Archive for the ‘Fun Stuff’ tag
Daydreams of Using…
alright, as you all know, its been a tough week for me. fighting with the boyfriend...problems at work...yadayadayada. well, two days ago my pc crashed. was pretty worried i wouldn't get it working again. but luckily, with a restore cd and fifty bucks to talk to a guy in india for three hours, i'm back online.
rambling aside... i've been thinking a lot about pills lately. i miss the way they made me feel. i miss the energy. i miss feeling like i could accomplish any task under the sun. i miss feeling fulfilled. i even miss the way i would abuse them (crushing them up and snorting them *i know, it was bad*). i miss that rush. i miss walking around work, knowing i had 5 lortab 10mgs stuck in my bra and i could take one whenever my heart desired.
does anyone else ever think about these things? i mean, we all know that our drug/alcohol abuse was a bad thing, but do you ever miss how good it made you feel?
don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i'm doing something wonderful with my life. its just hard not to think about all the times i've used. all the fun stuff i did. sometimes i wonder if i can have a good time without drugs.
rambling aside... i've been thinking a lot about pills lately. i miss the way they made me feel. i miss the energy. i miss feeling like i could accomplish any task under the sun. i miss feeling fulfilled. i even miss the way i would abuse them (crushing them up and snorting them *i know, it was bad*). i miss that rush. i miss walking around work, knowing i had 5 lortab 10mgs stuck in my bra and i could take one whenever my heart desired.
does anyone else ever think about these things? i mean, we all know that our drug/alcohol abuse was a bad thing, but do you ever miss how good it made you feel?
don't get me wrong, i love knowing that i'm doing something wonderful with my life. its just hard not to think about all the times i've used. all the fun stuff i did. sometimes i wonder if i can have a good time without drugs.
Sickness and Health
AH and I had planned to take DS trick-or-treating last night. You know, go out to dinner, watch scary movies, all that fun stuff.
But AH called at 5:30pm to say that he was too sick to go. Horrible abdominal pain, nausea, fever.
Anyway - he's sick as a dog.
Alcohol-induced acute pancreatitis, it turns out. Most likely not life-threatening, but definitely no fun.
I'm having a difficult time being compassionate. I know that he didn't mean to get sick - it wasn't his intention - but it was a direct result of his self-destructive behaviors. I'm vacillating between anger (my son was disappointed that Dad wasn't there for the Halloween fun) and pity (it really does seem painful!). It's also tough, because I end up having to do all of the parenting this weekend, and I have a TON of studying to do.
Urgh.
Part of me wants to rush to his side, rub his back, and bring him his medicine.
The other part of me wants to smother him with a pillow.
But I'm not going to do either of those things. I'm going to eat pizza and watch the football game with my son.
Prayers are appreciated.
Thanks.
-TC
But AH called at 5:30pm to say that he was too sick to go. Horrible abdominal pain, nausea, fever.
Anyway - he's sick as a dog.
Alcohol-induced acute pancreatitis, it turns out. Most likely not life-threatening, but definitely no fun.
I'm having a difficult time being compassionate. I know that he didn't mean to get sick - it wasn't his intention - but it was a direct result of his self-destructive behaviors. I'm vacillating between anger (my son was disappointed that Dad wasn't there for the Halloween fun) and pity (it really does seem painful!). It's also tough, because I end up having to do all of the parenting this weekend, and I have a TON of studying to do.
Urgh.
Part of me wants to rush to his side, rub his back, and bring him his medicine.
The other part of me wants to smother him with a pillow.
But I'm not going to do either of those things. I'm going to eat pizza and watch the football game with my son.
Prayers are appreciated.
Thanks.
-TC
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
Life Changes
Skydiving. It's a passion of mine. When I started medical school, my time for fun stuff became more limited. Being a mom, I spent most of my free time with my son, since there wasn't a whole lot of it. My skydiving friends and I always said, "The sky will always be there." Well, now I have time. I have money. My son's a bit older. The sky IS still there. And I have this bad knee. Skydiving doesn't take that big a toll on the knees, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Some of my girlfriends and I have been making plans for me to hit it hard and join on the Women's World Record 2009.
But there's the knee. My ortho doc doesn't want me to skydive anymore, ever, if he's gonna replace my knee. After a couple months of reflecting on all of this and the relative importance of the things at stake, I'm finally okay with it. I'm at a place where I can appreciate the things I've done in the past, and leave some of them in the past.
I'm getting rid of my skydiving gear. That's a REALLY big deal in my life.
~dig
But there's the knee. My ortho doc doesn't want me to skydive anymore, ever, if he's gonna replace my knee. After a couple months of reflecting on all of this and the relative importance of the things at stake, I'm finally okay with it. I'm at a place where I can appreciate the things I've done in the past, and leave some of them in the past.
I'm getting rid of my skydiving gear. That's a REALLY big deal in my life.
~dig
International Talk Like a Pirate Day
Yes, it's upon us again!!.....i love the Fall...talk like a pirate day, my b-day & halloween!!! :kickbutt
here's a few sites to check out
MSN Namen or MSN Names: Female pirate names (easy name generator....guys can get your name there too)
Pirate Days of The Colony - Pirate Links (lots o'fun stuff)
enjoy & go pillage the coffee maker
ps....so far i'm either "Mad Constance" or "Black Prudentilla Bonney"
i think i'll go w/Mad Constance....
here's a few sites to check out
MSN Namen or MSN Names: Female pirate names (easy name generator....guys can get your name there too)
Pirate Days of The Colony - Pirate Links (lots o'fun stuff)
enjoy & go pillage the coffee maker
ps....so far i'm either "Mad Constance" or "Black Prudentilla Bonney"
i think i'll go w/Mad Constance....
