Drug Rehab Options Blog

I just got off the phone with AH.

There's been a change of plans.

I will be attending my best friend's New Year's Eve party tomorrow night in Dallas, alone. AH was supposed to come with me - we'd reserved a hotel room and arranged to see some other friends while we're visiting.
On the phone AH casually mentioned to me that he would be having a "few beers" at the party. I am not comfortable being around him when he is drinking. At all. I thought that he knew this. I do not want him to come with me if he is going to drink.

I told him this.
He decided that he did not want to come to the party if he cannot drink.
He said it sounded too depressing.

I think staying home from a fun party thrown by people that you love in an exciting city because you can't stand to go one night without a drink is depressing.

I'm a little sad.
But I'll have a great time without him (and I won't have any reason to worry about how he's feeling, if he's having a good time, if he's uncomfortable around all the alcohol).

I'm going to go by myself. I'll wear my new outfit, dance, meet some new people, have a glass of champagne at midnight, and have a comfy hotel bed all to myself!

No use fighting. Better to accept.

Happy New Year's, everyone!:nyx
-TC

hey guys,
im here alone in my hotel room and tonight is tough. although my wife has said she would go to therapy with me being away makes her think of how i used to be when i went away. i used to call her drunk and she knew it and i tried to hide it. so tonight when i got back to my room i called her and of course shethat just rehashes the past and doesnt move forward. i know it takes time and its only 23 months buy why wont she cut me some slack.im doing the right thing now and i know rome wasnt built in one day but it just hurts.i guess i cant believe that this is what our marrage has become.why did we drink why did we feel the need for that shot of scotch? how did i let it go this far and not see the destruction i was causing. i took something so good and destroyed it. i just feel bad tonight. im happy that im sober its just hard going through this sober.the pain is so real.anyhow thanks for letting me ramble i do feel great that i have people here that understand.:sorry

Hello All,

I posted this in Mental Health as well. In this forum I added lines in Italic.


I don't know where to start really. I felt the need to vent some frustration. I haven't slept well in two months and have lost about 15 lbs because of worry and anxiety.


I've never known how to live this life I have been given. I felt "apart from" all my life. As a male, it is tough to be shy in American society where assertiveness and aggressiveness is rewarded. I've tried to overcome my shyness and have made some progress but still feel self-conscience and anxiety around people.

I have a touch of OCD. I remember washing my hands up to my elbows in first grade because of the "germs" marching up my arms. The sink was outside the bathroom in the classroom. Another kid noticed me doing that and teased me about it. I stopped doing it.

My mother was a Catholic and we went to church when I was really young. My father didn't attend. I had the thought that I had sinned enough to go to hell by the time I was ten so I stopped going. It was difficult to listen about love and forgiveness when things at home were so volatile.

We moved around a lot. I was always the new kid which made it even more difficult socially. At 16 I put a gun in my mouth but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I couldn't slit my wrists years later when I checked into a hotel room to end it all after getting a DUI. I know that suicide isn't the answer and seriously doubt that I could ever go through with it but I am tired of living a life that I don't know how to live.

I got married young which was a huge mistake. Sick people attract sick people. After divorcing 6 years later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia which explained a lot of things related to her behavior.

I've struggled with alcohol abuse but it has been 14 years since my last drink. I went to AA in 1989 and managed to get a little time but didn't get a sponsor, didn't work the steps and when I quit going to meetings, started to drink again. I came back into the rooms in 1994. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and life got better.

I had started dating a woman when I was drinking. We rented a house together with her 2 year old (at the time) son. I got busted for a DUI and we moved into an apartment. Somehow (gift from God) I managed not to lose my job. After going to AA I got an even better job and bought a house in '96.

I ended up living next to the neighbors from hell. They played loud music at all hours and had 3 dogs that would rush the fence every time I went outside. I tried to look at my part of the problem and tried to find a resolution. The situation got so bad we ended up in court. I knew I had to move, whether it was to a prison cell for taking matters into my own hand or to another house.

I was able to sell the house in 2004 but by then I had slowly and without being aware of it, drifted away from working a solid program of recovery.
I bought another house without really thinking it over because "they only appreciate in value". Yeah, right. Instead of banking the money and scaling down to being a renter I moved into a newer house. My gf and I broke up. Another dysfunctional relationship. I let her son live with me because at the time I thought I was more stable than she was. I live in a better neighborhood too. I haven't been much of a father figure to him although I thought I was.

The new house payment was pretty steep compared to the old payment. I stupidly thought that I would "grow into it", meaning my income would increase as time went by.

Since I was not diligent about my recovery my disease manifested itself in other ways. I became obsessive with "things" like cars and televisions. I bought too many of each. I've racked up credit card debt, a new car payment. I was into online pornography but stopped in Sept when I hit my spiritual bottom. Now I live in fear of losing my job, car and house.

Which brings me to where I am today, extremely depressed. I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn't make the pain any less.

I'm on anti-depressants. They help. I know I'd be more depressed without them.

I've picked up my meetings in NA which I started to attend 2 years ago. I've struggled with the concept of God, whether He is the God of the Bible or a "caring loving God as I understand Him".

I've been praying a lot, trying to turn my life over to Jesus. I've asked for Salvation and Mercy but have felt no relief.

I have also told God that I am ready to go. I can't commit suicide but would love for the pain and suffering of this life to end before I make the next mistake.

So you see, I just don't know how to do this thing called life. I thought things were going well. Life was good... but I was in my disease and was blind to what I was doing. The AA/NA programs help but I feel it is too late.

I have such an overwhelming feeling of doom. I remember reading that there were checks and balances in place to prevent another "Great Depression". Well, those checks and balances weren't really there and I believe we are in for the "Mother of All Depressions" and in fact may be at the "End Times" as the Bible states.

"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." - whether or not it's the disease of addiction or the devil, I feel like I fell into a trap and have been snared. Please pray for my deliverance.

Well, I have to get ready to go to work while I still have a job. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like being so negative but it is who I am and despite fighting it for years it is always with me.... sometimes at a distance other times close by.

Peace.

I don't know where to start really. I felt the need to vent some frustration. I haven't slept well in two months and have lost about 15 lbs because of worry and anxiety.


I've never known how to live this life I have been given. I felt "apart from" all my life. As a male, it is tough to be shy in American society where assertiveness and aggressiveness is rewarded. I've tried to overcome my shyness and have made some progress but still feel self-conscience and anxiety around people.

I have a touch of OCD. I remember washing my hands up to my elbows in first grade because of the "germs" marching up my arms. The sink was outside the bathroom in the classroom. Another kid noticed me doing that and teased me about it. I stopped doing it.

My mother was a Catholic and we went to church when I was really young. My father didn't attend. I had the thought that I had sinned enough to go to hell by the time I was ten so I stopped going. It was difficult to listen about love and forgiveness when things at home were so volatile.

We moved around a lot. I was always the new kid which made it even more difficult socially. At 16 I put a gun in my mouth but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I couldn't slit my wrists years later when I checked into a hotel room to end it all after getting a DUI. I know that suicide isn't the answer and seriously doubt that I could ever go through with it but I am tired of living a life that I don't know how to live.

I got married young which was a huge mistake. Sick people attract sick people. After divorcing 6 years later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia which explained a lot of things related to her behavior.

I've struggled with alcohol abuse but it has been 14 years since my last drink. I went to AA in 1989 and managed to get a little time but didn't get a sponsor, didn't work the steps and when I quit going to meetings, started to drink again. I came back into the rooms in 1994. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and life got better.

I had started dating a woman when I was drinking. We rented a house together with her 2 year old (at the time) son. I got busted for a DUI and we moved into an apartment. Somehow (gift from God) I managed not to lose my job. After going to AA I got an even better job and bought a house in '96.

I ended up living next to the neighbors from hell. They played loud music at all hours and had 3 dogs that would rush the fence every time I went outside. I tried to look at my part of the problem and tried to find a resolution. The situation got so bad we ended up in court. I knew I had to move, whether it was to a prison cell for taking matters into my own hand or to another house.

I was able to sell the house in 2004 but by then I had slowly and without being aware of it, drifted away from working a solid program of recovery.
I bought another house without really thinking it over because "they only appreciate in value". Yeah, right. Instead of banking the money and scaling down to being a renter I moved into a newer house. My gf and I broke up. Another dysfunctional relationship. I let her son live with me because at the time I thought I was more stable than she was. I live in a better neighborhood too. I haven't been much of a father figure to him although I thought I was.

The new house payment was pretty steep compared to the old payment. I stupidly thought that I would "grow into it", meaning my income would increase as time went by.

Since I was not diligent about my recovery my disease manifested itself in other ways. I became obsessive with "things" like cars and televisions. I bought too many of each. I've racked up credit card debt, a new car payment. I was into online pornography but stopped in Sept when I hit my spiritual bottom. Now I live in fear of losing my job, car and house.

Which brings me to where I am today, extremely depressed. I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn't make the pain any less.

I'm on anti-depressants. They help. I know I'd be more depressed without them.

I've picked up my meetings in NA which I started to attend 2 years ago. I've struggled with the concept of God, whether He is the God of the Bible or a "caring loving God as I understand Him".

I've been praying a lot, trying to turn my life over to Jesus. I've asked for Salvation and Mercy but have felt no relief.

I have also told God that I am ready to go. I can't commit suicide but would love for the pain and suffering of this life to end before I make the next mistake.

So you see, I just don't know how to do this thing called life. I thought things were going well. Life was good... but I was in my disease and was blind to what I was doing. The AA/NA programs help but I feel it is too late.

I have such an overwhelming feeling of doom. I remember reading that there were checks and balances in place to prevent another "Great Depression". Well, those checks and balances weren't really there and I believe we are in for the "Mother of All Depressions" and in fact may be at the "End Times" as the Bible states.

Well, I have to get ready to go to work while I still have a job. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like being so negative but it is who I am and despite fighting it for years it is always with me.... sometimes at a distance other times close by.

Peace.

Recently some of the threads seem to indicate a bit of confusion about healthy boundaries vs. controlling behaviors in relationships.

It is certainly a complicated topic.

I would like to talk about the subject from the perspective of a formerly (and working everyday to get better!) very controlling person. I am not an addict, but I love one.

As a controller, I made my husband aware of what he should and should not be doing on a regular basis:

He should get more sleep.
He should see the doctor.
He should look for a new job.
He should come on our family vacation.
He should stop drinking.

He should not stay up until 3a.m. playing video games.
He should not abruptly discontinue his antidepressants.
He should not complain about his work.
He should not complain about the pillows in the hotel room or the lines at the amusement park.
He should not sit in his car and drink until he is too intoxicated to drag himself inside the house.

These should's/should not's sounded SO reasonable to me.
They sounded healthy - so, in the name of health, I felt entirely justified in attempting to enforce these "rules" on my husband.

If he had told me that he didn't think it was healthy for me to go out with a girlfriend, I would have told him to go suck an egg.

So, there was a double standard of sorts. I thought that his violation of my "healthy" concept was sufficient reason for him to change his behavior, but I certainly didn't believe that my behavior ought to change simply because he thought it was unhealthy.

He said I was controlling, and I angrily maintained that I was NOT. Thank you very much.

In retrospect I can see that I desperately wanted to control him. I had very specific ideas about "proper" husband behavior, and when he didn't keep up his end of the deal (meaning, do what I wanted him to) I could come unglued.

Weeping.
Yelling.
I even hit him once.

So, there you have it. I'm a controlling abuser. Who's also a really nice girl.

I think that many people exhibit controlling behaviors at some point in a relationship. It doesn't necessarily mean that they are a bad person or a terrible partner, but it does require some delicate introspective work to pull apart the causes and extent of the problem. And not everyone chooses to do that work.

For me, a healthy relationship requires that both partners openly communicate their needs and fears without trying to control each others' actions. As I get healthier, I can see that saying someone "should not" do something doesn't really get me anywhere.

Today I try to :
1.) State my preferences
2.) Accept that the other person may choose to take a different course of action than I would like.
3.) Decide what action would benefit me most given the other person's choice.
4.) Take that action.

Nobody's perfect, and controlling behaviors sneak in. But, today, if instead of following some variation on the above plan of action, someone consistently attempted to control me, I would decide that our paths were not in line with each other. I would end that relationship.

Thanks for letting me share.
-TC

Reading here I see so many things that I tried to get my Ah to get sober. I always thought I went to extremes then I read that I'm normal. I thought we could post some of the things we've tried no matter how crazy they are. Here are a few of mine.
1. Thought pregnancy would make him want to quit.
2. Me getting sober
3. Going to church
4. Putting him in rehabs
5. Losing weight
6. Thinking he could switch to just beer
7. Threatend and acted with another man
8. Hit him (worst thing I ever did)
9. Yelled and screamed
10. Took away his prized possesions
11. Threw things in his face from his past
12. Said "if you loved us you would quit"
13. Filed for divorce
14. Kicked him out
15. Had him arrested
16. Quit answering the phone
17. Cushioned him from every fall to show him kindness
18. Screamed and yelled outside of his hotel room
19. Tried to savatage his friendships with other drunks
20. Begged him:chatter
21. Cried


just to name a few........

My husband called me about an hour ago to let me know our daughter was life flighted to the hospital. The state trooper told him the driver was DUI and taken to jail. My daughter has a fractured hip and they don't know yet if it will need surgery. She also has a facial wound -- a softball size flap of skin was peeled back starting at her eyelid. They said her eyes are fine and a plastic surgeon is looking at it right now. The ER nurse told me she is really lucky but she won't think so.

My husband sounded really shaky on the phone and I called our son to go meet his dad, stay with him.

And here I am, sitting alone in a hotel room 600 miles away. I've changed my flight home and will leave in about three hours. I was supposed to have breakfast with my mom before visiting my stepmother one more time in ICU. I'm going to call her in a few minutes and fill her in. She's supposed to leave for a seminar today; she's a drug and alcohol caseworker at a homeless shelter.

What are the odds of this? Visiting my alcoholic stepmother in ICU who was DUI and now going home to see my daughter who was injured because of another DUI?

I am so grateful for this community. I have no place else or people to turn to right now and I feel calmer from typing this out. I'm praying like there's no tomorrow and I know God is with me. It was just too much to hold in and I feel numb right now.

Please say prayers for my loved ones and I'll take them too. I'm hanging onto serenity by a thread.

My son is in rehab (#7) in So. Cal. He has been there since 7/11. He has used three times while in treatment and they have moved him back a step each time. He called tonight and said they were going to drug test him and he said he would fail. They asked if he could get a ride somewhere. He had a friend pick him up. This is a friend he met there that is truly working the program. The other boy is in the treatment centers sober living house. Michael has been calling his father and me and said he has to have a hotel room for tonight and will get a sober living house. Of course, just like everyone else my story is a novel so I won't go in to all of it right now because I'm in a crisis situation. He is begging us to get him a hotel room for one night and he'll find a sober living house tomorrow. We are so totally frustrated (more wasted money). I told him I would talk to his dad and call him back. I've turned off both my phones. Is this the right thing to do to leave him on the streets for tonight. By the way, his father is going in for major surgery tomorrow morning at 5:30 a.m. He will start calling me again tomorrow. As I said he has been in 8 rehas and just isn't trying. We told him we were done supporting his drug use only his recovery. Because we've backed down so many times before I know he thinks we will get him a hotel room for one night. Do I leave him on the streets in Orange County? This is would be a shock to his system but could backfire on us and be very dangerous. I'm crying here knowing he is calling me and my phone is turned off. Please help with advice.

hi, im really glad i found this forum, and pardon if my first post is really blunt, but im in a tight rope and feel hopeless, its something i have a really hard time telling anyone about. Ive been using abusing drugs for the past 15 yrs as a somewhat functional addict. Ive tried 12-steps programs, 3 short rehabs cut short due to lack of funds , and have continually failed, 9 months was my longest sober time. Ive given it everything i had, even sharing what i write here, but ive always felt alone regardless.

Im at the mercy of a mutual cocaine/crack -sex/porn addiction that is destroying me, one doesnt go without the other. At the beginning of using/experimenting i experienced sex with cocaine and was so overwhelmed by it, that till this day it haunts me and persuades me to repeat the process over and over again. And to be honest i love it, but the behaviors and the after effects are really turning my life into dust, its such a big easy lie which i fall mysteriously for everytime, i feel like ive become some primitive animal, and i know im not i have alot going for me when sober for even a short time. My relationships have suffered, along with career and all the other things going down the tubes. Ive tried seeking professional counseling, but everything is so expensive, and it seems no ne really cares, gives time if you dont have funds, and opening up to someone at meetings about this is really really hard, people dont like to get into deep topics, "keep coming back." is all too common. I dont have insurance and as everyone knows medicaid doesnt cover anything real, except a shrink who's quick to dispense prozacs or the like. This is my problem and i have a hard time finding anyone who is fimiliar with this, and what people with similar issues have done to find help, im willing to give anything to change. I want a life, a family, a real relationship not a superficial one with a porn mag, a gram, and a hotel room, and the crash with the sun coming up. Deep stuff i know, but its real, and its taking my life. If anyone could recommend something please suggest anything relevant...Im a very open, willing, trying to be honest individual, yet i have some issues with AA/NA, and sometimes have a really hard time believing that i was born with an incurable disease, i really admire many of the lessons learned from AA/NA, but also believe that everyone is unique and that there exists more than one solution to a problem. please feel free to ask me any question or dissect what im saying, maybe my answers can shed light on something too. At this point i dont care in how far ill share, i wish i had the same confidence in other places.. thank you...

Well, mixed feelings, for sure, but last night was relapse #3 (when do you stop counting and consider that they are just going to always be relapsing, I wonder) and that's the bummer part. The GOOD, part ("good"?) was that we had agreed that IF he drank, he would not "bring it home" and he wouldn't continue to send me hateful and blaming texts to try to engage in drama. Well....... this is an absolute FIRST, but he called to tell me that he had "had a few" and wouldn't be coming home....... "cuz that's what I wanted, right..... well, right? I mean, did I REALLY want him to spend all that money on a hotel...... it was only one beer, actually, so did I REALLY want that...." quack.... quack......quack.....

Well, I don't want to waste(!) money on a hotel room (!), but my friend put it wonderfully....
After receiving the one and only text of the night from my AH: "one beer, $150 dollar hotel room" , my friend immediately responded: "one peaceful night at home..... PRICELESS!"


LOL, I LOVE THAT! So, that's my story. Boy, you just gotta find humor in these stories sometimes, right?:Dance7: