Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have had one hell of a few days here.
Not only with my job..My relapsing..my grams..My complete disregard for anothers flaws. And the way I handled it.
I was a complete jerk.
I should be the who understands the most. I should have done as she has always done me. Be there. Not critisise and judge.
She has never once turned her back on me. She has never once judged me or put me down.
I did that. ANd she still forgives me.
She is unconditional. I was not.
I cried all night last night. I felt so hopeless and sad and shamed.
I was plotting my next relapse Monday.
I just didnt care.
I was grinding my weels to leave and go backm to Florida as soon as I could go. Thats the worst move I could ever make. I would die down there. I would smoke myself right into the grave.
But today...I dont know what happened. I was sick all day. I was in so much pain I couldnt move. My stomach was just killing me in every way possible. I slept all day long. I tried going up to my aunts to eat. I couldnt even sit up long enough to do anything. I ate a little antipasto. And that killed me more. So I came back home and went back to sleep.
I didnt even open my presents. I didnt have any money to buy anyone anything. But yet my grams and my aunt always do for me.
My aunbt even had to buy my secret santa present because of what happened with my grams.
None of that mattered to them.
I woke up again about 7pm and called my aunt to see if the garbage was going to come tomorrow since today is out sual day. She made me come up and play rock band and try and eat soemthing since I was feeling a little better.

I looked at my cousins pics she posted on her myspace from today.
I looked and I stared at those pictures for a long time.

Why would I want to give up?
Look at what a wonderful family I have.
Sure we have our flaws. But we are ALWAYS there for each other. At least they are..Me..Not always.
I have alot of work to do on myself. Not just the drugs. I have alot of work to do on who I am and who I want to be.
I really lost everything I gained in those 2 screwups.
Or maybe I never made any progress at all.
I really do forget gratitude alot. And humility right along with it.

I always say that peoples true colors come out when you are most in need.
I guess I showed mine the past few days.

I am not going to beat myself up over it. I am ashamed that I let my grams down and myself as well.
But all I can do is move on and do a whole lot of work on me. Me as a person. I really stepped back and took a real good look at myself. The drugs are really a very small part in my flaws.

Anyway..Just needed to vent some.

Hope everyone had a nice day. Mine turned out quite clear for me.

I have been doing very well with my drinking. Holding back as much as possible but this weekend I gave in again and got wasted. I am so depressed right now. And of course I am telling myself that I will never drink again. I feel so horrible.
There is an AA meeting tonight in my town and I think its time for me to finally go to AA. I keep thinking that I can control the drinking myself but I cant.
I was such an jerk all weekend and it just isn't like me. I really want to change my life. I know that I have a lot of good to offer but all that ever comes out in the end is the drunk. I NEED HELP! My anxiety is through the roof right now. I am also a manic depressive and I know that the drinking is counteracting my medication.
I want a life free of the addiction. I want to be happy without having to drink. I feel as though I have bottomed out. Im nervous, scared, frustrated, depressed, and self loathing.
It has to get better, I have to turn this around and it has to be now! I need control of my life again! I have such admiration for all of you who have been able to remain sober and are now truly living the life that you have always wanted to live. I hope that one day I will be right there with you. By changing your lives for the better and posting on this site, you have all inspired me.

Santa knows who has been naughty and who has been nice...

My AH just came off his "vacation" tonight, woke up screaming at me, accusing me of being a "bee-ach" when I was actually helping someone, said one day he would knock me out, yada-yada-yada. Asked me how much money I spent this weekend, etc. Well, needless to say, this really made me mad. And I yelled back to stand up for myself. Then he took off to get some cigarettes which I can't stand and said he may go on another "vacation." In the meantime, my bestfriend wanted to know what to get him for Christmas. I told her to get him nothing because he was being a jerk. When he came back from getting his cigarettes he was all nice-nice but I was still mad.

On top of all this, this afternoon while he was in his self-induced coma, I placed an order for $400 for something he really wanted and he already has other gifts that I have bought for him. I want to return the other gifts and cancel the order first thing tomorrow a.m., if I can. I also told him to not get me anything for Christmas. He was like, "Why?" I said "to save money. And you probably won't be getting me anything anyway." He responded, "I'm looking." Yeah, right.

So am I being too harsh?

First off, is anyone else hitting the quote button about a million times instead of the thanks button because it's moved (or am i nuts)!!!!

Ok, so I haven't posted nor really given any advice because I don't know what i'm doing either lol! But, about 2 weeks ago i was out with my friend and we happened to be sitting at a table at a restaurant that my seat faced into the function room. SO, i'm sitting there and spot my ex Brian that i hadn't seen in over 7 years and we've been broken up for 10. Little background, he broke up with me after meeting a girl at a job i got him through my friend. They got married about a year or so after. So he was on his way to the bathroom and i said "hey", he kept going, so i said "brian" and he looked at me and said "holy $hit" because i look different, lost about 65 lbs. since him :) Must have told me about 100 times how good i looked. He in my opinion always drank too much, so i asked him if he was still drinking that 30 pack every Sunday and he said "no, now on Saturday"....GREAT!! He then asked for my phone number and right then his "girlfriend" (he told me "friend") came up to us and i told him that he doesn't change, things are still the same and he'd never learn!! BECAUSE......his wife gave him the boot for being that same old jerk. So he asked me if that made me feel good to know he was getting divorced. I looked right at him and said "I don't give a $hit what you do with your life"....AND MEANT IT LOL!!!!! My friend said to me, just know if nothing else, that he knows he screwed up by the way he was acting. Told me his mum still talks about me!! Karma does come around, just takes a while!!!

As for J, ran into them at the store last night which made me bummed. Although, they are a sight for sore eyes!!! Yikes!! Of course he spotted my brother's girlfriend and B lined it to the next aisle. Anyways, because we haven't spoken since he left, it was soooooooo tempting to go right upto them and ask about the money situation but also don't want to shoot myself in the foot if she doesn't know! Uggghhhh tis the season to feel dreadfully single!!!! Oh well, could be worse, could be with him lol!!!!!

My point is that as much as we want them to change for the better and see what's good for them, they have to want to change for themselves!! Never did hear from Brian after that meeting.....nothings changed!!

my ex addict/alcoholic boyfriend saw me at a show the other day, and tried to talk to me despite me telling him often that we can not talk , and that we can not be friends because i am still in love with him. we broke up about 6 months ago--- but were together off and on 8 years or so.

I tried to be nice , i said how are you he said he was okay, i half heartedly forced myself to smile, i said good and i left.

last night i got an email sounding angry and mad that we couldnt talk , that he was "glad to see ive grown up a bit" "this is what all our history come to".

i wrote him back saying that he thought i was clingy and needy. now im none of those things to him- and he should be a bit prouder and that maybe i have "grown up a bit".

I also told him that i thought he was selfish for not factoring in my feelings, that because i am still constantly reminded of my heart break, i would just want to remind him, too which isnt healthy.
i also explained that i loved him more than myself and that until that changed it would be unhealthy if we were "friends" and that i still care about him, if he really needed me id be there for him.
and that i was sorry he thought it was selfish- but it wasnt. ive told him i couldnt be friends with him as he still broken my heart and that i could say to him too, couldnt we ha ve worked it out- this is what all our history has come to? and that he made this decision.

he has read it, but not replied. it REALLY HURTS. i feel like he got me again. i wrote him a second email basically saying, thanks i guess he got what he wanted- to know i still cared and that he was okay. and while i poured my heart out, he just said nothing.

it really bummed me out. he gets all angry that ere not talking and then HE doesnt even talk to me . i know thats probably for the best.

but the problem i have here is that I guess he is just OVER the breakup now??? just wants to be friends?!!? what a jerk. i hope i expressed that he is selfish in my email for not thinking of my broken heart.

i have had a struggle this week and its no secret.

sunday night i saw him, he tried to talk to me as we were leaving. i just casually said hi how are you. and he said im okkaay and i said good and walked away.

i did a good job, with help here- not contacting him and telling him how much i care, how hard this is, and how much i miss him.

but tonight i get this email, which i am going to share.

subject: for real?
message:
we cant even talk. really......awesome. glad to see you've grown up a lil bit.
we really cant talk at all? that's the way all our history has gone?


I should note that im curious as to where he is, since i didnt think he had internet and where he is at 10pm and now 2am again that he has it.

anyway, i wrote him back tongiht when i got it. i probably shouldve consulted the board, but i was so .. emotional and somwhat mad that he thinks hes being PUNISHED- and more importantly, i wonder if we were talking, how that would go. probably me, obessing, hoping for a sign that things will work out and him- calling me as a last resort or to make him feel loved.

now i regret it. he gets what he wants: assurance knowing someone loves him and me, im still left either with someone who DOESNT feel the same way or someone who DOES but is an alcoholic. either way, he obviously wins the power struggle which is annoying. but if thats what he wants, he can have it.

but anyway i wrote him back:

dont be a jerk. really, do you think this is fun for me? do you think this is what i want?

(on a side note, you told me that i am clingy and needy and whatever else. you were right about those things. and now im not any of them to you. you'd think youd be a little bit prouder of me, maybe i infact, have "grown up a lil bit").

the reason i wrote you that last letter is so when times are hard you can try to undertand and know i still care. as for me, i dont have some hyper romantic letter to remind me of these things. instead, all i have is a broken heart and cold side of the bed.

and because IM constantly reminded of this, we cant be friends because i will want you to be reminded of this as well. and thats not good for either of us.

im sorry you think its selfish or immature (even though ITS NOT) that i cant be your friend right now. but it could be selfish and maybe hurtful that you want me to just be okay with everything because thats what you want, without regard to remembering that there is another person with feelings in the equation.

ive told you that i am doing this because i need some time to heal my broken heart. this is based upon a decision that you made. i could also say to you then, really--- we couldnt have worked it out? this is the way all our historys gone?

ive told you a million times, but i want to remind you that i am always here for you. and id still be there in less than half a new york second if you (seriously) needed me for something.

and, because i do, despite my hurt,... i STILL did ask you how you were doing. i asked because i genuinely care about you, jake lockhart. even though i dont really want to know, because it sort of hurts me either way.

maybe this is something you just havent gotten... but i care about you and i love you so so so much more than i care or love myself (and "so much" is probably an understatement). maybe that will change one day, but if it ever did, its going to take a long time. and until it does, its probably (extremely) unhealthy for us to be "friends".



sincerely,
grs

Wow......is all I can say. This meeting was the most hard core meeting I have been to. I've only been to a few with my best friend and a few with dh. At first I thought the guy was a dope and a jerk.......then I realized holy shat he's hard. I love the brutal approach.
This speaker poured his heart out and let the timid one's there know that this isn't some place where your mommy is going to hold your hand and that the meetings where they hug you and say "I'm so glad you made it back" were a crock of shat.
In the real world you don't have "yes men", you have YOU to listen to. If you want to recover then you follow these rules if you don't then there's the door.

Even I had an awakening! Codependancy teaches me me me and AA teaches learn to respect others, honesty, acceptance and admit when you've wronged. There is no reason not to use it in every day life.

I can't wait to go again. I don't want to get in rah's recovery so I let him know that I enjoyed the brutalness and I felt it would help me to understand him and also understand my own shortcoming and faults.

He said he had no problem with it. I wish I could have shared it with all of you. It was amazing.
Of course I won't go to anymore but this particular one. I think I needed that kick in the arse today. I felt empowered today. It gave me new tools to understand dh.

So for today it was a great day. We had time together and included each other in our own recovery.

I did cry when they all held hands and took a moment of silence for those who still suffer and for those who have lost their lives.
With my best friend passing a few years ago I thought it very kind for them to remember those who lost the battle and those who have not found serenity yet. It touched my steel heart.

So far........rah is doing great. He is following the steps of AA. It's amazing the work he is putting into this daily. Today was a great sober a great non codependant day for me and a wonderful day with daddy for the kids.

Dh is on his first outting with ds at his school doing a scavenger hunt. It's the first time I've let them venture out together to play. They both deserve it and you should have seen them both glowing. I'm happy. :)

My 30 year-old son needs help to treat his alchoholism. He has been an alchoholic nearly since out divorce, drinking heavily in high school and ever since My ex-wife (divorced for 20 years) wants to put him a private facility that starts with detox - $20k min. I can't afford it but want to help. How can I help without putting my self in financial problems?

My view is that my son needs to find the starting place. Mom can't come to the rescue and have dad write the check. I spoke to him about this and he agrees, but there is tension. I want him to find help now, not next week or next month. . Since they moved to another state almost immediately following the divorce I have been mostly a virtual part of his life, letters, cards, emails phone calls and the 2-3 times per year I go visit. He is closer to his mother, physically and emotionally.

My question for those that have gone through this how should I be thinking about this. Am I a jerk for be concerned about the financial aspect? (My current wife, who loves my son, if definitely NOT in favor of forking over money). I have done this in the past, paying lawyers to fight DUI's, helping with living expenses when jobs were lost, etc. When money is needed I get the first call. Is it OK to put this on him? I want him to find help, make it happen. I'll help, but I can't be the blank check guy. Please give me your thoughts, no matter what.

thank you

Anyone who has a share on this...please help!

I have been in recovery since 2000. Had as much as 3 years, which got blown up in the wake of a major family trial my wife started but will not admit to. I have been struggling ever since with our family dynamic and my continued sobriety; I am reaching the point of complete exasperation with her and her bizarre passive-aggressive co-dependent cycle.

She is a great mom to our son. I am ADHD and a smart, likeable guy, I do well at work and almost anything except dealing with a toddler 24-7. Since she is a *normie* and an untreated al-anon she has an attitude of superiority which grates on me and causes endless small issues. Forgiveness is low on her list as I have f-ed up so many times over the years; and I know I can't really expect anything major, but just trying to be around her and my son for any length of time leads invariably to struggles.

All I want is to live in peace, but I swear she can't do it. We are living apart, but whenever she needs help with OUR house, finances, time off, family trips, etc, she becomes EXTREMELY demanding in a polite sort of way, acting like I am a jerk if I don't jump a mile for the "damsel in distress". She does things like monopolize time with our son in very subtle and wily ways, like going shopping out of town and *forgetting* her phone - OOOH, that one burns me!!). Then, on the other hand, when she is fed up with me or has a bad day, her attitude becomes combative and argumentative so she can bait me into a totally illogical argument and label me as the bad guy because I react, which results in TOTAL frustration for me, to the point where I break out in a sweat just talking to her or thinking about her issues.

PRETTY HEALTHY, EH?

Please offer any advice except seek counseling (that's already in place and going nowhere).

I am a 32 year old male from the north Texas area. I am an alcoholic. I have active in my addiction for 12 years? Maybe longer.

I have 4 children ranging in ages from 5 months to 13 years. I am totally functioning. I own my own successful business, I am very involved in my kids extra circular activities. I go 90 miles an hour every day, and I start drinking at the crack of dawn every morning.

I have known that I am an alcoholic for years. When I was 25 years old I quit for 4 months. I was a regular at AA meetings, had a sponsor, even went into an inpatient rehab facility. I just thought that I was better than the "system." That I didn't need it. I could be that guy who didn't go to meetings, work a program, and be sober.

Obviously, it didn't work, because here I am again. I need help. I need to be pointed in a direction. I have a 5 month old little girl. My wife is so exahusted with me, and rightfully so. I can't imagine having to live with me...I don't live with myself, I am drunk all the time. When I sober up long enough to feel bad at what a jerk I was the night/day before....I take another drink and all that guilt is gone.

Being sober scares me. The feelings that I have when I am sober make my skin crawl. The anxiety, the guilt. It's just so much to overcome without a program. I have actually stopped drinking more often than ever the last 2 or 3 months. I took 4 or 5 days of soberity with me on a few occassions. It was a white knuckled sober. Every second of the soberity seemed like an eternity. I need to be working a program.

I am not the type of person to just walk into a meeting without knowing anyone there. I guess I am stubborn. And I admit that, I am broken down. I don't want to give any more excuses. I just want to start the journey to a better place. My wife deserves it, my daughter and sons deserve it...and most importantly, I deserve it.

Can anyone guide me here?