Archive for the ‘Last Time’ tag
Failed but back again
Last time (my first true attempt) I managed ten days.
Then I did my best to make up for it by drinking every day and getting hammered since then. Sigh.
Today is another Day one.
It's annoying to think I got to ten days last time and now I have to start all over again.
I drank 5 litres of wine in 5 days. So my plan of 'moderation' quickly got me up to a litre of wine a night. Oh and two 'half' bottles as well, cos they don't count right
Anywhere here I am. Back again.
Then I did my best to make up for it by drinking every day and getting hammered since then. Sigh.
Today is another Day one.
It's annoying to think I got to ten days last time and now I have to start all over again.
I drank 5 litres of wine in 5 days. So my plan of 'moderation' quickly got me up to a litre of wine a night. Oh and two 'half' bottles as well, cos they don't count right
Anywhere here I am. Back again.
Antabuse or disulfiram
I wanted to start this thread to share my experience of this medication and experiences of other people i know that have taken it as it is easy to just say 'i'm not taking meds' and in my case wasted 7 years of my life sticking to this principle.
I was drinking everyday and was starting to plan how to end my life when i decided to try one very last time to get some help. After finding an English speaking Counseller in Spain I booked an appointment. She referred me to the psychiatrict and he prescribed me 3 drugs:
1. Seroxat (Paxil) as i had taken a text and was chronic on most areas, anxiety, depression etc.
2. Antabuse to provide a barrier to having that first drink
3. A med used to detox and for anxiety (highly addictive, I did not take this one)
Back to antabuse. I have been sober for just over 10 weeks now from drinking everyday. I still have my job and it has been commented on how much my work has changed and it is quite obvious that i was nearing the point where they were losing all patience with me and still live in a wonderful house in Spain.
Without the antabuse i would have found this time more difficult as it provides a reason, a good one, for me not to drink at that given time. The drug lasts up to 48 hours in your system so as soon as you have a craving there is a thought process which would be that I want a drink but i can't have a drink right now otherwise the effects of the drug would make me ill. It is possible to stop taking the drug and then go out and get drunk in 48 hours but the craving is for the moment and not something that i think about logically, so it works.
I take one tablet every morning which is easy for me as i was always an afternoon drinker. Maybe if you are used to having your first drink at 9am this would be more difficult, but that was never my pattern of drinking.
There are no known side effects to the drug and it is completely non-addictive, you can stop taking the drug at anytime and have no withdrawl syptoms whatsoever. These are all facts!
I am still taking my anti-depressents and have another appointment with my psychiatrist on the 15th to discuss how long to take them etc. I am also seeing my counseller once a week.
Now I can't say which part of the recovery is working, but i sure as hell am not going to start experimenting to find out. There is no way i would have been able to stop for 10 weeks+ by myself, i wasted a lot of years trying!
Antabuse is a useful tool in the battle against alcoholism and one which should be given some thought. You should go to a counseller, IMO, rather than a doctor who will refer you to a psychiatrist who will then make sure, as much as he/she can, that you are not going to take the drug and then try and down a half bottle of scotch which could potentially kill you!
I have posted this before but my friend was on antabuse, he downed a can of large beer and we found him on the floor sweating, covered in red blotches and he had pood himself. We called the ambulance and the paramedics, after finding out what he had done and the meds he was on, told him to drink lots of water and not to drink whilst on antabuse (they obviously did the usual tests whilst they were there too!). The point is that if you take a swig of alcohol it will cause a very unpleasant side effect which is the whole point of the deterrant, it will not kill you unless you are trying to do yourself harm and down a half bottle of spirits before the effects of the meds make you ill.
I was given anti-depressants 7 years ago which i did not take, and have talked about antabuse for the last few years. Now it was my time to waste and i don't regret it, all i am doing is pointing out to anyone that stumbles across this post on a search for antabuse is that it does work, it won't kill you and it could mean the difference between getting sober now or coming back, even worse off, and getting sober in a couple/several years.
Obviously the drug helps you stay sober and does not tackle the disease of alcoholism which you will need to address as well through AA, counselling, SR...whatever you find works for you. But as my psychiatrist told me...we can help you but only if you do not drink anymore, if you keep drinking we can't help you...quite clear i thought!
Point...I am taking antabuse and it does work!
Please see Disulfiram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for more information
Good luck on your journey:-)
I was drinking everyday and was starting to plan how to end my life when i decided to try one very last time to get some help. After finding an English speaking Counseller in Spain I booked an appointment. She referred me to the psychiatrict and he prescribed me 3 drugs:
1. Seroxat (Paxil) as i had taken a text and was chronic on most areas, anxiety, depression etc.
2. Antabuse to provide a barrier to having that first drink
3. A med used to detox and for anxiety (highly addictive, I did not take this one)
Back to antabuse. I have been sober for just over 10 weeks now from drinking everyday. I still have my job and it has been commented on how much my work has changed and it is quite obvious that i was nearing the point where they were losing all patience with me and still live in a wonderful house in Spain.
Without the antabuse i would have found this time more difficult as it provides a reason, a good one, for me not to drink at that given time. The drug lasts up to 48 hours in your system so as soon as you have a craving there is a thought process which would be that I want a drink but i can't have a drink right now otherwise the effects of the drug would make me ill. It is possible to stop taking the drug and then go out and get drunk in 48 hours but the craving is for the moment and not something that i think about logically, so it works.
I take one tablet every morning which is easy for me as i was always an afternoon drinker. Maybe if you are used to having your first drink at 9am this would be more difficult, but that was never my pattern of drinking.
There are no known side effects to the drug and it is completely non-addictive, you can stop taking the drug at anytime and have no withdrawl syptoms whatsoever. These are all facts!
I am still taking my anti-depressents and have another appointment with my psychiatrist on the 15th to discuss how long to take them etc. I am also seeing my counseller once a week.
Now I can't say which part of the recovery is working, but i sure as hell am not going to start experimenting to find out. There is no way i would have been able to stop for 10 weeks+ by myself, i wasted a lot of years trying!
Antabuse is a useful tool in the battle against alcoholism and one which should be given some thought. You should go to a counseller, IMO, rather than a doctor who will refer you to a psychiatrist who will then make sure, as much as he/she can, that you are not going to take the drug and then try and down a half bottle of scotch which could potentially kill you!
I have posted this before but my friend was on antabuse, he downed a can of large beer and we found him on the floor sweating, covered in red blotches and he had pood himself. We called the ambulance and the paramedics, after finding out what he had done and the meds he was on, told him to drink lots of water and not to drink whilst on antabuse (they obviously did the usual tests whilst they were there too!). The point is that if you take a swig of alcohol it will cause a very unpleasant side effect which is the whole point of the deterrant, it will not kill you unless you are trying to do yourself harm and down a half bottle of spirits before the effects of the meds make you ill.
I was given anti-depressants 7 years ago which i did not take, and have talked about antabuse for the last few years. Now it was my time to waste and i don't regret it, all i am doing is pointing out to anyone that stumbles across this post on a search for antabuse is that it does work, it won't kill you and it could mean the difference between getting sober now or coming back, even worse off, and getting sober in a couple/several years.
Obviously the drug helps you stay sober and does not tackle the disease of alcoholism which you will need to address as well through AA, counselling, SR...whatever you find works for you. But as my psychiatrist told me...we can help you but only if you do not drink anymore, if you keep drinking we can't help you...quite clear i thought!
Point...I am taking antabuse and it does work!
Please see Disulfiram - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia for more information
Good luck on your journey:-)
New comer
Hi I am Lisa an alcoholic/addict and this is my first posting. I am 43 years old and this is my third time back into AA. 1st time I went to treatment I did it to help me out in court, the second time I went to treatment it was because I was homeless. This last time I did it just for me. I have finally accepted that I am an alcoholic and am powerless. I have had many problems because of drinking, first time I ever drank I was sexually assaulted, three arrests for 3rd degree assault, one DUI, one drug parafella charge, and destruction of property charge. I shaddered my ankle while in a black out. I could go on and on. What brought me back was my last drunk I left my house and went to the bar and did not get home until 4am. The bars here close at 1:00am. I got to the bar at 11, so basically I was in a black out for 5 hours. I have no idea where I went or how I got home. I broke my husband's heart. Good news is today I have 50 days of sobriety, a sponsor and doing 90 meetings in 90 days. I am working on step one with my sponsor--she is great. I love to share and hear other people's stories. Glad to be here!,:c009:
Quit three days ago, wierd symptoms!
Hi all,
This is my first posting. I have been reading the forums for some time now, B/c of my desire to quit. I did for five days, two weeks ago, but didn't stick with it drank for another drink. I was a pretty heavy drinker: every day and sometimes in the morning. Drink of choice - vodka.
I cannot wait for the wierd symptoms to end! Both last time and this time I am miserable. At some times I feel like running out to get a bottle to make the symptom just go away.Can anyone identify with these?:
Super-itchyness all over my body, mostly in the night and mornings.
Body twitchess out of nowhere. Again, mostly at night.
Bright yellow diarreha (sorry I know it is gross, but what the heck is going on?)
Lack of appetite.
Of course I have the shakes and the anxiety, but the first part of the list I don't understand.
I am going to AA, but there are some things I would rather talk about in anonymity (as in the third one above)
I look forward to hearing from you!
This is my first posting. I have been reading the forums for some time now, B/c of my desire to quit. I did for five days, two weeks ago, but didn't stick with it drank for another drink. I was a pretty heavy drinker: every day and sometimes in the morning. Drink of choice - vodka.
I cannot wait for the wierd symptoms to end! Both last time and this time I am miserable. At some times I feel like running out to get a bottle to make the symptom just go away.Can anyone identify with these?:
Super-itchyness all over my body, mostly in the night and mornings.
Body twitchess out of nowhere. Again, mostly at night.
Bright yellow diarreha (sorry I know it is gross, but what the heck is going on?)
Lack of appetite.
Of course I have the shakes and the anxiety, but the first part of the list I don't understand.
I am going to AA, but there are some things I would rather talk about in anonymity (as in the third one above)
I look forward to hearing from you!
Happy New Year! Don’t anyone give up on yourself!!!
Just checking in and wanted to say that as I did move out back in November and with each day, I am more at peace, find myself in good moods constantly. There is light at the end of the tunnel. I thought my life was doomed and I'd never find a way out or have courage. Me being driven to insanity is what gave me that push that I needed to get out. (I should've left years ago). I have not felt this happy and good in years. I'm thinking since 2001 is the last time I was happy. That was all BEFORE he started doing cocaine.
Sometimes it a leap of faith when you make that jump, but no matter what anyone choses, just don't ever give up on yourself!!!
Happy New Year to everyone!!! (When I think of what I have been through, I feel like I was in the Vietnam War).
Sometimes it a leap of faith when you make that jump, but no matter what anyone choses, just don't ever give up on yourself!!!
Happy New Year to everyone!!! (When I think of what I have been through, I feel like I was in the Vietnam War).
Heading in the right direction
:nyxSo once again it has been a few weeks since I last posted. Maybe a little longer, not quite sure. The last time I wrote to you, I let you know that instead of being an effected other, an enabler and a major co-dependent, I was writing to you as an addict.
About nine months ago, I fell in love with a drug addict. His DOC was painkillers. When I met him, he was on the suboxone program. He abused the suboxone, would run out early and use in between refills. Somehow, his doctor kept giving him more chances. I think he really wanted to see him succeed.
Well, in September, I couldn?t handle the addiction anymore. The obsessing and constantly worrying if he was going to kill himself was literally killing me. I ended up trying to kill myself. That was a huge wake up for me?..but?.obviously not a strong enough wake up.
The end of October we found an adorable house to rent together. Approximately a week after moving in, he asked to go buy some cocaine. My thought was, hey, go ahead. As long as I know what you are doing. Then I made the dumb mistake of asking to try it. That was all it took. I ended up getting very addicted to cocaine. I fell very far behind on all of my bills, our relationship was going down the drain, I pawned all of my beautiful jewelry, I lost myself and to top it off??I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my daughter. And to think, I even stayed with him after to try to get him clean?.STILL!!!
Well, with the help of a very special friend on SR, my family and my very understanding ex-husband, I?ve turned around and am heading in the right direction again.
By taking some very good advice, I was able to stop using cocaine. I never thought I would be able to but I?m realizing that I?m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
I FINALLY left my addict boyfriend. I think that was harder than anything. I loved him so much and still do but I also realize with the help of my therapist, family and friends that my love for him was more of an addiction. So?.because of that, I have to treat him like a recovering addict would treat drugs?..stay FAR AWAY!!!!! I have no contact with him now and everyday is getting better.
What I am most excited about is that I have my beautiful little girl back. I?m still learning again to be the Mom that I once was. It is going to take time to rebuild our relationship and for her to trust me completely?..to trust that I will be there for her.
And now, I?ve joined a gym and am looking to not just get clean from drugs but to improve my overall mental and physical well being. I have so much life to look forward to and I don?t want to wait around to find it just passed me by.
So, I know this was quite lengthy but I just wanted to update you all and say thank you so much for your endless support, your encouragement and your wisdom. I am so grateful that I stumbled on this site back in July. I have found so much good advice, met great friends and learned a lot about addiction.
Well, part of being healthy is getting a good night?s sleep so I am headed to bed. Thanks again everyone! Talk soon
Hugs,
About nine months ago, I fell in love with a drug addict. His DOC was painkillers. When I met him, he was on the suboxone program. He abused the suboxone, would run out early and use in between refills. Somehow, his doctor kept giving him more chances. I think he really wanted to see him succeed.
Well, in September, I couldn?t handle the addiction anymore. The obsessing and constantly worrying if he was going to kill himself was literally killing me. I ended up trying to kill myself. That was a huge wake up for me?..but?.obviously not a strong enough wake up.
The end of October we found an adorable house to rent together. Approximately a week after moving in, he asked to go buy some cocaine. My thought was, hey, go ahead. As long as I know what you are doing. Then I made the dumb mistake of asking to try it. That was all it took. I ended up getting very addicted to cocaine. I fell very far behind on all of my bills, our relationship was going down the drain, I pawned all of my beautiful jewelry, I lost myself and to top it off??I lost the most important person in my life. I lost my daughter. And to think, I even stayed with him after to try to get him clean?.STILL!!!
Well, with the help of a very special friend on SR, my family and my very understanding ex-husband, I?ve turned around and am heading in the right direction again.
By taking some very good advice, I was able to stop using cocaine. I never thought I would be able to but I?m realizing that I?m a lot stronger than I give myself credit for.
I FINALLY left my addict boyfriend. I think that was harder than anything. I loved him so much and still do but I also realize with the help of my therapist, family and friends that my love for him was more of an addiction. So?.because of that, I have to treat him like a recovering addict would treat drugs?..stay FAR AWAY!!!!! I have no contact with him now and everyday is getting better.
What I am most excited about is that I have my beautiful little girl back. I?m still learning again to be the Mom that I once was. It is going to take time to rebuild our relationship and for her to trust me completely?..to trust that I will be there for her.
And now, I?ve joined a gym and am looking to not just get clean from drugs but to improve my overall mental and physical well being. I have so much life to look forward to and I don?t want to wait around to find it just passed me by.
So, I know this was quite lengthy but I just wanted to update you all and say thank you so much for your endless support, your encouragement and your wisdom. I am so grateful that I stumbled on this site back in July. I have found so much good advice, met great friends and learned a lot about addiction.
Well, part of being healthy is getting a good night?s sleep so I am headed to bed. Thanks again everyone! Talk soon
Hugs,
Happy New Year, I have hope for you newcomers.
Hi, I would like to recite a post I made on the alcoholism forums so you newcomers can see what my life has been like without alcohol for the past 6 months, for it hasn't been pleasant but I've managed to stay sober. Here goes, this is a post from the alcoholism forums I posted also.
"Amazing, the things that have happened to me ever since I tried to stop drinking which would trigger drinking, let me list them to show to you all that there is hope even with stress to not drink...
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL "
And so there it is. I hope it gives you all some hope =)
"Amazing, the things that have happened to me ever since I tried to stop drinking which would trigger drinking, let me list them to show to you all that there is hope even with stress to not drink...
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL "
And so there it is. I hope it gives you all some hope =)
First New Years without drinking in a while.
Amazing, the things that have happened to me ever since I tried to stop drinking which would trigger drinking, let me list them to show to you all that there is hope even with stress to not drink...
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink :)
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL :nyg :nyai
Around Juneish I got rejected by a woman I really liked mentally and physically *I never have had a relationship in my life also so it would have been my first time* and I was close to relapsing but I did not.
Around October I lost my Neopets account, this flipped me out because I had it so long and I loved it, however I did not drink.
Insecurities/mental anguish/depression/stress/life problems- This occurs all year around really and can occur a lot... depression spikes, anxiety attacks, life troubles as in lamentations of what I could be, what COULD be and what isn't etc... my insecurity about being an autistic retard... how numb I feel sometimes mentally, always getting off a medication or something, and throughout all those 6 months, no drinking. *I should add there's a lot of alcohol in the house so therefore it's even easier to go back to drinking*
Holidays- All the holidays... especially tonight, I did not drink. Amazing. Willpower and not needing that poison even though I will admit it was my brain's friend once, but that is a lie, it's a true poison that fakes you into something like a hustler...
Domestic Disturbances-I have had some domestic disturbances orally with my grandfather as I listed on the site before but that doesn't happen much anymore but the LAST TIME I DRANK on June 14thish was when my former stepfather who is on parole screamed at me and pointed his finger at me and was going crazy and making me feel bad, which was actually making my left arm ache, my head feel dizzy and pounding with blood, I felt short of breath and almost like I was dying, that's when I drank LAST *but that was before I started my 200 day campaign* And now even with all other Domestic Disturbances/etc I do not drink, so, good.
PSP- My psp broke and it has been making me crazy because I've wanted something installed on it for a while badly and I'm too stupid to follow guides/faqs so it was difficult, but I did not... drink :)
Computer- The biggest thing and IRONICALLY OCCURS ON NEW YEARS EVE, my computer which I've used well for nearly 3 years finally gets a major virus *which be careful all I suggest get AVG and keep it on at all times* anyway, and LUCKILY I was able to save my important files that I thought I would NOT have been able to save in the first place! So... therefore in conclusion, ... it was a successful year in sobriety.
Bless you all and Happy New Year, hope to see you later today in... 19 hours for my New Years Day Meeting! PEACE TO YOU ALL :nyg :nyai
Confused and Disappointed with Myself.. (Long)
Well, I don't really know what I'm doing or thinking about this entire situation. I thought I was doing so well in my program, getting my life on track.. To update: the last time I posted, I'd discovered that my addict fiancé (DOC crack) had stolen from me, so I tried to kick him out by dropping him off at Salvation Army but he refused to get out of the car. I decided to leave him...
But I'm still here, things have become so bad -- and yet I find myself now actually believing that *this* time he "really means it" and 2009 is "our year". My head knows this is total BS. I feel like I've been hypnotized or am having some kind of out-of-body experience: I can see myself doing/saying/thinking stuff, but am completely in shock at myself for thinking that anything will be different. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes"..
I know I'm a smart, logical woman but I did everything stupid in the past month: bought 1 drug test and it tested positive, and he actually had me convinced that it was the "paint fumes" that may have screwed up the test, so I went a bought a 2nd one, which tested positive (of course), and then believed him when he cried and said he would stop;; On Christmas, he bought me a 10,000-piece puzzle ($5) as my gift, after I'd seen work-checks for hundreds of dollars pass thru his hands for drugs in the past 2 weeks and him saying he was going to buying me something "precious";; and the day after Christmas he finally "came clean" because he wanted us to "start 2009 fresh" by finally admitting that 9-days prior he pawned my iPod -- and then had the nerve to get angry at *me* for being totally humiliated at waiting in line with him to buy back MY OWN iPOD!!
...And now he is telling me that he needs to payback his drug dealer $40 for some crack he bought "a couple months ago".. I'm so angry. I want to say, "Hey jerk, why don't you pay me pack for the PAWNSHOP ticket first!"
But the biggest question and confusion for me is: WHY AM I STILL HERE? I had such good intentions and initial follow-thru to walk out the door. WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP? Just when I muster all logic and strength to toss him out, I'm bedazzled by his BS, and am back to square-one. WHY DO I BELIEVE HIM? My head knows it's all lies, but my heart wants to live in complete denial of Reality. HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF MY EYES?
I just need to vent. I feel like I'm brain-washed: I can see what I'm doing, but cannot believe it's me doing it. Why am I still on this Circus ride. Any feedback is welcome. Please tell me what's going on with me.. Similar experiences to share and resolutions?.. anything...?
:e136:
But I'm still here, things have become so bad -- and yet I find myself now actually believing that *this* time he "really means it" and 2009 is "our year". My head knows this is total BS. I feel like I've been hypnotized or am having some kind of out-of-body experience: I can see myself doing/saying/thinking stuff, but am completely in shock at myself for thinking that anything will be different. "Nothing changes, if nothing changes"..
I know I'm a smart, logical woman but I did everything stupid in the past month: bought 1 drug test and it tested positive, and he actually had me convinced that it was the "paint fumes" that may have screwed up the test, so I went a bought a 2nd one, which tested positive (of course), and then believed him when he cried and said he would stop;; On Christmas, he bought me a 10,000-piece puzzle ($5) as my gift, after I'd seen work-checks for hundreds of dollars pass thru his hands for drugs in the past 2 weeks and him saying he was going to buying me something "precious";; and the day after Christmas he finally "came clean" because he wanted us to "start 2009 fresh" by finally admitting that 9-days prior he pawned my iPod -- and then had the nerve to get angry at *me* for being totally humiliated at waiting in line with him to buy back MY OWN iPOD!!
...And now he is telling me that he needs to payback his drug dealer $40 for some crack he bought "a couple months ago".. I'm so angry. I want to say, "Hey jerk, why don't you pay me pack for the PAWNSHOP ticket first!"
But the biggest question and confusion for me is: WHY AM I STILL HERE? I had such good intentions and initial follow-thru to walk out the door. WHY DO I PUT UP WITH THIS CRAP? Just when I muster all logic and strength to toss him out, I'm bedazzled by his BS, and am back to square-one. WHY DO I BELIEVE HIM? My head knows it's all lies, but my heart wants to live in complete denial of Reality. HOW CAN I NOT BELIEVE WHAT IS IN FRONT OF MY EYES?
I just need to vent. I feel like I'm brain-washed: I can see what I'm doing, but cannot believe it's me doing it. Why am I still on this Circus ride. Any feedback is welcome. Please tell me what's going on with me.. Similar experiences to share and resolutions?.. anything...?
:e136:
Stranded…
Well, here I go again. I have posted in the past about my abf. He partially moved out two weeks ago and is staying at his moms. He has come over a couple of times within the last two weeks, and the last time was Friday. He helped shovel the 3 feet of snow in the driveway and stayed the night. Things were a bit awkward...he wasn't being affectionate at all, every time I sat near him, he got up and moved, we didn't even kiss (let alone sex), and he just felt distant. I confronted him and asked what was wrong. He said he was tired and exhausted from shoveling snow for the past 48 hrs and didn't feel like being affectionate. I got upset and told him that all I wanted was a kiss or a hug every once in a while to let me know he loved me. I am an affectionate type of person. Well, I thought that we had gotten through that, but the drama continues.
He left Saturday evening and we talked on the phone before he went to bed and then we talked in the afternoon on Sunday. He said he would call me back the last time we talked and well I was up until 3 am worrying about him cause he didn't call. He finally calls at 5:45 am Monday morning on his way to work. He was in a bad mood, so we didn't talk much. We talked Monday evening and night, but the calls were quick. I was ok with that because I thought that he was just tired and needed to get some sleep.
Well, Tuesday morning comes along and I am still stranded at home due to the additional snow we got Sunday-Monday. I don't have a penny on me, so I can't pay anyone to plow me out. I donate plasma twice a week for money and haven't been able to do that and the bills are piling up. (I have been out of work for the past 6 weeks and I have no way to pay rent for January...another story) So with all this stress, I have been extremely depressed and hysterical at times. My abf hasn't offered to come over and help me out of the snow and to make things worse, I didn't hear from him all day until 8 pm. He knows that I am stranded and depressed and he doesn't call to check on me or to see if I am ok, which really upset me. He called right when my dad got here, so I had to call him back. I called him back and he didn't answer at first, but he called me back and to find out he was up at his buddies place since he got off work at 5 or 6. He proceeded to tell me he was going to go home and crash. I asked him if that meant he didn't want to talk and he said that he needed to go and cut me off without saying "I love you" which he always does. So I call him right back and ask him why he didn't say I love you and he said there were people around, which has never been a problem before. Well that left me thinking that there must have been a female in the room and he didn't want her to hear it or maybe I am just making that up, I don't know. So he once again cut me short and hasn't called me and it's 10 pm. I know that he is at home and passed out by now.
This has left me feeling that I do not matter to him and that he doesn't love me, that his work is more important to him, that he can't take 2 minutes out of his day to call and see how I am doing, I am not worth the time, HIS time. I am almost at the end of my rope with him. I love him so much, but I am getting hurt more and more each day. I mean it's almost Christmas and I know that we won't be spending the day or part of the day together, but will he even call and wish me a Merry Christmas?? I know I sound pathetic and that I should just let him go and forget about him, but it is easier said then done. I want our relationship to work out, but then again I don't want to keep getting hurt. I am at across road and I have no idea what to do. I know what most of you will say which is let go and get over him, but I don't know if I can. Will I ever know when the right time for me to let go or stay?? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this post is so long.
He left Saturday evening and we talked on the phone before he went to bed and then we talked in the afternoon on Sunday. He said he would call me back the last time we talked and well I was up until 3 am worrying about him cause he didn't call. He finally calls at 5:45 am Monday morning on his way to work. He was in a bad mood, so we didn't talk much. We talked Monday evening and night, but the calls were quick. I was ok with that because I thought that he was just tired and needed to get some sleep.
Well, Tuesday morning comes along and I am still stranded at home due to the additional snow we got Sunday-Monday. I don't have a penny on me, so I can't pay anyone to plow me out. I donate plasma twice a week for money and haven't been able to do that and the bills are piling up. (I have been out of work for the past 6 weeks and I have no way to pay rent for January...another story) So with all this stress, I have been extremely depressed and hysterical at times. My abf hasn't offered to come over and help me out of the snow and to make things worse, I didn't hear from him all day until 8 pm. He knows that I am stranded and depressed and he doesn't call to check on me or to see if I am ok, which really upset me. He called right when my dad got here, so I had to call him back. I called him back and he didn't answer at first, but he called me back and to find out he was up at his buddies place since he got off work at 5 or 6. He proceeded to tell me he was going to go home and crash. I asked him if that meant he didn't want to talk and he said that he needed to go and cut me off without saying "I love you" which he always does. So I call him right back and ask him why he didn't say I love you and he said there were people around, which has never been a problem before. Well that left me thinking that there must have been a female in the room and he didn't want her to hear it or maybe I am just making that up, I don't know. So he once again cut me short and hasn't called me and it's 10 pm. I know that he is at home and passed out by now.
This has left me feeling that I do not matter to him and that he doesn't love me, that his work is more important to him, that he can't take 2 minutes out of his day to call and see how I am doing, I am not worth the time, HIS time. I am almost at the end of my rope with him. I love him so much, but I am getting hurt more and more each day. I mean it's almost Christmas and I know that we won't be spending the day or part of the day together, but will he even call and wish me a Merry Christmas?? I know I sound pathetic and that I should just let him go and forget about him, but it is easier said then done. I want our relationship to work out, but then again I don't want to keep getting hurt. I am at across road and I have no idea what to do. I know what most of you will say which is let go and get over him, but I don't know if I can. Will I ever know when the right time for me to let go or stay?? Please, any advice would be greatly appreciated. Sorry this post is so long.
