Archive for the ‘Ill Feelings’ tag
my story
hello. my mother was an alcoholic and died when i was 17. i'm 27 now, i don't have a drinking problem, but i can't help notice that i view life differently than most people. my mother was not physically abusive, but she liked to contort the truth and turn everyone against each other. i know a lot of people have had it worse than i have, and honestly i cannot recall really what was so bad about the past events. but i know that i'm effected by what happened. i judge myself so harshly that i almost cannot stand myself. i attempted suicide when i was 16 and realized that it wasn't the answer. i usually keep myself in isolation, my friends call me and sometimes i don't even answer the phone or call them back for weeks, which to them appears that i am ignoring them, which i guess i am. in social events like parties, i am usually really quiet and sit back and observe. its hard for me to find anything in life that i want, there is nothing that seems interesting to me or fun, i have no motivation to do anything with myself. i feel as if there is no hope for humanity, and at times, i hate people as a whole. i'm not an angry person nor do i have any ill feelings towards anyone. i try to find any escape from life i.e. video games, books, TV, anything that takes me out of this world that i don't find interesting. i am depressed and feel comfortable in it. i want to feel differently about life and myself, but its hard to break the mold and leave my security blanket. i think my father views me as lazy, and i suppose i am, but its more than that. how can i change this when, in a way, i don't want to?
