Drug Rehab Options Blog

Here is what has been happening for the last year or so.

I drink, wicked hang-over the next day, can usually go to sleep fine that night. The next day I feel worse, but can't sleep. I stay up all night or finally fall sleep at around 6am which pushes me into a vampire sleep schedule which can last up to two weeks (or until I drink again).
I've been on this nasty cycle for weeks now and I'm tired of it.
I would stay up all night and day until I can get to sleep at a decent hour but sometimes that doesn't work- I get my second wind just around the perfect time to go to sleep comes.

I think I am going to wean myself off coffee and not drink any after 5pm.
I also heard that Kava Kava works well.
I refuse to take any sleep aids or medications, I'm deathly afraid of getting hooked on them. I took Tylenol PM three times in one month and even that scares me.

Thanks,

LD

For some reason I remember hearing that the presence of black mold in a home or in a building can cause brain damage. Now I realized that there has been a correlation to my anxiety and places where I have been where there was black mold.
In some area's of my apartment building, there is mold growth inside the walls from water leaks (the management refuses to fix this though, as he insists there are no health risks to it) and this is where my panic attacks started.

An apartment building where my sister lived had *severe* black mold and this is where my panic attacks went into overdrive and often sent me to the emergency room.

A good friend of mine started having panic attacks and had to move out of his apartment because of black mold growth. He's fine now.

Has anyone else heard of this?

LD

Yesterday was an awful day, nothing felt good, not even this board.
I decided to drink and I went to the store to buy some wine and I went there and stood there looking over the many choices for what seemed like eternity. I walked out with coffee and some chocolate. Then I remembered I had this very tiny bottle of champagne at home from awhile ago and drank it. It was awful, tasted horrible, I didn't get drunk nor did I have any inclination to buy more.
Though this doesn't mean I can control my drinking.
I have done this before (rarely). I guess I am back to Day 1, but it doesn't feel like it. I know what many will say, but I just didn't want to feel as though I'm being deceptive as long as I am still on here.

Thanks,

LD

This phrase has been going through my head constantly over the last couple of days. Maybe it's part of my OCD (recurring thoughts/phrases going over and over in my head) but it's really starting to make sense to me in my recovery.

I don't even know where the phrase came from or what it exactly means (haven't Googled it yet, which is very unusual for me!) but as I read posts and re-visit my own personal drunk-alogue and hear people telling very simple stories in very complicated ways, I understand what it means.
It's not who or what or how it happened, my disease/dysfunction/disorder (or whatever we like to call addiction) simply *is*.

Does this make any sense to anyone? Sorry, I'm very sleep-deprived today and I'm pretty loopy right now.

LD

I had a very strong urge to drink tonight and while I'm really glad I didn't go through with it, I was wondering when the cravings start to go away for people.

Thanks in advance. I hope everyone had a nice holiday.

LD

This thursday I start seeing a new counselor through a state mental health clinic (fourth counselor in four years). I'm really crossing my fingers she and I will work out and last this time around. I've had many failures in therapy, showing up hung-over every time and not remembering a thing we talked about and thus wasting both our time, or hating the location and flaking out on appointments, or being sucked into trying out some machine that is supposedly supposed to change my brain chemistry instead of dealing with the issues through talking.

I want to be prepared and organized with what I tell my new counselor and not just rattle off all my issues and concerns without any real plan or destination. I am not sure what I say in order of importance, my drinking? My childhood/family stuff? The past five years?
Sometimes the first couple of sessions are the most difficult emotionally, because I bring up alot of stuff that I rarely talk about and I leave the office feeling as though I've been run-over by a car, but in a good way, if that makes sense.

And what I'm really struggling with is bringing up the Alcohol issue. It's not that I'm trying to deny or minimize it, it just has been my experience that some counselors will prioritize that as being the main problem, while I tend to think it's a symptom of a larger problem (as well as being genetically and environmentally pre-disposed to it). I've had telephone screenings with counselors and the minute I mention the Alcohol they go "Oh, well in THAT case..." and switch me over to someone else entirely. So I don't want that to be the major focus as the be-all-end-all of my problems.

Has anyone had this experience with counselors and the alcoholism issue? How do you go about your first session and what worked, didn't work?

Thanks in advance,

LD

I am new to the forum and I thank the people who started and contribute their experiences to it.

Reading through the TOS I am careful to ask for some direction without triggering someone or getting too descriptive, so with that in mind, please be patient with my questions.

I became involved with a man I met about a year ago. He was divorced after a long term marriage and has a teen daughter whom lived with him when they divorced, but then moved in with her mother.

I was aware he had been addicted to hydro during his marriage, after a prescription for an injury several yrs ago. He struggled with addiction and went to rehab the first time on his mother's $ only to w/d from the program. The counselors told him he would be back.

He lost his job and relapsed. He was depressed and his wife went back to work to support the family. He doctor shopped for his script and fell into his self described depressive hell. He was crying all the time and in bed daily. Unable to live a normal productive life. He claims his wife paid no attention to his depression and addiction. I do not know how much of his account of her is due to his hystrionic personality.

His mother paid for him to go to rehab a second time. This time he was treated with opioids and again, described the hell he experienced as a result of his coming off the drugs. He got to a point where he did not want to leave the safety of rehab. But eventually he did and went home.

His wife filed for divorce after 20 yrs. They had agreed to stay in the home together for one yr and pay off the bills and carefully design the divorce so as not to hurt their teen...., but he was involved with someone online in a LD relationship and his wife decided to file then and not wait out a yr. He was angry.

I met him while he was with this lady who was clear across the US that he was having an online relationship with. He and she were fighting constantly and having text messaging wars non stop. She was addicted to furocet (sp?) and other script drugs. At one point he was ordering them online for her. She had lost custody of her 5 kids and lived with her mother. He wanted her to move here and help her with her addiction by cutting her back on her meds. Well she wanted her own room in his home and that kind of should have served as one more red flag for him. So that relationship crashed and burned. He had met her ONCE and their time as a couple was limited to three months.

He and I met and I liked him. He was funny and I was not well versed in addiction whatsoever so I was naive to say the least. I told him I had taken hydro once for a wk for a broken bone. I said it made me feel NORMAL and happy but I researched it and realized it was a bad thing to like. I could project ahead the potential for disaster and consciously recognized this was not a logical nor safe drug to take for me long term.

When I told him about it, his eyes lit up and he talked about his addiction with an almost long lost love affair....and how he was recovered two yrs now. I believed him.

So he fell for me hard and fast and I was a bit taken aback. His divorce was final the month I met him as was mine. My ex husband have a good report and he and I had been physically separated for yrs before we filed and made it legit. I was used to being alone. My ex had a gf and I had had a bf once we moved out of one anothers house. We had shared custody and got on well with one another.

As I dated this man, the bf, he told me he loved me in no less than 2 weeks and could see him marrying me. He was so overly passionate but oddly so.

Time passed and he got mad at me one day for something trivial and called me a very foul abusive name for a female body part. He later called my best friend and told he he screwed up and was sorry and would she talk to me about it. He sent flowers and begged me to take him back and he promised he would never say that again. My ex bf called me those names and had a temper problem and he promised me he would never say that to me...but he did.

I forgave him. DUH I KNOW. His temper was something that was not obvious I have come to learn when he was using. But I did not know he was using.

He was having internal bleeding that was due to constipation caused by the drugs, he was given a script for over 100 hydro at one visit that I attended with him when he had internal hemeroids...common problem with opiate usage. He had thrown a blood clot yrs ago and it lodged. in his chest and required a transfusion and surgery but he refused the surgery. He lost huge amounts of blood and became anemic.

He asked me to marry him and then retracted it the day after new years. After we told the kids. That alone hurt. I knew he was using hydro for his hemmeroids - easier to use than to get treatment for the problem.

When he had that script I said I thought you couldnt take narcs after being an addict. He said he didnt want them to control him and he wanted to be in charge. i then realized he was more and more into his addiction and the BS about him being recovered was complete crap. I left him.

He became suicidal and manipulative - screaming at me then apologizing...begging me back saying he would end his life if I didnt take him back.

I fell in love with the guy who I thought was clean and the underlying angry man beneath his drugs was breaking through. I also found out he had a son from a gal he had sex with in college. His monther paid his CS until this young man was 18. He told me he paid for it but I came to find the receipts denoting his mother had paid.

Sadly enough he had no contact with the child ever, though his family tried a few times. He claimed his ex wife refused him to visit the son because she was concerned the boys mother would hit him up for more money. Nothing could keep me from my child NOTHING. My therapist says this is a character flaw. Selfishness by the design of addiction. His teen daughter did not know she has a sibling.

We broke up a number of times due to his irrational drug using behavior. Of course I was always the blame. He was addicted since I knew him. He went from Dr Shopping to online diversion and ended up with ultracet and muscle relaxants.

We were engaged and I took him to my family reuinion after a long fight about his ultram addiction. I was afriad he would die if left alone. I stayedu p six hours all night listening to him tell me he was going to committ suicide. I talked him down and brought him on the trip. I was telling him I didnt want him to go because I found he had a profile on match dot you know who looking for his soulmate after one fight we had about his using, he had the dog i gave him on his profile and said he was looking for his soulmate. Gee he told me that was ME.

After that I tookd him anyways to meet the family. He asked my dad to marry me and my family embraced him. His family was against it and considered me the enemy because they had their baby brother in their talons of control. Part of the reason he was down and had no esteem and turned to drugs.

I tried to get him into rehab but he had excuses for the poor health care system and no coverage or time off work. He claimed to be going to NA but never went.

Fourth of July thing improved and he wanted to move into my home. I said ok. he was using again. So we waited a bit.

We had one of our usual addiction talks and he became resistant after he had lied to me three times about using...and he dumped me for two days. Wrote me a poem and I was pregnant an miscarrying at the time. He knew something was wrong with me female speaking...so I drove to his house one night and caught him with this beautiful addict half my age in his drive. I asked who she was...he said a friend. I said i was there to tell him I miscarried and to thank him for the poem. The girl got out of his car screaming at me and trying to hit me. I left and was devastated. I still had the engagement ring on. I gave it it him and fled.

She phoned my cell over an over and I cut off all contact with him. My sister with whom he was close with called him. he was using again and crying into the phone to her. I filed a complaint to the PD stating his new gf was harassing me and calling me.
He moved her in within one week of knowing her and gave her my engagement ring telling her he loved her. Eventually he began texting me apologizing and saying she tried to attempt suicide the night previous.

I said kick her out. My god he had moved her in in a week! her stuff was all over his house and there was no way it was habitable. He said he wanted to get clean after watching her druel and pass out. She said lets die togther and pulled out once of his firearms. He said NO i want o get clean and she said you need drugs is all.

He asked me to emeet him at the PD with my report from my PD to evict her. He proclaimed his love for me in front of the officer and the officer told him what a slob he was and he would file an immediate removal of her from his hom in the morning and to get away from her or she would end his life. She knew he was going to end her life and possibly his. She knew we was coming to meet me.

I told him to seperate the bullets and dispose of the guns at the PD.

While at the PD turns out she was wanted and had lost custody of her kids and had just assaulted her BF the day she met my bf. She ran into him at a pharmacy and asked him for a ride home. They exchanged numbers and he was totally enagaged with me at the time.

After the PD we went to talk about him going to rcovery. he was apologetic and so in love with me and needed NA and rehab. He called me on his way home...she had ended her life. i raced back to the house and he had no where to go so I took him home. His ex wife said she left because of his addiction and was not going to be part of it anymore.

He moved in and expected me to be over the death and betrayal in 5 wks. He never paid me one cent to help with the bills. His family was horrible to me and blamed me for this girls death because of mine and his on off relationship stating she would be alive if we werent back n forth.

I took him to my counselor on my bill and made him go to NA and it was an effective great group. i knew a lot of the participants throughmy job.

I had to kick him out when he was screaming he didnt love anyone or anything. His violence and anger was horrible. He was struggling with PAW and refused to see it.

After my hand holding him and trying to help him he hurt me so badly.

The other day he called after I ignornired him for one month. I met with him and he started up that crap about how he missed me. I had been accused of drug useage in a new job ;ast wk just after my sons best friend and co worker had been murdered in a shooting in ATLANTA. I left that pain at the door as I was a champion for this good teenager. I was humiliated and angry that I was met by a cop and an emt and accused of the very thing I am completely against.

now my ex wont speak to me and changed hhis number and found anothr gf.

Why does this hurt. Is it normal? Why am I do depressed and feel valueless. He uses me and dumps me when he realizes the call of drugs and hot women are far more exciting than the familiar who expects a good life and clean one.


Im so depressed at how I was treated and I know my job was thwarted by a vengeful call from him.

Is this mornal - the pushpull from addicts? Am i not worthy of love???? Please help me i feel so down. So used.