Archive for the ‘Knees’ tag
Talking to a Greater Power
If I place my shoes under my bed at night before bedtime, I have to get on my knees. Why not kill two birds with one stone while I am already there?
"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."
When I get up in the morning, I need to retrieve my shoes before going to work. Since I am once again on my knees why not repeat the process from the night before?
"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why."
"When we retire at night, we constructively review our day. Were we resentful, selfish, dishonest or afraid? Do we owe an apology? Have we kept something to ourselves which should be discussed with another person at once? Were we kind and loving toward all? What could we have done better? Were we thinking of ourselves most of the time? Or were we thinking of what we could do for others, of what we could pack into the stream of life? But we must be careful not to drift into worry, remorse or morbid reflection, for that would diminish our usefulness to others. After making our review we ask God's forgiveness and inquire what corrective measures should be taken."
When I get up in the morning, I need to retrieve my shoes before going to work. Since I am once again on my knees why not repeat the process from the night before?
"On awakening let us think about the twenty-four hours ahead. We consider our plans for the day. Before we begin, we ask God to direct our thinking, especially asking that it be divorced from self-pity, dishonest or self-seeking motives. Under these conditions we can employ our mental faculties with assurance, for after all God gave us brains to use. Our thought-life will be placed on a much higher plane when our thinking is cleared of wrong motives.
In thinking about our day we may face indecision. We may not be able to determine which course to take. Here we ask God for inspiration, an intuitive thought or a decision. We relax and take it easy. We don't struggle. We are often surprised how the right answers come after we have tried this for a while.
What used to be the hunch or the occasional inspiration gradually becomes a working part of the mind. Being still inexperienced and having just made conscious contact with God, it is not probable that we are going to be inspired at all times. We might pay for this presumption in all sorts of absurd actions and ideas. Nevertheless, we find that our thinking will, as time passes, be more and more on the plane of inspiration. We come to rely upon it.
We usually conclude the period of meditation with a prayer that we be shown all through the day what our next step is to be, that we be given whatever we need to take care of such problems. We ask especially for freedom from self-will, and are careful to make no request for ourselves only. We may ask for ourselves, however, if others will be helped. We are careful never to pray for our own selfish ends. Many of us have wasted a lot of time doing that and it doesn't work. You can easily see why."
Trying to recover and dealing with ANGRY Husband
Five days sober today. Was a busy day thank goodness. just got home a bit ago, husband is here, but he is so angry over my last drink episode that he wants me out, I am not leaving as I really have nowhere to go. He is ignoring me, being mean to me. He is a controlling man to begin with and now with his power he has he is putting me thru anything he can to hurt me. It is hard when I know that being a drunk is bout as bad as one can be, but I so wish he had a clue how hard it is to deal with and how no support is a killer. I think he might be trying to push me over the edge. I want to know if others husbands support their alcoholic wife or do they resent and hate them for not being able to just give it up and be normal just like that. Life can really be horrid at times. I have had to forgive for his lying, his cheating numerous times, abuse from his daughter, his treating me like his kid infront of his daughter. I could go on and on...I am getting on my knees every morning and night, praying to my higher power for help and strength and most of all, guidance. Just like to know how other women in same situation have it at home....would like to know how you handle it.
I am not a drunk I just keep relapsing.
I am now 2 days sober. I have been through detox, 4 week rehab, out patient. Going to AA, but through this have relapsed 4 times. I am still trying to get my 30 day chip. This past relapse was by far the worst. I guess I am lucky I am here typing on this post and not locked up baker acted. My therapist had threatened to call 911 on me as after talking with me on the phone and realized i was not talking at all like a sane person, I fell bruised my leg, cuts, fell out of chairs, sprawled out on the ground, wanting to be dead..etc...So I was home, in comes 3 cop cars. fire trucks, ambulance, rescue trucks..etc. lights ablaring. I was outback of my home, and didn't realize the commotion for a bit in the front. my unlucky husband had to deal with it. They checked on me quite awhile later, and luckily left. Amazing how we can sober up fast, I should have been hauled away, I was nuts. My life is out of control, I don't want to go outside my house as I wonder what the neighbors are wondering, how much they know. My husband is embarrassed, and wants to move, he wants me gone. How we can drink, know how bad it is and continue to try to fool ourselves. I am gonna make it work this time, I know AA is important, a sponsor and WORKING The steps. I got a temp. sponsor and started going back to AA, and beginning step one. This morning I got on my knees and prayed to GOD, asking for his help to take this demon from me. It felt good to get on my knees and connect with my higher power. I feel I am not alone, I know he is with me, for as soon as I asked for his help, my car keys which I had been looking for for the past 2 days appeared. For all of you who are here like me..starting over, once again or anyone who is just getting to the point that life is out of control,. I can feel for you. I have to make it work this time. My life is running out. I cannot keep going on drinking a 1/5 at a time. People are amazed that I can drink that much and more and walk, talk, as I am not a large person. But this disease keeps wanting you to have more and more. I am gonna to try to get positive and know that life can change. I can hopefully get over the embarrassment I have now with my clicky, nosey neighborhood. How awakening this is to feel so low amongst your piers. Well this is me,. would like to hear from you all.
Prayer………..share this with me
According to Ed, Dr. Bob would explain prayer by telling how the camels in a caravan would kneel down in the evening, and the men would unload their burdens. In the morning, they would kneel down again, and the men would put the burdens back on. “It's the same with prayer,” Dr. Bob said. “We get on our knees to unload at night. And in the morning when we get on our knees again, God gives us just the load we are able to carry for that day.”
Diary of a Mad Woman
I have been both praised to the heavens and criticized enough to make me feel as though I should be in the bottom depths of hell for my decision to leave my husband of eight years. Either way there truly is no right answer. I did what I felt was best for my self and my daughter.
I walked out of my second marriage. Ron and I were together for eight years. Two of those years he was in prison for drinking and driving. Those who know me from that time also know that for four of those years we lived not without incident. The first year he was on probation, the three years leading up to the arrest that lead to him going to prison I lived in a mixture of fear and hope. The night before he was arrested I told him I didn't want to go with him to the race, I begged him to take one of his friends. He talked me into going, he talked me into drinking. I told him the night before I had a feeling but on our way to the race he just kept on nagging and clucking at me. I should have stood my ground but I didn't. I gave in with a grudge, I was mad at him, he wouldn't let me get something to eat when we stopped, we needed to get beer, Like a dumb ass I didn't have my own money on me. As angry as I was then, we had so much fun together that day, the most we had had in a very long time. We had both worked so hard to get our business off the ground and all the hard work was finally starting to pay off.
I forced him to go back into business for himself instead of doing the same thing for someone else, I knew he could do it. After all, there is nothing you can have that you can't have again. When we went to that race we had signed our biggest contract yet. We had a reputation and more than a leg to stand on. Until that night. We were pulling out of TMS after most every one had left. There was a row of officers and it looked to both of us that they were flagging us in the direction that he turned. We were both wrong. I was on one side of the truck, he on the other. I saw him go down on his knees while they put the cuffs on. He wouldn't look at me, it was the moment I knew from day one would happen but prayed would not. It was his fourth DWI.
I tried my best to let him do what he believed was right without nagging or ragging. He had tried many times to not drink and being back to work for himself was working. When I first started dating him I invited him over for dinner. He didn't eat. He did spend the night but we did not have sex, he did not want to drive. I woke up to the sound of him cracking a beer. I said something to the effect of "what can I get you some cold pizza to go with that? Dude, aren't you a bit old for the college diet?" I know, I should have kicked him to the curb then.
He was so sweet. My daughter loved him instantly. Perhaps she saw a kindred spirit. They were both children looking for some one to love them. In her case her biological father was absent. I cannot explain with him, he had parents who adored him.
My Nana who at the time was in her early eighties when Ron was arrested for his fourth DWI became ill. She was ready. Her last few years had been less than pleasant. She was an amazing woman, she taught me how to be a lady and how to fight like hell for what I believe in. Most of all she taught me how to believe in God or a HP depending on you. He is there. I came to her bedside when she was ready. She had no idea who I was and while that hurt I understood. There were issues that kept me away from her that had nothing to do with her, just a family so beyond dysfunctional it does not bear mentioning.
Smother was already end staging. She was on her fourth dialysis shunt. If you don't know, a shunt is like a mini by-pass. Her cardiovascular system was like swiss cheese and she was about sixty five then. She was bound and determined that she would get s kidney transplant. Which she did which made me so angry you would not believe. She should never have been a candidate at her age and life style when so many people are waiting for the same. She abused her life, her family and her power and that is an abomination.
Anyway, I came down to Nana to see her through her last days. The only thing Ron had to do was stay sober and not smoke pot. He called every day three four times a day each day with the same story. Tomorrow he will quit smoking.
I came back for the plea. My Nana died a week later. On what was that year not just my birthday but Mother's day.
I walked out of my second marriage. Ron and I were together for eight years. Two of those years he was in prison for drinking and driving. Those who know me from that time also know that for four of those years we lived not without incident. The first year he was on probation, the three years leading up to the arrest that lead to him going to prison I lived in a mixture of fear and hope. The night before he was arrested I told him I didn't want to go with him to the race, I begged him to take one of his friends. He talked me into going, he talked me into drinking. I told him the night before I had a feeling but on our way to the race he just kept on nagging and clucking at me. I should have stood my ground but I didn't. I gave in with a grudge, I was mad at him, he wouldn't let me get something to eat when we stopped, we needed to get beer, Like a dumb ass I didn't have my own money on me. As angry as I was then, we had so much fun together that day, the most we had had in a very long time. We had both worked so hard to get our business off the ground and all the hard work was finally starting to pay off.
I forced him to go back into business for himself instead of doing the same thing for someone else, I knew he could do it. After all, there is nothing you can have that you can't have again. When we went to that race we had signed our biggest contract yet. We had a reputation and more than a leg to stand on. Until that night. We were pulling out of TMS after most every one had left. There was a row of officers and it looked to both of us that they were flagging us in the direction that he turned. We were both wrong. I was on one side of the truck, he on the other. I saw him go down on his knees while they put the cuffs on. He wouldn't look at me, it was the moment I knew from day one would happen but prayed would not. It was his fourth DWI.
I tried my best to let him do what he believed was right without nagging or ragging. He had tried many times to not drink and being back to work for himself was working. When I first started dating him I invited him over for dinner. He didn't eat. He did spend the night but we did not have sex, he did not want to drive. I woke up to the sound of him cracking a beer. I said something to the effect of "what can I get you some cold pizza to go with that? Dude, aren't you a bit old for the college diet?" I know, I should have kicked him to the curb then.
He was so sweet. My daughter loved him instantly. Perhaps she saw a kindred spirit. They were both children looking for some one to love them. In her case her biological father was absent. I cannot explain with him, he had parents who adored him.
My Nana who at the time was in her early eighties when Ron was arrested for his fourth DWI became ill. She was ready. Her last few years had been less than pleasant. She was an amazing woman, she taught me how to be a lady and how to fight like hell for what I believe in. Most of all she taught me how to believe in God or a HP depending on you. He is there. I came to her bedside when she was ready. She had no idea who I was and while that hurt I understood. There were issues that kept me away from her that had nothing to do with her, just a family so beyond dysfunctional it does not bear mentioning.
Smother was already end staging. She was on her fourth dialysis shunt. If you don't know, a shunt is like a mini by-pass. Her cardiovascular system was like swiss cheese and she was about sixty five then. She was bound and determined that she would get s kidney transplant. Which she did which made me so angry you would not believe. She should never have been a candidate at her age and life style when so many people are waiting for the same. She abused her life, her family and her power and that is an abomination.
Anyway, I came down to Nana to see her through her last days. The only thing Ron had to do was stay sober and not smoke pot. He called every day three four times a day each day with the same story. Tomorrow he will quit smoking.
I came back for the plea. My Nana died a week later. On what was that year not just my birthday but Mother's day.
Life Changes
Skydiving. It's a passion of mine. When I started medical school, my time for fun stuff became more limited. Being a mom, I spent most of my free time with my son, since there wasn't a whole lot of it. My skydiving friends and I always said, "The sky will always be there." Well, now I have time. I have money. My son's a bit older. The sky IS still there. And I have this bad knee. Skydiving doesn't take that big a toll on the knees, so I wasn't too concerned about that. Some of my girlfriends and I have been making plans for me to hit it hard and join on the Women's World Record 2009.
But there's the knee. My ortho doc doesn't want me to skydive anymore, ever, if he's gonna replace my knee. After a couple months of reflecting on all of this and the relative importance of the things at stake, I'm finally okay with it. I'm at a place where I can appreciate the things I've done in the past, and leave some of them in the past.
I'm getting rid of my skydiving gear. That's a REALLY big deal in my life.
~dig
But there's the knee. My ortho doc doesn't want me to skydive anymore, ever, if he's gonna replace my knee. After a couple months of reflecting on all of this and the relative importance of the things at stake, I'm finally okay with it. I'm at a place where I can appreciate the things I've done in the past, and leave some of them in the past.
I'm getting rid of my skydiving gear. That's a REALLY big deal in my life.
~dig
2 Home Groups
There's a lot of debate about the "anda" message. I have heard people complain about each fellowship because they couldn't talk about their drug use in one meeting or another and only heard war stories in other meetings.
On 9-10-1996 I put the last mood changing / mind altering substance into my body. I drank a half pint of Vodka instead of going to the hospital. I was in pain and afraid someone may find out about me.
With my drug of choice being "Whacha got", I have no doubt that I am an addict. I also have been attending the appropriate fellowship for years. When I stopped, I was not in a meeting, with my sponsor, in jail, in treatment or detox. I was lying on the road, whupped!
Completely defeated, not even able to rise to my knees, I turned to where ALL the fellowships say to turn, to a God of my understanding.
Tomorrow, rather today, in a few hours, I will recognize / celebrate 12 years in each of my 2 home groups.
My first day of these many in a row started on 9-11-96. An anniversary that I humbly share with heroes.
This is possible because of the work "we" have done. We, are those before me, myself and those after me, living the steps in every aspect of life. Sharing ESH whenever asked and never turning back those seeking help.
So, when I hear, ( or when you hear) someone say that mixing recoveries just confuses you, remember this human. I never did anything for 12 years in a row, day in day out, except drink/use until I embraced the fellowships and started living the steps. (notice I didn't say who's steps)
p.s. Oh and you get 2 cakes, too!! :bday6 :bday5
On 9-10-1996 I put the last mood changing / mind altering substance into my body. I drank a half pint of Vodka instead of going to the hospital. I was in pain and afraid someone may find out about me.
With my drug of choice being "Whacha got", I have no doubt that I am an addict. I also have been attending the appropriate fellowship for years. When I stopped, I was not in a meeting, with my sponsor, in jail, in treatment or detox. I was lying on the road, whupped!
Completely defeated, not even able to rise to my knees, I turned to where ALL the fellowships say to turn, to a God of my understanding.
Tomorrow, rather today, in a few hours, I will recognize / celebrate 12 years in each of my 2 home groups.
My first day of these many in a row started on 9-11-96. An anniversary that I humbly share with heroes.
This is possible because of the work "we" have done. We, are those before me, myself and those after me, living the steps in every aspect of life. Sharing ESH whenever asked and never turning back those seeking help.
So, when I hear, ( or when you hear) someone say that mixing recoveries just confuses you, remember this human. I never did anything for 12 years in a row, day in day out, except drink/use until I embraced the fellowships and started living the steps. (notice I didn't say who's steps)
p.s. Oh and you get 2 cakes, too!! :bday6 :bday5
I’m so glad I found you
Hi Everyone,
I'm so incredibly grateful I found this forum. Up until
now I've never discussed my drinking problem with
anyone. My husband doesn't know (or is afraid to admit)
what has happened to me. My children are grown, I don't
see my friends anymore...basically I've been all alone with
this.
Wow, this is hard. I guess I'm an alcoholic. Simply typing
that last sentence pretty much brought me to my knees.
The pain and sorrow is so overwhelming and there are days
I think I'd rather not be here. But I don't dwell on that.
I just want my life back. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The person I see looking back in the mirror disgusts me. She's
deceitful, shameful, and a fool.
I was sober for 4 days this time. Actually, I was doing very
well, no cravings, no desires. My last binge had pretty much
convinced me if I didn't stop I'd destroy everything I love.
If not for the grace of God, I would already have.
The thing is I've convinced my self that I haven't "really"
tried to stop before but I probably could control
my drinking if I tried really, really hard.
Then my husband brought home a bottle of wine last night.
Suddenly this thought popped in my head. "Why don't you see
if you can stop at just two glasses? Then you'll know."
I drank half a bottle of wine and three beers. At 3:00 this morning
I wrote myself a note and placed it on my computer screen.
"Now You Know".
So here I am. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling
hopeful.
pg
I'm so incredibly grateful I found this forum. Up until
now I've never discussed my drinking problem with
anyone. My husband doesn't know (or is afraid to admit)
what has happened to me. My children are grown, I don't
see my friends anymore...basically I've been all alone with
this.
Wow, this is hard. I guess I'm an alcoholic. Simply typing
that last sentence pretty much brought me to my knees.
The pain and sorrow is so overwhelming and there are days
I think I'd rather not be here. But I don't dwell on that.
I just want my life back. I don't even know who I am anymore.
The person I see looking back in the mirror disgusts me. She's
deceitful, shameful, and a fool.
I was sober for 4 days this time. Actually, I was doing very
well, no cravings, no desires. My last binge had pretty much
convinced me if I didn't stop I'd destroy everything I love.
If not for the grace of God, I would already have.
The thing is I've convinced my self that I haven't "really"
tried to stop before but I probably could control
my drinking if I tried really, really hard.
Then my husband brought home a bottle of wine last night.
Suddenly this thought popped in my head. "Why don't you see
if you can stop at just two glasses? Then you'll know."
I drank half a bottle of wine and three beers. At 3:00 this morning
I wrote myself a note and placed it on my computer screen.
"Now You Know".
So here I am. For the first time in a long time, I'm feeling
hopeful.
pg
can’t do this
I don't think I can do this.......I just hyperventilated so hard I dry heaved at work. There are so many things racing through my head and my heart, emotions I never knew I had. I can't get a grip on my head, I literally feel to my knees in my office and grabbed my head crying out loud harder then I ever have in my life, over what should seem like nothing. All the normal things aren't normal anymore. I won't go back and drink but I have to do somethign to stop this emotional rollercoaster. There has to be a way to get off this ride. I can't freak out and cry forever and I don't want anyone at my work to know what I'm going through except a few I'm either close with or work close to. I don't want people to think I'm unstable but I am and I feel unstable. I called my councelor and was crying so hard I couldn't talk, I couldn't explain what was wrong I just don't know what's wrong. Something make this stop.
Nobodyrealyet
Nobodyrealyet
Feel Like A Fool
It has been almost a year since I made the decision to start Suboxone.My knees were roached from years of being extremely heavy, and after I got the courage to lose it, the knee pain was still there, which is how I got introduced to painkillers.
This is the second time since starting Sub that I have taken more than prescribed to combat the pain.I don't believe I was being an "addict", this is legitimate pain, and I did not take more than 16mg in any one day, normally I take 8mg.I have to admit that when I have flare ups, the extra sub helps.I finally have decent medical insurance and am going to see a orthopedic doctor this Thursday, and will tell the truth about my history.
The problem lies with my Suboxone program.I am embarrassed and I have to be honest with my doctor, because I am out of medication two weeks early.I promised myself that I would keep this journey honest because I DO want to recover and heal.I hate opiates and I fear them.I have not used anything other than what I have been prescribed, and for that, I feel really proud.Yet, I am not proud about misusing it.
My husband is very supportive, and held me as I cried out the tears of shame to him, but he understands.He knows how much my knee bothers me, and is happy at what Suboxone has given me back, he is the greatest, and the support means everything to my recovery.
I know that recovery is a lifelong journey, and I have never done as well as I have in the past year.I know that this will pass, I just feel like a heel! I don't like to admit weakness, and being honest about it is really hard for me, but I am making progress.I just had to write out my feelings, in hopes someone would come along and relate.Thanks.
This is the second time since starting Sub that I have taken more than prescribed to combat the pain.I don't believe I was being an "addict", this is legitimate pain, and I did not take more than 16mg in any one day, normally I take 8mg.I have to admit that when I have flare ups, the extra sub helps.I finally have decent medical insurance and am going to see a orthopedic doctor this Thursday, and will tell the truth about my history.
The problem lies with my Suboxone program.I am embarrassed and I have to be honest with my doctor, because I am out of medication two weeks early.I promised myself that I would keep this journey honest because I DO want to recover and heal.I hate opiates and I fear them.I have not used anything other than what I have been prescribed, and for that, I feel really proud.Yet, I am not proud about misusing it.
My husband is very supportive, and held me as I cried out the tears of shame to him, but he understands.He knows how much my knee bothers me, and is happy at what Suboxone has given me back, he is the greatest, and the support means everything to my recovery.
I know that recovery is a lifelong journey, and I have never done as well as I have in the past year.I know that this will pass, I just feel like a heel! I don't like to admit weakness, and being honest about it is really hard for me, but I am making progress.I just had to write out my feelings, in hopes someone would come along and relate.Thanks.
