Drug Rehab Options Blog

You know I have a very unique situation which I have no idea what to do about. My AW has destroyed our life with alcohol for the last three years. So many gritty, gory stores I couldn't even count them up over this time. I could write a book. Seriously. A year ago my job was transferred to another state. I told my wife in order to come be with me she would need to go to rehab and maintain her sobriety with meetings, etc. and so on. She went to rehab and came to live me after. Over the next year she drank probably on 30 different occassions and became her old self. Finally I told her she needed to leave. She broke the terms of the deal many times and its just not healthy for me to have her live with me any more. I'm falling apart, she's not dedicated to her sobriety and/or our life together. Now she states she won't leave no matter what I do. I rent our home and pay the bills each month. I found this place on my own before I ever allowed her to come here. Now she tells me I'll have to move out if I want to seperate. Now she gets drunk every night to spite me and puts me through hell on a regular basis. So when I come home every night I sit in anxiety wondering what is going to happen and what I should do. Life is not good. Does anyone have any idea what I might try? I love my wife more than anything but she is tearing me apart and I can not change her or do her recovery for her. She has to do that and right now she obviously doesn't want to. All I can do is take care of myself and I need her to go. I don't think it right that I have to move out of the place that I provided for myself and allowed her to come to on condition she stay sober. Any thoughts are welcome. This sucks.

I dont know what it is. But I have been struggling in my head again.
I have been having using dreams every night for the past 2 weeks. They didnt bother me until last night.
Today ..I am sitting here at 4am literaly keeping myself hostage.
I started having urges at work earlier. Shaking. Shortness of breath. Racing heart. Feeling sick. I havent felt like this since last time I was out there.

I am obsessing and it is driiving me crazy.

I almost said F it a couple times but caught myself.

I cant go back again. If I go back out there. I wont come back. I am done with this shyt.

I am hanging on so tight right now it isnt even funny.
I have the want creepin in and thats not good at all.
I caught myself thinking I want to throw a huge 20 on a pipe and take it to the head. For no reason.

I keep staring at the phone..pacing around..cant get comfortable.

Lord please let me make it through the rest of this night.

No offense..But please dont tell me to get to a meeting. Not going to happen.

I just needed to get it out. I havent struggled at all this round of recovery.
I knew it was too good to be true. But I cant give in. I wont give in.
I wish this shyt would stop.

Toxic Love
by Robert Burney M. A.

"As long as we believe that someone else has the power to make us happy then we are setting ourselves up to be victims"
Codependence: The Dance of Wounded Souls


One of the biggest problems with relationships in this society is that the context we approach them from is too small. We were taught that getting the relationship is the goal.

It starts in early childhood with Fairy Tales where the Prince and the Princess live happily-ever-after. It continues in movies and books where "boy meets girl" "boy loses girl" "boy gets girl back" - the music swells and the happy couple ride off into the sunset. The songs that say "I can't smile without you" "I can't live without you" "You are my everything" describe the type of love we learned about growing up - toxic love - an addiction with the other person as our drug of choice, as our Higher Power.

Any time we set another human being up to be our Higher Power we are going to experience failure in whatever we are trying to accomplish. We will end up feeling victimized by the other person or by our self - and even when we feel victimized by the other person we blame our self for the choices we made. We are set up to fail to get our needs met in Romantic Relationships because of the belief system we were taught in childhood and the messages we got from our society growing up.

There is no goal to reach that will bring us to happily-ever after. We are not incomplete until we find our soul mate. We are not halves that cannot be whole without a relationship.

True Love is not a painful obsession.
It is not taking a hostage or being a hostage.
It is not all-consuming, isolating, or constricting. Believing we can't be whole or happy without a relationship is unhealthy and leads us to accept deprivation and abuse, and to engage in manipulation, dishonesty, and power struggles.
The type of love we learned about growing up is an addiction, a form of toxic love.

Here is a short list of the characteristics of Love vs. toxic love (compiled with the help of the work of Melody Beattie & Terence Gorski.)

1. Love - Development of self first priority.
[color="Red"]Toxic love - Obsession with relatio[/COLOR]nship.

2. Love - Room to grow, expand; desire for other to grow.
Toxic love - Security, comfort in sameness; intensity of need seen as proof of love (may really be fear, insecurity, loneliness)

3. Love - Separate interests; other friends; maintain other meaningful relationships.
Toxic love - Total involvement; limited social life; neglect old friends, interests.

4. Love - Encouragement of each other's expanding; secure in own worth.
Toxic love - Preoccupation with other's behavior; fear of other changing.

5. Love - Appropriate Trust (i.e. trusting partner to behave according to fundamental nature.)
Toxic love - Jealousy; possessiveness; fear of competition; protects "supply."

6. Love - Compromise, negotiation or taking turns at leading. Problem solving together.
Toxic love - Power plays for control; blaming; passive or aggressive manipulation.

7. Love - Embracing of each other's individuality.
Toxic love - Trying to change other to own image.

8. Love - Relationship deals with all aspects of reality.
Toxic love - Relationship is based on delusion and avoidance of the unpleasant.

9. Love - Self-care by both partners; emotional state not dependent on other's mood.
Toxic love - Expectation that one partner will fix and rescue the other.

10. Love - Loving detachment (healthy concern about partner, while letting go.)
Toxic love - Fusion (being obsessed with each other's problems and feelings.)

11. Love - Sex is free choice growing out of caring & friendship.
Toxic love - Pressure around sex due to insecurity, fear & need for immediate gratification.

12. Love - Ability to enjoy being alone.
Toxic love - Unable to endure separation; clinging.

13. Love - Cycle of comfort and contentment.
Toxic love - Cycle of pain and despair.

Love is not supposed to be painful. There is pain involved in any relationship but if it is painful most of the time then something is not working.

There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship - it is natural and healthy.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a relationship that will last forever - expecting it to last forever is what is dysfunctional. Expectations set us up to be a victim - and cause to abandon ourselves in search of our goal.

If we can start seeing relationships not as the goal but as opportunities for growth then we can start having more functional relationships. A relationship that ends is not a failure or a punishment - it is a lesson.

As long as our definition of a successful relationship is one that lasts forever - we are set up to fail.
As long as we believe that we have to have the other in our life to be happy, we are really just an addict trying to protect our supply - using another person as our drug of choice.

That is not True Love - nor is it Loving.

Now that my younger brother has reported to jail my other brother is free to harass my mom.

I have listened to her cry so many times about his violence and his piggishness. I have suggested that she call the cops and she says she is afraid because of when they raided her house a few months back and handcuffed her and my sister as my sister's autistic child was getting off the school bus. This incident has really upset my mom. They took all her spices, powders, sugars and flours that she used for cooking all her medicinal herbs and other remedies. She is really upset about what went on because of my brother who is not in jail was doing stuff out of her house.

My brother is literally holding her hostage. I don't know what to do. It really gets on my last nerve. I have called the cops several times on him for this they always let him go. This is just absurd. I really can't stand it.

I've just returned from a very brief visit with AH today. He is living at the homeless shelter, to refresh everyone's memory. I needed to bring him his meds, some soap, and his new insurance card. I also brought his dog (probably the true love of his life). He put everything in his suitcase and said, "Okay then. Bye." I said, "Have you thought about what you're going to do? Do you have a plan?" He said, "I'm not thinking. I'm just letting life happen." I said okay, he got out of the car, and he said goodbye again. I said, "I do love you, you know." He leaned in the window, thought for a few seconds, then said, "I think if you loved me, I wouldn't be here." I said, "If you loved me, you would want me to be safe." He became defensive and said, "I've never hurt you, I hit the door!" (while he's never actually punched me, he has held me hostage, and left me bruised and battered from pushing, picking me up, and throwing me around. Apparently that escapes him.) I replied, "Okay, so I'm supposed to let you put holes in all the walls and doors of our house and stupidly think you're never going to hurt me??" He just looked at me. I said, "You picked up a bottle....AGAIN....and got violent....AGAIN." He said, "Goodbye." And so I left.

It is sad to see someone you love stuck in such a sick, unhealthy, going nowhere stage. He totally doesn't get it. He has no acknowledgment whatsoever that his choices/actions got him where he is, and that only his choices/actions can get him out. He is totally just waiting for someone to come along and change his circumstance for him. I can tell you that if I found myself living at the homeless shelter, even if I hated my spouse for putting me there and didn't want to go back to my spouse, I would be churning those gears in my head big time to line up something else for myself.

It is just sad. Sad, sad, sad to see the person you wanted to spend your life with in this state. I'm sure it is even more excruciating for parents to watch their children go through this. I have much respect for all of you out there who have suffered through this experience. And for those of you out there who have made it through the dark tunnel to the sunshine of sobriety on the other side - either for yourselves or for your loved ones - you inspire me to hope, pray, to stand firm in love, and to keep taking care of myself.

Hello all,
I had a dream the other night I saw myself all tied up with tape on my mouth. Like I was a hostage.

This dream has really bothered me, but in real life I have been isolated, isolation forced by my AH. No car. I can't go to some meetings that I loved because he is there, churches, because he is there. AH and cheater, and AS have tried to shut my mouth, not to reveal what they have done, I have spoken up that is why they are gone. AH has been gone 1 1/2 yrs, many court appearances, but he is still very sneaky, dirty etc.. I just got an order of protection on my older son. I couldn't take another day. I just feel so alone sometimes. They are both gone now, and I am greiving the loss.

Court is on Sept 26 concerning visits of my little son w/ my AH (now ordered supervised visits), and AH is trying to get joint custody, and unsupervised visits even though he hasn't remained sober.

Please pray concerning all of this
Thankyou, NH7

Came home from work tonight and told me that she saw the ex-abf and that she is going to continue seeing him. She knows how much we put into her the last three months-both emotionally and financially. She thinks that she will continue living here, working, going to meetings and we will continue to pay for her meds, etc. because we love her so much and want her to be clean. This will not work even if she does stay clean. She tells me that she wants to die, has never been happy, basically the same **** we have been hearing forever. So I need to have a plan because I know that I don't want to be sitting here being told what to do by my daughter. And I know I can't accept her seeing the man that supplied her drugs and abused her for the last 2 and 1/2 years. Plus she has the I don't give a **** attitude that is so different from the one filled with gratitude for all that we have done for her that she was expressing just yesterday. Pray for me to be strong enough to do what my heart is telling me not to. Thanks, Marle