Archive for the ‘Hospitals’ tag
working the steps
I have begun to re-work the steps as if for the first time. I am gearing myself towards doing a fourth step. I plan to use this thread to post my progress. I just completed my first step on the computer:
My step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
Am I sure I want to stop using?
I am as sure as I can be right now. I want to change enough that I am going through these steps thoroughly again. I am tired of going back to the pain and hell that using ALWAYS brings me to. And I want to continue towards a new life of being more of a giver than a taker.
Do I understand that I have no real control over drugs?
I get this. I get that if I think about using, and then make the decision to use, then I will use and I will use more and more until I am inside of the HELL that I go to and that this could be a further step towards a lower bottom than before. I also know that if I change my thoughts, and ask for help from the universe in any number of ways, that I can do the next right thing.
Do I recognize that in the long run, I didn?t use drugs?they used me?
Yes. When I chose to use, I ended up being outright controlled by the drug. I basically turned into an animal.
Did jails, and institutions take over the management of our lives at different times?
Oh yes. Jail, courts, treatment centers, day hospitals, and the inpatient psyche ward have all had their place in my life over the last 8 years. My life has been centered around these things, sometimes with my addiction running concurrently.
Do I fully accept the fact that my every attempt to stop using or to control my using failed?
Yes I get this. Once I let my thoughts go beyond a point of no return then there was no chance that I could stop myself from taking the rest of the steps towards finally using. And any time that I thought I would use a little and then try to function I either couldn?t show up for my activity or I showed up in a vegetable state, in a paranoid state of fear and pain and guilt.
Do I know that my addiction changed me into someone I didn?t want to be: a dishonest, deceitful, self-willed person at odds with myself and the world?
Oh yes. The more I try I can remember specific lies I made to cover up my using. To cover up why I didn?t answer the phone. Why I didn?t show up for an activity. Why I was late. I remember often rushing an activity to its end so that I could be on my way to start the process of using.
Do I really believe that I have failed as a drug user?
Yes. I like that. I was always a below average drug user. I would pass out after several beers. I would fall asleep when I smoked pot. I was paranoid with hallucinogenics and crack. I was never able to function like it appeared that others could do when they used. I am clearly not an ?A? student as a drinker or drugger.
After one drink or drug I gained the unstoppable desire to use more. This is the compulsion part of my addiction. The raw physical part of it. The animal part of my addiction. The part in which I could not stop and became obsessed with getting and having more.
I also became addicted to the process of getting high itself. Addicted to the addiction. I became obsessed with using all the time, and experienced overpowering desires to use. This is the mental part of my disease.
In the process of my addiction I became more and more self centered. More than the ?normal? state that people face. This self-centered part of me was focused upon and around using. My spirit of light and wonder was almost complete erased. I was mired in the obsession of using, and my next use. This is the spiritual part of my disease: my spiritual bankruptcy.
So for the last 8 years or so I have been involved with my drug of choice in one way or another with little abstinence. It was good ?the first time?. It was a wonderful experience one time. After that things changed more and more towards misery. My life became very messy. I let down my children and wife (ex-wife), friends, and acquaintances at work and elsewhere. I nearly lost my job. I got arrested twice and that could have been a few more times. I stole purses. I stole CD?s. I spent time exchanging my stuff for money at the flea market and pawn shops. I opened bank accounts to get more money and stiffed the banks. I opened more credit card accounts and maxed them out. I drove for miles, over and over again, to get more drugs at all hours of the night. I smashed my cars numerous times, lost telephones, went to work to borrow money, missed work, and was unable to work or do things period. I was in places and times where my life was in danger. There are specific events in which I behaved unforgivably. My life has been completely out of control and very mess at best for the last 5 years. I have squandered my money, cars, time, friendships, and the potential to have been a much better person. I have been a taker.
In my first step I have been powerless after one drink, powerless over my addiction itself, and my life has been a mess.
My step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
Am I sure I want to stop using?
I am as sure as I can be right now. I want to change enough that I am going through these steps thoroughly again. I am tired of going back to the pain and hell that using ALWAYS brings me to. And I want to continue towards a new life of being more of a giver than a taker.
Do I understand that I have no real control over drugs?
I get this. I get that if I think about using, and then make the decision to use, then I will use and I will use more and more until I am inside of the HELL that I go to and that this could be a further step towards a lower bottom than before. I also know that if I change my thoughts, and ask for help from the universe in any number of ways, that I can do the next right thing.
Do I recognize that in the long run, I didn?t use drugs?they used me?
Yes. When I chose to use, I ended up being outright controlled by the drug. I basically turned into an animal.
Did jails, and institutions take over the management of our lives at different times?
Oh yes. Jail, courts, treatment centers, day hospitals, and the inpatient psyche ward have all had their place in my life over the last 8 years. My life has been centered around these things, sometimes with my addiction running concurrently.
Do I fully accept the fact that my every attempt to stop using or to control my using failed?
Yes I get this. Once I let my thoughts go beyond a point of no return then there was no chance that I could stop myself from taking the rest of the steps towards finally using. And any time that I thought I would use a little and then try to function I either couldn?t show up for my activity or I showed up in a vegetable state, in a paranoid state of fear and pain and guilt.
Do I know that my addiction changed me into someone I didn?t want to be: a dishonest, deceitful, self-willed person at odds with myself and the world?
Oh yes. The more I try I can remember specific lies I made to cover up my using. To cover up why I didn?t answer the phone. Why I didn?t show up for an activity. Why I was late. I remember often rushing an activity to its end so that I could be on my way to start the process of using.
Do I really believe that I have failed as a drug user?
Yes. I like that. I was always a below average drug user. I would pass out after several beers. I would fall asleep when I smoked pot. I was paranoid with hallucinogenics and crack. I was never able to function like it appeared that others could do when they used. I am clearly not an ?A? student as a drinker or drugger.
After one drink or drug I gained the unstoppable desire to use more. This is the compulsion part of my addiction. The raw physical part of it. The animal part of my addiction. The part in which I could not stop and became obsessed with getting and having more.
I also became addicted to the process of getting high itself. Addicted to the addiction. I became obsessed with using all the time, and experienced overpowering desires to use. This is the mental part of my disease.
In the process of my addiction I became more and more self centered. More than the ?normal? state that people face. This self-centered part of me was focused upon and around using. My spirit of light and wonder was almost complete erased. I was mired in the obsession of using, and my next use. This is the spiritual part of my disease: my spiritual bankruptcy.
So for the last 8 years or so I have been involved with my drug of choice in one way or another with little abstinence. It was good ?the first time?. It was a wonderful experience one time. After that things changed more and more towards misery. My life became very messy. I let down my children and wife (ex-wife), friends, and acquaintances at work and elsewhere. I nearly lost my job. I got arrested twice and that could have been a few more times. I stole purses. I stole CD?s. I spent time exchanging my stuff for money at the flea market and pawn shops. I opened bank accounts to get more money and stiffed the banks. I opened more credit card accounts and maxed them out. I drove for miles, over and over again, to get more drugs at all hours of the night. I smashed my cars numerous times, lost telephones, went to work to borrow money, missed work, and was unable to work or do things period. I was in places and times where my life was in danger. There are specific events in which I behaved unforgivably. My life has been completely out of control and very mess at best for the last 5 years. I have squandered my money, cars, time, friendships, and the potential to have been a much better person. I have been a taker.
In my first step I have been powerless after one drink, powerless over my addiction itself, and my life has been a mess.
I dont want my son here
I wish my AS never came home - i hate to admit it especially with the holidays but he does nothing but hurt. We've only had a couple of arguments but i feel like i'm walking on eggshells and the arguments are the same ones we have had for a year and a half.
He doesnt feel loved because i'm not all touchy feely with him - i dont have it in me to treat him like that. He as usual says i'm selfish and dont treat him like i love him. He says i work too much and i dont do anything to show i care about my kids. I do work too much but its because i get no child support. I telecommute and can work as much as i need to so i'm pretty much always working just to keep the bills paid. Its all I can do to keep the bills paid, buy the insulin, pay the doctor bills. He cannot see that one of the reasons i have to work so much is because he is an expensive child. When he goes through one of his "episodes" I will miss so much work running back and forth to court, hospitals, whatever that time takes and it takes a while to recoup. Not to mention that it costs a small fortune to feed a 16 yo boy.
I'm just hurt. i'm tired of being expected to sit around and never tell him how i feel. i'm a mom so i'm not allowed to make him feel bad by saying that he has hurt me. My life was so peaceful when it was just my daughter and me. It was wonderful and I was really starting to be happy for the first time in a long long time. Now its gone because he's here and when he's here the whole world has to focus on him and if you dont - you better watch out because he's going to punish you. I'm realizing that he just sucks the joy out of my life.
He doesnt feel loved because i'm not all touchy feely with him - i dont have it in me to treat him like that. He as usual says i'm selfish and dont treat him like i love him. He says i work too much and i dont do anything to show i care about my kids. I do work too much but its because i get no child support. I telecommute and can work as much as i need to so i'm pretty much always working just to keep the bills paid. Its all I can do to keep the bills paid, buy the insulin, pay the doctor bills. He cannot see that one of the reasons i have to work so much is because he is an expensive child. When he goes through one of his "episodes" I will miss so much work running back and forth to court, hospitals, whatever that time takes and it takes a while to recoup. Not to mention that it costs a small fortune to feed a 16 yo boy.
I'm just hurt. i'm tired of being expected to sit around and never tell him how i feel. i'm a mom so i'm not allowed to make him feel bad by saying that he has hurt me. My life was so peaceful when it was just my daughter and me. It was wonderful and I was really starting to be happy for the first time in a long long time. Now its gone because he's here and when he's here the whole world has to focus on him and if you dont - you better watch out because he's going to punish you. I'm realizing that he just sucks the joy out of my life.
Alive
I am so lucky to be alive.
First time I used I was nine years old, sniffing glue. By the time I was 13 I was smoking hash and using Amphetamnies on a daily basis. At sixteen years old I was gone, I was using opiates and anything I laid my hands on. I died many times and came to in Hospitals between the ages of 16 and 25, spent 4 years in prison, was commited a few times and still carried on using. I stopped in 76, I was 25 years old and stayed drug free for 20 years and then relasped using Alcohol, and did it all again for another 11 years!
Today I am free from all of that and I live my life as best I can on a daily basis. I have many trials and tribulations but they are nothing compared to the hell I lived in for so long.
Thank you all for being here. Stay safe over this holiday period.
I love you and so does your Higher Power.
Kevin
First time I used I was nine years old, sniffing glue. By the time I was 13 I was smoking hash and using Amphetamnies on a daily basis. At sixteen years old I was gone, I was using opiates and anything I laid my hands on. I died many times and came to in Hospitals between the ages of 16 and 25, spent 4 years in prison, was commited a few times and still carried on using. I stopped in 76, I was 25 years old and stayed drug free for 20 years and then relasped using Alcohol, and did it all again for another 11 years!
Today I am free from all of that and I live my life as best I can on a daily basis. I have many trials and tribulations but they are nothing compared to the hell I lived in for so long.
Thank you all for being here. Stay safe over this holiday period.
I love you and so does your Higher Power.
Kevin
My network is relapsing
Hi Family,
My network of women is relapsing like crazy this week. My first temp. sponsor relapsed with 5 years clean...yikes...and so many other women in my home group went back out this same weekend. One lady had over 15 years clean! Is it the holidays? This is my first recovery Christmas, so I don't know if people generally relapse more at this time of year or not, but it sure sucks.
One lady in my area died of OD this week,
One went to jail after a non-fatal OD where the police came (she had drugs on her still)
And I just got a call that one of my closest friends in my home group is now is critical care at the hospital for alcohol abuse again(she has a severe medical condition that is aggravated by drinking).
So there we have it covered in my area:
Hospitals, institutions and death.
I'm praying that we all remember, including me, that having to pick up a new white chip is the least of what can happen if we use. The ones who got a chance to pick up a chip this time all told me that it didn't get any better out there, so if anyone is wondering, they did the research for you, and it still sucks, so you don't need to try it.
Let's all have a merry clean Christmas, so that we can enjoy a happy new year. I don't want to lose anyone out of my SR homegroup!
Love and prayers from
KJ:candle6D:
My network of women is relapsing like crazy this week. My first temp. sponsor relapsed with 5 years clean...yikes...and so many other women in my home group went back out this same weekend. One lady had over 15 years clean! Is it the holidays? This is my first recovery Christmas, so I don't know if people generally relapse more at this time of year or not, but it sure sucks.
One lady in my area died of OD this week,
One went to jail after a non-fatal OD where the police came (she had drugs on her still)
And I just got a call that one of my closest friends in my home group is now is critical care at the hospital for alcohol abuse again(she has a severe medical condition that is aggravated by drinking).
So there we have it covered in my area:
Hospitals, institutions and death.
I'm praying that we all remember, including me, that having to pick up a new white chip is the least of what can happen if we use. The ones who got a chance to pick up a chip this time all told me that it didn't get any better out there, so if anyone is wondering, they did the research for you, and it still sucks, so you don't need to try it.
Let's all have a merry clean Christmas, so that we can enjoy a happy new year. I don't want to lose anyone out of my SR homegroup!
Love and prayers from
KJ:candle6D:
What is a Big Book Thumper (to you?)
I just had an a-ha moment reading one of Rufus Posts' concerning "Big Book Thumpers"
So the title stands, "What is a Big Book Thumper to you?"
I realized that BB Thumpers in my opinion all fail to read the same few sections of the Book.
Love and Tolerance of others is our code.
God has peopled this world with physicians and practioners of various kinds who give of themselves freely etc and that their services are often indispensable to helping the newcomer and following his case afterwards
We realize we know but a little, what we have found is an answer that works for us
sometimes not always they say I have to have "their" concept of God, although the book clearly states I get to choose my own concept of a power greater then myself.
Quite often these are folks that fail to have a successful relationship but have no problem "arbiting" the sex lives of others.
Quite a few also point back to "The Golden Age" of AA which frankly never existed, there were addicts, fornication, arguments, 13 stepping, etc from the very beginning, "Hospitals and Institutions" which is older then everything except "General Service" was founded with a fist fight in the parking lot of San Quintin
They miss where Bill wrote "AA must always be all inclusive, never exclusive" You are a member if You say you are, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
This, I'm sure by no means covers everything for me, but for example Steve, Taz, and Rufus constantly refer to the Book, I don't think of them as "thumpers" so that made me question what a thumper is to me and the answer was illuminating.
"me" or "you" are acceptable answers, but what is a BB thumper to you? Is it a good thing? is it bad?
I mean this thread to be helpful to both myself and others, lets keep it clean, I, by no means mean for this thread to be controversial I just had an a-ha moment reading Rufus regarding my perception.
So the title stands, "What is a Big Book Thumper to you?"
I realized that BB Thumpers in my opinion all fail to read the same few sections of the Book.
Love and Tolerance of others is our code.
God has peopled this world with physicians and practioners of various kinds who give of themselves freely etc and that their services are often indispensable to helping the newcomer and following his case afterwards
We realize we know but a little, what we have found is an answer that works for us
sometimes not always they say I have to have "their" concept of God, although the book clearly states I get to choose my own concept of a power greater then myself.
Quite often these are folks that fail to have a successful relationship but have no problem "arbiting" the sex lives of others.
Quite a few also point back to "The Golden Age" of AA which frankly never existed, there were addicts, fornication, arguments, 13 stepping, etc from the very beginning, "Hospitals and Institutions" which is older then everything except "General Service" was founded with a fist fight in the parking lot of San Quintin
They miss where Bill wrote "AA must always be all inclusive, never exclusive" You are a member if You say you are, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
This, I'm sure by no means covers everything for me, but for example Steve, Taz, and Rufus constantly refer to the Book, I don't think of them as "thumpers" so that made me question what a thumper is to me and the answer was illuminating.
"me" or "you" are acceptable answers, but what is a BB thumper to you? Is it a good thing? is it bad?
I mean this thread to be helpful to both myself and others, lets keep it clean, I, by no means mean for this thread to be controversial I just had an a-ha moment reading Rufus regarding my perception.
Hello To All
I put this thread in the new to recovery (alcoholic forum, Think I made a mistake)
As an Admin for a pc help site I know how frustrating it can be at times!
Here is the story thus far.
Where to start? I have been helping others on pc forums for years, so you would think I would feel at ease doing this!
My name is Brandon and about 5 years ago I had a kidney stone. The doctors gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Well I took the 2 I was supposed to and got real out of it and forgot I took 2 and took 2 more. All of a sudden I was struck with sooo much energy I cleaned the house (wife was happy) and stayed up for a whole day. This is where my addiction started.
About 3 years ago my doc would no longer prescribe me the pills so I started hospital jumping (I think that is what you call it) and I got pretty good at it.(stuck pins in my fingers to fake blood in my urine which show's a kidney stone etc.)
Now 4 years later I just moved to Indiana and have visited 4 hospitals about 4 or 5 times each. I am addicted to the energy they give me. I really dont get "high" off of them but get tons of energy. After reading a little bit it seems I dont take as many as one can. I usually take 4 or 5 7.5's a day. 3 at once and another 2 later in the day.
I find coming off of them though feels the same as others have expressed. Feels like getting hit by a truck, no energy depressed and agitated. My wife is getting fed up with it (as she should) I wish I knew what to do. My pride gets in the way of going to rehab, I also suffer from Panic Disorder and take 2 Mg's of Klonopin a day for almost 10 years. (have not abused those) and the Vicodin took care of the panic attacks as well. Have been off of them for 2 days now and just feel like crud. Have exhausted hospitals (which is good) just afraid I will start going to different dentists now and telling them my tooth hurts. I told my wife to hide the keys so I wont, but I have to go to work. She says I get really angry when she wont give me the keys (as she knows what I am up to).
Sorry for the long post but it feels good to tell someone (even if it is online) this story as I have not told anyone ever before (except the wife) I know it is not good for my kids to see me lying around when I come off the pills.
SO my question is what can or should I do?
As an Admin for a pc help site I know how frustrating it can be at times!
Here is the story thus far.
Where to start? I have been helping others on pc forums for years, so you would think I would feel at ease doing this!
My name is Brandon and about 5 years ago I had a kidney stone. The doctors gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Well I took the 2 I was supposed to and got real out of it and forgot I took 2 and took 2 more. All of a sudden I was struck with sooo much energy I cleaned the house (wife was happy) and stayed up for a whole day. This is where my addiction started.
About 3 years ago my doc would no longer prescribe me the pills so I started hospital jumping (I think that is what you call it) and I got pretty good at it.(stuck pins in my fingers to fake blood in my urine which show's a kidney stone etc.)
Now 4 years later I just moved to Indiana and have visited 4 hospitals about 4 or 5 times each. I am addicted to the energy they give me. I really dont get "high" off of them but get tons of energy. After reading a little bit it seems I dont take as many as one can. I usually take 4 or 5 7.5's a day. 3 at once and another 2 later in the day.
I find coming off of them though feels the same as others have expressed. Feels like getting hit by a truck, no energy depressed and agitated. My wife is getting fed up with it (as she should) I wish I knew what to do. My pride gets in the way of going to rehab, I also suffer from Panic Disorder and take 2 Mg's of Klonopin a day for almost 10 years. (have not abused those) and the Vicodin took care of the panic attacks as well. Have been off of them for 2 days now and just feel like crud. Have exhausted hospitals (which is good) just afraid I will start going to different dentists now and telling them my tooth hurts. I told my wife to hide the keys so I wont, but I have to go to work. She says I get really angry when she wont give me the keys (as she knows what I am up to).
Sorry for the long post but it feels good to tell someone (even if it is online) this story as I have not told anyone ever before (except the wife) I know it is not good for my kids to see me lying around when I come off the pills.
SO my question is what can or should I do?
Hello To All
Where to start? I have been helping others on pc forums for years, so you would think I would feel at ease doing this!
My name is Brandon and about 5 years ago I had a kidney stone. The doctors gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Well I took the 2 I was supposed to and got real out of it and forgot I took 2 and took 2 more. All of a sudden I was struck with sooo much energy I cleaned the house (wife was happy) and stayed up for a whole day. This is where my addiction started.
About 3 years ago my doc would no longer prescribe me the pills so I started hospital jumping (I think that is what you call it) and I got pretty good at it.(stuck pins in my fingers to fake blood in my urine which show's a kidney stone etc.)
Now 4 years later I just moved to Indiana and have visited 4 hospitals about 4 or 5 times each. I am addicted to the energy they give me. I really dont get "high" off of them but get tons of energy. After reading a little bit it seems I dont take as many as one can. I usually take 4 or 5 7.5's a day. 3 at once and another 2 later in the day.
I find coming off of them though feels the same as others have expressed. Feels like getting hit by a truck, no energy depressed and agitated. My wife is getting fed up with it (as she should) I wish I knew what to do. My pride gets in the way of going to rehab, I also suffer from Panic Disorder and take 2 Mg's of Klonopin a day for almost 10 years. (have not abused those) and the Vicodin took care of the panic attacks as well. Have been off of them for 2 days now and just feel like crud. Have exhausted hospitals (which is good) just afraid I will start going to different dentists now and telling them my tooth hurts. I told my wife to hide the keys so I wont, but I have to go to work. She says I get really angry when she wont give me the keys (as she knows what I am up to).
Sorry for the long post but it feels good to tell someone (even if it is online) this story as I have not told anyone ever before (except the wife) I know it is not good for my kids to see me lying around when I come off the pills.
SO my question is what can or should I do?
Edit: I hope this in the right forum.. As I now see the NA forum =(
My name is Brandon and about 5 years ago I had a kidney stone. The doctors gave me a prescription for Vicodin. Well I took the 2 I was supposed to and got real out of it and forgot I took 2 and took 2 more. All of a sudden I was struck with sooo much energy I cleaned the house (wife was happy) and stayed up for a whole day. This is where my addiction started.
About 3 years ago my doc would no longer prescribe me the pills so I started hospital jumping (I think that is what you call it) and I got pretty good at it.(stuck pins in my fingers to fake blood in my urine which show's a kidney stone etc.)
Now 4 years later I just moved to Indiana and have visited 4 hospitals about 4 or 5 times each. I am addicted to the energy they give me. I really dont get "high" off of them but get tons of energy. After reading a little bit it seems I dont take as many as one can. I usually take 4 or 5 7.5's a day. 3 at once and another 2 later in the day.
I find coming off of them though feels the same as others have expressed. Feels like getting hit by a truck, no energy depressed and agitated. My wife is getting fed up with it (as she should) I wish I knew what to do. My pride gets in the way of going to rehab, I also suffer from Panic Disorder and take 2 Mg's of Klonopin a day for almost 10 years. (have not abused those) and the Vicodin took care of the panic attacks as well. Have been off of them for 2 days now and just feel like crud. Have exhausted hospitals (which is good) just afraid I will start going to different dentists now and telling them my tooth hurts. I told my wife to hide the keys so I wont, but I have to go to work. She says I get really angry when she wont give me the keys (as she knows what I am up to).
Sorry for the long post but it feels good to tell someone (even if it is online) this story as I have not told anyone ever before (except the wife) I know it is not good for my kids to see me lying around when I come off the pills.
SO my question is what can or should I do?
Edit: I hope this in the right forum.. As I now see the NA forum =(
??????????????
Sometimes, I don't know were I stand! I'v been on and of drugs for yrs around the rooms 5 times. In and out of hospitals rehabs etc... Yah I can stay clean if I want too!! Or it seems that way!!
I struggle with even believing that im addicted. Because its so easy for me to get clean if i want too. The issue is staying clean. You see Ive had allot of stuff going on lately and you would think i would have picked up but actually i stopped using!!! honestly I feel comfortable with it.
I don't go to meetings They make me paranoid!!!!???? I know I have allot of character defects. I really don't think I can say that i'm powerless though because i'm choosing not to use and that's that, so how can i be powerless? I'm not using, not going to meetings, have no friends that use anymore and no money to even get any thing with. SO, I ask myself am I an addict, alcoholic and any other itc. you could add to the end of a word? So, back to my question what makes me powerless?
In the past i have gotten a few sponsors over the yrs yet never even came close to completing the first step with anything close to a dignified way!
I struggle with even believing that im addicted. Because its so easy for me to get clean if i want too. The issue is staying clean. You see Ive had allot of stuff going on lately and you would think i would have picked up but actually i stopped using!!! honestly I feel comfortable with it.
I don't go to meetings They make me paranoid!!!!???? I know I have allot of character defects. I really don't think I can say that i'm powerless though because i'm choosing not to use and that's that, so how can i be powerless? I'm not using, not going to meetings, have no friends that use anymore and no money to even get any thing with. SO, I ask myself am I an addict, alcoholic and any other itc. you could add to the end of a word? So, back to my question what makes me powerless?
In the past i have gotten a few sponsors over the yrs yet never even came close to completing the first step with anything close to a dignified way!
For anyone who will listen….
My exabf used to be my best friend. Maybe this is for me more then anything. Sometimes thoughts come to our minds and its better on paper then running around in our heads.
When our daughter was born she came VERY early. I went to a drs appt and had a stress test done. No big deal no need for him to take time off of work for a routine test so I went by myself told him I would call when I was done. He went to work. I went to dr had test and they sent me straight to the hospital. I called my ex frantic that something was wrong with the baby.
He met me at the hospital. Scared and very concerned for our baby we sat in that hospital for a week before the drs decided delivery was necessary for survival. That man stayed by my side until I was dishcharged.
We visited our baby everyday and night crying while holding her. Praying for her to get better and come home. When she did come home we were so scared to take care of her. Often spending nights awake because we were afraid to sleep.
Had many sleepless nights in hospitals because her health continued to be problematic. Slept in chairs and ate vending machine foods. But we did it together. At one point he was our rock. We knew the bond we shared was strong and sometimes that was all that we could do to keep from going crazy from wanting to help our baby.
This man loved my older children as he loved our baby. Taking the time to bond with them in different ways. Taking my 6 year old to the fire station so she could meet heros. Sitting on her bed at night telling her that he would always be there to protect us. Drawing pictures with her and hanging them on her wall. Taking my 13 year old on long walks just to talk. Letting a bunch of 13 year old girls paint his nails at her slumber party. Reading to the kids at night with funny voices. Getting dirty in the sand box. Making them a priority in life. Wanting to be an example for them.
One night at a family party he got drunk and my 13 year old saw him acting stupid. She confronted him the next day and told him how disgusted she was with his behavior. He NEVER DRANK AFTER THAT. He told me how ashamed he was of himself. He said he never wanted to see that disappointment in her eyes again.
One day when my 13 year old and him came back from a walk he was crying. I asked what is going on he said that she had told him that she loved him for the first time. I was in awe of him.
The days have passed when all we had to do was exchange a look that conveyed how much we loved each other. The days have passed when his ACTIONS proved he loved us and was here for the long haul.
Now his actions are only proving that his drugs mean more to him then what we had as a FAMILY. It wasnt just a relationship, or just a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, or a toxic relationship, or got to the point where we just couldnt get along. WE WERE A FAMILY. Committed to that family. And now its gone.
That is what I mourn for today. Days were we did matter to him. Times we knew that we were happy. Times where I looked at him and thanked GOD for him in our lives. Times where he would cry when the kids gave him a simple fathers day card. Times where he knew that he drug abuse was hurting me and the kids and he promised he would get help. I mourn for that man to come back. I mourn so deeply right now.
I am sorry this is so long but I just wanted to be able to read these words and know that is was real. I pray that GOD will keep him. I am letting go and letting HIM decide the outcome.
Thanks for reading.
When our daughter was born she came VERY early. I went to a drs appt and had a stress test done. No big deal no need for him to take time off of work for a routine test so I went by myself told him I would call when I was done. He went to work. I went to dr had test and they sent me straight to the hospital. I called my ex frantic that something was wrong with the baby.
He met me at the hospital. Scared and very concerned for our baby we sat in that hospital for a week before the drs decided delivery was necessary for survival. That man stayed by my side until I was dishcharged.
We visited our baby everyday and night crying while holding her. Praying for her to get better and come home. When she did come home we were so scared to take care of her. Often spending nights awake because we were afraid to sleep.
Had many sleepless nights in hospitals because her health continued to be problematic. Slept in chairs and ate vending machine foods. But we did it together. At one point he was our rock. We knew the bond we shared was strong and sometimes that was all that we could do to keep from going crazy from wanting to help our baby.
This man loved my older children as he loved our baby. Taking the time to bond with them in different ways. Taking my 6 year old to the fire station so she could meet heros. Sitting on her bed at night telling her that he would always be there to protect us. Drawing pictures with her and hanging them on her wall. Taking my 13 year old on long walks just to talk. Letting a bunch of 13 year old girls paint his nails at her slumber party. Reading to the kids at night with funny voices. Getting dirty in the sand box. Making them a priority in life. Wanting to be an example for them.
One night at a family party he got drunk and my 13 year old saw him acting stupid. She confronted him the next day and told him how disgusted she was with his behavior. He NEVER DRANK AFTER THAT. He told me how ashamed he was of himself. He said he never wanted to see that disappointment in her eyes again.
One day when my 13 year old and him came back from a walk he was crying. I asked what is going on he said that she had told him that she loved him for the first time. I was in awe of him.
The days have passed when all we had to do was exchange a look that conveyed how much we loved each other. The days have passed when his ACTIONS proved he loved us and was here for the long haul.
Now his actions are only proving that his drugs mean more to him then what we had as a FAMILY. It wasnt just a relationship, or just a boyfriend/girlfriend thing, or a toxic relationship, or got to the point where we just couldnt get along. WE WERE A FAMILY. Committed to that family. And now its gone.
That is what I mourn for today. Days were we did matter to him. Times we knew that we were happy. Times where I looked at him and thanked GOD for him in our lives. Times where he would cry when the kids gave him a simple fathers day card. Times where he knew that he drug abuse was hurting me and the kids and he promised he would get help. I mourn for that man to come back. I mourn so deeply right now.
I am sorry this is so long but I just wanted to be able to read these words and know that is was real. I pray that GOD will keep him. I am letting go and letting HIM decide the outcome.
Thanks for reading.
FINALLY….waking up and realizing….
Finally waking up and realizing that my AXSO does not want to stop drinking. I've posted before so some may remember my story.. He was sober for 17 years and then picked up 3 years ago. Has been in and out of rehabs, detoxes, sober houses, therapeutic communities, hospitals for the last 2 years. I thought he hit rock bottom many times....was in a coma for over a week, was cut off by his family and friends, etc. Friends and family have supported him, encouraged him and even made phone calls to find him places to get help. Obviously, SO was just going through the motions to make everyone else happy. He had been in a therapeutic community treatment center for the last 7 weeks. He was supposed to be there for at least 6 months but he leaves a message on my machine the other day that he completed his treatment and is at his mother's house. What he left out is that he was asked to leave the center because of a situation and they completed him just to cover their ass. His brother told me he had to go to his mom's house at 1am to pick him up and take him to the hospital because he was DRINKING. I have not had any contact with XSO for over 2 months. So the bottom line is that he obviously does not want to stop drinking. He has been given every opportunity for every treatment and he has messed up every time deliberately. It's very sad but I will move on with my life and he can live his life with his bottle of vodka.
Doreen
Doreen
