Archive for the ‘Institutions’ tag
working the steps
I have begun to re-work the steps as if for the first time. I am gearing myself towards doing a fourth step. I plan to use this thread to post my progress. I just completed my first step on the computer:
My step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
Am I sure I want to stop using?
I am as sure as I can be right now. I want to change enough that I am going through these steps thoroughly again. I am tired of going back to the pain and hell that using ALWAYS brings me to. And I want to continue towards a new life of being more of a giver than a taker.
Do I understand that I have no real control over drugs?
I get this. I get that if I think about using, and then make the decision to use, then I will use and I will use more and more until I am inside of the HELL that I go to and that this could be a further step towards a lower bottom than before. I also know that if I change my thoughts, and ask for help from the universe in any number of ways, that I can do the next right thing.
Do I recognize that in the long run, I didn?t use drugs?they used me?
Yes. When I chose to use, I ended up being outright controlled by the drug. I basically turned into an animal.
Did jails, and institutions take over the management of our lives at different times?
Oh yes. Jail, courts, treatment centers, day hospitals, and the inpatient psyche ward have all had their place in my life over the last 8 years. My life has been centered around these things, sometimes with my addiction running concurrently.
Do I fully accept the fact that my every attempt to stop using or to control my using failed?
Yes I get this. Once I let my thoughts go beyond a point of no return then there was no chance that I could stop myself from taking the rest of the steps towards finally using. And any time that I thought I would use a little and then try to function I either couldn?t show up for my activity or I showed up in a vegetable state, in a paranoid state of fear and pain and guilt.
Do I know that my addiction changed me into someone I didn?t want to be: a dishonest, deceitful, self-willed person at odds with myself and the world?
Oh yes. The more I try I can remember specific lies I made to cover up my using. To cover up why I didn?t answer the phone. Why I didn?t show up for an activity. Why I was late. I remember often rushing an activity to its end so that I could be on my way to start the process of using.
Do I really believe that I have failed as a drug user?
Yes. I like that. I was always a below average drug user. I would pass out after several beers. I would fall asleep when I smoked pot. I was paranoid with hallucinogenics and crack. I was never able to function like it appeared that others could do when they used. I am clearly not an ?A? student as a drinker or drugger.
After one drink or drug I gained the unstoppable desire to use more. This is the compulsion part of my addiction. The raw physical part of it. The animal part of my addiction. The part in which I could not stop and became obsessed with getting and having more.
I also became addicted to the process of getting high itself. Addicted to the addiction. I became obsessed with using all the time, and experienced overpowering desires to use. This is the mental part of my disease.
In the process of my addiction I became more and more self centered. More than the ?normal? state that people face. This self-centered part of me was focused upon and around using. My spirit of light and wonder was almost complete erased. I was mired in the obsession of using, and my next use. This is the spiritual part of my disease: my spiritual bankruptcy.
So for the last 8 years or so I have been involved with my drug of choice in one way or another with little abstinence. It was good ?the first time?. It was a wonderful experience one time. After that things changed more and more towards misery. My life became very messy. I let down my children and wife (ex-wife), friends, and acquaintances at work and elsewhere. I nearly lost my job. I got arrested twice and that could have been a few more times. I stole purses. I stole CD?s. I spent time exchanging my stuff for money at the flea market and pawn shops. I opened bank accounts to get more money and stiffed the banks. I opened more credit card accounts and maxed them out. I drove for miles, over and over again, to get more drugs at all hours of the night. I smashed my cars numerous times, lost telephones, went to work to borrow money, missed work, and was unable to work or do things period. I was in places and times where my life was in danger. There are specific events in which I behaved unforgivably. My life has been completely out of control and very mess at best for the last 5 years. I have squandered my money, cars, time, friendships, and the potential to have been a much better person. I have been a taker.
In my first step I have been powerless after one drink, powerless over my addiction itself, and my life has been a mess.
My step one: We admitted that we were powerless over our addiction that our lives had become unmanageable.
Am I sure I want to stop using?
I am as sure as I can be right now. I want to change enough that I am going through these steps thoroughly again. I am tired of going back to the pain and hell that using ALWAYS brings me to. And I want to continue towards a new life of being more of a giver than a taker.
Do I understand that I have no real control over drugs?
I get this. I get that if I think about using, and then make the decision to use, then I will use and I will use more and more until I am inside of the HELL that I go to and that this could be a further step towards a lower bottom than before. I also know that if I change my thoughts, and ask for help from the universe in any number of ways, that I can do the next right thing.
Do I recognize that in the long run, I didn?t use drugs?they used me?
Yes. When I chose to use, I ended up being outright controlled by the drug. I basically turned into an animal.
Did jails, and institutions take over the management of our lives at different times?
Oh yes. Jail, courts, treatment centers, day hospitals, and the inpatient psyche ward have all had their place in my life over the last 8 years. My life has been centered around these things, sometimes with my addiction running concurrently.
Do I fully accept the fact that my every attempt to stop using or to control my using failed?
Yes I get this. Once I let my thoughts go beyond a point of no return then there was no chance that I could stop myself from taking the rest of the steps towards finally using. And any time that I thought I would use a little and then try to function I either couldn?t show up for my activity or I showed up in a vegetable state, in a paranoid state of fear and pain and guilt.
Do I know that my addiction changed me into someone I didn?t want to be: a dishonest, deceitful, self-willed person at odds with myself and the world?
Oh yes. The more I try I can remember specific lies I made to cover up my using. To cover up why I didn?t answer the phone. Why I didn?t show up for an activity. Why I was late. I remember often rushing an activity to its end so that I could be on my way to start the process of using.
Do I really believe that I have failed as a drug user?
Yes. I like that. I was always a below average drug user. I would pass out after several beers. I would fall asleep when I smoked pot. I was paranoid with hallucinogenics and crack. I was never able to function like it appeared that others could do when they used. I am clearly not an ?A? student as a drinker or drugger.
After one drink or drug I gained the unstoppable desire to use more. This is the compulsion part of my addiction. The raw physical part of it. The animal part of my addiction. The part in which I could not stop and became obsessed with getting and having more.
I also became addicted to the process of getting high itself. Addicted to the addiction. I became obsessed with using all the time, and experienced overpowering desires to use. This is the mental part of my disease.
In the process of my addiction I became more and more self centered. More than the ?normal? state that people face. This self-centered part of me was focused upon and around using. My spirit of light and wonder was almost complete erased. I was mired in the obsession of using, and my next use. This is the spiritual part of my disease: my spiritual bankruptcy.
So for the last 8 years or so I have been involved with my drug of choice in one way or another with little abstinence. It was good ?the first time?. It was a wonderful experience one time. After that things changed more and more towards misery. My life became very messy. I let down my children and wife (ex-wife), friends, and acquaintances at work and elsewhere. I nearly lost my job. I got arrested twice and that could have been a few more times. I stole purses. I stole CD?s. I spent time exchanging my stuff for money at the flea market and pawn shops. I opened bank accounts to get more money and stiffed the banks. I opened more credit card accounts and maxed them out. I drove for miles, over and over again, to get more drugs at all hours of the night. I smashed my cars numerous times, lost telephones, went to work to borrow money, missed work, and was unable to work or do things period. I was in places and times where my life was in danger. There are specific events in which I behaved unforgivably. My life has been completely out of control and very mess at best for the last 5 years. I have squandered my money, cars, time, friendships, and the potential to have been a much better person. I have been a taker.
In my first step I have been powerless after one drink, powerless over my addiction itself, and my life has been a mess.
My network is relapsing
Hi Family,
My network of women is relapsing like crazy this week. My first temp. sponsor relapsed with 5 years clean...yikes...and so many other women in my home group went back out this same weekend. One lady had over 15 years clean! Is it the holidays? This is my first recovery Christmas, so I don't know if people generally relapse more at this time of year or not, but it sure sucks.
One lady in my area died of OD this week,
One went to jail after a non-fatal OD where the police came (she had drugs on her still)
And I just got a call that one of my closest friends in my home group is now is critical care at the hospital for alcohol abuse again(she has a severe medical condition that is aggravated by drinking).
So there we have it covered in my area:
Hospitals, institutions and death.
I'm praying that we all remember, including me, that having to pick up a new white chip is the least of what can happen if we use. The ones who got a chance to pick up a chip this time all told me that it didn't get any better out there, so if anyone is wondering, they did the research for you, and it still sucks, so you don't need to try it.
Let's all have a merry clean Christmas, so that we can enjoy a happy new year. I don't want to lose anyone out of my SR homegroup!
Love and prayers from
KJ:candle6D:
My network of women is relapsing like crazy this week. My first temp. sponsor relapsed with 5 years clean...yikes...and so many other women in my home group went back out this same weekend. One lady had over 15 years clean! Is it the holidays? This is my first recovery Christmas, so I don't know if people generally relapse more at this time of year or not, but it sure sucks.
One lady in my area died of OD this week,
One went to jail after a non-fatal OD where the police came (she had drugs on her still)
And I just got a call that one of my closest friends in my home group is now is critical care at the hospital for alcohol abuse again(she has a severe medical condition that is aggravated by drinking).
So there we have it covered in my area:
Hospitals, institutions and death.
I'm praying that we all remember, including me, that having to pick up a new white chip is the least of what can happen if we use. The ones who got a chance to pick up a chip this time all told me that it didn't get any better out there, so if anyone is wondering, they did the research for you, and it still sucks, so you don't need to try it.
Let's all have a merry clean Christmas, so that we can enjoy a happy new year. I don't want to lose anyone out of my SR homegroup!
Love and prayers from
KJ:candle6D:
What is a Big Book Thumper (to you?)
I just had an a-ha moment reading one of Rufus Posts' concerning "Big Book Thumpers"
So the title stands, "What is a Big Book Thumper to you?"
I realized that BB Thumpers in my opinion all fail to read the same few sections of the Book.
Love and Tolerance of others is our code.
God has peopled this world with physicians and practioners of various kinds who give of themselves freely etc and that their services are often indispensable to helping the newcomer and following his case afterwards
We realize we know but a little, what we have found is an answer that works for us
sometimes not always they say I have to have "their" concept of God, although the book clearly states I get to choose my own concept of a power greater then myself.
Quite often these are folks that fail to have a successful relationship but have no problem "arbiting" the sex lives of others.
Quite a few also point back to "The Golden Age" of AA which frankly never existed, there were addicts, fornication, arguments, 13 stepping, etc from the very beginning, "Hospitals and Institutions" which is older then everything except "General Service" was founded with a fist fight in the parking lot of San Quintin
They miss where Bill wrote "AA must always be all inclusive, never exclusive" You are a member if You say you are, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
This, I'm sure by no means covers everything for me, but for example Steve, Taz, and Rufus constantly refer to the Book, I don't think of them as "thumpers" so that made me question what a thumper is to me and the answer was illuminating.
"me" or "you" are acceptable answers, but what is a BB thumper to you? Is it a good thing? is it bad?
I mean this thread to be helpful to both myself and others, lets keep it clean, I, by no means mean for this thread to be controversial I just had an a-ha moment reading Rufus regarding my perception.
So the title stands, "What is a Big Book Thumper to you?"
I realized that BB Thumpers in my opinion all fail to read the same few sections of the Book.
Love and Tolerance of others is our code.
God has peopled this world with physicians and practioners of various kinds who give of themselves freely etc and that their services are often indispensable to helping the newcomer and following his case afterwards
We realize we know but a little, what we have found is an answer that works for us
sometimes not always they say I have to have "their" concept of God, although the book clearly states I get to choose my own concept of a power greater then myself.
Quite often these are folks that fail to have a successful relationship but have no problem "arbiting" the sex lives of others.
Quite a few also point back to "The Golden Age" of AA which frankly never existed, there were addicts, fornication, arguments, 13 stepping, etc from the very beginning, "Hospitals and Institutions" which is older then everything except "General Service" was founded with a fist fight in the parking lot of San Quintin
They miss where Bill wrote "AA must always be all inclusive, never exclusive" You are a member if You say you are, and the only requirement for membership is a desire to stop drinking.
This, I'm sure by no means covers everything for me, but for example Steve, Taz, and Rufus constantly refer to the Book, I don't think of them as "thumpers" so that made me question what a thumper is to me and the answer was illuminating.
"me" or "you" are acceptable answers, but what is a BB thumper to you? Is it a good thing? is it bad?
I mean this thread to be helpful to both myself and others, lets keep it clean, I, by no means mean for this thread to be controversial I just had an a-ha moment reading Rufus regarding my perception.
Yeah well
Hello.
I am new to these forums.
I have a story to tell. I don't care if anyone reads it or not. It's my story and I gotta tell it.
I had a meth problem. I'll leave out the details because it doesn't matter anyways. I was 23 and couldn't stop doing meth, no matter what it was doing to my life and those around me. Eventually I went looking for help, even though I wasn't sure I was an addict, after all, everyone I knew did way more than me.
So I went to an outpatient place and they told me that I had a problem and that I needed to go to meetings. So I did. I learned alot of things, mostly how to grow up. I went to school, I got married, I created a life. I kept going to meetings.
After about 10 years of this, meetings quit working. Yeah, scream all you want. Remember, it's MY story. Meetings quit working. Steps quit working. Nothing worked. I was a miserable wreck and didn't know why. I went to a shrink. I wrote, I read, I prayed, I did steps, I did whatever anyone told me and it didn't help.
I happened to get a job working on a forum somewhat like this one. I was a moderator and thus had to read all the posts on the thing. There were posts on there from people who were very critical of 12 step programs. I just shrugged them off as people who were either obviously loaded, or just didn't
"get it". Whatever.
After a few months of reading those posts, they started to make more sense. I started seeing the things people talked about going on meetings. I started seeing the closed-mindeness of members. I started questioning the disease model of addiction. I started taking another look at personal responisiblity and what it meant in the real world vs. the program world. I started reading Stanton Peele and Jean Kirkpatrick and daring to question the program.
I was scared. Heck yeah I was, after all, you all told me it would be jails institutions and death for me and any other dissadents. I didn't want to die! Yet, I couldn't keep on as I was. Remember, I was a miserable wreck!
One day, something happened (I can't remember what it was specifically). I had a magnet on my fridge, given to me by my sponsor that said "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". I remember looking at that, thinking about things the shrink had told me, things I had read, things I was learning and picked it up, said "This is BS" and threw it in the trash. That was a liberating moment! I was still scared, but I knew that I had to try a different way.
I called my friends and told them that I was no longer going to go to meetings. I was done. No mas.
I really need to finish this story, but I got to go. I will be back to finish later.
I am new to these forums.
I have a story to tell. I don't care if anyone reads it or not. It's my story and I gotta tell it.
I had a meth problem. I'll leave out the details because it doesn't matter anyways. I was 23 and couldn't stop doing meth, no matter what it was doing to my life and those around me. Eventually I went looking for help, even though I wasn't sure I was an addict, after all, everyone I knew did way more than me.
So I went to an outpatient place and they told me that I had a problem and that I needed to go to meetings. So I did. I learned alot of things, mostly how to grow up. I went to school, I got married, I created a life. I kept going to meetings.
After about 10 years of this, meetings quit working. Yeah, scream all you want. Remember, it's MY story. Meetings quit working. Steps quit working. Nothing worked. I was a miserable wreck and didn't know why. I went to a shrink. I wrote, I read, I prayed, I did steps, I did whatever anyone told me and it didn't help.
I happened to get a job working on a forum somewhat like this one. I was a moderator and thus had to read all the posts on the thing. There were posts on there from people who were very critical of 12 step programs. I just shrugged them off as people who were either obviously loaded, or just didn't
"get it". Whatever.
After a few months of reading those posts, they started to make more sense. I started seeing the things people talked about going on meetings. I started seeing the closed-mindeness of members. I started questioning the disease model of addiction. I started taking another look at personal responisiblity and what it meant in the real world vs. the program world. I started reading Stanton Peele and Jean Kirkpatrick and daring to question the program.
I was scared. Heck yeah I was, after all, you all told me it would be jails institutions and death for me and any other dissadents. I didn't want to die! Yet, I couldn't keep on as I was. Remember, I was a miserable wreck!
One day, something happened (I can't remember what it was specifically). I had a magnet on my fridge, given to me by my sponsor that said "Acceptance is the answer to all my problems". I remember looking at that, thinking about things the shrink had told me, things I had read, things I was learning and picked it up, said "This is BS" and threw it in the trash. That was a liberating moment! I was still scared, but I knew that I had to try a different way.
I called my friends and told them that I was no longer going to go to meetings. I was done. No mas.
I really need to finish this story, but I got to go. I will be back to finish later.
JFT October 18 We all belong
October 18
We all belong
“Although ‘politics makes strange bedfellows,’ as the old saying goes, addiction makes us one of a kind.”
Basic Text, p. 84
––––=––––
What a mixture of folks we have in Narcotics Anonymous! In any given meeting on any given night, weÂ’ll find a variety of people who probably never would have sat down in a room together if it werenÂ’t for the disease of addiction.
A member who is a physician described his unwillingness to identify at his first meeting by refusing to go into “that room full of junkies.” Another member with an extensive background in jails and institutions shared a similar story, except that her shock and surprise stemmed from the realization that “there were nice people there—wearing suits, yet!” These two friends recently celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary.
The most unlikely people form friendships, sponsor each other, and do service work together. We meet in the rooms of recovery together, sharing the bonds of past suffering and hope for the future. We meet on mutual ground with our focus on the two things we all have in common—addiction and recovery.
––––=––––
Just for today: No matter what my personal circumstances, I belong
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
We all belong
“Although ‘politics makes strange bedfellows,’ as the old saying goes, addiction makes us one of a kind.”
Basic Text, p. 84
––––=––––
What a mixture of folks we have in Narcotics Anonymous! In any given meeting on any given night, weÂ’ll find a variety of people who probably never would have sat down in a room together if it werenÂ’t for the disease of addiction.
A member who is a physician described his unwillingness to identify at his first meeting by refusing to go into “that room full of junkies.” Another member with an extensive background in jails and institutions shared a similar story, except that her shock and surprise stemmed from the realization that “there were nice people there—wearing suits, yet!” These two friends recently celebrated their seventh wedding anniversary.
The most unlikely people form friendships, sponsor each other, and do service work together. We meet in the rooms of recovery together, sharing the bonds of past suffering and hope for the future. We meet on mutual ground with our focus on the two things we all have in common—addiction and recovery.
––––=––––
Just for today: No matter what my personal circumstances, I belong
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Service work; what does it really mean??
Service work; such a vital part of recovery but yet such a broad topic. Service work to one person may mean taking meetings into jails and institutions to help the still suffering alcoholic, to a different person it may mean being the secretary for their home group meeting and to another something entirely different. I am curious to hear what others think about service work, what they consider service work, how it has affected their lives, etc.... So here are a few questions to get us started:
How do you define service work?
What types of service work are you active in?
How has service work enhanced your sobriety?
How has the service work of others affected you?
What are your thoughts regarding service work?
Why do you do or not do service work?
Thank you in advance for any input you provide.
How do you define service work?
What types of service work are you active in?
How has service work enhanced your sobriety?
How has the service work of others affected you?
What are your thoughts regarding service work?
Why do you do or not do service work?
Thank you in advance for any input you provide.
JFT Sept 8 - Rebellion
September 8
Many of us have lived our entire lives in revolt. Our initial response to any type of direction is often negative. Automatic rejection of authority seems to be a troubling character defect for many addicts.
A thorough self-examination can show us how we react to the world around us. We can ask ourselves if our rebellion against people, places, and institutions is justified. If we keep writing long enough, we can usually get past what others did and uncover our own part in our affairs. We find that what others did to us was not as important as how we responded to the situations we found ourselves in.
Regular inventory allows us to examine the patterns in our reactions to life and see if we are prone to chronic rebelliousness. Sometimes we will find that, while we may usually go along with what is suggested to us rather than risk rejection, we secretly harbor resentments against authority. If left to themselves, these resentments can lead us away from our program of recovery.
The inventory process allows us to uncover, evaluate, and alter our rebellious patterns. We canÂ’t change the world by taking an inventory, but we can change the way we react to it.
Just for today: I want freedom from the turmoil of rebelliousness. Before I act, I will inventory myself and think about my true values.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Rebellion
“We need not lose faith when we become rebellious.”
Basic Text, p. 34
––––=––––
––––=––––
Many of us have lived our entire lives in revolt. Our initial response to any type of direction is often negative. Automatic rejection of authority seems to be a troubling character defect for many addicts.
A thorough self-examination can show us how we react to the world around us. We can ask ourselves if our rebellion against people, places, and institutions is justified. If we keep writing long enough, we can usually get past what others did and uncover our own part in our affairs. We find that what others did to us was not as important as how we responded to the situations we found ourselves in.
Regular inventory allows us to examine the patterns in our reactions to life and see if we are prone to chronic rebelliousness. Sometimes we will find that, while we may usually go along with what is suggested to us rather than risk rejection, we secretly harbor resentments against authority. If left to themselves, these resentments can lead us away from our program of recovery.
The inventory process allows us to uncover, evaluate, and alter our rebellious patterns. We canÂ’t change the world by taking an inventory, but we can change the way we react to it.
––––=––––
Just for today: I want freedom from the turmoil of rebelliousness. Before I act, I will inventory myself and think about my true values.
Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved
Trying again
I've been a 'lurker' on this site for a while now, and this being my first day of sobriety AGAIN, I thought it's a good time to join. I'm just coming off a 1 and 1/2 month run with hydrocodone (in a cough syrup) and got up to 180mg/day. A chronic relapser, I know what the withdrawls are like and decided that I need to try something different to stay sober, so I called a doctor nearby and enrolled in his Suboxone program. I started this morning with 2mg, and am supposed to call him when I start to feel sick again. He gave me a prescription for the sub which I already filled. With this program you are also mandated to participate in a group session once a week, and do twice weekly random drug screens. A year ago, i would have said 'no way - too harsh', but now I realize how truly powerless I am over my addiction, and harsh is what i need to stay sober.
The battle for me right now is meetings. WHen i first got sober from Oxy's in 2003, i stayed sober for a year because I was going to meetings. After that, my meeting attendence waxed and waned, as did my sobriety. I haven't been to a meeting in over a year and this past year was the worst for using. I was arrested in May for the first time (and hopefully the last) for prescription fraud, and thankfully only received probation (no jail time). I stopped using when that happened, and thought I learned my lession, but once everything calmed down, I picked up again. I am now realizing that meetings HAVE to be part of my recovery, or i will continue to relapse. I just moved to a new town, and am terrified of going to new meetings. I have to get over this fear, because i'm more scared of jails, institutions, and death and that will be my fate if i don't surrender.
Sorry this has been so long. Thanks so much for your support:a194:
The battle for me right now is meetings. WHen i first got sober from Oxy's in 2003, i stayed sober for a year because I was going to meetings. After that, my meeting attendence waxed and waned, as did my sobriety. I haven't been to a meeting in over a year and this past year was the worst for using. I was arrested in May for the first time (and hopefully the last) for prescription fraud, and thankfully only received probation (no jail time). I stopped using when that happened, and thought I learned my lession, but once everything calmed down, I picked up again. I am now realizing that meetings HAVE to be part of my recovery, or i will continue to relapse. I just moved to a new town, and am terrified of going to new meetings. I have to get over this fear, because i'm more scared of jails, institutions, and death and that will be my fate if i don't surrender.
Sorry this has been so long. Thanks so much for your support:a194:
Jails, Institutions or Death
I found this on another forum, if I posted the picture right.
