Drug Rehab Options Blog

My boyfriend went to rehab about six months ago. He has been doing quite well in his recovery up until about a month ago. Some of the issues we have are due to low self worth, jealousy and a compulsion to control on his part. Other issues are due to challenges that are naturally faced in recovery. I do have a few questions to gain some input regarding some of the challenges we are facing.

My friends and I go to a club sometimes to hang out, dance and drink. I have greatly lessened going there to be supportive of his recovery. There have been three birthdays at the club recently and it has been an all out war for me to go. He has to leave the house so he doesn't see what I am wearing as he can't see me looking nice if he is not there. It drives him crazy and he just tries to pick fights with me. My ex is a part of the group and he hates that even though my ex would love to meet him and I believe truly wishes us the best. He accuses me of being deceptive, doesn't believe I am not behaving out of line when I am out, etc.

I have let him know that I want to support him in his recovery but that I cannot ignore the other people in my life. He can't go with me of course but expects me to not go either because he can't go. He also expects me to not drink anything as he can't drink and it brings upon jealous feelings in him. I do want to be supportive of him without losing my own self, life and my friends. I feel I cannot live for just him or his recovery. This is not just a problem with going to the club, but anywhere without him so I feel control is a part of the issue here as well. It is a problem if I go out for dinner with a girlfriend and he asks me all sorts of questions about what we did, ate and drank. He wants to know every detail. What is your take on this and what do others feel a healthy boundary looks like?

I know he is lonely and is having a terrible time with not being able to go out and have fun. He doesn't have any friends and is only with our immediate family as his family is a large part of his problems in the first place. We used to have date night but that has been canceled as he is either angry or crying that he is so limited as to where we can go. He is tired of staying home all the time and is threatened that I have fun with my friends and he can't have fun with me.

I am ready to walk out on the relationship. I am a positive thinker and find the pity pot he is on often draining and futile. It is like he has no interest in getting off of it. I spend my time reading, do believe I have healthy boundaries, good self worth and communications skills basically in hand. We all screw up from time to time but I believe I have most things under control in my life. The problem is there are a few things I will not give in to as I have let him know losing myself is not an option here. I had a history of co dependent behavior that he was used to and does not like everything not being about him anymore.

AA and intense rehab worked to sober him up but he finds that he does not receive the guidance from AA anymore to learn how to gain a new perspective on certain topics. He does not feel that AA allows his self worth to grow past a certain point and I do agree with him. I read lots of self help books and he reads some of them which are helpful but not direct guidance like he had in rehab.

I will be supportive but not give up my own friends and going to their birthdays. I will not drink or have alcohol in our home but will drink when I go out with my friends. I feel like his recovery is ruling my whole life along with his. I can see him asking but he is demanding I have the exact same restrictions he has in life.

Anyone else deal with this and if so how did you work it out? Thanks for reading.