Archive for the ‘Junkie’ tag
My Sister called me today
For the first time in years.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
I need to "journal" this all out, that phone call and the subsequent phone call "stirred my pot" hugely, I am hoping that I will get some clarity by "journaling with feedback"
As many of you know, I had moved up to "rescue" my family 3 years ago Thanksgiving, and I left maybe 5 months ago, maybe four, not really sure.
The reason I had to "rescue" my family is my sister had an infant and refused to work, leaving my mother to work 100 hour work weeks. long story, blah blah blah much of it is documented here.
My sister is an ex junkie and now a practicing addict on opoids (Dr. prescribed thank you very much med system). She views everyone in the world as how they can add to her life and what she can get from them. She does it so unconsciously as to be nearly unnoticeable. It's just a given "what can I get from this person" is hard wired into who she is.
When I left my "family" and "run away from home" I swore to her that I never wanted to talk to her or any of them ever again, she broke down and sobbing begged me not to "disappear" so I have maintained contact with my sister, but no one else.
I had left some tools there (forgot them) and have been asking her to pick them up and take them to work so I could pick them up for the last few months so I could avoid going to the family property, she has "forgotten" for two months, I eventually did the job I needed those tools for and don't really need them any more, although they are mine, and I "need to get them".
I wasn't really that attached to her picking them up, but under no circumstances was I going to set foot on the family property.
I have called her a number of times in the last few months, twice to ask her about the tools, the other times to see how she was doing and ask about my niece (4 years old), I recently noticed that she never called me, I was the only one that ever called.
I called her from Boston the other day, she sounded great, we had a great conversation, she sounds like she is doing well, she has her eye on a new job, Mom just bought her a new car, my niece is doing great, in the conversation she brought up my tools, and I said yeah, if she could grab them I'd pick them up.
So this morning she knows I am driving up the coast, she calls me, talks for awhile, asks me how I am doing, mentions she is going to pick up my tools so she will have them today, and will I want them today...I am surprised that she called and pleasantly surprised she is concerned for me and doing something for me.
She then asks me about my House generator, we didn't have electricity on the property, everything was solar powered or by "house generators", then she asks me if she could have mine as hers is smoking and about to die.
First I tell her I don't have access to it because it is stored at a friends house, then I relent and say if she drives to meet me (changes a five hour drive into a 3.5 hour drive for me one way) I will pick up my generator and give it to her.
I have no use for it right now, it will be handy during power outages but is by no means a daily necessity for me as it is for her.
After I hung up the phone I was talking to "R" and started to realize I was getting angry, I began to feel manipulated and I realized she had called me for the first time in years and it was the same old story, she needed something, that when I needed my tools 2 months ago she couldn't drive 2 blocks to pick them up, but now she needs something she is suddenly making an effort to not only grab my tools, but to make contact with me.
There is also "other stuff" going on here, my sister is a single mother, the father is in Mexico, and my nickname is "Uncledaddy" for my niece, my "job" was to be the stable male father figure for my niece. As R and I talked she started asking me questions about my niece then asked me who did Bella (niece) have in her life that was a stable male figure.
I got profoundly disturbed, and realized I had started taking distance from my niece about two years ago when I realized that she was my sister's "dream tool" for manipulating me and others, as a matter of fact, that was "the hook" they used to get me to come run the family business, "If you don't come save us, the baby will starve" and my sister used her frequently and even joked about it, during one fight I told my sister she was a "***** without the benefits" because quite frankly that's what she is and how she treats others.
I really like her, she's funny, fun to be around, smart, but she is so geared like a junkie and "what can I get from this situation and this person" is so much a part of who she is I decided I couldn't be around her.
So right now, I am very very deeply disturbed, and I actually had to ask to hang up the phone with R because I was getting so "stirred up" by what had just taken place with my sister, I was beginning to get very angry and feel manipulated by my sister, then when R asked me who was my nieces "father figure" my bile rose up and I started saying "that's my job that's my job that's my job" and getting deeply and profoundly disturbed and upset.
Anyhow, I am going to hit "submit new thread" and reread all of this, I have until 1:30 to make a decision about the generator, and need to do some very thorough "work" around my "family of origin" issues that I had been putting off until my deep and festering resentment had a chance to die down.
If you made it this far, thank you for "listening" and if you just skipped to the end, thank you as well I don't blame you a bit.
JFT December 14
December 14
Addiction, drugs, and recovery
?Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives.?
Basic Text, p. 20
????=????
Before we started using, most of us had a stereotype, a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like. Some of us pictured a junkie robbing convenience markets for drug money. Others imagined a paranoid recluse peering at life from behind perpetually drawn drapes and locked doors. As long as we didn?t fit any of the stereotypes, we thought, we couldn?t be addicts.
As our using progressed, we discarded those misconceptions about addiction, only to come up with another: the idea that addiction was about drugs. We may have thought addiction meant a physical habit, believing any drug that didn?t produce physical habituation was not ?addictive.? Or we thought the drugs we took were causing all our problems. We thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to our lives.
One of the most important lessons we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that addiction is much more than the drugs we used. Addiction is a part of us; it?s an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without drugs. We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using. Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.
????=????
Just for today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery.
Addiction, drugs, and recovery
?Addiction is a physical, mental, and spiritual disease that affects every area of our lives.?
Basic Text, p. 20
????=????
Before we started using, most of us had a stereotype, a mental image of what addicts were supposed to look like. Some of us pictured a junkie robbing convenience markets for drug money. Others imagined a paranoid recluse peering at life from behind perpetually drawn drapes and locked doors. As long as we didn?t fit any of the stereotypes, we thought, we couldn?t be addicts.
As our using progressed, we discarded those misconceptions about addiction, only to come up with another: the idea that addiction was about drugs. We may have thought addiction meant a physical habit, believing any drug that didn?t produce physical habituation was not ?addictive.? Or we thought the drugs we took were causing all our problems. We thought that merely getting rid of the drugs would restore sanity to our lives.
One of the most important lessons we learn in Narcotics Anonymous is that addiction is much more than the drugs we used. Addiction is a part of us; it?s an illness that involves every area of our lives, with or without drugs. We can see its effects on our thoughts, our feelings, and our behavior, even after we stop using. Because of this, we need a solution that works to repair every area of our lives: the Twelve Steps.
????=????
Just for today: Addiction is not a simple disease, but it has a simple solution. Today, I will live in that solution: the Twelve Steps of recovery.
a little update on me………..
Havent been around SR lately and for good reason. I dont even know how to start this off but for the past month and a half i went back out and started using again. I had 10 great months of sobriety before then, was back on track in school, had a good part-time job, relationships with my family were healing and all in all I started to feel good about myself.
What lead me back to get high again?? Still trying to figure that one out for myself and unfortunately it wasnt a gradual climb back to my original tolerance before I entered rehab. Day 1 I snorted a few roxi's and within a week I was once again shooting dope 3-5 times a day. Then once my paychecks from work werent covering my expenses I once again started dealing to support my habit and in no less than a matter of a month im back to a hopeless junkie.
I am currently on day 2 drug free, dopesick as hell and fighting real hard not to go out and get high. Most who have known me on this site know that I did not really attend meetings or the 12 step programs and maybe that is why I am where I am at the moment. All I know is that I am once again stuck in the vicious cycle before I went to rehab where I will try and detox and end up caving in around day 2-4 and go get high, then try and detox again (going through hell) and then going out and getting high again.
I recently was browsing through the threads here on the forums and saw somebody asking whether or not one can go back and recreationally use their drug and from my own personal experience i would not suggest it.
Just wanted to come clean with all of you on here because you have all supported me so much throughout my time here. Stay safe guys
Scotty~~~
What lead me back to get high again?? Still trying to figure that one out for myself and unfortunately it wasnt a gradual climb back to my original tolerance before I entered rehab. Day 1 I snorted a few roxi's and within a week I was once again shooting dope 3-5 times a day. Then once my paychecks from work werent covering my expenses I once again started dealing to support my habit and in no less than a matter of a month im back to a hopeless junkie.
I am currently on day 2 drug free, dopesick as hell and fighting real hard not to go out and get high. Most who have known me on this site know that I did not really attend meetings or the 12 step programs and maybe that is why I am where I am at the moment. All I know is that I am once again stuck in the vicious cycle before I went to rehab where I will try and detox and end up caving in around day 2-4 and go get high, then try and detox again (going through hell) and then going out and getting high again.
I recently was browsing through the threads here on the forums and saw somebody asking whether or not one can go back and recreationally use their drug and from my own personal experience i would not suggest it.
Just wanted to come clean with all of you on here because you have all supported me so much throughout my time here. Stay safe guys
Scotty~~~
Oxy User
Hi. I'm brand new to this site and I have a big problem or I feel that way tonight. Maybe I will change my mind. I'm not even sure if this is the right place to post and I don't know if anyone can relate to me but I know that my life is going down the crapper so to speak because of my oxy addiction. Mostly I am concerned about the amount of money is costs me, which isn't a great reason to get help.
Long story short I am pretty hooked on oxy, my boyfriend had a back injury several years ago and he started selling them. I took recreational painkillers but maybe (at the most) 7 a week when we met for stress, to get high basically and it didn't hurt anyone. I've always held a great job, am college educated, etc. You can't tell by looking at me that I'm a junkie. I don't smoke, eat meat and rarely drink. I bike to work and am very healthy.
Anyway, over the past couple years my intake has gone up and up. Now I'm hooked on the relationship, the pills: snort and take them orally. I go into withdrawal when I try to break up with my boyfriend. I'm not even sure I love him or if I've just stayed together for the "benefits." It's costing me a lot of money and I'm not sure I want out and I honestly don't know what to do. How did I get myself into such a mess? I've never had a problem like this before. I guess i just want to know that there is hope to have a better life than this. I am feeling like such a looser.
Long story short I am pretty hooked on oxy, my boyfriend had a back injury several years ago and he started selling them. I took recreational painkillers but maybe (at the most) 7 a week when we met for stress, to get high basically and it didn't hurt anyone. I've always held a great job, am college educated, etc. You can't tell by looking at me that I'm a junkie. I don't smoke, eat meat and rarely drink. I bike to work and am very healthy.
Anyway, over the past couple years my intake has gone up and up. Now I'm hooked on the relationship, the pills: snort and take them orally. I go into withdrawal when I try to break up with my boyfriend. I'm not even sure I love him or if I've just stayed together for the "benefits." It's costing me a lot of money and I'm not sure I want out and I honestly don't know what to do. How did I get myself into such a mess? I've never had a problem like this before. I guess i just want to know that there is hope to have a better life than this. I am feeling like such a looser.
he thinks he can come home..
so A-exbf calls me from detox yesterday and says he is getting out on tuesday, but they haven't been able to place anyone into any programs or holdings because everything is full. He doesn't have insurance so he can't afford to pay for one. I asked him why he even called and he said he wanted to hear my voice cause he misses me. He said he was sorry (pretty much the same story I heard last time he was in detox) and I told him I have heard all that before. He said he was selfish and I agreed, especially since he was calling because HE wanted to hear my voice....I didn't want to hear his! I told him he was not allowed to come to my house, that I didn't trust him and I don't want him there and his response was that he would be living on the streets of Boston then...and my response was that it wasn't my problem anymore. I gave him his last chance about 2 months ago after detox and he continued to lie and use behind my back, not pay his child support for 3 weeks and got high instead and then ended up finding my checks and stealing from me again. I know he is going to show up at my door sometime on tuesday and beg to stay with me and threaten to kill himself or say he is going to be a junkie on the street because he has nothing left. I am praying I have the strength to say NO and stand my ground. His family has dis-owned him and I was his last resort last time, but not this time. I can't keep letting him back in, with him knowing that he can get away with it and then go to detox and keep coming back. I can't believe he though he could come home.
Newly Alanoned (long Post)
I am a Sober man with 16 years in the AA, although only 7 months of sobriety at this time, I have worked the steps maybe six times, have had long term sobriety, sponsored many men, taken them through the steps, had a long term relationship with another sober person, that ended when I moved to help my family (long distant didn't work for her) we are still very close friends, and talk frequently. I am dating an "A" who has just come in the program, we have been together nearly two years, she qualifies as an "A' easily, she entered the program nearly two months ago, goes to a meeting or two a week, has relapsed once, lied about it to me. She appears very enthusiastic about the program to others but...distant about it to me.
We started dating when I wasn't going to meetings and was DEEP in the throes of going through "family of origin" issues, I had moved to help my family (take over their restaurant) and was living on the same property and working with with 3 practicing alcoholics and a practicing junkie. Everything they said to me was a lie, they did what alkies and junkies do, which is use me until they didn't need me anymore, then discard me.
I got extremely ill...mentally, I couldn't understand what was happening, my reality didn't match what was being said, it was very confusing. This was my state of mind when I started dating this woman, we had an extremely rocky relationship, with break ups, poison emails, fights like i never experienced in my life, with her saying the most awful, evil things about me I have ever heard one human being say to another. It exactly matched my experience I was having with my family, and to say I ultimately behaved poorly to everyone concerned was an understatement. I drank after two years, drank for maybe six months, I didn't have any "consequences" until I decided to get sober again, made phone calls to my sober friends down south, made plans to go stay with them for a week or two and go to meetings, then promptly got a DUI, but was a "daily drinker" immediately.
7 months ago I got sober again, started going to meetings, got a sponsor, then things came to a head with my family, and I made a decision and left in a matter of three days. I have been attending meetings daily, sometimes two, I have been calling 3-5 sober alcoholics a day, I have been reaching out to newcomers, I am currently looking for a sponsor (I have asked a few "old timers" they have said No) I feel I want someone with long term sobriety who is smarter then I am, and who will call me on my BS. I know the book inside out, have been to 3 BB seminars, and can tie most people in knots with my BS including myself. As a former sponsee said to me recently (he has 15 years now) "You know, we all special here but you special special, you need a special special sponsor"
Anyway, a few months ago, the woman I was dating and I broke up, she tried to get back together with me, but I said, "unless you go to therapy and Alanon it will never work, we speak a different language, and I want someone in my life who knows the basics of a relationship and has done some work on herself"
She attended a few Alanon meetings, went to therapy for awhile, then decided AA looked funner, and truthfully actually turned out to be an Alkie, (self diagnosed) and actually started sending me writings...I was...slowly drawn back in...there was recovery in those pages...there was ownership of actions,...I...saw recovery there. One of the patterns that has been consistent with us and our break ups has been "the hearts and flowers" phase, where she answers the phone, ...owns her part...is very loving, in short, is a wonderful girlfriend. Shortly after we get back together, she'll stop going to meeting, stop answering the phone, stop seeing the therapist etc, in short, she's "all better now" and she starts drifting away again, putting distance in between us, until we get in a fight, break up, a week or two later here she comes, hearts, flowers, recovery, taking responsibility for her part...in short, My dream girl" I have seen this maybe a dozen times if not more.
We are presently drifting apart again, she has a little over 30 days of sobriety, is down to one meeting a week (she has a commitment) she has stopped answering the phone again (except if I bring it to her attention, then answer the phone maybe...for a day or two, but I am always surprised when she actually answers the phone any more, although she works from home, and/or always keeps her cell phone close in case her daughter calls.
We have had 3 fights in the last month, one when she looked me right in the eyes and lied to me about drinking, another when she took me to a wedding reception, left me in the hotel room since i wasn't invited, told me she would be back in an hour, maybe two hours tops, and left me in the hotel room for 4.5 hours, then absolutely flipped when I got angry about it, then a week or two ago I finally got angry about her not answering the phone, and not even calling me back in a timely manner just to say "I'm busy, lets talk later"...something...just....something, so anyway, the following is a stream of consciousness I am having about all this.
Can I ever really trust her? Will she ever stop lying? She has consistently lied to me since we started dating, mostly about "small" things but I have caught her dozens and dozens of "white lies" and a few "Important Lies".
Will I ever truly feel "safe" in this relationship?
Is she too damaged by her own past, then by my own actions at the beginning of this relationship to ever trust me? After I dated her a few times, she absolutely freaked out, started talking about marriage, kids, my behavior etc...we had slept together maybe two or three times, I was like "Whoa, this chick is COMPLETE wack and I made the decision to walk away, just walked away, didn't say anything, started dating another woman, she came back to me, wooed me until we started dating again and there was some overlap, I stopped sleeping with this other person but she REALLY liked me and pursued me for months afterwords, MY GF ended up going through my emails, reading them all the way back to the beginning, so I "cheated" on her. Truthfully...what I did was cheating, I wouldn't want it done to me, and looking at the bald facts...I made a mistake, I really did, I made amends for it, fessed up, promised it would never happen again (which it hasn't) and started taking actions to earn her trust, checking in, always being available, always letting her know where I was etc.
So when will she spy on me again? use a keylogger on my computer again? search through my cell phone again? read my emails? look through my phone bill again? Say truly horrible things about me, or to me again?
is she really, or has she ever really been my friend?
I don't think so, because I don't think she knows how to have a friend, deep down inside she doesn't trust me, she doesn't trust anyone.
How much of that is me? I'd probably have to say some, maybe even a good deal from issues at the very start of the relationship, then my insistence that she "own her part" on situations and the fact when she gets "defended" I get angry and do "attack" although all I am asking for is maybe an apology, maybe for her to acknowledge my feelings and not invalidate my feelings, however she doesn't validate my feelings EVER unless we have a knockdown, drag out fight, in which case she will give me an extremely vague apology about "being sorry we fought, or sorry you got upset" very generic apologies taking no responsibility for her part etc., but ultimately I'd have to say it was a pre-existing condition, However just about every time she has ever come to me with an issue, I have responded with love and support, I own my part, apologize, and make amends, change my behavior, nurture her etc. but if I go to her for love, reassurance, nurturing etc. she flat out says "I can't reassure you" that it's "my problem" and if I get threatened by a man in her life, and actually say "I am afraid, this situation scares me" she gets extremely angry and thinks I am calling her a cheater although she needs constant reassurance about any female I ever talk to, and has actually said she doesn't want me talking to my ex or seeing her as well as many other women. She will search through my cell phone and ask me about the names she finds, go to my Myspace and grill me about any women she finds there but adds tons of men to her "sites" with no explanation and gets extremely angry with me if I ask about them and thinks I am accusing her of cheating.
When my ex-GF said to me, all those years ago, you are the first person I have ever been with that is actually on my side...isn't that what I need in a relationship...someone who is on my side?
Is she on my side?
looking at the evidence, I have to say no, emphatically no.
When she comes to me with issues, I have just about ALWAYS been loving and supportive, I'd say nearly every time, I give her love, nurturing, admit my part promptly, change my behavior, however when I come to her with issues, whether abandonment issues, trust issues, her lying to me, disappearing, jealousy, whatever, she gets SUPER defensive then feels "attacked" even if I use "I" messages, and then we have this HUGE fight with her unable to see her part, much less take responsibility for it, and she is absolutely unable to nurture me, or soothe me, she is too worried about not being "wrong" and too defended, so then we fight and she ends up really feeling "attacked" because I try to get her to see her part and see how actions impact me then she REALLY feels that I am not "on her side", when all I want is a hug, all I want is to be reassured, to be comforted, for her to "own her part" to acknowledge me and my feelings, she consistently invalidates my feelings, saying I'm over reacting, or that it "has nothing to do with the relationship" if she's not actually sleeping with another man, that's the only reason to have negative feelings, or be scared, is if it involves another person of the opposite sex...she needs loving, or reassurance on occasion, although less and less as I am very nurturing, caring, trustworthy etc. but when I need it...no go, no love, no reassurance, it's "my problem" and her position is "I haven't done anything wrong" even if I "catch her hand actually in the cookie jar" or even if her behavior played a part in how I feel, whether it be lying, not answering the phone, saying one thing and doing another, disappearing etc.
So will she ever stop lying? stop being so defensive? being so hateful and hurtful when cornered or threatened? will she ever be able to "own her part? Stop hurting me so bad? saying such hurtful things about me and to me?
Will she ever stop being so self centered? She's self centered in a very similar way actually as my mother, but she's extremely self centered when it comes to "us" and she has no idea how her actions impact me, nor does she ever take responsibility for those actions (lying, disappearing, not answering the phone, saying hurtful things, etc. etc.) She is completely "out of touch" with her emotions, she only has two, come closer or get away, lovey dovey or distant and detached.
Do I want to be in a relationship I feel insecure in all the time, knowing that deep down she despises me, because deep down she despises herself? I know this because of the emails she has written to me, the things she has said to me, the posts she's made on the internet about me. knowing she doesn't trust me because she herself is a pathological liar, who at this moment in time is unconstitutionally incapable of being honest even with herself, that may change as time goes on, and she works the steps, but today, the one thing I can count on is for her to lie to me, to "hide" things, so when she does tell the truth I can't tell, and truthfully don't believe her, because she has consistently lied to me during our whole relationship, that hasn't changed
The one thing I can count on is for her to "hide", whether the issue is a big one or small one, I can count on her not telling me the truth, i can count on her to hide something, if not everything.
The bad news is there is a part of me that believes all the terrible things she has said about me, there is a part of me that feels "less then", and lacking in integrity when I know that's not the case, especially after what happened with my family, I am especially vulnerable. With her I am repeating the relationship with my sister and my mother, my mother in that, she makes all these promises to get me to "come back" but the moment I'm in, she changes her mind, my sister in that she she has the total inability to own her part, and all discussions go to "no you, no you" and point out all my flaws, real and imagined.
The interesting thing is, the people who are "recovered" and have integrity, honesty etc, view me the same way, as if I have these qualities, and I tell them the unvarnished truth about myself, these are the people that know me, know my secrets, know my skeletons, know every ugly thing there is to know about me, but the people in my life who aren't recovered, paint me with their character defects.
I feel sick...I feel insecure, uncertain of who I am, I have low self esteem....uncertain of myself and my choices...unable to use my intuition because my intuition is being over ridden...I doubt myself, my virtue, my choices, my integrity, I doubt if I am a "good man" because she has told me so many times what a terrible person I am, a homeless, jobless, cheating, manipulative, abusive, lying, blah blah blah...I am so unhappy...I am obsessed by her however...I feel like I am addicted to a drug that doesn't work any more....we aren't making love, she doesn't answer the phone in the afternoons now...now she is sending me home...not letting me see her...does she have a lover?
I caught her looking right in my eyes and lying to me recently (again) about her drinking (this is the first time I KNOW of about her lying about her drinking, but she has lied to me about stuff the entire relationship), I said, "I am sorry you feel you have to lie to me, but when you lie to me, I will have trouble trusting you, and I don't want this in my relationships any more." she came unglued, and bristled with indignation and said "are you questioning my integrity? It's not a lie, it's a white lie, it has NOTHING to do with you. it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. you are over reacting. You are a drama queen. you need to pick your battles, and this isn't a good one for you. why do you always say everything I do 'impacts' the relationship, why do you always have to blow things so far out of proportion, why do you always have to use such big words?" Then she attacked me and wrote I wasn't working a program, I only went to meetings to get something, I was always a liar, every time i opened my mouth it was to lie, I was a homeless, jobless, cheater, that didn't have a sponsor, the attack went on and on. She later wrote "this isn't about him being a homeless, jobless, cheater, there are stories about all of it and I have forgiven him" (by applying these labels to me, then saying she forgave me, once again, making herself "the good guy" and fully establishing the fact I was a loser, but she was a big enough person to forgive me, leaving out every important part, such as I JUST ******* MOVED to escape from an extremely toxic, ****** situation where my so called "family" had done me beyond wrong, beyond evil) and truthfully she didn't help me move, help me financially, let me stay with her (except on fri-sat night), and I had been visiting her two days a week anyway, then she subsequently threw those two days in my face about how she was "letting me stay with her" and about "how supportive" she was being.
She thinks because she has "cash register" honesty, and she is a good employee and mother, (and she is, a wonderful mother and an incredible employee), that she has "integrity" when in fact, her lying, inability to apologize, and inability to ever take responsibility for her actions in our relationship, makes her have absolutely no integrity in our relationship as far as I can tell.
Is she now, and has she been cheating on me here at home? Does she have a lover?
I don't know, and I wouldn't be able to trust any answer she gave me she has lied SO many times to me in the past.
She travels for work and I have to ask myself does she cheat on me when she travels? I don't know, I do know I can't believe a word out of her mouth, I've caught her lying to me dozens of times, even recently, lying by omission, prevarication, evasion, changing the subject by attacking me, making me the "bad guy". I do know she frequently "disappears" when she's on the road, doesn't answer the phone at night, doesn't call when she says she will, and she has lied right to my face (In Denver, she wrote she was going to bed, then rode a bus across town, went to Coors field, was holding hands with a guy, and called me drunk and crying as she nearly got "date raped" by some guy)
She has a teenage daughter, and one thing I can count on, which has been consistent in the past is when her daughter spends the night at a friends house on the weekend, she won't answer the phone all night. This happened three Fridays in a row once, so one the third Friday I went to her house, she wasn't there. She generally dresses comfortably (blue jeans, flannels) and I had purchased some very sexy clothes for her for Christmas (mini dress, knee high black leather boots, black tights) I had asked her to wear these for me a few times, and she wouldn't, however, that night I went to her "watering hole" and there she was, dressed to kill, sitting with a man who was all over her, running his hands up and down her back as they leaned together to talk (the band was very loud) I stood directly in front of them for nearly ten minutes, and they never looked up they were so intent on each other, I finally stuck my face in hers and said "HELLO, OH YOO HOO!!!" the man dashed away, I walked outside, she followed then yelled at me for 20 minutes about how badly I embarrassed her and what an A-hole I was while I actually just sat there and laughed.
I told a number of friends about this, every one of them advised leaving her, saying she was "dressed to kill" and now I know where she is when she doesn't answer the phone, She and I talked later, and all she could do is tell me I was an A-hole, that my view of the world was completely distorted, and why was I dragging her name through the mud and once again I was being a drama queen and lived in a distorted F'd up world and he was just a "friend".
All of her "friends" have been lovers, she has never been able to have a relationship last longer then six months, and many of her "friends" she met on "adult sites" and not Match.com either, some of her "friends" are married men she had affairs with that she lied to me about for well over a year, saying that they were "just friends" and she didn't understand why his wife and friends treated her like "the other woman" when in fact that's exactly what she was, she got extremely indignant about how she and her daughter were treated and shunted off to the side when his wife was around. She has NO female friends, just ex-lovers she calls friends.
the things that have been consistent in this relationship are:
Her lying to me
Her hiding things from me
Her "running away" and breaking up with me
her abuse of me
her belittling me
her disappearing acts, sometimes for the night, sometimes for a few days, once for a whole weekend
her inability to apologize
her inability to "own her part"
her double standards....
her flipping out if I have a negative emotion, then attacking me and making it "my fault"
her rarely answering the phone, at times for days on end
her absolutely horrific attacks on me if I "rock her boat" or catch her in a lie, catch her in another man's arms, her 3 day disappearance, her romance she lied about while we were broken up, but she was calling me five times a day telling me she loved me, having phone sex with me, begging me to come down, meanwhile dating another man,
all the men "friends" on Flickr including the swinger/porn "friend" that appeared there a week after she met him while traveling that she partied with one of the nights she "disappeared" .......it goes on and on, when i pointed out he was a swinger, she was like "oh, I didn't know he lived "the lifestyle"", kicked him off, then re-invited him a week later when we got in a fight and she broke up with me...probably about her evasiveness and lying yet again.
I won't say it's been all bad, she has many wonderful qualities, and there are many things I truly love about her but I have to ask myself:
Is this all really worth it?
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why am I repeating all my family dynamics?
Why am I trapped in a such situation again where I tell myself if I just try harder, she'll love me, a relationship based on "If only this, then that" why am I involved in a relationship with someone who is consistently emotionally unavailable, and frequently physically unavailable?
what does my gut say?
I'm a mess.
We started dating when I wasn't going to meetings and was DEEP in the throes of going through "family of origin" issues, I had moved to help my family (take over their restaurant) and was living on the same property and working with with 3 practicing alcoholics and a practicing junkie. Everything they said to me was a lie, they did what alkies and junkies do, which is use me until they didn't need me anymore, then discard me.
I got extremely ill...mentally, I couldn't understand what was happening, my reality didn't match what was being said, it was very confusing. This was my state of mind when I started dating this woman, we had an extremely rocky relationship, with break ups, poison emails, fights like i never experienced in my life, with her saying the most awful, evil things about me I have ever heard one human being say to another. It exactly matched my experience I was having with my family, and to say I ultimately behaved poorly to everyone concerned was an understatement. I drank after two years, drank for maybe six months, I didn't have any "consequences" until I decided to get sober again, made phone calls to my sober friends down south, made plans to go stay with them for a week or two and go to meetings, then promptly got a DUI, but was a "daily drinker" immediately.
7 months ago I got sober again, started going to meetings, got a sponsor, then things came to a head with my family, and I made a decision and left in a matter of three days. I have been attending meetings daily, sometimes two, I have been calling 3-5 sober alcoholics a day, I have been reaching out to newcomers, I am currently looking for a sponsor (I have asked a few "old timers" they have said No) I feel I want someone with long term sobriety who is smarter then I am, and who will call me on my BS. I know the book inside out, have been to 3 BB seminars, and can tie most people in knots with my BS including myself. As a former sponsee said to me recently (he has 15 years now) "You know, we all special here but you special special, you need a special special sponsor"
Anyway, a few months ago, the woman I was dating and I broke up, she tried to get back together with me, but I said, "unless you go to therapy and Alanon it will never work, we speak a different language, and I want someone in my life who knows the basics of a relationship and has done some work on herself"
She attended a few Alanon meetings, went to therapy for awhile, then decided AA looked funner, and truthfully actually turned out to be an Alkie, (self diagnosed) and actually started sending me writings...I was...slowly drawn back in...there was recovery in those pages...there was ownership of actions,...I...saw recovery there. One of the patterns that has been consistent with us and our break ups has been "the hearts and flowers" phase, where she answers the phone, ...owns her part...is very loving, in short, is a wonderful girlfriend. Shortly after we get back together, she'll stop going to meeting, stop answering the phone, stop seeing the therapist etc, in short, she's "all better now" and she starts drifting away again, putting distance in between us, until we get in a fight, break up, a week or two later here she comes, hearts, flowers, recovery, taking responsibility for her part...in short, My dream girl" I have seen this maybe a dozen times if not more.
We are presently drifting apart again, she has a little over 30 days of sobriety, is down to one meeting a week (she has a commitment) she has stopped answering the phone again (except if I bring it to her attention, then answer the phone maybe...for a day or two, but I am always surprised when she actually answers the phone any more, although she works from home, and/or always keeps her cell phone close in case her daughter calls.
We have had 3 fights in the last month, one when she looked me right in the eyes and lied to me about drinking, another when she took me to a wedding reception, left me in the hotel room since i wasn't invited, told me she would be back in an hour, maybe two hours tops, and left me in the hotel room for 4.5 hours, then absolutely flipped when I got angry about it, then a week or two ago I finally got angry about her not answering the phone, and not even calling me back in a timely manner just to say "I'm busy, lets talk later"...something...just....something, so anyway, the following is a stream of consciousness I am having about all this.
Can I ever really trust her? Will she ever stop lying? She has consistently lied to me since we started dating, mostly about "small" things but I have caught her dozens and dozens of "white lies" and a few "Important Lies".
Will I ever truly feel "safe" in this relationship?
Is she too damaged by her own past, then by my own actions at the beginning of this relationship to ever trust me? After I dated her a few times, she absolutely freaked out, started talking about marriage, kids, my behavior etc...we had slept together maybe two or three times, I was like "Whoa, this chick is COMPLETE wack and I made the decision to walk away, just walked away, didn't say anything, started dating another woman, she came back to me, wooed me until we started dating again and there was some overlap, I stopped sleeping with this other person but she REALLY liked me and pursued me for months afterwords, MY GF ended up going through my emails, reading them all the way back to the beginning, so I "cheated" on her. Truthfully...what I did was cheating, I wouldn't want it done to me, and looking at the bald facts...I made a mistake, I really did, I made amends for it, fessed up, promised it would never happen again (which it hasn't) and started taking actions to earn her trust, checking in, always being available, always letting her know where I was etc.
So when will she spy on me again? use a keylogger on my computer again? search through my cell phone again? read my emails? look through my phone bill again? Say truly horrible things about me, or to me again?
is she really, or has she ever really been my friend?
I don't think so, because I don't think she knows how to have a friend, deep down inside she doesn't trust me, she doesn't trust anyone.
How much of that is me? I'd probably have to say some, maybe even a good deal from issues at the very start of the relationship, then my insistence that she "own her part" on situations and the fact when she gets "defended" I get angry and do "attack" although all I am asking for is maybe an apology, maybe for her to acknowledge my feelings and not invalidate my feelings, however she doesn't validate my feelings EVER unless we have a knockdown, drag out fight, in which case she will give me an extremely vague apology about "being sorry we fought, or sorry you got upset" very generic apologies taking no responsibility for her part etc., but ultimately I'd have to say it was a pre-existing condition, However just about every time she has ever come to me with an issue, I have responded with love and support, I own my part, apologize, and make amends, change my behavior, nurture her etc. but if I go to her for love, reassurance, nurturing etc. she flat out says "I can't reassure you" that it's "my problem" and if I get threatened by a man in her life, and actually say "I am afraid, this situation scares me" she gets extremely angry and thinks I am calling her a cheater although she needs constant reassurance about any female I ever talk to, and has actually said she doesn't want me talking to my ex or seeing her as well as many other women. She will search through my cell phone and ask me about the names she finds, go to my Myspace and grill me about any women she finds there but adds tons of men to her "sites" with no explanation and gets extremely angry with me if I ask about them and thinks I am accusing her of cheating.
When my ex-GF said to me, all those years ago, you are the first person I have ever been with that is actually on my side...isn't that what I need in a relationship...someone who is on my side?
Is she on my side?
looking at the evidence, I have to say no, emphatically no.
When she comes to me with issues, I have just about ALWAYS been loving and supportive, I'd say nearly every time, I give her love, nurturing, admit my part promptly, change my behavior, however when I come to her with issues, whether abandonment issues, trust issues, her lying to me, disappearing, jealousy, whatever, she gets SUPER defensive then feels "attacked" even if I use "I" messages, and then we have this HUGE fight with her unable to see her part, much less take responsibility for it, and she is absolutely unable to nurture me, or soothe me, she is too worried about not being "wrong" and too defended, so then we fight and she ends up really feeling "attacked" because I try to get her to see her part and see how actions impact me then she REALLY feels that I am not "on her side", when all I want is a hug, all I want is to be reassured, to be comforted, for her to "own her part" to acknowledge me and my feelings, she consistently invalidates my feelings, saying I'm over reacting, or that it "has nothing to do with the relationship" if she's not actually sleeping with another man, that's the only reason to have negative feelings, or be scared, is if it involves another person of the opposite sex...she needs loving, or reassurance on occasion, although less and less as I am very nurturing, caring, trustworthy etc. but when I need it...no go, no love, no reassurance, it's "my problem" and her position is "I haven't done anything wrong" even if I "catch her hand actually in the cookie jar" or even if her behavior played a part in how I feel, whether it be lying, not answering the phone, saying one thing and doing another, disappearing etc.
So will she ever stop lying? stop being so defensive? being so hateful and hurtful when cornered or threatened? will she ever be able to "own her part? Stop hurting me so bad? saying such hurtful things about me and to me?
Will she ever stop being so self centered? She's self centered in a very similar way actually as my mother, but she's extremely self centered when it comes to "us" and she has no idea how her actions impact me, nor does she ever take responsibility for those actions (lying, disappearing, not answering the phone, saying hurtful things, etc. etc.) She is completely "out of touch" with her emotions, she only has two, come closer or get away, lovey dovey or distant and detached.
Do I want to be in a relationship I feel insecure in all the time, knowing that deep down she despises me, because deep down she despises herself? I know this because of the emails she has written to me, the things she has said to me, the posts she's made on the internet about me. knowing she doesn't trust me because she herself is a pathological liar, who at this moment in time is unconstitutionally incapable of being honest even with herself, that may change as time goes on, and she works the steps, but today, the one thing I can count on is for her to lie to me, to "hide" things, so when she does tell the truth I can't tell, and truthfully don't believe her, because she has consistently lied to me during our whole relationship, that hasn't changed
The one thing I can count on is for her to "hide", whether the issue is a big one or small one, I can count on her not telling me the truth, i can count on her to hide something, if not everything.
The bad news is there is a part of me that believes all the terrible things she has said about me, there is a part of me that feels "less then", and lacking in integrity when I know that's not the case, especially after what happened with my family, I am especially vulnerable. With her I am repeating the relationship with my sister and my mother, my mother in that, she makes all these promises to get me to "come back" but the moment I'm in, she changes her mind, my sister in that she she has the total inability to own her part, and all discussions go to "no you, no you" and point out all my flaws, real and imagined.
The interesting thing is, the people who are "recovered" and have integrity, honesty etc, view me the same way, as if I have these qualities, and I tell them the unvarnished truth about myself, these are the people that know me, know my secrets, know my skeletons, know every ugly thing there is to know about me, but the people in my life who aren't recovered, paint me with their character defects.
I feel sick...I feel insecure, uncertain of who I am, I have low self esteem....uncertain of myself and my choices...unable to use my intuition because my intuition is being over ridden...I doubt myself, my virtue, my choices, my integrity, I doubt if I am a "good man" because she has told me so many times what a terrible person I am, a homeless, jobless, cheating, manipulative, abusive, lying, blah blah blah...I am so unhappy...I am obsessed by her however...I feel like I am addicted to a drug that doesn't work any more....we aren't making love, she doesn't answer the phone in the afternoons now...now she is sending me home...not letting me see her...does she have a lover?
I caught her looking right in my eyes and lying to me recently (again) about her drinking (this is the first time I KNOW of about her lying about her drinking, but she has lied to me about stuff the entire relationship), I said, "I am sorry you feel you have to lie to me, but when you lie to me, I will have trouble trusting you, and I don't want this in my relationships any more." she came unglued, and bristled with indignation and said "are you questioning my integrity? It's not a lie, it's a white lie, it has NOTHING to do with you. it means nothing in the grand scheme of things. you are over reacting. You are a drama queen. you need to pick your battles, and this isn't a good one for you. why do you always say everything I do 'impacts' the relationship, why do you always have to blow things so far out of proportion, why do you always have to use such big words?" Then she attacked me and wrote I wasn't working a program, I only went to meetings to get something, I was always a liar, every time i opened my mouth it was to lie, I was a homeless, jobless, cheater, that didn't have a sponsor, the attack went on and on. She later wrote "this isn't about him being a homeless, jobless, cheater, there are stories about all of it and I have forgiven him" (by applying these labels to me, then saying she forgave me, once again, making herself "the good guy" and fully establishing the fact I was a loser, but she was a big enough person to forgive me, leaving out every important part, such as I JUST ******* MOVED to escape from an extremely toxic, ****** situation where my so called "family" had done me beyond wrong, beyond evil) and truthfully she didn't help me move, help me financially, let me stay with her (except on fri-sat night), and I had been visiting her two days a week anyway, then she subsequently threw those two days in my face about how she was "letting me stay with her" and about "how supportive" she was being.
She thinks because she has "cash register" honesty, and she is a good employee and mother, (and she is, a wonderful mother and an incredible employee), that she has "integrity" when in fact, her lying, inability to apologize, and inability to ever take responsibility for her actions in our relationship, makes her have absolutely no integrity in our relationship as far as I can tell.
Is she now, and has she been cheating on me here at home? Does she have a lover?
I don't know, and I wouldn't be able to trust any answer she gave me she has lied SO many times to me in the past.
She travels for work and I have to ask myself does she cheat on me when she travels? I don't know, I do know I can't believe a word out of her mouth, I've caught her lying to me dozens of times, even recently, lying by omission, prevarication, evasion, changing the subject by attacking me, making me the "bad guy". I do know she frequently "disappears" when she's on the road, doesn't answer the phone at night, doesn't call when she says she will, and she has lied right to my face (In Denver, she wrote she was going to bed, then rode a bus across town, went to Coors field, was holding hands with a guy, and called me drunk and crying as she nearly got "date raped" by some guy)
She has a teenage daughter, and one thing I can count on, which has been consistent in the past is when her daughter spends the night at a friends house on the weekend, she won't answer the phone all night. This happened three Fridays in a row once, so one the third Friday I went to her house, she wasn't there. She generally dresses comfortably (blue jeans, flannels) and I had purchased some very sexy clothes for her for Christmas (mini dress, knee high black leather boots, black tights) I had asked her to wear these for me a few times, and she wouldn't, however, that night I went to her "watering hole" and there she was, dressed to kill, sitting with a man who was all over her, running his hands up and down her back as they leaned together to talk (the band was very loud) I stood directly in front of them for nearly ten minutes, and they never looked up they were so intent on each other, I finally stuck my face in hers and said "HELLO, OH YOO HOO!!!" the man dashed away, I walked outside, she followed then yelled at me for 20 minutes about how badly I embarrassed her and what an A-hole I was while I actually just sat there and laughed.
I told a number of friends about this, every one of them advised leaving her, saying she was "dressed to kill" and now I know where she is when she doesn't answer the phone, She and I talked later, and all she could do is tell me I was an A-hole, that my view of the world was completely distorted, and why was I dragging her name through the mud and once again I was being a drama queen and lived in a distorted F'd up world and he was just a "friend".
All of her "friends" have been lovers, she has never been able to have a relationship last longer then six months, and many of her "friends" she met on "adult sites" and not Match.com either, some of her "friends" are married men she had affairs with that she lied to me about for well over a year, saying that they were "just friends" and she didn't understand why his wife and friends treated her like "the other woman" when in fact that's exactly what she was, she got extremely indignant about how she and her daughter were treated and shunted off to the side when his wife was around. She has NO female friends, just ex-lovers she calls friends.
the things that have been consistent in this relationship are:
Her lying to me
Her hiding things from me
Her "running away" and breaking up with me
her abuse of me
her belittling me
her disappearing acts, sometimes for the night, sometimes for a few days, once for a whole weekend
her inability to apologize
her inability to "own her part"
her double standards....
her flipping out if I have a negative emotion, then attacking me and making it "my fault"
her rarely answering the phone, at times for days on end
her absolutely horrific attacks on me if I "rock her boat" or catch her in a lie, catch her in another man's arms, her 3 day disappearance, her romance she lied about while we were broken up, but she was calling me five times a day telling me she loved me, having phone sex with me, begging me to come down, meanwhile dating another man,
all the men "friends" on Flickr including the swinger/porn "friend" that appeared there a week after she met him while traveling that she partied with one of the nights she "disappeared" .......it goes on and on, when i pointed out he was a swinger, she was like "oh, I didn't know he lived "the lifestyle"", kicked him off, then re-invited him a week later when we got in a fight and she broke up with me...probably about her evasiveness and lying yet again.
I won't say it's been all bad, she has many wonderful qualities, and there are many things I truly love about her but I have to ask myself:
Is this all really worth it?
Why am I staying in this relationship?
Why am I repeating all my family dynamics?
Why am I trapped in a such situation again where I tell myself if I just try harder, she'll love me, a relationship based on "If only this, then that" why am I involved in a relationship with someone who is consistently emotionally unavailable, and frequently physically unavailable?
what does my gut say?
I'm a mess.
I ask for help….
I'm really trying to tell myself that this is the end of this madness... I am almost certain by the grace of God it is, but I'm still hurt.
I was not feeling well at work so I asked my ABF to come and get me. I waited over two hours for what should have been a 30 minute subway ride... (The phones don't work in subways so I had no way of knowing if he was on his way or something happened.)
I come home to see him passed out on the floor with a needle. I told him to get out. I did not expalin why, I just wanted him to get out of the door so I could lock it. I don't think he really understood what happened at the time, but later on he did...
He says that I caused him to do heroin, becasue I don't love him and I never did. I don't support him, and when he slips, I never forgive him. When he slips I kick him out, I don't care if it's raining, snow, night or day, when he uses, he is out...
I looked around to see what was missing, ALL my jewelry again. He says that I am crazy and must have bipolar becuase he did not take it. He said that I must have hid it in a place I forgot. (I know where I put my things)... I give up, I use to have nice things, they are all gone.. I might as well be a junkie myself, becuase I sure look like one.
I gained fifteen pounds and he said that I really let myself go... For the past couple of months we did not have sex, because I was not ready to just give in like that again... He said he could not even touch me becuase I have let myslef go.... I'm 5' 8" and 160lbs, so I'm not THAT fat, just need to get this little bit off... and I always try to look nice.
What hurts the most is that he said I never loved him and never supported him... and that the reason he did the heroin was because he does not feel loved by me...
I'm at work and my eyes are burning from all the tears... I really think sometimes it is my fault and I should have been there when he slipped...
I told him is is a junkie and picks the junk instead of me. I told him he is going to die very soon from this, and for that I will spit on his grave.
I am in a bad place and I ask for help.
I was not feeling well at work so I asked my ABF to come and get me. I waited over two hours for what should have been a 30 minute subway ride... (The phones don't work in subways so I had no way of knowing if he was on his way or something happened.)
I come home to see him passed out on the floor with a needle. I told him to get out. I did not expalin why, I just wanted him to get out of the door so I could lock it. I don't think he really understood what happened at the time, but later on he did...
He says that I caused him to do heroin, becasue I don't love him and I never did. I don't support him, and when he slips, I never forgive him. When he slips I kick him out, I don't care if it's raining, snow, night or day, when he uses, he is out...
I looked around to see what was missing, ALL my jewelry again. He says that I am crazy and must have bipolar becuase he did not take it. He said that I must have hid it in a place I forgot. (I know where I put my things)... I give up, I use to have nice things, they are all gone.. I might as well be a junkie myself, becuase I sure look like one.
I gained fifteen pounds and he said that I really let myself go... For the past couple of months we did not have sex, because I was not ready to just give in like that again... He said he could not even touch me becuase I have let myslef go.... I'm 5' 8" and 160lbs, so I'm not THAT fat, just need to get this little bit off... and I always try to look nice.
What hurts the most is that he said I never loved him and never supported him... and that the reason he did the heroin was because he does not feel loved by me...
I'm at work and my eyes are burning from all the tears... I really think sometimes it is my fault and I should have been there when he slipped...
I told him is is a junkie and picks the junk instead of me. I told him he is going to die very soon from this, and for that I will spit on his grave.
I am in a bad place and I ask for help.
Husband is a Heroin addict
Hi guys my heart is breaking. My husband for the last year has been on heroin. He was sober for six years and his wonderful mother got him started on it again, she's his running partner. I feel so alone and lost I havent had a husband for months all he soes is lie and pick fights with me and then disappears for hours. He was arrested for it and has a court date coming up and secretlt I'm hoping he does time this way he cant run from treatment anymore. Every day since I bonded him out "I'm going into treatment" "tommarrow" " I messed up but I dont want to lose you or our son" "I dont want this life" but he does the same crap everyday the same excuses not to go into treatment. I keep calling but he hasn't went home yet no answer. I worry so much about him. He is probably with his crappy mother she is a junkie and will put her son in the grave next to her she doesnt care she laughs at his problem, and acts like he isn't sick, that kills me as a mother I could never act that way towards my son or want to do him any harm like that. I lay in bed next to him and have him touch me and i feel dirty because I feel like a stranger is touching me not the man I love and married. I'm leaving him tonight after him not showing up and taking off on his brother who was visiting(he is mentally diabled and in dss care from their mother) he finally gets to visit his brother and his brother takes off on him to shoot up. He ignores our beautiful baby boy hes a 1yr and 4months and doesnt even pay him attention. Since he was born my husband was there and just this last year getting addicted he ignores him. He was a wonderful husband and father. That man is gone and now so I'm I, he obviously loves the dope more than his son and I. I will be there for him but from a safe distance because I need to be there for my son and me being emotionally drained off of him I have none for my son, but no more he is not bringing me down with him anymore, nor our baby boy and when he decides to clean up he can come around and see if we want anything to do with him since he abandoned us for too long. I love him and want him back but he's to far gone, I cry and cry and beg and beg and it does no good.Maybe losing us will be his down fall into getting into recovery and staying
Please, please give me strength
Yesterday I spent six hours with my son because we went to the physician for Suboxone treatment.
He was up and ready for me at 7:30 am, I could see he tried to look good for me, he was shaven and his shirt was not wrinkled. He is usually showered, anyway. I nag at him about when he looks unkempt.
We chatted on the hour and a half trip. My thoughts often turned to what I could not continue to do for him but I held them. I wanted this peaceful time with him. I have missed him so.
I tried not to complain because he dropped the F bomb so often. I was not completely successful.
He filled out his paperwork. I watched him as discreetly as I could. My thoughts were so out of control. I saw my boy. He was a very handsome, smart young man. I realize that was only three years ago and the changes that have occurred while I have been so distressed with him over the last three years. I start to look at him and think about what he will look like dead. I try so hard to stop myself but I keep seeing it. It is not really describable.
We wait the time away after he gets his first dose. We have to stay 30 minutes. He complains of he taste. He spits in the garbage. He puts his feet on the doctor's desk. I nag at him. I want to shake him. I am embarassed.
We drive home. I want to know how he feels. He tells me I am stupid. He tells me that he is a junkie and knows more about drugs than I probably do ( I am a nurse). He tells me he hates himself.
We are out of town and he wants to stop and pee on the side of the road. He barely goes into the woods. I am so frustrated!
I tell him that I hope he can use this drug to make his life start again. He tells me he really has no reason to get up in the morning. His children have been taken away. He wakes up every day to remember that, surrounded by their things, knowing everyone hates him and the only way to feel better is to get totally f****** up and lay at his house and watch the TV so he can't think about anything. And then he is angry because he wakes up again the next day. He says he would not be unhappy not to wake up anymore.
He wants to know if I am going to give him a few dollars. I just look at him like he's lost his mind. He says, It's just so hard not to ever have a dollar in my pocket and besides I am obviously not going to spend it on drugs now. I just look at him like he has lost his mind.
I feel like I am seeing him waste away from a self imposed terminal illness. Nothing I can do. Days I want to not see him again. Days I fear what I will hear. And now that vision of his dead face I can't completely clear from some nonerasable recess in my head.
No amount of counseling is helping me through this part. I pray. I keep busy. I remind myself that I am grateful his children are with us and that we have a wonderful family, I am trying to accept this and I don't know how to get it accomplished.
Is this going to break me in some way? Arrrggghhh.
He was up and ready for me at 7:30 am, I could see he tried to look good for me, he was shaven and his shirt was not wrinkled. He is usually showered, anyway. I nag at him about when he looks unkempt.
We chatted on the hour and a half trip. My thoughts often turned to what I could not continue to do for him but I held them. I wanted this peaceful time with him. I have missed him so.
I tried not to complain because he dropped the F bomb so often. I was not completely successful.
He filled out his paperwork. I watched him as discreetly as I could. My thoughts were so out of control. I saw my boy. He was a very handsome, smart young man. I realize that was only three years ago and the changes that have occurred while I have been so distressed with him over the last three years. I start to look at him and think about what he will look like dead. I try so hard to stop myself but I keep seeing it. It is not really describable.
We wait the time away after he gets his first dose. We have to stay 30 minutes. He complains of he taste. He spits in the garbage. He puts his feet on the doctor's desk. I nag at him. I want to shake him. I am embarassed.
We drive home. I want to know how he feels. He tells me I am stupid. He tells me that he is a junkie and knows more about drugs than I probably do ( I am a nurse). He tells me he hates himself.
We are out of town and he wants to stop and pee on the side of the road. He barely goes into the woods. I am so frustrated!
I tell him that I hope he can use this drug to make his life start again. He tells me he really has no reason to get up in the morning. His children have been taken away. He wakes up every day to remember that, surrounded by their things, knowing everyone hates him and the only way to feel better is to get totally f****** up and lay at his house and watch the TV so he can't think about anything. And then he is angry because he wakes up again the next day. He says he would not be unhappy not to wake up anymore.
He wants to know if I am going to give him a few dollars. I just look at him like he's lost his mind. He says, It's just so hard not to ever have a dollar in my pocket and besides I am obviously not going to spend it on drugs now. I just look at him like he has lost his mind.
I feel like I am seeing him waste away from a self imposed terminal illness. Nothing I can do. Days I want to not see him again. Days I fear what I will hear. And now that vision of his dead face I can't completely clear from some nonerasable recess in my head.
No amount of counseling is helping me through this part. I pray. I keep busy. I remind myself that I am grateful his children are with us and that we have a wonderful family, I am trying to accept this and I don't know how to get it accomplished.
Is this going to break me in some way? Arrrggghhh.
Drinking the poison myself, then hoping he dies.
HIP HIP HOORAY.
I've just returned from the 5 day family visit at my son's rehab.
My son is present, progressing in recovery, committed to moving forward, etc.
He has been doing community service and has even discovered a talent for art and working with horses.
He's been selected to go to the rehab's 3rd phase in another state which gives him more independence.
For the first time, my son is one of the ones doing his best.
He had a few opportunities for relapse in the last couple of mos.,
but he declined and called his sponsor instead.
For the first time I am hopeful and excited that he can develop goals for living beyond being a junkie.
As for myself, I need to work on giving up the resentment I have for his dad who is my Ex. He has come to both family weeks, but does not contribute a penny toward the expenses. The family therapy dredges up the memories of the abusive creep he was during the all the yrs. my son was growing up. We split up when my son was only 2 and the Ex was horrible all the remaining yrs.
My son told me when we hold resentments we drink the poison hoping the other person will die. Maybe I will do some 4th step work on resentments,
keeping my focus on what I need to do for my own recovery.
Does anyone have experience with letting go of resentments ??
I've just returned from the 5 day family visit at my son's rehab.
My son is present, progressing in recovery, committed to moving forward, etc.
He has been doing community service and has even discovered a talent for art and working with horses.
He's been selected to go to the rehab's 3rd phase in another state which gives him more independence.
For the first time, my son is one of the ones doing his best.
He had a few opportunities for relapse in the last couple of mos.,
but he declined and called his sponsor instead.
For the first time I am hopeful and excited that he can develop goals for living beyond being a junkie.
As for myself, I need to work on giving up the resentment I have for his dad who is my Ex. He has come to both family weeks, but does not contribute a penny toward the expenses. The family therapy dredges up the memories of the abusive creep he was during the all the yrs. my son was growing up. We split up when my son was only 2 and the Ex was horrible all the remaining yrs.
My son told me when we hold resentments we drink the poison hoping the other person will die. Maybe I will do some 4th step work on resentments,
keeping my focus on what I need to do for my own recovery.
Does anyone have experience with letting go of resentments ??
