Archive for the ‘Kiss’ tag
trying to hang on…..
As you all know, I'm on the verge of kicking out my abf- have been trying to 'detatch' and we have all talked about that.
With that being said, I have been doing realitvly well, basically ignoring his behavior, and setting my boundries.
One of my boundries, is to not allow his addiction to directly impact MY life and happiness- this is where things are getting sticky for me.
Any help you can offer will be helpful.
This a.m.... he must be out of his pills. I've suffered through 2 sleepless nights, because he must be experiencing some affects of the pills- he is exhibiting sleep apnea- (LOUD snoring- with no breaths for 10 sec. in between) It's keeping me up.
Night sweats, with him wakeing me saying his heart is 'freaking out'..... but refuses to go to the doc/or hospital.
He sleeps much later than he used to- now I get ready for work and am out of the house before he is up. (we used to get up together, I'd make coffee- while he showered... blaba bla.)
With the recent shift in his behavior, I get up by myself- and get ready etc.
TODAY- here is the part I need help with (but wanted u to know the background) I got up - was in the bathroom- when he yelled from the bed "YOU ARE HOGGING THE BATHROOM- EVERY DAY - I HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU... WHILE YOU GET READY FOR ALL THE GUYS YOU WORK WITH- THIS IS F***** RIDICIOULOUS!!!!!!!!!"
I told him to kiss my ***!! And left for work.
I tried calling him, and when he finally returned my calls- I told him I refused to walk on eggshells with him anylonger. He actually attempted to justify saying what he said.- I tried to cut him off and tell him that his health is suffering- and his moods are out of control, and I wasn't going to allow a man in my life to talk to me like that.
I told him that this is a direct result of his addiction- and It wasn't fair to have me be the brunt of his moodiness.....
He just kept cutting me off- telling me that HE walks on eggshells, that he wanted to get in the bathroom - that I take too long, that I told him to kiss my *** and had no right to say that.....
I can't talk to him.
Talking dosen't work.
I tried not to go round and round with him-
But trying to enforce my boundries of refuseing to be talked to like that - caused me to have a discussion that went NOWHERE!!!!!
What do I do?? I don't know where to turn. I leave these conversations trying to figure out how I could have handled it differently.
I was attempting to not tell him to LEAVE- because he always says I just 'throw him out' like it's nothing.....
I feel so stuck. I can't talk about anything with him- (unless he's high- and in a good mood) Ignoring it - isn't working- because I have to live day to day with dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. I don't feel comfortable asking him to just LEAVE, I'm not comfortable having him there- and dealing with all of the above constantly......
Please, any insight?? I'm frightend, scared, sad, angry, bitter, resentful, and sad sad sad.... all wrapped up in one. I am back to questioning MYSELF- I don't understand why my brain is playing tricks on me.
I'm assuming it's because I'm still trying to find a shred of evidence that it's worth hanging on.....
Thankyou all for listening to me again. I feel like a burden- I'm grateful for your patience with me - while I walk through this very long, hurtful process.
Love
Cessy
With that being said, I have been doing realitvly well, basically ignoring his behavior, and setting my boundries.
One of my boundries, is to not allow his addiction to directly impact MY life and happiness- this is where things are getting sticky for me.
Any help you can offer will be helpful.
This a.m.... he must be out of his pills. I've suffered through 2 sleepless nights, because he must be experiencing some affects of the pills- he is exhibiting sleep apnea- (LOUD snoring- with no breaths for 10 sec. in between) It's keeping me up.
Night sweats, with him wakeing me saying his heart is 'freaking out'..... but refuses to go to the doc/or hospital.
He sleeps much later than he used to- now I get ready for work and am out of the house before he is up. (we used to get up together, I'd make coffee- while he showered... blaba bla.)
With the recent shift in his behavior, I get up by myself- and get ready etc.
TODAY- here is the part I need help with (but wanted u to know the background) I got up - was in the bathroom- when he yelled from the bed "YOU ARE HOGGING THE BATHROOM- EVERY DAY - I HAVE TO WAIT FOR YOU... WHILE YOU GET READY FOR ALL THE GUYS YOU WORK WITH- THIS IS F***** RIDICIOULOUS!!!!!!!!!"
I told him to kiss my ***!! And left for work.
I tried calling him, and when he finally returned my calls- I told him I refused to walk on eggshells with him anylonger. He actually attempted to justify saying what he said.- I tried to cut him off and tell him that his health is suffering- and his moods are out of control, and I wasn't going to allow a man in my life to talk to me like that.
I told him that this is a direct result of his addiction- and It wasn't fair to have me be the brunt of his moodiness.....
He just kept cutting me off- telling me that HE walks on eggshells, that he wanted to get in the bathroom - that I take too long, that I told him to kiss my *** and had no right to say that.....
I can't talk to him.
Talking dosen't work.
I tried not to go round and round with him-
But trying to enforce my boundries of refuseing to be talked to like that - caused me to have a discussion that went NOWHERE!!!!!
What do I do?? I don't know where to turn. I leave these conversations trying to figure out how I could have handled it differently.
I was attempting to not tell him to LEAVE- because he always says I just 'throw him out' like it's nothing.....
I feel so stuck. I can't talk about anything with him- (unless he's high- and in a good mood) Ignoring it - isn't working- because I have to live day to day with dr. jeckyl and mr. hyde. I don't feel comfortable asking him to just LEAVE, I'm not comfortable having him there- and dealing with all of the above constantly......
Please, any insight?? I'm frightend, scared, sad, angry, bitter, resentful, and sad sad sad.... all wrapped up in one. I am back to questioning MYSELF- I don't understand why my brain is playing tricks on me.
I'm assuming it's because I'm still trying to find a shred of evidence that it's worth hanging on.....
Thankyou all for listening to me again. I feel like a burden- I'm grateful for your patience with me - while I walk through this very long, hurtful process.
Love
Cessy
Need advice on how to leave my AH
I dont' know how to do it! I have decided that I want to get out of this marriage. I have seen a lawyer, she and I discussed how to go about it...but how do I get the nerve to tell him? Should I just sit him down and say I'm going to stay with my mother?
I have two little children. Where should they be when I tell him? He should be able to kiss them goodbye when I leave, right?
Most important, how am I going to handle his outrage and anger and pleading for me to stay. I know he won't want this, and in the past he's told me he'll do anything it takes. But he never stuck to that "anything" and we're right back to where we were. I just don't know how I'll get the nerve to leave.
I have two little children. Where should they be when I tell him? He should be able to kiss them goodbye when I leave, right?
Most important, how am I going to handle his outrage and anger and pleading for me to stay. I know he won't want this, and in the past he's told me he'll do anything it takes. But he never stuck to that "anything" and we're right back to where we were. I just don't know how I'll get the nerve to leave.
I feel like I’m mourning a lover
I am on day 7 and now the emotions are going wild. I've cried more than I've cried in a year. I am listening to the jeff buckley song "lover you should've come over" over and over and the lyrics:
my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come
it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smile when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong
oh lover you should've come over
well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
That honestly is how I feel about an inanimate object...I miss it so much despite the hell I'm going through right now, just like any break up with someone you were in love with. I've only been in love once but heroin's a close second... so sad so sad. I miss it so much I can't live with it and I don't know if I can live without it. I know I'm not thinking straight right now because my brain chemistry is so effed up, but I just don't know if I can do this. Life is so beautiful I just don't see it anymore. I feel like heroin has stolen my passion for everything I used to love, like music, singing, guitar, nature, PEOPLE. I don't know real love anymore.
my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come
it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smile when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever
well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong
oh lover you should've come over
well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over
That honestly is how I feel about an inanimate object...I miss it so much despite the hell I'm going through right now, just like any break up with someone you were in love with. I've only been in love once but heroin's a close second... so sad so sad. I miss it so much I can't live with it and I don't know if I can live without it. I know I'm not thinking straight right now because my brain chemistry is so effed up, but I just don't know if I can do this. Life is so beautiful I just don't see it anymore. I feel like heroin has stolen my passion for everything I used to love, like music, singing, guitar, nature, PEOPLE. I don't know real love anymore.
Need clarity on being with a former drug abuser…
Hello, I love this website! I have found so much support here. This is my first post I joined because I was in a relationship with a recovering addict.
We ended several months ago and I am really struggling with certain behaviors I saw and experienced and thought maybe someone who had had substance abuse issues could help me understand alittle more???
Little history: I was 27 when I met him and he was 31. He was clean almost two years (after a 6 month rehab) when I met him. He had a dog (I guess that is part of the recovery he said).
He was a drug addict for 9 years. He was hardcore on Prescription meds. He had taken everything under that sun, but mainly stuck to Rx. In his early 20's was on steroids for a short period of time.
I have had several relationships before my ex and have NEVER had anywhere near the conflict and difficulty in communication than I had with him.
This was the first engagement for both of us. So many things seemed perfect in the beginning, which is unlike me because I am a realist and tend to be guarded.
He talked openly about his addiction and had me watch intervention shows on TV so I could get a picture of who he was and would cry and seemed to really want me to be part of this intimate part of his past. I am very accepting by nature and encouraging others comes naturally for me, so I was honored that he would share this with me.
Now that everything is over I am having a hard time understanding certain traits he had and really want to put all of this to rest and stop blaming myself thinking I COULD HAVE CHANGED SOMETHING!!!
CONCERN #1 - HIS LACK OF DESIRE SEXUALLY/AFFECTION/CONNECTION.
At first (first couple months) my Ex couldn't keep his hands off of me, but then weeks would go by with a kiss here and there for hello and goodby. We were together a lot so I never thought he was cheating. I didn't want him touching me 24/7 but as a woman I wanted to feel desirable by him more than strangers. I would get more attention from men I didn't know then from him. I would often have other guys approach me thinking I was single and ask me out or flirt. Then I would be with my Ex and I would rarely get a look when I would come in from work, maybe a glance. I would mention to him I would like for him to hold my hand when we were out, to not always take off and walk in front of me but most of the time walk beside me,hug me back when I hug him instead of stand there like a statue. I never gave him a reason to be jealous, loyalty is important to me.
He said he was very attracted to me and proud to have me next to him because he thought I was beautiful.
Why then the lack of interest??????
I found out he has very low testosterone. Was getting treatment-gel stuff-that I thought started working great but then he stopped it because he said it caused his arms to break out and gain weight. Both of these were not even noticeable, in fact I thought he was looking better and he had more energy, he had energy to work out etc. When he quit this, he didn't find another alternative. He knew that being initimate and affectionate was important to me but I guess he didn't care because he didn't check out any other solutions. After bringing this up a couple times I dropped it and so did he. I hate being nagged and didn't want to nag him. So we were back to him going to bed early and tired alot.
CONCERN #2 - SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS ON HIS TERMS.
He would be sexual but when he wanted it. The times I initiated he was too tired, felt sick, his stomach hurt, his boss was a jerk that day (like everyday), etc. I stopped initiating. One time he had the nerve (when I was crying because I felt insecure by his lack of interest) to tell me that other girlfriends he had, had initiated more! I reminded him I have initiated many times to no avail. Of course like most times I made a point that was true and he was in the corner the subject would change or ended or would turn the tables somehow.
CONCERN #3- ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH TV.
I felt like I was on a wait list for his attention which was glued increasingly to the TV. Eating out became a rare event, mostly take in. No real conversation. But he wanted me with him, wanted me to move in. I wouldn't, wanted to be married first. Only places we went was to church, our church home group, and some volunteer church things.
I thought maybe he was on drugs again?
Was he getting his needs met elsewhere (porn)? I never saw porn and or suspected another woman -his phone rarely ever rung, if it did it was his parents. He didn't hang out with anyone but me.
I didn't find any pill bottles except his suboxone and then the last few months we were together the Dr. put him on an antidepressant and Xanax-because he hated his job so much (this was his 7th job in 8 years?) that he would throw up from stress. He said his bosses were out to get him so 5 months before our wedding he quit because he said they were going to eventually fire him anyway!!??!! He didn't have a job lined up.
During pre-marital counseling it became clearer than ever that we were not ready to get married in a few months. There were major road blocks to communication. It was like he had a filter that took what I said as rejection. The counselor and I would look at each other because what I said and what my ex heard were worlds apart. The counselor would gently repeat what I said and explain. After 4 session the counselor refused to see us together. He said we need to resolve some things individually first and hold off on the wedding.
I agreed and wanted to postpone the wedding so that we could build a healthier foundation, mutual friends were relieved to hear this and had noticed for awhile the lack of respect and affection he showed me.
He seemed so adament that I was the one, yet he was unaffectionate, depressed all the time, and just flat out seemed miserable. He told me he felt like I wasn't giving as much to the relationship as he was putting in!!??!!?? I was the one going and paying for individual counseling regularly and on top of that he wanted me to start Alanon to understand him better. He wasn't even going to NA or AA meetings or anything and hadn't the whole time I knew him.
On top of this, he admitted that 90%of the problems in the relationship were his fault, he told my parents this and the pastor. He admitted several times that he wasn't very loving towards me and brought his bad attitude from work home and needed to show me more respect. He said this is all changed now and he won't ever treat me like this again. I knew that behavior's like this cannot change in a second. No matter how wrong he said he was he was irate at the thought of postponing the wedding after all his family had done for us (they had bought us a few early wedding gifts (Collectable ornament, comforter set, etc..) He cared more about his families feelings than mine?? He said that things would get better when we got married.
So there was no resolve, everything ended.
The crazy thing is he was so into getting married, had a ring made with heirloom diamonds, very into helping with the wedding, telling people about it, would get emotional when asking people to be in our wedding party. Believed I was his soul mate, was everything he prayed for right down to my profession! So I am BAFFLED how he could throw all that away because of holding off the wedding?
In my mind, if I admitted like he did how wrong he was and truly loved the person, I would do whatever it took.
Hurtfully he told me soon after we ended that "in his NEXT relationship he will be more loving and not bring work home."
Any insight into this at all???? I have net been in such a confusing misunderstood position before?
We ended several months ago and I am really struggling with certain behaviors I saw and experienced and thought maybe someone who had had substance abuse issues could help me understand alittle more???
Little history: I was 27 when I met him and he was 31. He was clean almost two years (after a 6 month rehab) when I met him. He had a dog (I guess that is part of the recovery he said).
He was a drug addict for 9 years. He was hardcore on Prescription meds. He had taken everything under that sun, but mainly stuck to Rx. In his early 20's was on steroids for a short period of time.
I have had several relationships before my ex and have NEVER had anywhere near the conflict and difficulty in communication than I had with him.
This was the first engagement for both of us. So many things seemed perfect in the beginning, which is unlike me because I am a realist and tend to be guarded.
He talked openly about his addiction and had me watch intervention shows on TV so I could get a picture of who he was and would cry and seemed to really want me to be part of this intimate part of his past. I am very accepting by nature and encouraging others comes naturally for me, so I was honored that he would share this with me.
Now that everything is over I am having a hard time understanding certain traits he had and really want to put all of this to rest and stop blaming myself thinking I COULD HAVE CHANGED SOMETHING!!!
CONCERN #1 - HIS LACK OF DESIRE SEXUALLY/AFFECTION/CONNECTION.
At first (first couple months) my Ex couldn't keep his hands off of me, but then weeks would go by with a kiss here and there for hello and goodby. We were together a lot so I never thought he was cheating. I didn't want him touching me 24/7 but as a woman I wanted to feel desirable by him more than strangers. I would get more attention from men I didn't know then from him. I would often have other guys approach me thinking I was single and ask me out or flirt. Then I would be with my Ex and I would rarely get a look when I would come in from work, maybe a glance. I would mention to him I would like for him to hold my hand when we were out, to not always take off and walk in front of me but most of the time walk beside me,hug me back when I hug him instead of stand there like a statue. I never gave him a reason to be jealous, loyalty is important to me.
He said he was very attracted to me and proud to have me next to him because he thought I was beautiful.
Why then the lack of interest??????
I found out he has very low testosterone. Was getting treatment-gel stuff-that I thought started working great but then he stopped it because he said it caused his arms to break out and gain weight. Both of these were not even noticeable, in fact I thought he was looking better and he had more energy, he had energy to work out etc. When he quit this, he didn't find another alternative. He knew that being initimate and affectionate was important to me but I guess he didn't care because he didn't check out any other solutions. After bringing this up a couple times I dropped it and so did he. I hate being nagged and didn't want to nag him. So we were back to him going to bed early and tired alot.
CONCERN #2 - SEEMED LIKE EVERYTHING WAS ON HIS TERMS.
He would be sexual but when he wanted it. The times I initiated he was too tired, felt sick, his stomach hurt, his boss was a jerk that day (like everyday), etc. I stopped initiating. One time he had the nerve (when I was crying because I felt insecure by his lack of interest) to tell me that other girlfriends he had, had initiated more! I reminded him I have initiated many times to no avail. Of course like most times I made a point that was true and he was in the corner the subject would change or ended or would turn the tables somehow.
CONCERN #3- ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS WATCH TV.
I felt like I was on a wait list for his attention which was glued increasingly to the TV. Eating out became a rare event, mostly take in. No real conversation. But he wanted me with him, wanted me to move in. I wouldn't, wanted to be married first. Only places we went was to church, our church home group, and some volunteer church things.
I thought maybe he was on drugs again?
Was he getting his needs met elsewhere (porn)? I never saw porn and or suspected another woman -his phone rarely ever rung, if it did it was his parents. He didn't hang out with anyone but me.
I didn't find any pill bottles except his suboxone and then the last few months we were together the Dr. put him on an antidepressant and Xanax-because he hated his job so much (this was his 7th job in 8 years?) that he would throw up from stress. He said his bosses were out to get him so 5 months before our wedding he quit because he said they were going to eventually fire him anyway!!??!! He didn't have a job lined up.
During pre-marital counseling it became clearer than ever that we were not ready to get married in a few months. There were major road blocks to communication. It was like he had a filter that took what I said as rejection. The counselor and I would look at each other because what I said and what my ex heard were worlds apart. The counselor would gently repeat what I said and explain. After 4 session the counselor refused to see us together. He said we need to resolve some things individually first and hold off on the wedding.
I agreed and wanted to postpone the wedding so that we could build a healthier foundation, mutual friends were relieved to hear this and had noticed for awhile the lack of respect and affection he showed me.
He seemed so adament that I was the one, yet he was unaffectionate, depressed all the time, and just flat out seemed miserable. He told me he felt like I wasn't giving as much to the relationship as he was putting in!!??!!?? I was the one going and paying for individual counseling regularly and on top of that he wanted me to start Alanon to understand him better. He wasn't even going to NA or AA meetings or anything and hadn't the whole time I knew him.
On top of this, he admitted that 90%of the problems in the relationship were his fault, he told my parents this and the pastor. He admitted several times that he wasn't very loving towards me and brought his bad attitude from work home and needed to show me more respect. He said this is all changed now and he won't ever treat me like this again. I knew that behavior's like this cannot change in a second. No matter how wrong he said he was he was irate at the thought of postponing the wedding after all his family had done for us (they had bought us a few early wedding gifts (Collectable ornament, comforter set, etc..) He cared more about his families feelings than mine?? He said that things would get better when we got married.
So there was no resolve, everything ended.
The crazy thing is he was so into getting married, had a ring made with heirloom diamonds, very into helping with the wedding, telling people about it, would get emotional when asking people to be in our wedding party. Believed I was his soul mate, was everything he prayed for right down to my profession! So I am BAFFLED how he could throw all that away because of holding off the wedding?
In my mind, if I admitted like he did how wrong he was and truly loved the person, I would do whatever it took.
Hurtfully he told me soon after we ended that "in his NEXT relationship he will be more loving and not bring work home."
Any insight into this at all???? I have net been in such a confusing misunderstood position before?
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
Hevyn has 9 months…and a bit
I just found this out - typical of Hevyn really - she's a quiet achiever LOL
Despite occasional quibbles over language (:)) she's one of my best friends here, and one of the people here who inspires me the most....not only with her support and love for others but her success in staying the course.
She reminds me that I can - we all can :)
Thanks J - congratulations - and well done! :kiss:
D
Despite occasional quibbles over language (:)) she's one of my best friends here, and one of the people here who inspires me the most....not only with her support and love for others but her success in staying the course.
She reminds me that I can - we all can :)
Thanks J - congratulations - and well done! :kiss:
D
Advice please
I stumbled upon this site a few days ago while trying to understand the actions of the RA I am seeing. He has been in recovery for almost 3 years and just told me this last week. He is also in AA.
Here is the situation. We have a great time when we are together. He lives a few hours away and since I have a flexible job I drive to see him. When I get to his place he is very happy to see me and we have a great time but the closer it get to time for me to leave he grows emotionally and physically distant. I have to force a good by kiss. He always ask me to let him know when I get home which I do. I usually get one text and then he goes MIA for the next few days. This happens everytime and I just caught on to the pattern. On Sunday he apologized for being MIA but that he is dealing with personal issues and needs time and would let me know when he has delt with his issue. He has changed his ring-back song to something very depressing and won't respond to my messages and wont talk. The only reason I sent him texts today was that I have come down with pneumonia again.
Im sick and tired and don't know what to do. If I push I lose but I have needs too. Am I interfeaing with his recovery by trying to talk to him?
Here is the situation. We have a great time when we are together. He lives a few hours away and since I have a flexible job I drive to see him. When I get to his place he is very happy to see me and we have a great time but the closer it get to time for me to leave he grows emotionally and physically distant. I have to force a good by kiss. He always ask me to let him know when I get home which I do. I usually get one text and then he goes MIA for the next few days. This happens everytime and I just caught on to the pattern. On Sunday he apologized for being MIA but that he is dealing with personal issues and needs time and would let me know when he has delt with his issue. He has changed his ring-back song to something very depressing and won't respond to my messages and wont talk. The only reason I sent him texts today was that I have come down with pneumonia again.
Im sick and tired and don't know what to do. If I push I lose but I have needs too. Am I interfeaing with his recovery by trying to talk to him?
Language of Letting Go - Sept. 3 - Word Power
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
--Anonymous
Some of us are so vulnerable to words.
A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.
There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!
We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.
Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.
We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk.
We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us - even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Word Power
I know I'm controlling, but so is my husband. Possibly more controlling than I am. Each time I set out to leave him, each time I started to walk away, he knew exactly what to say to pull me back in. And he knew I'd respond. He knew how to say exactly what I needed to hear to keep me where he wanted me. He knew what he was doing, and he knew what I would do. I know, because after we began recovering, he told me so.
--Anonymous
Some of us are so vulnerable to words.
A well timed "I love you." A chosen moment for "I'm sorry." An excuse delivered in the right tone of voice. A pat on the head. A dozen roses. A kiss. A greeting card. A few words that promise love that has yet to be delivered can spin us into denial. Sometimes, it can keep us denying that we are being lied to, mistreated, or abused.
There are those who deliberately set out to sway us, to control and manipulate us through cheap talk! They know, they fully understand our vulnerability to a few well-timed words! Break through your naivete. They know what they're doing. They understand their impact on us!
We do not have to give such power to words, even though the words may be just what we want and need to hear, even though they sound so good, even though the words seem to stop the pain.
Sooner or later, we will come to realize that if behavior doesn't match a person's words, we are allowing ourselves to be controlled, manipulated, and deceived. Sooner or later, we will come to realize that talk is cheap, unless the person's behavior matches it.
We can come to demand congruency in the behavior and the words of those around us. We can learn to not be manipulated, or swayed, by cheap talk.
We cannot control what others do, but we can choose our own behaviors and our own course of action. We do not have to let cheap, well-timed talk control us - even if the words we hear are exactly what we want to hear to stop our pain.
Today, I will let go of my vulnerability to words. God, help me trust myself to know the truth, even when I am being deceived. Help me cherish those relationships where there is congruity. Help me believe I deserve congruity and truth in the behavior and the words of those I care about.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Guess who shows up in my bedoom this morning?
Jeeze.
All lovey dovey, came to put gas in my car for me, blah blah blah.
How much he loves me, how much he misses me, hugging and wanting to kiss.
Of couse this comes on the heels of my telling him in an email a few days ago
that I'm feeling more and more that the best thing to do is to go our seperate
ways for 3-6 months, live our lives seperately and work (or not work) on ourselves
and then see where we are.
Yes, I lock my doors, but daughter had let cat out early and didn't re-lock.
Grrr.....
Just had to vent!
All lovey dovey, came to put gas in my car for me, blah blah blah.
How much he loves me, how much he misses me, hugging and wanting to kiss.
Of couse this comes on the heels of my telling him in an email a few days ago
that I'm feeling more and more that the best thing to do is to go our seperate
ways for 3-6 months, live our lives seperately and work (or not work) on ourselves
and then see where we are.
Yes, I lock my doors, but daughter had let cat out early and didn't re-lock.
Grrr.....
Just had to vent!
