Archive for the ‘Lawyers’ tag
He still thinks there is hope for us
Even after a rough day (AH visited the children).
He still keeps on saying..."Maybe one day we can be together again"
He has agreed to giving me full custody of the kids.
He is still taking the methdone. He's going to ask the DR. to fax me the results of his drug testing. He has agreed to drug testing every week to see the kids forever.
(how expensive is that going to be? (canada)!!!!!!!!!!!!is that even possible?)
He's started looking for a job, even asked if I could pack another suitcase for him with his 'work clothes'.
I will not get back together. But should I REALLY SCREAM that it is over.
I say it is and he moved out and i'm going to the lawyers etc...
He says He KNOWS it's over but he wants/needs to hope that maybe one day....
Do I take away his hope? THis soon?
Should I just let it fade and maybe he'll be ok with it? If he looses hope will he give up the fight?
He still keeps on saying..."Maybe one day we can be together again"
He has agreed to giving me full custody of the kids.
He is still taking the methdone. He's going to ask the DR. to fax me the results of his drug testing. He has agreed to drug testing every week to see the kids forever.
(how expensive is that going to be? (canada)!!!!!!!!!!!!is that even possible?)
He's started looking for a job, even asked if I could pack another suitcase for him with his 'work clothes'.
I will not get back together. But should I REALLY SCREAM that it is over.
I say it is and he moved out and i'm going to the lawyers etc...
He says He KNOWS it's over but he wants/needs to hope that maybe one day....
Do I take away his hope? THis soon?
Should I just let it fade and maybe he'll be ok with it? If he looses hope will he give up the fight?
Do they all stick their heads in the sand? Now wants my help…
Is this common to alcoholics? (I'm pretty sure it is, just want some confirmation)
STBXAH has been an alcoholic since he was a young teen - first went to rehab at 15yo, he is now 40yo.
Anyhow.
Over the 14 years we were together, one of the things that frustrated me the most was whenever there was a problem to be dealt with that required any kind of real emotional energy or gumption, he would deal with it by not dealing with it. His most used phrase was "I can't control what anyone else does!"
Which is true. But.
You can take action. Which he never could do.
His exwife seriously physically and emotionally abused their children for YEARS. Which is why we got custody.
I was the one on the phone for hours with lawyers and social workers, I was the one taking all of the action that it seems any normal person would immediately take.
After we gained custody, exwife would still do alarming things, things that needed to be brought up and dealt with.
He could never really do any of it. He would say "I can't control what she does or doesn't do." Which, again, is true. BUT. There were things he could do. He always, always acted powerless.
Same thing with his mother. His mother disliked me from day one, though there were times over the years that we were (what I thought) close.
Anyhow, there were issues between me and her from day one and he never, ever could deal with them.
Things like the first Christmas we took all 6 (at the time) kids 6 hours to her home for the big family holiday get together. She told him to call her when we were 15 mins from her home. He did, it was then that she informed him that he was to bring his three children (her real grandkids) to her and then drop me and my three kids off at a local motel where she had made reservations, then he was to come back to her house to stay with her and his kids and the rest of the family.
That was the start of her rejection of me, and most hurtful of the daughter that STBXAH and I had together (her flesh and blood grandchild). She has been obsessive of the three "original" grandchildren, and totally rejects our child together for some reason I could NEVER figure out.
For all of those years, after all of the hurt and tears on my part, all of the talks and arguments, he still could never stand up to his mother and take up for his wife and child. Well, thats not entirely true. About 5 years ago, at my total insistancem he wrote her an email, worded as nicely as possible about the concerns. Her response was crazy and irate. Which immediately made him feel guilty and he ended up apologizing to her. And that was that.
Ironic thing is, is that she is a therapist and drug and alcohol counselor!!!!!!!!
When things between us started to get bad about 2.5 years ago, his older two children (now 15 and 20yo) wanted to go try and live with their bio mother. At the time I was very torn about this. They were causing problems, on top of the problems STBXAH was causing. In the end, it was his decision, and I guess the path of least resistance won out and so they moved back in with their bio mother. In a large way it broke my heart. I
had raised those kids for most of their lives and I knew they were going into a not so great situation. I rationalized by telling myself they were older now abd could pretty much take care of themselves. I had no rights, no ultimate say, so what was done was done.
The oldest, a boy, has been okay. He's not almost 21yo, works and as far as I can tell is a pretty good kid, with a decent head on his shoulders. I've been worried about the girl since the day she left.
Over the time she has been gone, things have alarmed me and I've brought them to STBXAH's attention. Again, he is powerless, can't control people, ect...
I've been telling him and telling him, having bad feelings about the things this girl was getting into (at 14yo she was arrested for shoplifting, was put on probation, while on probation she took ehr mothers car for a joy ride with friends and wrecked it, has missed a TON of school, they live near a ghetto area, with gangs, there were gang poses in pics of her and her friends posted on her myspace page, she was allowed to date a 19yo man, ect, ect, ect.....)
Well, now the 15yo girl is pregnant. I knew it would happen, my words have always been "she'll be pregnant by the time she's 15 if she's left there."
I feel guilty for ever having let her leave in the first place. At the time I was so stressed with living with an active alcoholic who was never, ever around, and when he was he was totally emotionally absent and a pretty bad parent.
I was trying to raise all 7 kids basically alone, with stepkids who were angry and they directed their anger at me.
So, now STBXAH wants my help. He wants me to be there for my stepdaughter. She's pretty much estranged from me. He says that can be turned around. I'm a former childbirth instructor, a birth doula (private brith coach), have worked with pregnant teens, ect....My interests are totally in birth and parenting, especially with high risk groups such as teens, low-income and minorities.
Dont get me wrong, I'd love to be there for my stepdaughter. But she's such a different child from when I knew her well last. I feel she's lost to the lifestyle she's in, and grieve for what she's losing as a young pregnant teen (I was pregnant at 18 so know a bit - but there is a big difference between 15yo and 18yo and we were totally different personalities, ect)
I want to talk to her and beg her to come live with me and my girls, her sisters, I want to take care of her and give her good guidance. But right now she's caught up in the fairytale of staying with the baby's father (17yo next door neighbor) and living happily ever after. We all know the odds of that happening.
I grieve the life this innocent little baby is going to be born into if she doesn't get the hell out of there.
I have been having dreams that STBXAH and I can get it together and get back together, convince her to move back in with us, help guide and nurture her through this pregnancy and parenting.
Thats what shoudl happen, thats what needs to happen.
The odds of it happening are close to none and that makes me really, really sad for all involved.
I dont know what advice or anything I'm asking for here, just needed to get this all out.
I know my "fantasy" is shared by STBXAH, as he told me so. He's not drank since Dec 1, after the huge blow out at Thanksgiving time where he spent Thanksgiving alone after our 11yo daughter didnt want to spend the holiday with him.
He also has gotten himself into talk to a counselor, has been twice, has started on antidepressants, ect......
I just dont see it lasting. I'm praying it does, maybe this will be the wake up call for him, I hope it is.
I'm just so mad at him for all the times he should have taken action on so many important things instead of running away emotionally and acting powerless. So mad at him for not taken approriate action so many times.
STBXAH has been an alcoholic since he was a young teen - first went to rehab at 15yo, he is now 40yo.
Anyhow.
Over the 14 years we were together, one of the things that frustrated me the most was whenever there was a problem to be dealt with that required any kind of real emotional energy or gumption, he would deal with it by not dealing with it. His most used phrase was "I can't control what anyone else does!"
Which is true. But.
You can take action. Which he never could do.
His exwife seriously physically and emotionally abused their children for YEARS. Which is why we got custody.
I was the one on the phone for hours with lawyers and social workers, I was the one taking all of the action that it seems any normal person would immediately take.
After we gained custody, exwife would still do alarming things, things that needed to be brought up and dealt with.
He could never really do any of it. He would say "I can't control what she does or doesn't do." Which, again, is true. BUT. There were things he could do. He always, always acted powerless.
Same thing with his mother. His mother disliked me from day one, though there were times over the years that we were (what I thought) close.
Anyhow, there were issues between me and her from day one and he never, ever could deal with them.
Things like the first Christmas we took all 6 (at the time) kids 6 hours to her home for the big family holiday get together. She told him to call her when we were 15 mins from her home. He did, it was then that she informed him that he was to bring his three children (her real grandkids) to her and then drop me and my three kids off at a local motel where she had made reservations, then he was to come back to her house to stay with her and his kids and the rest of the family.
That was the start of her rejection of me, and most hurtful of the daughter that STBXAH and I had together (her flesh and blood grandchild). She has been obsessive of the three "original" grandchildren, and totally rejects our child together for some reason I could NEVER figure out.
For all of those years, after all of the hurt and tears on my part, all of the talks and arguments, he still could never stand up to his mother and take up for his wife and child. Well, thats not entirely true. About 5 years ago, at my total insistancem he wrote her an email, worded as nicely as possible about the concerns. Her response was crazy and irate. Which immediately made him feel guilty and he ended up apologizing to her. And that was that.
Ironic thing is, is that she is a therapist and drug and alcohol counselor!!!!!!!!
When things between us started to get bad about 2.5 years ago, his older two children (now 15 and 20yo) wanted to go try and live with their bio mother. At the time I was very torn about this. They were causing problems, on top of the problems STBXAH was causing. In the end, it was his decision, and I guess the path of least resistance won out and so they moved back in with their bio mother. In a large way it broke my heart. I
had raised those kids for most of their lives and I knew they were going into a not so great situation. I rationalized by telling myself they were older now abd could pretty much take care of themselves. I had no rights, no ultimate say, so what was done was done.
The oldest, a boy, has been okay. He's not almost 21yo, works and as far as I can tell is a pretty good kid, with a decent head on his shoulders. I've been worried about the girl since the day she left.
Over the time she has been gone, things have alarmed me and I've brought them to STBXAH's attention. Again, he is powerless, can't control people, ect...
I've been telling him and telling him, having bad feelings about the things this girl was getting into (at 14yo she was arrested for shoplifting, was put on probation, while on probation she took ehr mothers car for a joy ride with friends and wrecked it, has missed a TON of school, they live near a ghetto area, with gangs, there were gang poses in pics of her and her friends posted on her myspace page, she was allowed to date a 19yo man, ect, ect, ect.....)
Well, now the 15yo girl is pregnant. I knew it would happen, my words have always been "she'll be pregnant by the time she's 15 if she's left there."
I feel guilty for ever having let her leave in the first place. At the time I was so stressed with living with an active alcoholic who was never, ever around, and when he was he was totally emotionally absent and a pretty bad parent.
I was trying to raise all 7 kids basically alone, with stepkids who were angry and they directed their anger at me.
So, now STBXAH wants my help. He wants me to be there for my stepdaughter. She's pretty much estranged from me. He says that can be turned around. I'm a former childbirth instructor, a birth doula (private brith coach), have worked with pregnant teens, ect....My interests are totally in birth and parenting, especially with high risk groups such as teens, low-income and minorities.
Dont get me wrong, I'd love to be there for my stepdaughter. But she's such a different child from when I knew her well last. I feel she's lost to the lifestyle she's in, and grieve for what she's losing as a young pregnant teen (I was pregnant at 18 so know a bit - but there is a big difference between 15yo and 18yo and we were totally different personalities, ect)
I want to talk to her and beg her to come live with me and my girls, her sisters, I want to take care of her and give her good guidance. But right now she's caught up in the fairytale of staying with the baby's father (17yo next door neighbor) and living happily ever after. We all know the odds of that happening.
I grieve the life this innocent little baby is going to be born into if she doesn't get the hell out of there.
I have been having dreams that STBXAH and I can get it together and get back together, convince her to move back in with us, help guide and nurture her through this pregnancy and parenting.
Thats what shoudl happen, thats what needs to happen.
The odds of it happening are close to none and that makes me really, really sad for all involved.
I dont know what advice or anything I'm asking for here, just needed to get this all out.
I know my "fantasy" is shared by STBXAH, as he told me so. He's not drank since Dec 1, after the huge blow out at Thanksgiving time where he spent Thanksgiving alone after our 11yo daughter didnt want to spend the holiday with him.
He also has gotten himself into talk to a counselor, has been twice, has started on antidepressants, ect......
I just dont see it lasting. I'm praying it does, maybe this will be the wake up call for him, I hope it is.
I'm just so mad at him for all the times he should have taken action on so many important things instead of running away emotionally and acting powerless. So mad at him for not taken approriate action so many times.
son flipped car last nite.got a call 4.30am from his mother saying son in hospital to
totaled car in hospital might be getting locked up.
later find out just getting checked out he & buddy are ok;thank god!!!! he called me at 2am I was sleeping so went to voice; he didn,t know cell was still on & I heard how they were going to say somebody cut them off. I think was driving to fast but im not sure till I go over the voice mail a few times. he did admit to having a few shots.
just found out windshield shattered axl bent over fence and some. needed 2 tow trucks to pull it out.he said one other person in suv but was 2.the story keeps changing.he wants to stay wiyh me for some time so he doesn't have to deal with his mother.this was serious ****,people could have died;big money on lawyers etc.etc.going to sneak a **** test on him.his mother now tells me his room reeks of booze & what else?
thank god it is not worse! anyway day 4 for me off to 9.30am meeting. I really need it. he is now sleeping then has to work later.
I am going to have a really good talk with him and bring him to a meeting sunday I have to stay c/s more than ever to set an example for him.
he says he was at a party for friend who turned 18.he is lucky he is not going to a funeral . thank
god for this site
later find out just getting checked out he & buddy are ok;thank god!!!! he called me at 2am I was sleeping so went to voice; he didn,t know cell was still on & I heard how they were going to say somebody cut them off. I think was driving to fast but im not sure till I go over the voice mail a few times. he did admit to having a few shots.
just found out windshield shattered axl bent over fence and some. needed 2 tow trucks to pull it out.he said one other person in suv but was 2.the story keeps changing.he wants to stay wiyh me for some time so he doesn't have to deal with his mother.this was serious ****,people could have died;big money on lawyers etc.etc.going to sneak a **** test on him.his mother now tells me his room reeks of booze & what else?
thank god it is not worse! anyway day 4 for me off to 9.30am meeting. I really need it. he is now sleeping then has to work later.
I am going to have a really good talk with him and bring him to a meeting sunday I have to stay c/s more than ever to set an example for him.
he says he was at a party for friend who turned 18.he is lucky he is not going to a funeral . thank
god for this site
How do I help?
My 30 year-old son needs help to treat his alchoholism. He has been an alchoholic nearly since out divorce, drinking heavily in high school and ever since My ex-wife (divorced for 20 years) wants to put him a private facility that starts with detox - $20k min. I can't afford it but want to help. How can I help without putting my self in financial problems?
My view is that my son needs to find the starting place. Mom can't come to the rescue and have dad write the check. I spoke to him about this and he agrees, but there is tension. I want him to find help now, not next week or next month. . Since they moved to another state almost immediately following the divorce I have been mostly a virtual part of his life, letters, cards, emails phone calls and the 2-3 times per year I go visit. He is closer to his mother, physically and emotionally.
My question for those that have gone through this how should I be thinking about this. Am I a jerk for be concerned about the financial aspect? (My current wife, who loves my son, if definitely NOT in favor of forking over money). I have done this in the past, paying lawyers to fight DUI's, helping with living expenses when jobs were lost, etc. When money is needed I get the first call. Is it OK to put this on him? I want him to find help, make it happen. I'll help, but I can't be the blank check guy. Please give me your thoughts, no matter what.
thank you
My view is that my son needs to find the starting place. Mom can't come to the rescue and have dad write the check. I spoke to him about this and he agrees, but there is tension. I want him to find help now, not next week or next month. . Since they moved to another state almost immediately following the divorce I have been mostly a virtual part of his life, letters, cards, emails phone calls and the 2-3 times per year I go visit. He is closer to his mother, physically and emotionally.
My question for those that have gone through this how should I be thinking about this. Am I a jerk for be concerned about the financial aspect? (My current wife, who loves my son, if definitely NOT in favor of forking over money). I have done this in the past, paying lawyers to fight DUI's, helping with living expenses when jobs were lost, etc. When money is needed I get the first call. Is it OK to put this on him? I want him to find help, make it happen. I'll help, but I can't be the blank check guy. Please give me your thoughts, no matter what.
thank you
The Process of Divorce
I'm looking for some nuts-and-bolts info. about the process of divorce. If STB-ex and I agree on the terms, and file, what happens next? Do we have just one court date in front of a judge? Does anyone need to be there other than the two of us? With a child involved, if we agree to a parenting plan, is it that cut and dried? Basically, I'm trying to find out if this process can be eased if the two parties agree on all the terms, because it looks like that's where we'll be. I think we can avoid lawyers, so will one be assigned to us?
Forgiveness, and/or Do I have to? Revisited.
Hi All,
I read CMC's thread on Do I have to? Regarding forgiving others. I've also read the Bible passage he mentioned as well. I have been struggling with this very thing for a couple of months now.
I know I need to forgive my wife for wanting a divorce. I know it and I know my part in all of it. I know that I need to forgive myself and her. I can be on my own and think and can put it all into proper perspective and think I'm close to succeeding and then I fail. Invariably, I fail.
I have not yet learned to accept our 22 year old relationship ending. I find myself still in disbelief that all of this is happening, and it's been SEVEN months in the making and I simply still can't believe we're ending... we were supposed to be forever. Forever.
We are still in the same house together, thanks to our respective lawyers and it makes is so hard to get past all of this. I see her... how easy this is for her, how matter of fact it all is... and I get angry, a deep wounded anger and I can't let it go, I try mightily and I pray on it daily. I have days that I think I'm past it but invariably I get caught up in it again. I feel like a Hamster running on that wheel, round and round but getting nowhere.
Well what's the point of all of this? Well it's making me feel better to post this and get it all out there. Secondly if anyone can help me with this whether through advice or maybe some more scripture, I would greatly appreciate it. P.S. On the upside I'm still sober through all of this!
Wishing you all a good day,
John
I read CMC's thread on Do I have to? Regarding forgiving others. I've also read the Bible passage he mentioned as well. I have been struggling with this very thing for a couple of months now.
I know I need to forgive my wife for wanting a divorce. I know it and I know my part in all of it. I know that I need to forgive myself and her. I can be on my own and think and can put it all into proper perspective and think I'm close to succeeding and then I fail. Invariably, I fail.
I have not yet learned to accept our 22 year old relationship ending. I find myself still in disbelief that all of this is happening, and it's been SEVEN months in the making and I simply still can't believe we're ending... we were supposed to be forever. Forever.
We are still in the same house together, thanks to our respective lawyers and it makes is so hard to get past all of this. I see her... how easy this is for her, how matter of fact it all is... and I get angry, a deep wounded anger and I can't let it go, I try mightily and I pray on it daily. I have days that I think I'm past it but invariably I get caught up in it again. I feel like a Hamster running on that wheel, round and round but getting nowhere.
Well what's the point of all of this? Well it's making me feel better to post this and get it all out there. Secondly if anyone can help me with this whether through advice or maybe some more scripture, I would greatly appreciate it. P.S. On the upside I'm still sober through all of this!
Wishing you all a good day,
John
