is a treat to watch. I can see the NA friends struggle with themselves sometimes, and then tell me the often painful truth rather than a convenient lie.

None of my so-called normal friends would ever have the nerve to pull me up on my cr@p, but my NA friends do. It isn't always easy, but it helps me in the long run.

One of them, Mary, and I were talking about another woman that we don't really like at our home group one day. Both of us got quiet after spewing some mean-spirited remarks, and we both said "This is wrong!" at the same time. That wouldn't happen in the real world too much. Gossip's currency in normal life.

So we aren't perfect people, but most of us are working on being better people. Maybe everyone in the world should work 12 steps???:ghug
KJ

I normally post under friends and family, which has been a sanity-saver, but I thought perhaps you could help me out by sharing your experience. Sometimes I feel I need to get the perspective of addicts/alcoholics to make sense of things.

I met my ABF two years ago and I thought he was just a party animal who loves to go out with the boys (I successfully ignored the signs that it might be more than that). He did not drink consistently, but when he did he was wasted. For the first year of our relationship the frequency seemed within the ordinary. Then he had more binges (he was living with me by that time). He would go to the bar and come home to pass out wherever), but overall he was more sober than not.

I went away for the summer and we couldn't talk much. When I came back, he was binge-drinking every night and smoking pot before work and in the evening, on weekends all day long. I had no idea what in the world was going on. He said at first he was depressed and missed me and it seems as if there was a point of no return somewhere. August and September were hard for us because he drank, I nagged, he blamed me, I blamed him, etc. We had some good and honest talks in between, but overall we were both stressed to the max which gives me bad anxiety and makes him drink and there you have that viscious cycle....

He then moved out (for work-related reasons) and things calmed down a bit. I was reading here and got lots of great support from lovely people here at SR. We don't see each other often right now, but the last time I was at his place I saw several empty vodka bottles on the kitchen counter, which was new. He has never had hard liquor at home. Recently he spent one night in jail for something minor (a verbal argument while drunk) and when I picked him up the next day, he bought a can of Jim Beam and Coke and drank it in less than 30 seconds. He wanted to open the can in the car, but I asked him not to. This was also different: in the past he would have never involved me in anything even remotely illegal. He still treats me well, but with less effort (I don't know how else to put it). He calls me less and less. He was planning on coming over recently, but got wasted instead.

I am now trying to keep my cool, focus on myself, and hope for the best. But the progression worries me. He is not totally distancing himself (yet?), but something is changing and there are now more occasions where he chooses alcohol over me and I just feel that there is a distance that wasn't there before. I am trying not to take it personally that he is more distant and I try not to worry myself sick over him. I will also try to find an Al-anon meeting.

I know he has to want a change, but is there anything that a loved one has done that helped you? Even if it's just a note or some sign of "I am here"? I know what I need to do for myself and I come first, but if there is anything I can do for him that does not interfere with my well-being, I would really like to know. I know every one is different, but perhaps you'd like to share with me how it was for you and your loved ones.

Thank you for reading this far!

Kimmie

PS: He has been in treatment before, but it was court-ordered and he didn't really think he had a problem at the time. He didn't mind going there and recently, after admitting that he DOES have a problem, I asked him if he could see himself attending sessions and a therapist there again and that I would give him rides. He agreed at the time, but we haven't talked about it for a while and I don't know if I should bring it up.