Archive for the ‘Justification’ tag
~In Honour Of Indigo~ from Nix (LONG POST- prewarned!):Xmaspstar
The promises come to mind...
"we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"
Just returned from a meeting at a women's recovery center. I am so very grateful that others held me up and encouraged me to keep on trudging on this path.
I remember the fear, misery, and self loathing and all those other yukky feelings of early recovery as I look at and listen to the women there.
I recognize the rebel I was.
I recognize the old friends of justification, rationalization, and denial.
Those things I see in the women there are familiar
..and while I see them I get to another level of willingness, acceptance and gratitude;
but also a strong sence of hope that all those still suffering will see in each of us there is a way out...
there is a solution and there is a life worth living in recovery.
We share our ESH willingly and freely.
The willingness is something we can not give the newbies.
The willingness must come from the deep recesses of our being. I hope and I pray they each find that willingness within themselves
I was sleepily browsing & reading as i often will when i have trouble easing into to sleep & my mind is unable to be quietened,
in a thread that i cannot now place at this moment ,
i found the above post by Indigo
As i read through what she quietly & lovingly put down in spiritual light, i could not help but to admire an be amazingly inspired by the humbleness of this fellow member.
I know, from recieving awesome support & encouragement here @ SRthat it does wonderfull things to my inner being when that encouragement & recognition comes forth...
As addict/Alcoholics whichever your vice may have been, we tend to steer clear of the spotlight or be dramatically in the spotlight & i have noticed that you, Indigo seem to be a soul who journeys away from that, humbly, lovingly, peacefully posting the precious words that you do & from deep within you.
I do not know excactly how clean & sober you are, nor how long you have been a member of what im seeing clearly now to be "The SR Family", I do know this though...
when i first came across posts by you, i instantly was intrigued to read them because of the precious picture associated to your name.
represented to me a shy, quiet, gracious woman with offerings that may be meaningfull an deep.
The woman pictured, stripped of all, though the real inner light remained.
I just wish to say to you...Thankyou
You do so much for me inside, i feel like i glow when i read the pieces you post, you are a constant in my learning & you are a fine example of women supporting women.
w supporting w has always been a hard one on my recovery journey over 14years,
i seem to be judging of women, i know this is due to my mothering issue & my sibling issues with my sister, yet when i read & take in the things you feel & express, i do not feel that judgment rise up inside me, blocking me, stunting me.
very few females have this affect upon me i can assure you, there are 2 or 3 here on SR,1 or 2 in NA& my beautifull sponsor that im finding im moving beyond that fear with, in reading, hearing & listening to what they are saying.
Im not sure why im posting this, except for i feel that it is invaluable to express what im truly feeling to the people that aid me in feeling such a freeing feeling & the support the women give to each other is simply awesome & i wish to recognise it.
"we will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it"
Just returned from a meeting at a women's recovery center. I am so very grateful that others held me up and encouraged me to keep on trudging on this path.
I remember the fear, misery, and self loathing and all those other yukky feelings of early recovery as I look at and listen to the women there.
I recognize the rebel I was.
I recognize the old friends of justification, rationalization, and denial.
Those things I see in the women there are familiar
..and while I see them I get to another level of willingness, acceptance and gratitude;
but also a strong sence of hope that all those still suffering will see in each of us there is a way out...
there is a solution and there is a life worth living in recovery.
We share our ESH willingly and freely.
The willingness is something we can not give the newbies.
The willingness must come from the deep recesses of our being. I hope and I pray they each find that willingness within themselves
I was sleepily browsing & reading as i often will when i have trouble easing into to sleep & my mind is unable to be quietened,
in a thread that i cannot now place at this moment ,
i found the above post by Indigo
As i read through what she quietly & lovingly put down in spiritual light, i could not help but to admire an be amazingly inspired by the humbleness of this fellow member.
I know, from recieving awesome support & encouragement here @ SRthat it does wonderfull things to my inner being when that encouragement & recognition comes forth...
As addict/Alcoholics whichever your vice may have been, we tend to steer clear of the spotlight or be dramatically in the spotlight & i have noticed that you, Indigo seem to be a soul who journeys away from that, humbly, lovingly, peacefully posting the precious words that you do & from deep within you.
I do not know excactly how clean & sober you are, nor how long you have been a member of what im seeing clearly now to be "The SR Family", I do know this though...
when i first came across posts by you, i instantly was intrigued to read them because of the precious picture associated to your name.
represented to me a shy, quiet, gracious woman with offerings that may be meaningfull an deep.
The woman pictured, stripped of all, though the real inner light remained.
I just wish to say to you...Thankyou
You do so much for me inside, i feel like i glow when i read the pieces you post, you are a constant in my learning & you are a fine example of women supporting women.
w supporting w has always been a hard one on my recovery journey over 14years,
i seem to be judging of women, i know this is due to my mothering issue & my sibling issues with my sister, yet when i read & take in the things you feel & express, i do not feel that judgment rise up inside me, blocking me, stunting me.
very few females have this affect upon me i can assure you, there are 2 or 3 here on SR,1 or 2 in NA& my beautifull sponsor that im finding im moving beyond that fear with, in reading, hearing & listening to what they are saying.
Im not sure why im posting this, except for i feel that it is invaluable to express what im truly feeling to the people that aid me in feeling such a freeing feeling & the support the women give to each other is simply awesome & i wish to recognise it.
Insanely Insufficient
"In some circumstances we have gone out deliberately to get drunk, feeling ourselves justified by nervousness, anger, worry, depression, jealousy or the like. But even in this type of beginning we are obliged to admit that our justification for a spree was insanely insufficient in the light of what always happened. We now see that when we began to drink deliberately, instead of casually, there was little serious or effective thought during the period of premeditation, of what the terrific consequences might be."
A poem “Codependency” by me, dedicated to all of you!
Looking back you ask yourself, why did I wait? From here, there looks like it was an insane place to set up camp but you don't know that until you make the change you're fearing. It's like walking around with 100 pounds of rocks on your back and never setting it down because you have an irrational fear of never being able to find another 100 pounds of rocks. Once you do you can't decide if you're proud of yourself for finally doing it or disappointed it took so long.
Really, what do we fear in letting go? If you are willing to accept less than you're worth you can find anybody to give that to you. I don't know why we wait, I don't know why it clicks but when it does boy does it ever.
When you're doing the healthy thing it starts to come naturally and you need little validation or affirmation. When you aren't making healthy choices you're no longer seeking validation or affirmation but justification.
I learned codependency from my mother, she learned it from hers and I'm guessing she from hers. It comes tuition free if you don't count a healthy relationship a cost.
This poem is made possible by my grandma, mother and ex-wife but dedicated to everybody that is pulling themselves out of their dark past to search for a healthy future.
"Codependency"
I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.
Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place on my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of loved that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.
Really, what do we fear in letting go? If you are willing to accept less than you're worth you can find anybody to give that to you. I don't know why we wait, I don't know why it clicks but when it does boy does it ever.
When you're doing the healthy thing it starts to come naturally and you need little validation or affirmation. When you aren't making healthy choices you're no longer seeking validation or affirmation but justification.
I learned codependency from my mother, she learned it from hers and I'm guessing she from hers. It comes tuition free if you don't count a healthy relationship a cost.
This poem is made possible by my grandma, mother and ex-wife but dedicated to everybody that is pulling themselves out of their dark past to search for a healthy future.
"Codependency"
I miss the disfunction, the rush, the adrenaline...the codependency that has you convinced the more you hurt the deeper you love. I'm moving forward so fast that I can't look back without crashing but I want just one more hit. I want to feel it again, alive, I want to feel alive again. Those fights were amazing, upset stomach, blood in my spit from from the emotions pouring out of my mouth. I wanna feel it suck me in, I want to be right in the middle of another battle were the only soldiers lost are the future years of a healthy relationship. Now healthy just feels so normal, nothing, flat. How could it ever compare? Am I ruined for life because of this? Yes, of course there was fire in bed, with that much fuel, so much anger of course there was a fire and it was huge and out of control. Love can pass itself off as so many things, love can convince you of so much, blind you and take over every single ounce of your true you. There was a day I looked at you and wanted to consume you, this isn't a figurative statement, I wanted...to consume you. Just take a bite of you so you were always there. I felt like I couldn't function without you, without us, without me taking care of you. Us gives me focus, purpose, a reason to live and it was all love, I swear it was all done out of love. There was no insecurity, there was no manipulation, no wanting to control you, own you or anything else it was all love! It was love and I won't accept anything else as the cause.
Now I'm in the clear, in a clear head, clean body, fresh mind, lifted spirits and nothing to cloud my judgement. I lived, I survived the hardest choice I've ever had to make in my life. The world didn't end and you are a better person today without my foot on your neck. I was so scared to have things change, so scared I would have done whatever I could to prevent it. It was all done out of love my ass, it was all born from the darkest, ugliest most insecure place on my being. I have shined the brightest light I could find on that place so that mistake is learned from and never repeated. I don't know this world, I don't know it's people. I know me and couldn't venture a guess at why seeing the light for some is sadly a 100 year lesson. I'm thankful it wasn't for me, I'm thankful for you and for our children. We can all get out of this shadow and I hope grow, apart, together, whatever but grow. For my roll I'm sorry, it was the idea of loved that put us in this spot but it was true love that got us out of it. To any outsider, it wouldn't be seen that way but it's what's in my heart that counts. Sometimes loving means being willing to walk away.
newbie looking for support
Hi everyone
I am so appreciative to find this forum. When I looked at the different threads it was difficult to decide on which one to write as my situation is complex. My boyfriend of three years is an active alcoholic. I have refused to move in with him because his life is so chaotic. He is suffering from PTSD from his years as a police officer and although he uses his condition as a justification for his drinking he has never sought help for either problem.
To add to this his 20 year old daughter has a severe drug addiction. She has recently been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder and polysubstance abuse. She has 11 indictable charges she is facing in court and her father and mother have both historically rescued her from the consequences of her actions. She had been sent to a forensic psychiatric hospital for a 30 day evaluation and spent the majority of her time in isolation. She was then transported back to jail and spent a week there until her parents could arrange a hearing in court where they both got on the stand to testify that she should be released into her father's care until she goes to a long term rehab facitlity.
That was 10 days ago. It has been an unimaginable 10 days. She lasted 2 days with saying how grateful she was to be out of jail thanking her father over and over again. On day 3 she was back to her drug behavior of lying, manipulating, demanding, and testing the boundaries of her court ordered release conditions. The more she acts out the more my b/f drinks. She exhausts him on purpose because she knows he will eventually go to his lazyboy and pass out....leaving her to do whatever for an hour or so.
She is currently on methadone and is being tapered quickly in order to go to rehab and the doctor has prescribed anxiety and sleep medication. She has already cheeked her medication and later snorted it in her room. She has taken off on a dirt bike for an hour. Yesterday her mother forgot her medication on the kitchen table and now there are 17 pills missing. She states to her father that she wants to be with him and not her mother because she "finds it more peaceful with him". The reason is because he is intoxicated and lives in denial until it's too obvious to deny regarding her behavior and drug use. She can get as high as she wants while with him.
I no longer go to his home when she is there as she has threatened to kill me in the past and lies about me to others....that I have pushed her and raged at her for no reason. She wants me out of her father's life because she is unable to manipulate me and she views everyone in her life as tools to get what she wants. Her lawyer described her as the worst spoiled brat he has ever met in his career of 30 years.
There is so much more to say but for now this is all the time I will allow myself to use in focusing on the two of them. I am learning perhaps slowly to allow myself to focus on me instead of this crazy situation but any words of advise will be greatly appreciated....geez just writing those words just now has made me so emotional....
Thanks to all and God Bless you...
SM
I am so appreciative to find this forum. When I looked at the different threads it was difficult to decide on which one to write as my situation is complex. My boyfriend of three years is an active alcoholic. I have refused to move in with him because his life is so chaotic. He is suffering from PTSD from his years as a police officer and although he uses his condition as a justification for his drinking he has never sought help for either problem.
To add to this his 20 year old daughter has a severe drug addiction. She has recently been diagnosed with anti social personality disorder and polysubstance abuse. She has 11 indictable charges she is facing in court and her father and mother have both historically rescued her from the consequences of her actions. She had been sent to a forensic psychiatric hospital for a 30 day evaluation and spent the majority of her time in isolation. She was then transported back to jail and spent a week there until her parents could arrange a hearing in court where they both got on the stand to testify that she should be released into her father's care until she goes to a long term rehab facitlity.
That was 10 days ago. It has been an unimaginable 10 days. She lasted 2 days with saying how grateful she was to be out of jail thanking her father over and over again. On day 3 she was back to her drug behavior of lying, manipulating, demanding, and testing the boundaries of her court ordered release conditions. The more she acts out the more my b/f drinks. She exhausts him on purpose because she knows he will eventually go to his lazyboy and pass out....leaving her to do whatever for an hour or so.
She is currently on methadone and is being tapered quickly in order to go to rehab and the doctor has prescribed anxiety and sleep medication. She has already cheeked her medication and later snorted it in her room. She has taken off on a dirt bike for an hour. Yesterday her mother forgot her medication on the kitchen table and now there are 17 pills missing. She states to her father that she wants to be with him and not her mother because she "finds it more peaceful with him". The reason is because he is intoxicated and lives in denial until it's too obvious to deny regarding her behavior and drug use. She can get as high as she wants while with him.
I no longer go to his home when she is there as she has threatened to kill me in the past and lies about me to others....that I have pushed her and raged at her for no reason. She wants me out of her father's life because she is unable to manipulate me and she views everyone in her life as tools to get what she wants. Her lawyer described her as the worst spoiled brat he has ever met in his career of 30 years.
There is so much more to say but for now this is all the time I will allow myself to use in focusing on the two of them. I am learning perhaps slowly to allow myself to focus on me instead of this crazy situation but any words of advise will be greatly appreciated....geez just writing those words just now has made me so emotional....
Thanks to all and God Bless you...
SM
So we started counseling today…
and AH walked out. He told the counselor that he had stayed sober for a year but that I hadn't changed the fact that my house is a mess. The counselor asked him if that was supposed to be justification for his drinking and he basically just got up and walked out. All the counselor said was that it was apparent that he doesnt want to address his addiction issues. I also told the counselor in front of him that I am adament that he will not keep the kids while he is drinking. It didn't sit well but Im standing my ground. AH said that he is worried about the kids and all but he has basically become a part time dad. It is supposedly to stressful for him to watch the kids here. The counselor asked why he didn't take the kids to a park or someplace AH was like well I cant live with them in a park.
I did have a moment during the appointment where I busted out in tears and told AH that I f*%#% hated him. I don't really hate him, but at the same time I'm so tired of the things that he does and says. After he left the counselor and I talked for a while longer. I am really excited to work with him annd get some of my issues figured out. It feels so freeing to be able to finally deal with the emotions and stuff that I have developed over the last decade with him and to finally figure out some of my interests that I had long forgotten about.
I did have a moment during the appointment where I busted out in tears and told AH that I f*%#% hated him. I don't really hate him, but at the same time I'm so tired of the things that he does and says. After he left the counselor and I talked for a while longer. I am really excited to work with him annd get some of my issues figured out. It feels so freeing to be able to finally deal with the emotions and stuff that I have developed over the last decade with him and to finally figure out some of my interests that I had long forgotten about.
