Archive for the ‘Idle Hands’ tag
The day after Christmas got to me.
Hi,
I did great on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was apprehensive because this is the first time I ever had this much time off of work in my recovery, and you know what they say about idle hands...but I did fine on the day. Went to a marathon meeting. I think I did well because on those days I had planned how I was going to handle the situations. I knew what to expect.
Then yesterday, my brother invited me over for dinner, the day after Christmas. My whole extended family was there, about 25 of them. I'm well-known to be the shyest person by far in my mostly gregarious, loud, heavy-drinking, Irish family. It is also well-known that I usually have a couple of drinks and then become the "life of the party." Everyone always loved how silly and fun I was with a couple glasses of drinks in me. This was my first Christmas in recovery.
What the family didn't know was that I was usually loaded on pain pills too, and that the pills became an addiction for me. They have no idea that I'm in recovery. They tend to be judgmental of addicts, calling them "weak people" so I never shared about that with them. That, and I want to spare my son this information until he's a bit better.
Anyway, my brother had asked me to bring the wine, which I was fine to do, as I'm not tempted by wine, I hate it. So I brought the wine, and as soon as he uncorked it, he started on me. "Why not have some of the lovely wine you brought?" I tried to explain that I was fine with diet coke, was driving, etc...to no avail. He then poured me my old drink of choice, a rum and coke with lime, and placed it in front of me.
Why can't people respect other's choices? On top of all this, there was some conflict between me and my pill-addicted brother-in-law that was there, so I was already in an upset mood. And I was having trouble with my social anxiety, couldn't find a way to come out of the corner and mix. So I felt kind of set up. I did the only thing that I knew to do at this point in my early recovery.
I got up, said "I gotta go." And left. I got in my car and called a friend, picked him up, and drove to a meeting. We got there an hour early and helped set up. I didn't feel safe until I was in the room. I cried a lot after that. I felt like such a loser. Will I ever learn to deal with social situations clean? If I can't even deal with my family, how will I ever learn to deal with others? No wonder I can't get a sponsor or build a more comprehensive face-to-face network of clean women.
KJ
I did great on Christmas Eve and Christmas Day. I was apprehensive because this is the first time I ever had this much time off of work in my recovery, and you know what they say about idle hands...but I did fine on the day. Went to a marathon meeting. I think I did well because on those days I had planned how I was going to handle the situations. I knew what to expect.
Then yesterday, my brother invited me over for dinner, the day after Christmas. My whole extended family was there, about 25 of them. I'm well-known to be the shyest person by far in my mostly gregarious, loud, heavy-drinking, Irish family. It is also well-known that I usually have a couple of drinks and then become the "life of the party." Everyone always loved how silly and fun I was with a couple glasses of drinks in me. This was my first Christmas in recovery.
What the family didn't know was that I was usually loaded on pain pills too, and that the pills became an addiction for me. They have no idea that I'm in recovery. They tend to be judgmental of addicts, calling them "weak people" so I never shared about that with them. That, and I want to spare my son this information until he's a bit better.
Anyway, my brother had asked me to bring the wine, which I was fine to do, as I'm not tempted by wine, I hate it. So I brought the wine, and as soon as he uncorked it, he started on me. "Why not have some of the lovely wine you brought?" I tried to explain that I was fine with diet coke, was driving, etc...to no avail. He then poured me my old drink of choice, a rum and coke with lime, and placed it in front of me.
Why can't people respect other's choices? On top of all this, there was some conflict between me and my pill-addicted brother-in-law that was there, so I was already in an upset mood. And I was having trouble with my social anxiety, couldn't find a way to come out of the corner and mix. So I felt kind of set up. I did the only thing that I knew to do at this point in my early recovery.
I got up, said "I gotta go." And left. I got in my car and called a friend, picked him up, and drove to a meeting. We got there an hour early and helped set up. I didn't feel safe until I was in the room. I cried a lot after that. I felt like such a loser. Will I ever learn to deal with social situations clean? If I can't even deal with my family, how will I ever learn to deal with others? No wonder I can't get a sponsor or build a more comprehensive face-to-face network of clean women.
KJ
Weird Cravings
Just today, almost 7 months clean, I was driving to work and got this almost obsessive thought that "I just want to get high again!" It came from nowhere. I wasn't thinking anything about drugs or in a drug area and I hadn't had anything happen that would trigger me. It felt like a "blast from the past" or some type of seizure in my brain. Totally chemical craving. I could even taste the oxy in my mouth it was so strong. Like overwhelming hunger. I seriously almost drooled. Where did it come from, and why did it happen? Deja Vu?
I was glad that I had work all day to keep me out of trouble. You know what they say about the devil and idle hands.
KJ
I was glad that I had work all day to keep me out of trouble. You know what they say about the devil and idle hands.
KJ
