Drug Rehab Options Blog

After waking this a.m. and really wanting sobriety yet the chatter in my head telling me to drink cuz the pain of it all was overwhelming, I decided to come here and visit you all.

The holidays which looked so positively wonderful a month ago, led me out and all I can really say is "I don't know what happened". Working, doing some meetings, staying busy and next thing was a blurr. As hopeless as I'm feeling right now, I know it will get better because it did before this happened. I will fight and I will do this with your help cuz I'm so sick of this disease and what it does to me and others & those affected by it. This time could have taken me out as I almost OD'd two times on pills with the alcohol. My worst fear was coming to and knowing I'm still here. I'm not supposed to die yet otherwise I think I would have. I know there's always a next time, but really fear being brain dead instead of just gone. I don't know my purpose and don't know how to get well, but do know I just don't want to feel like this anymore and keep doing this insanity.

I will give today a chance. I won't drink "just for today" and see how tomorrow evolves. I have committed to go to a meeting tonight (and probably tomorrow night) and that's all I can predict right now. I do want LIFE. Not the life like I've known... I want to change. I want to grow. I want to live, differently!!!

Thanks for your time!!
Nicki
:a108:

*~*~*~*~*^As Bill Sees It^*~*~*~*~*
Maintenance and Growth

It is plain that a life which includes deep resentment leads only to futility and unhappiness. To the precise extent that we permit these, do we squander the hours that might have been worthwhile. But with the alcoholic, whose hope is the maintenance and growth of a spiritual experience, this business of harboring resentment is infinitely grave. For then we shut ourselves off from the sunlight of the spirit. The insanity of alcohol returns and we drink again. And with us, to drink is to die.
If we were to live, we had to be free of anger. The grouch and the sudden rage were not for us. Anger is the dubious luxury of normal men, but for us alcoholics it is poison.

ALCOHOLICS ANONYMOUS, P. 66
First Edition

Just checking in and wanted to say that as I did move out back in November and with each day, I am more at peace, find myself in good moods constantly. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I thought my life was doomed and I'd never find a way out or have courage. Me being driven to insanity is what gave me that push that I needed to get out. (I should've left years ago). I have not felt this happy and good in years. I'm thinking since 2001 is the last time I was happy. That was all BEFORE he started doing cocaine.

Sometimes it a leap of faith when you make that jump, but no matter what anyone choses, just don't ever give up on yourself!!!

Happy New Year to everyone!!! (When I think of what I have been through, I feel like I was in the Vietnam War).

Tonight, I'm sitting here alone in a self contemplative mood because it looks like I will be ringing in the New Year by myself as AH is working and I'm totally ok with that..

Today I have come full circle in my journey of my AH's addiction. It was a year ago today that I found the stash of pills hidden underneath the passenger side seat of my husbands truck.. the months of speculating of his drug use had finally been revealed.. Today also marks the day that the chaos and insanity that I allowed to control my life for so many months afterward entered into my life..

My first thoughts were to fix my AH.. in my crazy way of thinking I just knew that I could save my AH from this addiction and that in a few months everything would be back to normal... um, was I ever in for a very rude awakening.

Oh, I went to Al anon, but not for myself.. I went because i was hoping that there I would find out some tips and ideas on how to help my husband. Imagine my disappointment when I discovered that Al-anon was going to offer me no such thing.. So I decided not to go back but instead "help" my AH work his program.. yep, you can see where this is leading.. I was on him like white on rice.. Did you go to a meeting today? Have you found a sponsor? You should really be going to more then just one meeting a week? Look honey, I bought all these books on addiction just for you.. when I wasn't "working" on his program, I was playing Nancy Drew, searching for any and every sign of drug use that I could find and of course I found things and of course I continued on that Merry-go-Round of insanity, knowing things were not working but still not willing to let go and let God..

Every time, I thought things could not possibly get worse, they did.. Every time, I thought that the pain could not possibly cut any deeper it did. The lying, the cheating, the secrets, the stealing.. it just all consumed me to the point where I just did not care anymore..

All the while, I kept posting here on SR... reading situations that mirrored mine, Some were worse then mine and some were one's of hope, the ones that had lived through the nightmare and came out on the other side intact.. I knew what I needed to do, I even had advice for other people on what they should do but I was still living life on my terms instead of life's terms..

One morning in early September, I woke up just wanting to take my own life.. I don't think I would actually have done such a thing but the thought that it even crossed my mind scared the crap out of me.. I knew that I needed to do something RIGHT THEN.. So I sheepishly crawled my way back to Al anon bracing myself for attacks on my character and questions to as why I was still with my AH and where I had been for all these months.. Of course I found none of that there.. all i found were many hugs, lots of support and finally a feeling of serenity, the feeling that I had been looking for all this time..

Slowly I crawled my way out of my hole.. I surrendered everything to my HP and the day I did that I got my life back. As I started attending meetings and working the program for me and not my AH, my AH started attending meetings again too.. This time, it's hands off his program and my hands are all over mine..

I want to thank each and everyone of you beautiful people here on SR.. From the newcomers on here whose pain and angst I can so relate to, to the old timers who always had a cyber hug and words of support and to people like Anvil, who never sugar coats anything.. her words helped me to wake up from the foggy world that I was living in and to face the reality of what was truly going on in my life..

I look back on my journey this past year and today I thanked my HP for allowing me to experience it. It was a painful journey full of hard lessons, but lessons that I needed to be taught in order to become the best me that I can be..

I'm still not where I want to be.. but I have learned through Al-anon that "one day at a time" will get me there..

I have been praying and praying that God would remove some friends from my AH's life that are not friends of his sobriety.. today my AH called me while he was at one of those friends homes.. I found myself resorting back to my crazy days of trying to tell him what to do and where he needed to be and then I felt myself getting angry at God for not answering my prayers.. then a small voice inside my head said that sometimes, God works on a different schedule then I do.. sometimes what I want is not what God necessarily has in mind.. so I quickly turned my problems back over to my HP and my fears went away.. A year ago, I would not have done that... I owe my program for that bit of progress..

Thank you SR friends for being there for me through my worst... and hopefully this year seeing me at my best...

Happy New Year
:nyag:nyd

December 27


God could restore us to sanity

?The process of coming to believe restores us to sanity. The strength to move into action comes from this belief.?

Basic Text, p. 25

????=????

Now that we?ve finally admitted our insanity and seen examples of it in all its manifestations, we might be tempted to believe that we are doomed to repeat this behavior for the rest of our lives. Just as we thought that our active addiction was hopeless and we?d never get clean, we might now believe that our particular brand of insanity is hopeless.

Not so! We know that we owe our freedom from active addiction to the grace of a loving God. If our Higher Power can perform such a miracle as relieving our obsession to use drugs, surely this Power can also relieve our insanity in all its forms.

If we doubt this, all we have to do is think about the sanity that has already been restored to our lives. Maybe we?ve gotten carried away with our credit cards; but sanity returns when we admit defeat and cut them all up. Perhaps we?ve been feeling lonely and want to go visit our old using buddies. Going to visit our sponsor instead is a sane act.

The insanity of our addiction recedes into the past as we begin experiencing moments of sanity in our recovery. Our belief in a Power greater than ourselves grows as we begin to understand that even our brand of insanity is nothing in the face of this Power.

????=????

Just for today: I thank the God of my understanding for each sane act in my life, for I know they are indications of my restoration to sanity.

Hi All,

The Holiday's are a difficult time for the family's of A's. We have the tendency to use the Holiday to give gifts to make the families feel better about the suffering they endure living with an A and the A's tend to use the Holiday to give to make up for the pain they cause. This is confusing and manipulative for children who can't understand the difference.

My AW is in a recovery house since Thanksgiving week. I had to call the paramedics for a well check because she had been drinking mouthwash and would not get out of bed. They took her to the ER and then she found a recovery center. It's been five years of hell and she can still manipulate our 18 and 15 year old! Last Friday she took our 15 year old snowboarding with the her recovery group on a group sponsored trip. Of course the son comes back all excited and impressed with the younger members because they are so cool! I will be filing for divorce and custody this week. Enough insanity!

Most of all I feel she, and I by staying with her for the last five years, has completely screwed my boys ability to understand what a good relationship is, how and why to use alcohol and how to deal with addiction and relationships in which addiction is present. My 18 year old told me that even though there is no alcohol in the house and that I am pretty much a non-drinker that his Mom's behavior has affected his belief that using drugs and alcohol to have fun is something that all people do! He is against alcohol but feels it's okay to smoke marijuana because it won't be addicting! I am afraid for my kids and angry at my wife.

So, to sum up.....if not for you, the spouse or significant other of an A, then for your children....get away from an A and show, teach and model healthy relationships for your children!

Merry X-Mas to all!

Im so tired of all this. We have a few good days, and back to the calls saying "Im so stressed, I just need a beer, do you have a couple dollars so I can have a beer."

Its pure insanity!!!

We all know the result if he has 1 beer, he'll stop at nothing to get the 2nd, ect and on and on

At some point and time I set a boundary that I felt confident was the right thing to do.

On a Tuesday I had suspicion that the boundary was broken.

By Wednesday I was sure that it was. On the way to work I prayed and I gave up....I felt a need to turn my life over to my HP....I knew I could no longer handle things the way I had been. I needed help -- a hard thing to admit for someone as stubborn as I am.

By Thursday I was angry at myself for failing to follow through with my promise to myself.

On Friday I had the phone thrown at me because I wouldn't drive him to get more pills. He missed. Having already experienced the insanity of an abusive relationship, I knew right then and there that something had to change. As I drove towards the freeway I had the choice to turn left or right --left meant waiting until he passed out and I could go home and right meaning I had to ask for help and spend the night on a couch -- I turned right.


My mom hugged me let me cry on her shoulder and sleep on her couch. Later, my dad did not lecture like I was afraid he would. Instead, he offered understanding and a place to stay as long as I need it. I even admitted some things to coworkers. They took me out dancing.

This all happened in November. AH is back in the house and I know I need to remain strong. Rehab and meetings are good for him, but for me, I need more.

Things are harder this year than ever before; the future is uncertain. I am pretty much broke, behind on everything, and without xmas tree and presents.

Yet.........I feel good. I feel that I am on my way towards a better future -- whatever that may mean. I don't know where I am going....but I know that I am on my way.

What can I say, I've always been a slow learner.

So, tonight, I am thankful for friends on SR (and alanon) who have helped by listening, sharing ES&H, and providing support.

Merry Christmas............Love, Rica

:Xmasmca

In a recent Alanon meeting this was the topic. I found it so interesting to listen to the shares and realize that it was not only me that suffered from self esteem issues due to my fall into insanity from living with an alcoholic, and not only me that had trouble recognizing the good qualities within myself and verbalize them.

So, I thought it would be fun to start this thread.

1) I'm loyal and will stick with with friends. In the past this quality went out of control and turned into a negative but through therapy and Alanon I am realizing that it is a wonderful trait to possess.

2) I like new adventures and am good at rolling with the unexpected.

3) I am intuititve and pick up on others' feeling easily.

:Xmasob

Last friday while straightening up a shelf on a bookcase I came across a bottle of Ambien that I, apparently, had hidden there before my "intervention" and rehab last September. When I first came home from the treatment center I went on some search and destroy missions, all came up with nothing.

I was not ready for this though. I came home 5 weeks ago and my guard for this scenario was diminished, I hadn't slept well the night before, there were so many of them and nobody was around. I had developed a pretty strong addiction to Ambien after I had finally detoxed myself from benzos and stopped the stimulants last spring/summer.

My first reaction was "Thank God, I didn't think I could have POSSIBLY taken all those tablets..." I knew I had to get rid of them, but... Just for a second, I thought, well, nobody has to know, maybe I'll just tuck them safely back into their hiding spot... maybe I'll need them some day...

I flushed them down the toilet, told my wife, and was really shook up. Pretty much screwed up the rest of the day for me... So close to the insanity. I really believe, especially now, that my disease is trying to kill me.

Whew, close call... still 92 days C&S, thank God :)

Mark