Archive for the ‘Knives’ tag
Hi I’m New. Here’s my story.
Hi.
I am a person who has battled with alcoholism since I was about 17 years of age. The first time I ever drank I got really high from alcohol. I remember wanting more and more. My friend who had drunk less woke up sick, I woke up feeling fine.
I have been in lots of trouble because of alcohol. I was homeless for a couple of years. I have been arrested probably around 30 times because of alcohol. I have (serious) scars all over my arms and legs cause I used to smash up bottles and cut myself.
I can remember throwing a stake at an incoming train, which was probably only 25 metres of so away from me. I can remember nearly drowning a river that surrounds a brewery (at the time I was trying to get to it, though I could get more alcohol).
I have been taken into hospital many dozens of times, detained on several occasions.
I have done some bad things when drunk, things i would NEVER do when sober. I'm considered to be polite and mild mannered when sober. When drunk I have smashed shop windows, smashed up cars, attacked police with knives, jumped on top of moving police cars etc. Of course I have woken up plenty of times covered in vomit and worst. In my worst period i had horrific hallucinations, the worst you could possibly imagine, they still scare me to this day. I always want more and more alcohol and i am a rapid drinker. It makes me really, really high at first. At its best i cant imagine ANY drug could make me possibly better. I feel clever, and able to handle everything- motivated, happy, excited, interested, relaxed, this "buzz" feeling. Sometimes when drunk I have stolen from bottleshops (something i would never normally do- i do not steal) to get more alcohol. WHen i was homeless in the city I you would find me passed out around various spots in the city. I used to get free food at homeless shelter, they were actually pretty good there. The doctor used to say i would end up dead if I didnt stop drinking, they would give me you know those vitamin injections.
I usually drink about 4-5 times a week. Usually I drink between 1 to 1.5 bottles of scotch. Sometimes I drink beer or cask wine.
I just got back on the internet recently cause I have managed to hold a unit over the last year or so (only reason i haven't been evicted is cause my brother who is well of financially has spent thousands repairing various damage i have done to it drunk etc) but i kept selling off my possessions to get alcohol. I sold my computer for $50 to another tenant so I could pissed. Just bought a cheap one again on payday (i am on a disability pension).
But I think I have found a happy ending.
I have never been into stuff like AA. Its not my cup of tea because I am an atheist and totally against the seemingly religious type components. Although the group interaction does appeal to me.
I've been diagnosed before by various doctors with borderline personality disorder, also as a child I was diagnosed with ADHD. Most people consider me fairly hyperactive. I get a lot of anxiety and used to have bad panic attacks, but dont get them anymore (I really have no idea why they went away). Yeah I've been on the antidepressant bandwagon. I frequently struggle with feeling depressed and unmotivated, sad, like nothing interests me. Nothing. But the antidepressants have never done anything. They just dont "hit" the spot. Of course alcohol does, for a little while anyway before it turns into anarchy.
Anyway 6 weeks ago a doctor suggested I try naltrexone. I was quite skeptical because I though it probably doesn't do anything, its for blocking the opiod receptors. Probably does nothing in alcoholics, probably corrupt clinical trials sponsored by greedy pharmaceutical companies are the only reason it got on the market...
Well I have not had a single drink for 6 weeks. I have not even been trying. I have not "felt" like drinking at all. I have not craved alcohol in the slightest. Its only been 6 weeks but I feel like I have been "cured" of alcoholism. I hope it continues. I could almost never make a week before without drinking. The best I have done in the last year was 12 days. Now I have gone 6 weeks. I haven't had any counseling etc. In fact I know if the craving came, I would soon loose out against it and end up drinking. I'd probably not be able to get on here cause I'd pawn off my computer or smash my unit to pieces (as I have done various times when very intoxicated).
Well its looking good for me. I am really, really grateful. If people are interested I will keep an update here, and tell you people if I still haven't slipped up. I'll be honest.
I think ANYBODY who is an alcoholic who has NOT tried naltrexone MUST TRY IT. It works in about 20-30% of people to some degree according to the research.
Edit: Some interesting research (it wont let me link it), just came out in the last few days. A clinical trial of 80 methamphetamine addicted individuals showed that it also seems effect in amphetamine addicts. Some of my friends have struggled as chronic iv meth users.
I am a person who has battled with alcoholism since I was about 17 years of age. The first time I ever drank I got really high from alcohol. I remember wanting more and more. My friend who had drunk less woke up sick, I woke up feeling fine.
I have been in lots of trouble because of alcohol. I was homeless for a couple of years. I have been arrested probably around 30 times because of alcohol. I have (serious) scars all over my arms and legs cause I used to smash up bottles and cut myself.
I can remember throwing a stake at an incoming train, which was probably only 25 metres of so away from me. I can remember nearly drowning a river that surrounds a brewery (at the time I was trying to get to it, though I could get more alcohol).
I have been taken into hospital many dozens of times, detained on several occasions.
I have done some bad things when drunk, things i would NEVER do when sober. I'm considered to be polite and mild mannered when sober. When drunk I have smashed shop windows, smashed up cars, attacked police with knives, jumped on top of moving police cars etc. Of course I have woken up plenty of times covered in vomit and worst. In my worst period i had horrific hallucinations, the worst you could possibly imagine, they still scare me to this day. I always want more and more alcohol and i am a rapid drinker. It makes me really, really high at first. At its best i cant imagine ANY drug could make me possibly better. I feel clever, and able to handle everything- motivated, happy, excited, interested, relaxed, this "buzz" feeling. Sometimes when drunk I have stolen from bottleshops (something i would never normally do- i do not steal) to get more alcohol. WHen i was homeless in the city I you would find me passed out around various spots in the city. I used to get free food at homeless shelter, they were actually pretty good there. The doctor used to say i would end up dead if I didnt stop drinking, they would give me you know those vitamin injections.
I usually drink about 4-5 times a week. Usually I drink between 1 to 1.5 bottles of scotch. Sometimes I drink beer or cask wine.
I just got back on the internet recently cause I have managed to hold a unit over the last year or so (only reason i haven't been evicted is cause my brother who is well of financially has spent thousands repairing various damage i have done to it drunk etc) but i kept selling off my possessions to get alcohol. I sold my computer for $50 to another tenant so I could pissed. Just bought a cheap one again on payday (i am on a disability pension).
But I think I have found a happy ending.
I have never been into stuff like AA. Its not my cup of tea because I am an atheist and totally against the seemingly religious type components. Although the group interaction does appeal to me.
I've been diagnosed before by various doctors with borderline personality disorder, also as a child I was diagnosed with ADHD. Most people consider me fairly hyperactive. I get a lot of anxiety and used to have bad panic attacks, but dont get them anymore (I really have no idea why they went away). Yeah I've been on the antidepressant bandwagon. I frequently struggle with feeling depressed and unmotivated, sad, like nothing interests me. Nothing. But the antidepressants have never done anything. They just dont "hit" the spot. Of course alcohol does, for a little while anyway before it turns into anarchy.
Anyway 6 weeks ago a doctor suggested I try naltrexone. I was quite skeptical because I though it probably doesn't do anything, its for blocking the opiod receptors. Probably does nothing in alcoholics, probably corrupt clinical trials sponsored by greedy pharmaceutical companies are the only reason it got on the market...
Well I have not had a single drink for 6 weeks. I have not even been trying. I have not "felt" like drinking at all. I have not craved alcohol in the slightest. Its only been 6 weeks but I feel like I have been "cured" of alcoholism. I hope it continues. I could almost never make a week before without drinking. The best I have done in the last year was 12 days. Now I have gone 6 weeks. I haven't had any counseling etc. In fact I know if the craving came, I would soon loose out against it and end up drinking. I'd probably not be able to get on here cause I'd pawn off my computer or smash my unit to pieces (as I have done various times when very intoxicated).
Well its looking good for me. I am really, really grateful. If people are interested I will keep an update here, and tell you people if I still haven't slipped up. I'll be honest.
I think ANYBODY who is an alcoholic who has NOT tried naltrexone MUST TRY IT. It works in about 20-30% of people to some degree according to the research.
Edit: Some interesting research (it wont let me link it), just came out in the last few days. A clinical trial of 80 methamphetamine addicted individuals showed that it also seems effect in amphetamine addicts. Some of my friends have struggled as chronic iv meth users.
Horrible Week, even worse tonight.
My youngest daughter, age 26 going on 10, just stormed out of the house and left her 6 month old here saying she didn't want her anymore. Of course, first she had to tell me how heartless I was and it was no wonder my middle daughter is an addict the way I treat them. (I know she didn't mean the daughter part.)
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
Youngest is close to being an alcoholic, like her dad, and I know I can't help that. She has anger issues that are beyond belief, thinks the world should revolve around her, and is incapable of holding jobs for long because she treats people like dirt. She hooked up with a diehard alcoholic and it's been love, hate, live together, move out, for the last 4 years or so. Last time she lived with us it was to get a new start, blah, blah, blah and all she did was make a mess and chase bf around. When she left to move back in with him my husband said she was never allowed to move back in or he would leave. He means it. She has also moved in with her oldest sister a couple times and has done the same thing, sister also says no more. BF isn't physically abusive but his words cut likes knives, sends her into a fury and she is the one who most often reacts physically.
Of course into all this she has to bring a baby. Beautiful little girl and is one of the happiest babies I've ever had. She is precious. When daughter was pregnant she was still on SSI and had to take some counseling classes and they really helped. She was talking about some college courses and was getting some self-esteem. She had to give up SSI when she moved in with boyfriend and signed off services for a year. Now bf is on a tangent that he wants nothing to do with her anymore. Wants her out of the apartment (this is partly her fault in so that she had to go and get drunk a couple weeks ago and do nothing but fight and so on) and yet he tells her she can stay for the baby's sake and then treats her like dirt and makes ugly remark all night. She says she can't take it anymore and needs to get out and she's losing her mind.
So now tonight, I'm heartless because I won't let her move in here and give up my husband for my own daughter, the one I gave birth to. That I don't care about the h##l she is living in. I won't even give her hugs, (used to but then she say I don't want hugs I need help) can't win in that department. She has no girlfriends because they can't stand her for long. She's some one you just can reason with. Said she's not going to work tomorrow (she works 2 days a week at Dollar General), she's quitting and leaving town. I just kinda sat there through the tirade and that ticked her off so she slammed out the door.
I don't know what to do. I do feel kinda heartless and I feel trapped. I'm mad that she doesn't ever attack her dad, who moved back in with his mother and could perfectly well share an apartment with her, and he just gets to drift along with none of this. I've told her to go to the women's shelter uptown and that really made her blow. Almost wish I had that one on film.
Right now my anxiety is so high I think I'm having a heart attack. I guess I just needed someone to talk to. My hubby just doesn't want to hear it anymore.
