Drug Rehab Options Blog

Miss Bug was an abandoned dog in a duplex slated to be torn down, and my youngest AD rescued her and brought her home in late August.

She's been very ill at the vet's since last night with a temp of 105. The vet is fairly sure the little darling has never been spayed and has a bad case of closed pyometra (infected uterus) so she will be doing surgery first thing in the morning. She is eating well for them, drinking water, and slathering them with kisses. She's been on IV antibiotics since last night in an attempt to get the fever down.

She has a small knot on her belly that looked just like a scar my pitbull mix girl had from a bad spay job that ended up infected, but the vet said it looks like a very small umbilical hernia. I feel so bad that I assumed that was a scar and that she had been spayed. :(

Good thoughts would be appreciated. I had to drive the 40 miles today to college campus as they were only buying back text books till tomorrow, I hurt my back carrying that heavy load of books (and of course no healthy young student who saw me lugging them offered to help), my head is pounding, and I am going to try my best to relax tonight, turn it over to God, and have faith that Miss Bug will be okay.

Here she is nestled up with her best bud, Dandy Randy, my 85 pound greyhound. She sticks to him like white on rice.

I've been waiting anxiously for a month to get my sister back into seeing the doctor/therapist she's had some success with in the past. She had a long history of irresponsible living and drug abuse that built up to 2 arrests within a month last December for faking prescriptions for percs and oxy. She made some progress in recovery for the first half of this year, but fell back into the old habits over the summer. All this time she's had a live-in bf (with previous alcohol problem) who's stood by her but whose patience is nearly at an end. And 2 weeks ago she found out she's pregnant. It all seemed ready to blow.

So Monday I go with her back to seeing the doctor. It'll be weekly visits from now on with me coming to all of them. They discuss both her treatments and what's in store if she keeps the baby (as she seems determined to do). I leave feeling hopeful that maybe her relapse can be turned around, the bf's fears eased, and maybe, just maybe, having a baby in all this won't be a total disaster.

Well. The next night at 3am I get a frantic call from her that the bf has come home drunk out his head and is trashing the place and screaming at her about all the the bad things she's done over the months. Cops take him away and now he's got to live in a different city with his mother who posted his bond. At the moment she's alone, except for me checking in and friends.

Then today we found our dad's chemo is no longer working and won't be continued. Not sure how much longer he's got, but whether he'll be around to see her baby born is in doubt.

All these things are connected. The BF's relapse in alcohol abuse by his frustrations with her, her fears over whether he'll stay and our dad's health making her own recover harder, the pregnancy thrown in which makes him feel trapped now, and her fears of being abandoned. One big knot to unravel!

While at times I've been sick with worry this week about where this is going and why it all hit at once, I'm hoping that maybe after the shocks are over, and time goes on some good could come of it. He's required to get alcoholism treatment now (and I know he will), she has continued to make her therapy appointments with me as the moral support, and knowing a baby is on the way and our dad's time could be short seems to be focusing her mind on staying clean for those reasons.

I judge myself. So, donÂ’t you dare!
Prejudge your own reproachful stare.
Think thrice. Then, thank theocracy,
Thick tongues throw forth hypocrisy.

Red noses don’t make one a clown –
IÂ’m not amused. You want renown.
Like hellÂ’s bells, your laughterÂ’s hollow.
Life and soul? Hard act to follow.

Arise and smell the stench of death,
Embalming fluid on your breath.
Its cunning ploy: you play the sucker.
Baffled now; you beg for succour.

You called yourself a human-ist.
Like fearful humans, you ran – pissed.
Will you find hope? Can you relate
To thine own massesÂ’ opiate?

WhoÂ’s a hypocrite? Dag nab it!
Casting stones is my old habit.
Applaud myself, fore IÂ’m humble.
Judging you – myself, I rumble.

Forgive all others. Let them be.
IÂ’m judginÂ’ you. YouÂ’re judginÂ’ me.
Still, my and thy will to-and-fro.
May be our nature. What do we know?

Yet, Mother Earth be ware not true;
So, you judge me. Then, I judge you.
Our Father Sun, on higher plain,
Said: “Judge not . . .” We hope: not in vain.

~~ dox

To all the newcomers and even to the people who have been in recovery for a while what have you noticed about yourself in the past days, weeks, months?

Like for me...my skin is a lot healthier, I don't get half as many coldsores as I did, my eyes are alive again, I don't feel nearly half as tired as I used to and the most important thing is that I don't dread the next day anymore. I look forward to it! I'm not saying that I bounce out of bed everyday and embrace it but I don't feel that overwhelming despair anymore.

Most of all...I don't have that knot in my stomach anymore. In it's place is hope and peace and I hope that a day at a time I continue to experience that.

My RAD lives with me and is a SLOB.....She left something in the bathroom about 3 wks ago and I stubbed my toe on it....thought I had just broken my toe. So I taped it up to the other toe beside it, thinking it would just heal. Now it looks like a small sausage, has a big knot, and hurts so bad I can hardly walk. I do believe I have dislocated something & I have to go see a podiatrist.

Mistakes happen, but when I told my daughter about this, she just shrugged it off like it was nothing. Of course, it didn't affect her, so she could care less.

Does anyone, besides me, ever resent the uncaring attitude which is expressed towards us by our addict? Hey, how hard is "I'm sorry" or "Hope it gets better?" Don't really need advice, just want a "Poor Little Toe" pity party.

I got a letter from my son yesterday & am afraid to open it. Everytime I get a letter from him I can feel my stomach get into a knot..............then it takes me sometimes days before I can open it. I don't know what I'm afraid of...................hearing about more problems I guess...........all I know is it is laying here & I am still hesitant to open it.

I treated myself to a massage yesterday, deep tissue. I woke up so sore. Each knot that was worked on feels like I was hit there with a hammer. For years I have had chronic stress, evident in my neck & shoulders. I have tried Yoga, Tai Chi and stretching. I have been very conscious of my stress level and relaxing where I feel it surface. This struggle, while productive, was also laced with drinking. During each massage I was asked if I'd been drinking lots of water. I was doing the opposite! Becoming dehydrated by drinking lots of alcohol! After each massage, I was told to drink lots of water. I drank lots alright, lots of alcohol! This is the first time in years that I have done the right thing when it comes to a massage. Lots of water before and lots of water afterwards. It really feels good to be normal.

Well, I had a better night last night with AH. We went to my son's "meet the teacher night for his kindergarten. Then we went and got a bite to eat at somewhere cheap (really cool chinese buffet, cheap for adults and kids eat for only a few bucks and the food is awesome. One of my great little finds.) Then, since we have been having so much rain here in TX lately, I forgot that I hadn't gotten my little boy a raincoat. I was looking for one of those little yellow kind with the boots. Looked everywhere and couldn't find it. Plenty of them for little girls (Hannah Montana, etc.) but not little boys. Whats up with that? Anyway, I ended up getting him an all weather jacket, kinda wind breaker/rain wear with a hood. Very cute and much more than I had anticipated on spending. But AH's check was coming today. So, I went to pay some bills, you know the ones with the turn off notices pending and we are wiped out. Now I am trying to figure out how to make a small amount of money stretch through until next Friday when I get paid.

So, here we go again, the proverbial anxiety attack. The knot in my stomach again. I feel like I am living in the depression era or something. AH and I watched TV together last night and there is still a strain. I did speak to him calmly last night and told him that I loved him and always will, but I would be a liar if I didn't tell him that I have been actively looking into a divorce. That I am weighing my options and that I was looking into roomates from the local paper to see what was being charged and/or offered to share expenses. I told him that even though I loved him, our family was way to dysfunctional and that if it didn't improve I would have to remove him from the home for the sake of our son. I know Dr.Phil is a schmuck about a lot of things, but I have heard him say this saying, "A child would rather be from a broken home than be living in one". And though it would rip the heart out of me to do it, I have to think what is best for my son.

So, sadness still lingers as the unknown still lingers. The finances suck and are as bad as ever. However, I do get to go to my therapist in a little bit. First session with her and I am looking forward to it. I really don't have the $20 to spare for the co-pay, but then again I don't think I have the sanity to spare either. I need healing. Also, I am looking forward to my Al-anon meeting on Saturday.

Well, that's my update for today. But the day is still early. Oh, by the way, AH was suppose to look into that Ju-Jitsu payment and getting out of it. He hasn't yet. Also, he was suppose to check into his expense report payment (before he went into rehab he paid his expense report and was suppose to be reimbursed $150 (which I desperately need). He hasn't. Just pisses me off. But I am not suprised. Like I have told him, I have lowered my expectations, that way you don't get let down. However, I think I am going to give him about a week to either fix that jujitsu thing or I am just going to stop the payment in my account through the bank.