Archive for the ‘Insane’ tag
Hes homeless, injured and theres a warrant for him
What am I suposed to do?? Let him suffer and maybe die?? Hes got a broken tooth and scratches all over him. He's insane - finding trinkets on the street that are magical to him - and he failed to appear in court Friday, and so there's a warrant for him. His mom saw him Sunday and said he's dirty, injured and behaving very oddly. He called me at 4am Sunday morning and said he was hitch hiking to Boulder, but he told his parents he had been in Denver since dawn. I am so worried about him, he is out of his mind. I'm sure hes drinking all the time - or as much as he can afford to. Its cold out, its dangerous living on the streets, and he needs help. I dont know what to do. I'm not prepared for the worst.
Facing my fathers drinking for the first time, Help…
This is the first time I've really acknowledged that I have an alcoholic father whose drinking has caused me damage. This is also the first time I have set limits for myself.
I want to start with I have never had a drop in my life! Never even been tipsy and over the last 18 months I have removed everybody from my life that drinks excessively, smokes weed or anything else along those lines in an effort to become a better and healthier person. I also deal with sexual addiction and I have attacked and faced that head on without going back to any of my old ways. Even with all of that forward progress and growth this is different, this is my father!
The issues that I need help with is the roll my mother plays in this and the INSANE amount of guilt I'm feeling.
I will start with saying I never really looked at his drinking like a problem, he's been a good father, he's never hit me or sexually abused me and he would give me the shirt off his back. He has never been a mean drunk and goes to work and is very functional. The drinking has always been, I figured him drinking 6-20 beers a night was just his way of dealing with life. I didn't notice we don't have a relationship, that I expect nothing from him, that broken promises are normal or that I have to tell him the same story 5 times as well as hear the same damn story from him 5 times. I have just accepted that when my mom is pissed with my dad he wants to be my best friend, when he's tired of her she wants me to be the surrogate husband. I totally lost site that I'm now the father of my dad and he's had nothing to offer me in the roll of a father for many many years.
I have listened to him tell me why he drinks for so long I've started to buy into the reasons and accept them as valid. I have watched him for many years push me and my mother to our limits for him to back off just long enough to get us to accept his drinking again. He's told me flat out that's what he does and he won't ever stop drinking. Well this cycle has all changed with yet another broken promise and me digging my heals in and facing this because I'm no longer willing to feel that level of disappointment and no longer willing to accept a relationship where I expect so little I'm numb to it.
The hard thing is that my mother and him rent the house I have next to me and falling outs are compounded by the closeness.
With them living next store and that not going to work in this situation, with these limits I have told my father that I'm making a choice to not have people in my life that drink and if he wants to choose to drink that I need him to move in 30 days. This of course causes an issue with my mother so I will give you some history on her.
She is the daughter of an alcoholic who thinks she has gotten past her relationship with her father but from what she's said that very clearly isn't true. She has been with my father since she was 13 so they have been together for roughly 40 years. He has been very unsuportive of her in setting limits, having healthy boundaries, business ideas and the list goes on. He has gotten drunk and had sex with hookers without condoms clearly risking her life and in this case causing stds including HPV so she's had to have a hysterectomy. She has tried to set limits like last year trying to get away from his influence going as far as calling the sheriff so he would leave but once things get that far he pushes harder on those limits because he knows what choice she will make so he doesn't give her any space and she folds. He'll clean up his act for a couple weeks. Cut back to 1-2 beers a night, stop spending 2-3 hours a day looking at porn but when he doesn't get his daily prais for being a healthy person he finds a reason to start drinking more again.
In this situation it's the worlds fault, my fault, her fault and everybody else is wrong and she's been with this man so long she just follows. Now she's having to find a place to live while he sits idol and blames me. She went as far as to tell me today that "she's not going to be without a roof over her head because of me". She fails to see I'm making a healthy choice and setting a limit, my fathers making an unhealthy choice and she's making another choice be it healthy or not to follow him. She has totally overlooked his roll in this trying to either overtly or backhandedly place blame on me.
I have told her I'm open to talking this out but I want it to be with a family counselor, all three of us and nobody able to manipulate the situation or place blame/skirt their rolls. She's of course fine with that but my father would never go for it. He's telling her I'm brainwashing her, manipulate her and on and on. I've told her she doesn't have to follow him, she's making a choice to and she belittles me for thinking that way. Saying "did you really think I would choose to stay her over going with dad". And of course I didn't expect that but that isn't the point, the point is she has a choice, he has a choice and I have a choice here and I'm the only one making a healthy choice and setting good limits for myself. Taking the hit I am for that really SUCKS! Taking blame for that really SUCKS!
She of course says she isn't ready to leave or make a stand and she's willing to yet again follow him off another cliff and accept the hit at the bottom. I'm starting to have hard feelings with her now as well because I'm having to accept that I have a father that will choose to drink over having a relationship with his son. She's adding guilt and I'm having a very hard time respecting her choices and the excuses she's using are as weak as his. She looks like a VERY scared and weak woman now and I truly have never seen that before. Until this last situation I was blind to the dysfunction and now there's a huge spotlight on it.
I'm clearly emotional from typing this, don't know that I've said what I wanted to say but you have the general idea. My mother will also read this and could really use some support as I see her trying as if she's on the edge but having a tough time jumping. I have told her we're holding up this mans bottom and now I'm gone so she's taking a lot of that weight and he's never going to hit bottom and decide if he wants to make changes with her down there enabling him.
For me, I'm okay, hurt, frustrated and upset but in a positive frame of mind and proud of myself for sticking to these limits. I accept the guilt is part of this and I have a good support system to keep things in check and balanced for me however I feel like I'm leaving the other victim, my mother, behind. I know she's making this choice but it's still hard for me to accept she's willing to be with a man she knows would choose drinking over a healthy relationship with his son, she knows would choose it over her and she just keeps helping him cause this damage.
I'm typing this to get it off my chest but also because much of what I've read in this forum helped confirm that I'm making a good choice and the closer a story fit mine the more reassuring it was. While I hate to say this I hope my story hits home with somebody else as well and gives them some of the confirmation they need to make changes in their life. I think the main thing for me was overlooking all the issues because I wasn't beaten or physically abused. I just failed the see the huge and unhealthy roll this has played in my life for a very very long time.
Comments to put me in check if needed or support me are both welcome.
I want to start with I have never had a drop in my life! Never even been tipsy and over the last 18 months I have removed everybody from my life that drinks excessively, smokes weed or anything else along those lines in an effort to become a better and healthier person. I also deal with sexual addiction and I have attacked and faced that head on without going back to any of my old ways. Even with all of that forward progress and growth this is different, this is my father!
The issues that I need help with is the roll my mother plays in this and the INSANE amount of guilt I'm feeling.
I will start with saying I never really looked at his drinking like a problem, he's been a good father, he's never hit me or sexually abused me and he would give me the shirt off his back. He has never been a mean drunk and goes to work and is very functional. The drinking has always been, I figured him drinking 6-20 beers a night was just his way of dealing with life. I didn't notice we don't have a relationship, that I expect nothing from him, that broken promises are normal or that I have to tell him the same story 5 times as well as hear the same damn story from him 5 times. I have just accepted that when my mom is pissed with my dad he wants to be my best friend, when he's tired of her she wants me to be the surrogate husband. I totally lost site that I'm now the father of my dad and he's had nothing to offer me in the roll of a father for many many years.
I have listened to him tell me why he drinks for so long I've started to buy into the reasons and accept them as valid. I have watched him for many years push me and my mother to our limits for him to back off just long enough to get us to accept his drinking again. He's told me flat out that's what he does and he won't ever stop drinking. Well this cycle has all changed with yet another broken promise and me digging my heals in and facing this because I'm no longer willing to feel that level of disappointment and no longer willing to accept a relationship where I expect so little I'm numb to it.
The hard thing is that my mother and him rent the house I have next to me and falling outs are compounded by the closeness.
With them living next store and that not going to work in this situation, with these limits I have told my father that I'm making a choice to not have people in my life that drink and if he wants to choose to drink that I need him to move in 30 days. This of course causes an issue with my mother so I will give you some history on her.
She is the daughter of an alcoholic who thinks she has gotten past her relationship with her father but from what she's said that very clearly isn't true. She has been with my father since she was 13 so they have been together for roughly 40 years. He has been very unsuportive of her in setting limits, having healthy boundaries, business ideas and the list goes on. He has gotten drunk and had sex with hookers without condoms clearly risking her life and in this case causing stds including HPV so she's had to have a hysterectomy. She has tried to set limits like last year trying to get away from his influence going as far as calling the sheriff so he would leave but once things get that far he pushes harder on those limits because he knows what choice she will make so he doesn't give her any space and she folds. He'll clean up his act for a couple weeks. Cut back to 1-2 beers a night, stop spending 2-3 hours a day looking at porn but when he doesn't get his daily prais for being a healthy person he finds a reason to start drinking more again.
In this situation it's the worlds fault, my fault, her fault and everybody else is wrong and she's been with this man so long she just follows. Now she's having to find a place to live while he sits idol and blames me. She went as far as to tell me today that "she's not going to be without a roof over her head because of me". She fails to see I'm making a healthy choice and setting a limit, my fathers making an unhealthy choice and she's making another choice be it healthy or not to follow him. She has totally overlooked his roll in this trying to either overtly or backhandedly place blame on me.
I have told her I'm open to talking this out but I want it to be with a family counselor, all three of us and nobody able to manipulate the situation or place blame/skirt their rolls. She's of course fine with that but my father would never go for it. He's telling her I'm brainwashing her, manipulate her and on and on. I've told her she doesn't have to follow him, she's making a choice to and she belittles me for thinking that way. Saying "did you really think I would choose to stay her over going with dad". And of course I didn't expect that but that isn't the point, the point is she has a choice, he has a choice and I have a choice here and I'm the only one making a healthy choice and setting good limits for myself. Taking the hit I am for that really SUCKS! Taking blame for that really SUCKS!
She of course says she isn't ready to leave or make a stand and she's willing to yet again follow him off another cliff and accept the hit at the bottom. I'm starting to have hard feelings with her now as well because I'm having to accept that I have a father that will choose to drink over having a relationship with his son. She's adding guilt and I'm having a very hard time respecting her choices and the excuses she's using are as weak as his. She looks like a VERY scared and weak woman now and I truly have never seen that before. Until this last situation I was blind to the dysfunction and now there's a huge spotlight on it.
I'm clearly emotional from typing this, don't know that I've said what I wanted to say but you have the general idea. My mother will also read this and could really use some support as I see her trying as if she's on the edge but having a tough time jumping. I have told her we're holding up this mans bottom and now I'm gone so she's taking a lot of that weight and he's never going to hit bottom and decide if he wants to make changes with her down there enabling him.
For me, I'm okay, hurt, frustrated and upset but in a positive frame of mind and proud of myself for sticking to these limits. I accept the guilt is part of this and I have a good support system to keep things in check and balanced for me however I feel like I'm leaving the other victim, my mother, behind. I know she's making this choice but it's still hard for me to accept she's willing to be with a man she knows would choose drinking over a healthy relationship with his son, she knows would choose it over her and she just keeps helping him cause this damage.
I'm typing this to get it off my chest but also because much of what I've read in this forum helped confirm that I'm making a good choice and the closer a story fit mine the more reassuring it was. While I hate to say this I hope my story hits home with somebody else as well and gives them some of the confirmation they need to make changes in their life. I think the main thing for me was overlooking all the issues because I wasn't beaten or physically abused. I just failed the see the huge and unhealthy roll this has played in my life for a very very long time.
Comments to put me in check if needed or support me are both welcome.
Man, how could something that seems so easy, be so damn hard?!?!?!?!
Well, this is the beginning of my 5th time trying to stay clean and sober...And i only just turned 23. The way i look at it, is that im going through this young, and while my daughter is young. I have so much life left to live, (hopefully) and she shouldnt remember all of the **** i put her through. I think i have finally became sick of the dumb ****, yet i've said that MANY times before. I've been to rehab 3 times since Jan. 2006, and i still haven't seemed to grasp the tools i need to get through this. I have come to see the absolute insanity that comes along with addiction, whether it be drugs or alcohol, I am fortunate enough to have obtained both addictions, as i was saying though, i think it is insane how i disregard any consequences of my actions, and the feelings of the people who love me most. I have said so many times, that i was going to get sober, and i have, but it never has lasted any longer than 5 months. So now, once again im getting clean, and of course, no one believes me. So im constantly getting told, that i am not going to succeed. Everyone thinks that i am just a big *F* up...And that there is close to NO chance i could ever have a better life. Even when i was using, i had so much ambition, to have a better life, to go to school, have my family, and get a good job. WITHOUT using. I was just putting my life on hold, so i could use. I still have goals, and more ambition than ever to achieve them, and without drugs and alcohol in my way, im going to be unstoppable. I just need to stay off of them. I have no support. I dont really have time to go to meetings regularly, because i have no one to watch my daughter. I've cut everyone out of my life that uses. expect for one person who is my best friend, but respects me and doesnt use or talk about it around me.:e136: I found this website, and am hoping that the people on here will help me. It took me awhile, to actually "want" to stop using, (because i was being forced, by probation) but im ready now, im just scared that i cant do it. Even though my alternative is losing my beautiful family, (my daughter and my boyfriend of almost 7 years) and my freedom, both from the people i love, and from the outside world, in addition to losing what could be an awesome life without drugs. Sometimes i dont understand the way my mind works. Im all about justifying EVERYTHING i do, even when im not using, but ESPECIALLY when i am. Its nice to talk about this. I hope somebody is going to read this, and respond. That way i dont feel like im writing to no one, when in all actuality thats the only reason im writing this. I want someone to talk to who understands me. Is it normal to write this much on the newcomer forum thing??? If not please forgive me....
When life gets in the way…
This past two weeks have been soooo busy. I have a house guest, my bff from out of town, I have my kids starting back to school, and work has been insane. For the first time in my recovery, except when I was ill for a week, I've had to take a break from meetings through no fault of my own. I just couldn't get out of work in time to get to any this past week. Even my days off were filled with overtime assignments. I didn't even get much time to do things with my house guest, sadly. It's not my bosses' fault, a lot of stuff just happens at work sometimes, and it has to be dealt with.
My sponsor, predictably, is not very understanding about this. She doesn't have much of a job, lives w/parents, and has no children. This was our big concern when I asked her to be my sponsor, that her life is so different than mine is. I wish she could understand that I just can't tell my boss that "I have to go now. Sorry!" It doesn't work like that at this place. Nobody in my network understands either. All of them are younger and at a different place in their life. I feel completely cut off from my support this week. It's bad enough to miss meetings but being judged for it hurts worse. I guess they are scared because they're used to people being relapsed if they miss a meeting or two. I'm not even tempted to use right now. It's about other stuff besides drugs at this point, dealing with feelings and stuff. People make it hard to go back to meetings after you miss a week when they look at you "all crazy."
KJ
My sponsor, predictably, is not very understanding about this. She doesn't have much of a job, lives w/parents, and has no children. This was our big concern when I asked her to be my sponsor, that her life is so different than mine is. I wish she could understand that I just can't tell my boss that "I have to go now. Sorry!" It doesn't work like that at this place. Nobody in my network understands either. All of them are younger and at a different place in their life. I feel completely cut off from my support this week. It's bad enough to miss meetings but being judged for it hurts worse. I guess they are scared because they're used to people being relapsed if they miss a meeting or two. I'm not even tempted to use right now. It's about other stuff besides drugs at this point, dealing with feelings and stuff. People make it hard to go back to meetings after you miss a week when they look at you "all crazy."
KJ
JFT Sept. 5th - Not Hopelessly Bad
September 5
For many of us, Narcotics Anonymous was the answer to a personal puzzle of long standing. Why did we always feel alone, even in a crowd, we wondered? Why did we do so many crazy, self-destructive things? Why did we feel so badly about ourselves so much of the time? And how had our lives gotten so messed up? We thought we were hopelessly bad, or perhaps hopelessly insane.
Given that, it was a great relief to learn we suffered from a disease. Addiction—that was the source of our problems. A disease, we realized, could be treated. And when we treat our disease, we can begin to recover.
Today, when we see symptoms of our disease resurfacing in our lives, we need not despair. After all, itÂ’s a treatable disease we have, not a moral dilemma. We can be grateful we can recover from the disease of addiction through the application of the Twelve Steps of NA.
Just for today: I am grateful that I have a treatable disease, not a moral dilemma. I will continue applying the treatment for the disease of addiction by practicing the NA program.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Not hopelessly bad
“We find that we suffer from a disease, not a moral dilemma. We were critically ill, not hopelessly bad.”
Basic Text, p. 16
––––=––––
––––=––––
For many of us, Narcotics Anonymous was the answer to a personal puzzle of long standing. Why did we always feel alone, even in a crowd, we wondered? Why did we do so many crazy, self-destructive things? Why did we feel so badly about ourselves so much of the time? And how had our lives gotten so messed up? We thought we were hopelessly bad, or perhaps hopelessly insane.
Given that, it was a great relief to learn we suffered from a disease. Addiction—that was the source of our problems. A disease, we realized, could be treated. And when we treat our disease, we can begin to recover.
Today, when we see symptoms of our disease resurfacing in our lives, we need not despair. After all, itÂ’s a treatable disease we have, not a moral dilemma. We can be grateful we can recover from the disease of addiction through the application of the Twelve Steps of NA.
––––=––––
Just for today: I am grateful that I have a treatable disease, not a moral dilemma. I will continue applying the treatment for the disease of addiction by practicing the NA program.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
How do I deal with a secret drinker?
My wife is a secret drinker and its driving me insane (almost literally). I've tried talking to her about her drinking, but most of the time she denies it or challenges me to prove it. When I can't it makes me think that I'm stupid even though I know I'm not. What I find more worrying is her recent inability to hold a sensible conversation, but I no longer appear to be able to tell when she's sober or drunk because it's all done in secret. What can I do? I still love her dearly, but more and more I feel incapable of continuing.
