Archive for the ‘Intelligent Woman’ tag
I have hit rock bottom….the end (long post)
I got picked up tonight for my second dwi. I am at my parents place right now who have graciously given my a place to live....and I have drawn them to the point where they are out of options. My best friend who I have not even spent hardly anytime with in the last year came to pick me up at the jail at 2:20am, and drove me home. He had class at 8am.
I woke up my parents to let me in....and told my dad I will talk to him in the morning about what happened. I am sure I will probably not have a place to live after tomorrow......they have warned me many times to get my **** together and sooner or later it will come down to tough love.
I will be turning in my two weeks notice at my job tomorrow, as with two dwi's and inevitable jail time I have no other choice. My car and health insurance will be canceled. I have no where to go. My OWN choices have (will) cause me to lose the woman who I care about and love more than anything in this entire world, and it turns out her parents were right. I am a loser with nothing to offer such a wonderful intelligent woman. I have really backed myself into a corner with this one.
When I go to court tomorrow to clear up my first DWI, yeah I know, I will head over to the local treatment center and see if and when I can check myself into inpatient treatment. This will not be as easy as it sounds, because the bank of my parents has been shut down. They promised me they will not help me out this time, if it ever happens, and it did. When I turn in my two weeks notice, I will lose my health insurance. Pretty much making paying for treatment impossible. But I have to do it, time to go to treatment for the 4th time. Which is hard, because I went to inpatient at hazelden and left with a toolbox full of recovery tools.
For being 24 years old, alcoholism has literally destroyed my life and everyone who has ever meant anything to me. When I enter treatment I will begin to write a book, a story of my addiction and the hell it has brought me through at such a young age. Any real problems in my life have always been brought on by the "bottle"
My best chance right now is to enter inpatient treatment as soon as possible.... Losing Sara makes me cry, even though I didn't show it the best, she was my everything. Hurting and letting down my Mom and Dad hurts even worse. How will I pay for treatment!? Not to mention the impending jail time....:02:
I know I have not been here in some time, and I have had several bouts of sobriety here and there, but nothing amounting to over one week straight, but never really going a bender for more than a week either.
Happy to be back, I think I need to let everything go, and start again.
I woke up my parents to let me in....and told my dad I will talk to him in the morning about what happened. I am sure I will probably not have a place to live after tomorrow......they have warned me many times to get my **** together and sooner or later it will come down to tough love.
I will be turning in my two weeks notice at my job tomorrow, as with two dwi's and inevitable jail time I have no other choice. My car and health insurance will be canceled. I have no where to go. My OWN choices have (will) cause me to lose the woman who I care about and love more than anything in this entire world, and it turns out her parents were right. I am a loser with nothing to offer such a wonderful intelligent woman. I have really backed myself into a corner with this one.
When I go to court tomorrow to clear up my first DWI, yeah I know, I will head over to the local treatment center and see if and when I can check myself into inpatient treatment. This will not be as easy as it sounds, because the bank of my parents has been shut down. They promised me they will not help me out this time, if it ever happens, and it did. When I turn in my two weeks notice, I will lose my health insurance. Pretty much making paying for treatment impossible. But I have to do it, time to go to treatment for the 4th time. Which is hard, because I went to inpatient at hazelden and left with a toolbox full of recovery tools.
For being 24 years old, alcoholism has literally destroyed my life and everyone who has ever meant anything to me. When I enter treatment I will begin to write a book, a story of my addiction and the hell it has brought me through at such a young age. Any real problems in my life have always been brought on by the "bottle"
My best chance right now is to enter inpatient treatment as soon as possible.... Losing Sara makes me cry, even though I didn't show it the best, she was my everything. Hurting and letting down my Mom and Dad hurts even worse. How will I pay for treatment!? Not to mention the impending jail time....:02:
I know I have not been here in some time, and I have had several bouts of sobriety here and there, but nothing amounting to over one week straight, but never really going a bender for more than a week either.
Happy to be back, I think I need to let everything go, and start again.
Where was I?
I am a functional alcoholic...but getting less and less so every weekend I drink. I make it to work and I don't drink in the morning only on the weekends.
I (used to) pour wine at grocery stores for people to taste. Something I really loved. Whatever was left over I got to take home. So this past Friday I had 11 left over bottles of wine. I went to my boyfriend's sister's house and started drinking on a totally empty stomach. I blacked out pretty fast. I don't remember anything from about 10pm Friday to 4pm on the next Saturday. That is the most saturated I have ever been. While I was blacked out I texted my boyfriend to move out, which he did. I don't even know why I did that.
I think when I search myself, I think that I couldn't bear for him to see me like this, again. He is not a big drinker and I've been walking this tight rope with him for 2 years. I don't think he realized what a huge problem I was having. So now he is gone and I am coming up from my rock bottom, scared and so ready to leave that behind.
I have had so much problem with alcohol. My dad was a huge drunk. I've had an MIP and two DUIIs, but they were 16 years apart so I didn't get in the big big trouble that you usually get in when you get two.
But this weekend I feel that I drank enough to almost kill myself. Here it is Tuesday and I'm just starting to feel like it's out of me. I feel strong right now that I never want to drink again, I can't. My boyfriend will not come back until I actually do what I say I'm going to do (we've been through it a couple times.) I will lose everything if I don't succeed. And I have so much to lose. I'm so afraid that on the weekend, my big trigger, comes around that's when it gets tough.
I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I cannot take that first one because then I'm a goner, because I don't seem to be able to stop until I am blacked out. That makes me feel so sad about myself. I look in the mirror at this beautiful and intelligent woman and to think of me blacked out drunk just makes me sick.
So, that's where I am. Thanks for having this site, truly because I need to start getting this out now. I have found an AA meeting that I can make it to everyday and I'm working for that 30 day coin. It is a precious treasure I have to have. THen the 60, 90 one year. I'm actually quite excited.
I (used to) pour wine at grocery stores for people to taste. Something I really loved. Whatever was left over I got to take home. So this past Friday I had 11 left over bottles of wine. I went to my boyfriend's sister's house and started drinking on a totally empty stomach. I blacked out pretty fast. I don't remember anything from about 10pm Friday to 4pm on the next Saturday. That is the most saturated I have ever been. While I was blacked out I texted my boyfriend to move out, which he did. I don't even know why I did that.
I think when I search myself, I think that I couldn't bear for him to see me like this, again. He is not a big drinker and I've been walking this tight rope with him for 2 years. I don't think he realized what a huge problem I was having. So now he is gone and I am coming up from my rock bottom, scared and so ready to leave that behind.
I have had so much problem with alcohol. My dad was a huge drunk. I've had an MIP and two DUIIs, but they were 16 years apart so I didn't get in the big big trouble that you usually get in when you get two.
But this weekend I feel that I drank enough to almost kill myself. Here it is Tuesday and I'm just starting to feel like it's out of me. I feel strong right now that I never want to drink again, I can't. My boyfriend will not come back until I actually do what I say I'm going to do (we've been through it a couple times.) I will lose everything if I don't succeed. And I have so much to lose. I'm so afraid that on the weekend, my big trigger, comes around that's when it gets tough.
I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I cannot take that first one because then I'm a goner, because I don't seem to be able to stop until I am blacked out. That makes me feel so sad about myself. I look in the mirror at this beautiful and intelligent woman and to think of me blacked out drunk just makes me sick.
So, that's where I am. Thanks for having this site, truly because I need to start getting this out now. I have found an AA meeting that I can make it to everyday and I'm working for that 30 day coin. It is a precious treasure I have to have. THen the 60, 90 one year. I'm actually quite excited.
