Drug Rehab Options Blog

well just a short one to say hope all are ok - i'm still in the same place, trying and trying to stop, have been awake all night reading threads and hearing some of you wiser than i still out there and caring enough to stay in touch -i now wish i'd done the same.. have even got myself thru a fast track university degree in ten months but am failing at the last hurdle of my last exam (have passed six so far, three over 90%!) so still kidding myself.
ever hopeful have kept myself pretty strictly on just that one bag -
each day i look at that tiny pile of heroin not even 0.2 of a gram and hope i'll be strong tomorrow morning but nada... having problems with our cold weather yeah i know it's colder in parts of the states but making yourself warm with wd's happening doesn't happen also no job so not much cash for heating - what a dumbass i am -it's really early in the am here and it's all white frost outside..
maybe thats as beautiful as it gets today :wtf2
hugs to all
Karma

December led me straight into the bottle after almost having 30 days. Actually my addiction did. I don't know what happened, it happened so fast and before I knew it I was on a downhill spiral that led to a near overdose... twice. I had letters written of when I'm gone and my body was giving out. I woke up though. Hated waking up. Had to drink and drink to not feel or think but the thoughts kept coming.

Don't know how all this happened. Was working a ligit job, my massage business was taking off, presents were bought, Christmas was in the air and then I picked up and it was all over. Was able to maintain for a Christmas celebration on the 23rd and worked the next two days, then I was off and running, shutting my phones off, quitting my job and getting beligerent to the point of babbling. My heart feels an emptiness, no not really. It is filled with that tremendous feeling of failure, pain and horrific despair. This is my first day with no alcohol and the pills have been emptied.

I need help and don't know where to reach out except here for now. Please lend some support and understanding cuz I know most of you have been there.

Thank you!
Nickishine:a108:

This is my first visit to this site. Ok here is my story. I have known the father of my 21 year old daughter since we both were 15 years old. He has had a heroin addiction for over 20 years. He and I rekindled our relationship 3 yrs. ago after he promised me he was no longer using or selling drugs. Needless to say to my dismay and surprse that was a LIE. Why I didnt run for the hills I dont know. I guess I thought I could help him, but that has proven to be too big of a task for me. Since that wonderful declaration he made to me he has stolen a lot of money from me and our daughter. In the summer of 2007 he took off to rehab for 45 days. He has declared he is and has been clean for a year. I am having a real hard time believing him and I dont know what to do. I don't feel he has nor is he being totally honest with me. He has been working on his job since June of 08 and I have NEVER seen a paystub. I know he works because I drive him there, but every Friday he comes home with between $20-60, and some lame excuse as to why he doesn't have more. Two weeks in a row he said his employer made all the occupants of the truck he was riding in (not driving) pay for a ticket. Then a few months ago it was they had to pay for uniforms (I haven'[t seen the uniforms yet). It is always a reason he has so little to contribute to the household. Now, his hours have been cut at work and he hasn't worked since 12/9/08 and all he can manage to do is sleep or jump up and run out the door with one of the neighbors. And for reasons that are so unclear to me he doesnt get my anger and disgust. I am getting so fed up with him. I am at the point where I don't like him if that makes since. If it were not for the fact that he has no where to go I would throw him out. I love him and I am still in love with him, but I struggle daily to maintain that level of love. He is very lazy and doesn't appear to be concerned about being a provider for himself or the household. He wants to get married, but I am NOT going to marry him until I KNOW he is truly clean. I so desparately want to trust him but his words and actions dont add up. I am so sorry to be long, but I needed to sound off. I feel trapped in his mess while my dreams, wants, and desires are put on hold. Is there anyway I could get him tested for drug use? His mother told me I could get something from a drugstore, but I am not sure how true that is. Am I being too watchful and critical? Am I being to overbearing? He says I have control issues and dont want him to have friends, but my issue is I am very cautious of me and his choice of friends (by appearance only) look just as shady as he does. I want to trust him, but I see don't see where he deserves such trust nor can I see where to begin to mend my broken heart to trust him again.

I have cut back from 3-12 per day to 2-3 (my tapering plan so i dont flip out)- my job wouldnt allow that and i have 5 dependants on my income, and those are real numbers on the drinking. Beer only. I know I will go back if i dont stop. so i am going to pick a day to completely stop- in the next few days. i know this is boring, but thought i would share. you guys motivate me a lot. love to all... and seeing you winners on here really gets me going, thats from the heart.
D

Last night I was at a meeting and my hubby called. It was my dad....he slipped away into eternity while watching the Viking game with my mom.... tomorrow I will fly back to San Diego to help my mom.

Please pray I make wise choices and and super vigilant about my recovery!!!!! I really thought I was going to skate into my year of clean time 1/20/09 easily. This will not be easy. I want to come home and give you guys all a good report. I do not even have my laptop, as it is in the shop.....

My Dad Howard was not ill, I had an awesome 2 weeks w/ he and my Mom....I still cannot believe he is gone....he was just 75 and may have had a stroke or thrown a clot into his lung. He was not in pain, only winded my mom said.....then he closed his eyes and was gone.

I loved him so much. He helped form my silly personality, always a jokester he was.....he was kind and a God fearing man. He did an awesome job as a Dad and a husband. He worked at Rohr Industries for 45 years as a tool and die worker. He and my mom were married for 52 yrs.

Thanks guys. Sheila

I love you and miss you Daddy and will see you in a little while....love Sam

(he always called me Sam cuz he wanted to name me Samatha and my mom named me Sheila) lol

Howard E. G. 8/29/33-1/4/09

Being away from my addicted ex and ending the relationship was difficult, but necessary. I fell in love with someone who took advantage of me in so many ways. Financially, Emotionally, Spiritually, etc. So if the part away is good for me, why am I still sad? I feel that living at home with my parents, starting over from scratch, barely making ends meet let alone able to save money to get my own place is really affecting me. I am sad because I don't have the time with work and raising my daughter to do anything for myself and though I am lonely, now is not the time to jump into a new love. I have so many good qualities, but all I see is loneliness and despair. His family has helped him set his life up again and he has a job and friends and still uses but I am stuck in a hole where I can't even afford a cup of coffee with a friend. Why did this happen, am I ever going to see the light again. I know this is minor compared to other posts, but I am so sad and need some advice. Has anyone been in my shoes? I really could use some words of encouragement. Thank you for reading...if anything comes to your mind, no matter how little...please post...Thanks

I did it again. He called needing money two days before Christmas. He begged and manipulated and made me feel guilty and so on. I wired him money to put a down payment on his own apartment. We are not together but I still love him and want to be with him. I live 5 hours away and still in school. He just graduated, found a job and now living on his own. If I didnt help him, he would still be living with his parents. A big part of me wants to see if he can make it own his own. He chooses to still smoke pot as often as he can. He states he used to do it to get away from his problems but now he does it bc he likes it? We had a good talk on the phone for 2o minutes that night and he wants me to come see him soon. 5 days later after not hearing from him I text messaged him asking how he was doing? I got no response. I text him New Years Ever and New Years Day. He finally text me back and said he would call me later and never did. Yesterday, I kept calling and texting him and he finally answered upset telling me that we aren't together and that I need to quit acting like we are in a relationship. He says he wants to see me and wants me to come down later. I asked when and he said he would call me. He rushed off the phone saying he was busy and was getting everything in his new apartment, thanks to me. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I keep longing for someone that obviously is just using me? Why can't I stop? When will I hit my rock bottom with him? I am broke. Did I enable him? A part of me thinks he will be needing and wanting money again? Do you think so? Will I be strong enough to say No? Why can't I let go. This has been going on for almost 5 years now. I hate myself for it sometimes and then other times I am happy for helping him. I am so confused. I can't function. I feel my heart aching and stay in my room all day. I don't feel like doing anything anymore.

:nyag

the cheap detective...................


the cheap detective?????????


his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, no clouds in sight, sky blue
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love

and when a call comes in, a file he does make
knowing deep within, he can make no mistake
he goes thru the motions
name, address, phone, when can you come in
?I need all the details so I can get a lead?
he?ll check the facts, make some calls
very quickly,
he?ll have more information than he will ever need

quietly, he sits and waits, the minutes turn to hours
another puff on his cigar, it?s time to water the flowers
files upon the window sill, files upon the chair
files, files, and more files of ?case closed? everywhere
he?s got all the information from a to z
the only thing that?s lacking is a case from you or me

the phone rings again, he gives a short hello
he asks the right questions for what he needs to know
another file he makes and puts it to the side
his feet go back on his desk
as he lights another cigar
a glance out his window
the day is slowly ending
his office door ajar
a knock comes from the door, it opens very slow
?what can I do for you?? he says matter of factly, so so
?I?m looking for the cheap detective?
?come in, you are in the right place
tell me of the case?
he gets out another file, fills in all the blanks
another case to solve, another file to stamp ?closed?
he listens to the story, doesn?t believe a word
it a case that so many times before he?s already heard
but he is no judge; he?ll get all the facts
find out who did what to whom and why and when
so much info gathering, out of ink runs his pen
?I?m no ordinary gumshoe,
I?ll solve this case for you?
he?s so reassuring
he listens and listens some more
to this case that is so boring

it?s a job; he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, passing by a butterfly or two
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love

he grabs his hat, walks out the door
he?ll see this guy, that guy
soon he will know all he needs to know and more
a question here, a question there
puts 2 and 2 together, the answer will appear
his client comes to his office
?you have solved this case for me, how much do I owe you?
he gives a smile, no worry, :nyadI?ve solved your case for free

it?s a job, he lives the life of a cheap detective
his feet upon his desk, cigar smoke lingering above
looking out his window, the sun is setting, too
waiting for the next big case, this life is his love

Hi. I am 46 days clean from oxy, percs, and crack. My life has fallen apart and I dont know how to put the pieces back together.

I hurt myself on the job about 2 years ago, prior to that I had a crack problem but was able to get it under control until I found the joy of percs and then I slowly moved onto oxys. At first I tried so hard to keep it under control. My girlfriend had just had my baby and we had her other childern to care for also.

My girlfriend and I had a good relationship. She accepted me. Not for what I was but for who I was. I love her and the kids so much. Fast forward to today. My girlfriend kicked me out a few months back after she discovered I was using crack again. I cant blame her but I will admit that I am angry at her for putting me out of our home. She says she did it because she knew what was coming.

So I got clean after about a month of being out of my home. But being clean hasnt made the situation better. I still dont know what I want. I know that we were happy together but I dont know how much of it was real and how much of it was drugs. I know I love her and the kids but right now I cant even face the kids. I want to but I have done so much to them I just cant right now.

And to top it off my girlfriend isnt even begging me to come home. In fact she had me come to our house and get the rest of my stuff acting like it was no big deal. I love her with all of my heart and she is acting like its no big deal. About a month ago she asked me to come home and I said I cant. Idont know if it was because I was pissed she told me to leave or if it was because I really wanted to her act more like she was concerned or something. I dont know it just seems like she doesnt care. She said that I need to get better for myself and I want too but I want my family back and I dont know how. I have done alot to hurt her and the kids and I just cant or dont know how to set things straight.

I am in a recovery group not NA but a support group and they keep saying I need to focus on myself but I really want to put my family back together and noone seems to want me to. She is not my wife but I want her to be. I want what we had back. I know that she loves me. I think that she is trying not to bother me but I dont know.

How do I do this??????

I've been fortunate and haven't lost a family member, lost a job etc. Since getting sober.

How many of you have had your feet put to the fire since getting sober?

Real testament to how this program works when, the going gets tough, the tough get going.


I watched several friends in the program lose spouses and not drink. I need to see people go thru this for myself. That offers me hope that, I'll be able to handle the real life challenges some day