Archive for the ‘Life Quot’ tag
Life or Death
I've thought a lot the past week about life and death. My dad, who wasn't supposed to live through the night Christmas Eve is still hanging in there, and I was blessed to spend Saturday with 22 of my immediate family members, surrounding him with love. My AH chose to stay home alone and drink. The way I see it he is also dying, a sad and lonely death. He hasn't spoken to me since, hasn't asked about his father-in-law. His mom told me "He has a hard time dealing with death". My response was, "No, he has a hard time dealing with life."
It struck me, as I was there with all of those people around, the stark contrast of how things are for me now, and how they can be moving forward. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and we even got a little irritated with each other at times. We felt. We were not numb. So I have determined that the last (and best) gift my dad has given me is the ability to choose to live. To take the path that leads to joy and connectedness with those around me. Sadly, I'll be leaving 2 of the most influential men in my life behind.
Thanks for letting me share.
It struck me, as I was there with all of those people around, the stark contrast of how things are for me now, and how they can be moving forward. We laughed, we cried, we hugged, and we even got a little irritated with each other at times. We felt. We were not numb. So I have determined that the last (and best) gift my dad has given me is the ability to choose to live. To take the path that leads to joy and connectedness with those around me. Sadly, I'll be leaving 2 of the most influential men in my life behind.
Thanks for letting me share.
Enough is Enough !
Enough is Enough !
- Dr. Vincent Ryan
This was my father's favorite saying in his final years, and one of the last thing he said to me before he died. I was contemplating selling my house and moving to a smaller one, and that was his pronouncement on the subject.
It was kind of ironic, since there he was, a family doctor for forty years, gasping and wheezing over the phone, barely able to speak, dying from smoking too much. But the fact that he learned the lesson late doesn't negate the truth. And it goes straight to the heart of the issue of gratitude; namely, that gratitude makes us feel like we have enough, whereas ingratitude leaves us in a state of deprivation in which we are always looking for something else.
That's why the idea of cultivating "the gratitude attitude" is so popular among twelve-step programs. As Emmet Miller notes in "Gratitude: A Way of Life". "Gratitude has to do with feeling full, complete, adequate - we have everything we need and deserve; we approach the world with a sense of value." Addictions of all sorts come from a sense of deprivation, a feeling of lack that the user believes can be filled with a substance or activity, whether it's drugs, shopping, alcohol or food. Caught up in lack, we feed the need but never feel truly satisfied because our substance of choice can't fill the lack. Consequently we continue to want more and more.
As many people have pointed out, our consumer society owes its very existence to its ability to fuel a sense of never being satisfied. If we were happy about the way we looked, for example, why would we spend billions on cosmetics and plastic surgery? Or on expensive cars that supposedly convey a certain image that we don't have?
An attitude of gratitude gets us off the treadmill and out of the rat race. As we cultivate a true and deep appreciation for what we do have, we realize that our sense of lack is, for the most part, an illusion. No matter our material circumstances, the richness of our soul is ultimately what brings happiness, not another Martini, bigger breasts, or the latest video game. In the words of Lao Tzu, "He who knows enough is enough will always have enough."
From the book "Attitudes of Gratitude" by M.J.Ryan, pages 73 and 74.
M.J.Ryan is the executive editor of Conari Press, publisher of the best-selling "Rainbow Acts of Kindness" series, and the editor of "A Gratteful Heart" and The Fabric of the Future". She lives in the San Francisco Bay Area with her husband and daughter.
Why did you drink?
I've been trying to figure out what it is about alcohol that makes me want to just numb myself on a daily/nightly basis. I've pretty much come to the conclusion that life is boring and that is why I want to drink. I've reached a point in my life where it's become clear that I won't ever be rich, famous, or live the life of a rock star. I've got a ton of bills and I don't want to think about them. I'm 13 days sober now and today was kind of rough. Worked in the yard a little, cleaned out the shed and then I felt I "deserved" a couple of beers. My wife cleaned up the house, washed the kitchen floor and pretty much felt she "deserved" a drink. The devil juice store closes here at 7:00 p.m. and the last hour or so before they closed was rough. In the end we didn't get anything to drink tonight and tomorrow the store is closed. So what do you guys do to keep life "interesting"?
Karma - the newer and the real old….
First off, is anyone else hitting the quote button about a million times instead of the thanks button because it's moved (or am i nuts)!!!!
Ok, so I haven't posted nor really given any advice because I don't know what i'm doing either lol! But, about 2 weeks ago i was out with my friend and we happened to be sitting at a table at a restaurant that my seat faced into the function room. SO, i'm sitting there and spot my ex Brian that i hadn't seen in over 7 years and we've been broken up for 10. Little background, he broke up with me after meeting a girl at a job i got him through my friend. They got married about a year or so after. So he was on his way to the bathroom and i said "hey", he kept going, so i said "brian" and he looked at me and said "holy $hit" because i look different, lost about 65 lbs. since him :) Must have told me about 100 times how good i looked. He in my opinion always drank too much, so i asked him if he was still drinking that 30 pack every Sunday and he said "no, now on Saturday"....GREAT!! He then asked for my phone number and right then his "girlfriend" (he told me "friend") came up to us and i told him that he doesn't change, things are still the same and he'd never learn!! BECAUSE......his wife gave him the boot for being that same old jerk. So he asked me if that made me feel good to know he was getting divorced. I looked right at him and said "I don't give a $hit what you do with your life"....AND MEANT IT LOL!!!!! My friend said to me, just know if nothing else, that he knows he screwed up by the way he was acting. Told me his mum still talks about me!! Karma does come around, just takes a while!!!
As for J, ran into them at the store last night which made me bummed. Although, they are a sight for sore eyes!!! Yikes!! Of course he spotted my brother's girlfriend and B lined it to the next aisle. Anyways, because we haven't spoken since he left, it was soooooooo tempting to go right upto them and ask about the money situation but also don't want to shoot myself in the foot if she doesn't know! Uggghhhh tis the season to feel dreadfully single!!!! Oh well, could be worse, could be with him lol!!!!!
My point is that as much as we want them to change for the better and see what's good for them, they have to want to change for themselves!! Never did hear from Brian after that meeting.....nothings changed!!
Ok, so I haven't posted nor really given any advice because I don't know what i'm doing either lol! But, about 2 weeks ago i was out with my friend and we happened to be sitting at a table at a restaurant that my seat faced into the function room. SO, i'm sitting there and spot my ex Brian that i hadn't seen in over 7 years and we've been broken up for 10. Little background, he broke up with me after meeting a girl at a job i got him through my friend. They got married about a year or so after. So he was on his way to the bathroom and i said "hey", he kept going, so i said "brian" and he looked at me and said "holy $hit" because i look different, lost about 65 lbs. since him :) Must have told me about 100 times how good i looked. He in my opinion always drank too much, so i asked him if he was still drinking that 30 pack every Sunday and he said "no, now on Saturday"....GREAT!! He then asked for my phone number and right then his "girlfriend" (he told me "friend") came up to us and i told him that he doesn't change, things are still the same and he'd never learn!! BECAUSE......his wife gave him the boot for being that same old jerk. So he asked me if that made me feel good to know he was getting divorced. I looked right at him and said "I don't give a $hit what you do with your life"....AND MEANT IT LOL!!!!! My friend said to me, just know if nothing else, that he knows he screwed up by the way he was acting. Told me his mum still talks about me!! Karma does come around, just takes a while!!!
As for J, ran into them at the store last night which made me bummed. Although, they are a sight for sore eyes!!! Yikes!! Of course he spotted my brother's girlfriend and B lined it to the next aisle. Anyways, because we haven't spoken since he left, it was soooooooo tempting to go right upto them and ask about the money situation but also don't want to shoot myself in the foot if she doesn't know! Uggghhhh tis the season to feel dreadfully single!!!! Oh well, could be worse, could be with him lol!!!!!
My point is that as much as we want them to change for the better and see what's good for them, they have to want to change for themselves!! Never did hear from Brian after that meeting.....nothings changed!!
No intimate relationships = No Contact at all
Hi Everyone.
I tried posting in the "Relationship: forum but didnt get much of a response, so now I am trying here
She: 28 years old, Diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD, Childhood sexual abuse, alcoholic drug addict, approximately 8 months sober today.
Me: 36 years old, no drugs, not an alcoholic, very successful
My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years. Over the course of those two years she has moved out 4 times. Three of those times she was active in her addiction (alcohol/meth). This most recent move out occured at around her 7 month sobriety date. Each of her "move outs" seemed final to me as they included removing everything from the house and filing a forwarding address immediately. Usually within 2 weeks she would come around because she forgot some trivial item. And when she did come around it would lead to sex and then she was moving back in within 5 days.
So this most recent "move out" happened about 6 weeks ago so this is the longest she has ever stayed away. It is also coincidentally the longest she has ever stayed sober (7-8 months). The first 2 weeks she called several times about some trivial items. I never called her. In one brief dicussion I asked her if she was seeing someone. She responded saying "no, my sponsor says no relationships". At around the three week mark she called me and asked if I was available to meet to have a "talk". I agreed, we met and she really just talked about her current problems with her "new life". She cried a lot and said she didnt have a job, couldnt pay for rent, was behind on her phone bill and further stated that its really hard when you lose your mate (me). She then said she was determined though to try to make it on her own. She wants to build self esteem and not be dependent on someone. Before she left she asked for a hug and said there are other things she would like to do with me (physical intimacy) but cant because she has an addiction problem. She also told me that she loves me. She then said I will call you when she left. Not the casual "hey Ill call you sometime" but more the sincere and heartfelt "Ill call you soon". That was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard one word since.
She has a strong program and a strong home group. She finally has a sponsor that she likes and respects. Her sponsor says "no reltionships". This "no relationship" thing came up after my girlfriend moved out so its not like the sponsor told her to terminate the relationship.
I never call her or pursue her as I do not want to disrupt what I interpret to be her space. I figure she will let me know when the time is right.
I really miss her but I am wondering should I be letting go?
Does this idea of "no intimate relationships in the first year" apply to existing relationships or only brand new relationships?
If in fact "no intimate realtionships in first year" applies does that mean no contact at all with someone that you have been or could be intimate with? I mean is it a complete cutoff all together?
I tried posting in the "Relationship: forum but didnt get much of a response, so now I am trying here
She: 28 years old, Diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD, Childhood sexual abuse, alcoholic drug addict, approximately 8 months sober today.
Me: 36 years old, no drugs, not an alcoholic, very successful
My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years. Over the course of those two years she has moved out 4 times. Three of those times she was active in her addiction (alcohol/meth). This most recent move out occured at around her 7 month sobriety date. Each of her "move outs" seemed final to me as they included removing everything from the house and filing a forwarding address immediately. Usually within 2 weeks she would come around because she forgot some trivial item. And when she did come around it would lead to sex and then she was moving back in within 5 days.
So this most recent "move out" happened about 6 weeks ago so this is the longest she has ever stayed away. It is also coincidentally the longest she has ever stayed sober (7-8 months). The first 2 weeks she called several times about some trivial items. I never called her. In one brief dicussion I asked her if she was seeing someone. She responded saying "no, my sponsor says no relationships". At around the three week mark she called me and asked if I was available to meet to have a "talk". I agreed, we met and she really just talked about her current problems with her "new life". She cried a lot and said she didnt have a job, couldnt pay for rent, was behind on her phone bill and further stated that its really hard when you lose your mate (me). She then said she was determined though to try to make it on her own. She wants to build self esteem and not be dependent on someone. Before she left she asked for a hug and said there are other things she would like to do with me (physical intimacy) but cant because she has an addiction problem. She also told me that she loves me. She then said I will call you when she left. Not the casual "hey Ill call you sometime" but more the sincere and heartfelt "Ill call you soon". That was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard one word since.
She has a strong program and a strong home group. She finally has a sponsor that she likes and respects. Her sponsor says "no reltionships". This "no relationship" thing came up after my girlfriend moved out so its not like the sponsor told her to terminate the relationship.
I never call her or pursue her as I do not want to disrupt what I interpret to be her space. I figure she will let me know when the time is right.
I really miss her but I am wondering should I be letting go?
Does this idea of "no intimate relationships in the first year" apply to existing relationships or only brand new relationships?
If in fact "no intimate realtionships in first year" applies does that mean no contact at all with someone that you have been or could be intimate with? I mean is it a complete cutoff all together?
my GF has drinking problem & serious mood swings - NEED ADVICE!!!
Hi all,
I just discovered this forum about 1 hour ago while I was looking for advice on my situation. I must say this forum looks great, many posters with lots of experience, so I figured I'd post my situation here:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and are in our mid-twenties. We both have jobs and have gone through "College life" where drinking is a daily activity... We are both, today, "normal" or casual drinkers, we don't need to drink everyday (and we don't), we have some wine with dinner from time to time, and go out sometimes on weekends. Ever since I met her (a year ago), I noticed that she has a drinking problem, which I will explain shortly. We have had many, many discussions about it and even she admits she has a drinking problem (vs being an alcoholic, which we researched online, that she doesnt NEED a drink daily) but that she could easily control it and it's no big deal (first red flag for me).
So, here's the situation: When she's drinking alone with me i.e. share a bottle of wine with dinner on the weekend, everything is fine. We will finish off the bottle, usually after her 2nd glass she says she's had enough, after the wine we might have a glass of port, we're both a bit tipsy, life is great and the rest of the evening is perfect. On other occasion, she will not drink, or simply have 1 glass. This is what I consider "normal" drinking... no abuse, just for fun.
The problem is whenever she drinks with friends, either at someone's house or in a club, she can't stop drinking. She will drink as long as there is alcohol, and some of her friends are also really not the best of influences on her. Not only does she get completely wasted, when she gets that drunk she becomes extremely abusive towards me (not physically but verbally) and always tries to pick a fight. If I ignore her, she continues, but if I reply then we argue. Also, if she's drunk and I say "Babe you've had too much to drink, let's go to bed and discuss this tomorrow" she gets extremely angry at me and is even more abusive. These evenings usually end with her passing out on my couch or in bed. Lately she's also been having black outs the next day. The rock bottom was when she was so drunk she got kicked out of a bar... Not only does she drink when other people drink, but I've been in situations where we would be 5 or 6 people casually drinking at a friend's house on a Friday night, and by 10 pm everyone had had 2-3 drinks and was fine, except for her, she was already wasted. She can't seem to "pace" her drinking...
In the year we've been together, I honestly can't recall one time where we had a big argument and she was sober. If she's sober, our relationship is incredible. But every time she gets really drunk, it's a disaster. I have tried filming her, once we're back home and she's abusive, and then showing it to her the next day. She's always embarrassed after a night like that (especially the time I filmed her, or if some of her friends tell her how bad she was), apologizes for hurting and insulting me, says things like "you know I don't mean the things I say when I'm drunk" etc. Fortunately, this doesn't happen every day, although there was a period during the summer where it was once a week, sometimes twice. Normally, it happens once or twice a month (which is still WAY too often...).
Now I know this is not a relationship advice forum, and my question is really more on her drinking. Do you think it can really be just a phase? after all, we're still young. Also, how can you explain that her drinking habits change if she's with me vs with her friends (and I would not consider it peer pressure because no one forces her to drink). Finally, how do you explain the extreme change in personality after too many drinks? Can this change with time, or is she doomed?? Also, I have seen her, although very few times, go out with friends, we have several drinks, nothing in excess, we get back home and everything is fine. I have seen her do it, I know she can do it, which for me adds up to the mystery of why sometimes she has no control...
I know I'm seeking a lot of information, but I've been seriously thinking of ending this relationship. It would be a very easy decision if overall, I wasn't happy with her. But as I previously mentioned, when she's sober (which is most of the time), our relationship is really perfect.
Please let me know what you guys (and girls!) think, it is much appreciated!
I just discovered this forum about 1 hour ago while I was looking for advice on my situation. I must say this forum looks great, many posters with lots of experience, so I figured I'd post my situation here:
My girlfriend and I have been dating for a year and are in our mid-twenties. We both have jobs and have gone through "College life" where drinking is a daily activity... We are both, today, "normal" or casual drinkers, we don't need to drink everyday (and we don't), we have some wine with dinner from time to time, and go out sometimes on weekends. Ever since I met her (a year ago), I noticed that she has a drinking problem, which I will explain shortly. We have had many, many discussions about it and even she admits she has a drinking problem (vs being an alcoholic, which we researched online, that she doesnt NEED a drink daily) but that she could easily control it and it's no big deal (first red flag for me).
So, here's the situation: When she's drinking alone with me i.e. share a bottle of wine with dinner on the weekend, everything is fine. We will finish off the bottle, usually after her 2nd glass she says she's had enough, after the wine we might have a glass of port, we're both a bit tipsy, life is great and the rest of the evening is perfect. On other occasion, she will not drink, or simply have 1 glass. This is what I consider "normal" drinking... no abuse, just for fun.
The problem is whenever she drinks with friends, either at someone's house or in a club, she can't stop drinking. She will drink as long as there is alcohol, and some of her friends are also really not the best of influences on her. Not only does she get completely wasted, when she gets that drunk she becomes extremely abusive towards me (not physically but verbally) and always tries to pick a fight. If I ignore her, she continues, but if I reply then we argue. Also, if she's drunk and I say "Babe you've had too much to drink, let's go to bed and discuss this tomorrow" she gets extremely angry at me and is even more abusive. These evenings usually end with her passing out on my couch or in bed. Lately she's also been having black outs the next day. The rock bottom was when she was so drunk she got kicked out of a bar... Not only does she drink when other people drink, but I've been in situations where we would be 5 or 6 people casually drinking at a friend's house on a Friday night, and by 10 pm everyone had had 2-3 drinks and was fine, except for her, she was already wasted. She can't seem to "pace" her drinking...
In the year we've been together, I honestly can't recall one time where we had a big argument and she was sober. If she's sober, our relationship is incredible. But every time she gets really drunk, it's a disaster. I have tried filming her, once we're back home and she's abusive, and then showing it to her the next day. She's always embarrassed after a night like that (especially the time I filmed her, or if some of her friends tell her how bad she was), apologizes for hurting and insulting me, says things like "you know I don't mean the things I say when I'm drunk" etc. Fortunately, this doesn't happen every day, although there was a period during the summer where it was once a week, sometimes twice. Normally, it happens once or twice a month (which is still WAY too often...).
Now I know this is not a relationship advice forum, and my question is really more on her drinking. Do you think it can really be just a phase? after all, we're still young. Also, how can you explain that her drinking habits change if she's with me vs with her friends (and I would not consider it peer pressure because no one forces her to drink). Finally, how do you explain the extreme change in personality after too many drinks? Can this change with time, or is she doomed?? Also, I have seen her, although very few times, go out with friends, we have several drinks, nothing in excess, we get back home and everything is fine. I have seen her do it, I know she can do it, which for me adds up to the mystery of why sometimes she has no control...
I know I'm seeking a lot of information, but I've been seriously thinking of ending this relationship. It would be a very easy decision if overall, I wasn't happy with her. But as I previously mentioned, when she's sober (which is most of the time), our relationship is really perfect.
Please let me know what you guys (and girls!) think, it is much appreciated!
SOS - Suggested Guidelines For Sobriety
Suggested Guidelines for Sobriety
To break the cycle of denial and achieve sobriety, we first acknowledge that we are alcoholics or addicts.
We reaffirm this truth daily and accept without reservation the fact that, as clean and sober individuals, we cannot and do not drink or use, no matter what.
Since drinking or using is not an option for us, we take whatever steps are necessary to continue our Sobriety Priority lifelong.
A quality of life -"the good life"- can be achieved. However, life is also filled with uncertainties. Therefore, we do not drink or use regardless of feelings, circumstances, or conflicts.
We share in confidence with each other our thoughts and feelings as sober, clean individuals.
Sobriety is our Priority, and we are each responsible for our lives and our sobriety.
From the SOS web page:
30days
To break the cycle of denial and achieve sobriety, we first acknowledge that we are alcoholics or addicts.
We reaffirm this truth daily and accept without reservation the fact that, as clean and sober individuals, we cannot and do not drink or use, no matter what.
Since drinking or using is not an option for us, we take whatever steps are necessary to continue our Sobriety Priority lifelong.
A quality of life -"the good life"- can be achieved. However, life is also filled with uncertainties. Therefore, we do not drink or use regardless of feelings, circumstances, or conflicts.
We share in confidence with each other our thoughts and feelings as sober, clean individuals.
Sobriety is our Priority, and we are each responsible for our lives and our sobriety.
From the SOS web page:
30days
Dialogue with Myself (Me and my Addict Voice?)
I debated whether to post this here or in the Alcoholism forum, but since I've only got 57 days under my belt I figure I'm still a newbie... and if this can help *anyone* else, then it's worth it.
Some of you might remember a post I made a few weeks back about quitting drinking vs. recovering, about how I have stopped drinking but I'm not really on a recovery path, so many days I feel lost and confused. I have good days and bad days, and I've not slipped and had a drink so I figure I'm at least hanging in there good enough to stay sober for today (and that's all I can worry about right now - today). However, I have thoughts. And those thoughts often turn into "debates" with myself. Debates about whether or not my problem is as bad as I thought it was. Debates about whether or not I really have to never drink again. Debates about what exactly it is that I think I miss about drinking anyway.
Here are a few examples (my "Addict Voice" in red, my "Rational Voice" in blue):
"You were never really that bad. You stopped it before things got really out of control."
"Oh? How do you know how bad it was? You were drunk. There's a lot you don't remember. Maybe you should ask those who DO remember and see what they have to say about it."
"But, come on. Really. You've read some real alcoholic horror stories. Your own situation was never even close to anything like that."
"What, and you WANT it to be that bad? It has to be that horrible for there to be a problem? Do you WANT to lose everything that is important in your life, including your life?"
"Ok, ok. But look at how (relatively) easy it's been to go this long without drinking. Doesn't that mean anything? If you can go this long once, you can go this long again. What's the harm in having a margarita from time to time, or champagne on New Year's, or wine with dinner? You know more now than you knew then."
"*sigh* If only it were that easy. Don't you remember the last time you had a drink? Don't you remember ANY time you had a drink in the past year and a half? The immediate craving for more? The total inability to stop once you started? What makes you think it will be different this time, easier this time?"
"What exactly do you think you miss about it, anyway? What about drinking do you want back so badly? The blackouts? The hangovers? The sneaking around, convincing yourself that no one knew you were drinking?"
"... ... ... I don't know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the after-effects, no. And I don't miss the sneaking around. I don't miss the way it made me feel about myself, either."
"So... tell me then, what part of it DO you miss? What part of it do you want back?"
"I guess that initial rush, the buzz, the feeling of calm and relief."
"And how long did that last?"
"Never long enough."
"And what about later that night, or the next day? Still calm and relief?"
"No. Disgust. Regret. Shame. Self-loathing. Embarrassment."
"And you want that back, do you?"
I can't figure out why it feels so important to me to think that I'll be able to drink again one day. LOGICALLY, RATIONALLY, I know that I can not. I know that the mere fact that the thought affects me this way means I have a problem.
I guess I still have some work to do.
Some of you might remember a post I made a few weeks back about quitting drinking vs. recovering, about how I have stopped drinking but I'm not really on a recovery path, so many days I feel lost and confused. I have good days and bad days, and I've not slipped and had a drink so I figure I'm at least hanging in there good enough to stay sober for today (and that's all I can worry about right now - today). However, I have thoughts. And those thoughts often turn into "debates" with myself. Debates about whether or not my problem is as bad as I thought it was. Debates about whether or not I really have to never drink again. Debates about what exactly it is that I think I miss about drinking anyway.
Here are a few examples (my "Addict Voice" in red, my "Rational Voice" in blue):
"You were never really that bad. You stopped it before things got really out of control."
"Oh? How do you know how bad it was? You were drunk. There's a lot you don't remember. Maybe you should ask those who DO remember and see what they have to say about it."
"But, come on. Really. You've read some real alcoholic horror stories. Your own situation was never even close to anything like that."
"What, and you WANT it to be that bad? It has to be that horrible for there to be a problem? Do you WANT to lose everything that is important in your life, including your life?"
"Ok, ok. But look at how (relatively) easy it's been to go this long without drinking. Doesn't that mean anything? If you can go this long once, you can go this long again. What's the harm in having a margarita from time to time, or champagne on New Year's, or wine with dinner? You know more now than you knew then."
"*sigh* If only it were that easy. Don't you remember the last time you had a drink? Don't you remember ANY time you had a drink in the past year and a half? The immediate craving for more? The total inability to stop once you started? What makes you think it will be different this time, easier this time?"
"What exactly do you think you miss about it, anyway? What about drinking do you want back so badly? The blackouts? The hangovers? The sneaking around, convincing yourself that no one knew you were drinking?"
"... ... ... I don't know what I miss exactly. I don't miss the after-effects, no. And I don't miss the sneaking around. I don't miss the way it made me feel about myself, either."
"So... tell me then, what part of it DO you miss? What part of it do you want back?"
"I guess that initial rush, the buzz, the feeling of calm and relief."
"And how long did that last?"
"Never long enough."
"And what about later that night, or the next day? Still calm and relief?"
"No. Disgust. Regret. Shame. Self-loathing. Embarrassment."
"And you want that back, do you?"
I can't figure out why it feels so important to me to think that I'll be able to drink again one day. LOGICALLY, RATIONALLY, I know that I can not. I know that the mere fact that the thought affects me this way means I have a problem.
I guess I still have some work to do.
A bad way to think or just reality?
My dad was recently diagnosed with cancer. The prognosis isn't good. He seems to be ok with it. still smoking and drinking and says it's too late to give up the vices. I kind of see his point.
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
He taught me from childhood that the world is a cruel place and that life is not fair. He was not wrong. It might be a bad way to raise a kid but It wasn't a lie. He also taught me about science and the beauty and brutality of nature. He brought home some tadpoles one night when I was about 9 or 10. he woke me up and told me to watch.
He opened the lid to the tank of salamanders that I kept in my room. He poured the tadpoles in and the salamanders began to devour them. Gulping them down whole. I started to cry and my mother yelled at him. He said "well how else is she gonna learn about life?"
My life has never been easy and my family has never been close. I love my dad and i know he loves me we just don't say it.
I feel that he is ok with this because he knows he won't have to hurt anymore. I really can't blame him for that. He is an alcoholic with the mind of a genius and a huge heart that he keeps locked away.
He saw his father dead at the dinner table when he was 13. He started down his road of self abuse then. There are no excuses. There is just reality. I don't blame my dad for not trying to fight the cancer. He isn't weak. He knows he did this to himself and he is not feeling sorry for himself. He is going through chemo and radiation and going through the motions. I don't think he expects to get better.
I think it's sad that all the years of therapy I've had were spent trying to teach me that what my dad taught me was wrong somehow
His view of life makes even more sense now than it ever did. Things are hard and they only get harder. I try so hard and I still can't get anywhere. I feel lost and unsafe all he time. I feel exposed like my skin has been peeled off.
He taught me those things because he didn't want me to hurt. It never stopped me from hurting. I don't blame my dad for anything.
I hope he doesn't suffer and linger like some do. I know my mom is in denial. I don't really need any advice or anything...I just wanted to write this and send it out to people who can probably understand.
Thanks
Enabling?
Ok - it's official: My formerly ex-AGF is again my AGF. I have a question - because I'm not 100% comfortable with things this time around.
For those of who have been in relationships with someone addicted, for a long time . . .
Is the very fact that I'm in the relationship with them "enabling" them?
I'm trying to make sense of things - but my head spins when I do that.
From everything I've seen & read - it would sound like, yes - right now, I'm not a person she loves; I'm not "helping" her - and if anything, I'm helping her continue down the path she's on.
From everything I've seen & read - if I want her to reach "rock bottom"; if I truly love her - that I'd have to tell her "Honey - I know you're not ready NOW to quit the drugs & as long as you use drugs - and hurt yourself, I can no longer be in your life" - and walk away & hope for the best.
But - it's not that black & white.
Am I wrong to believe that my being in her life can't help her pull herself out of the life she's been living? That our relationship can't be a tool she can use to help her find her way? That gives a little strength? I know SHE has to want to make changes - and then MAKE those changes. But does it REALLY have to happen "alone"?
This is just so complex. I've seen/heard all of the "run. run away fast", "...an addict doesn't love themselves - so they can't possibly love you", and plenty more in some people's comments & in stickies. I think those are all well & good when "we" are suffering & hurting because of something that happened with our addict. But what about when we feel "hope"? When that light is shining on us & our A's? What is the positive way to go about things?
I guess I have a hard time believing that the only road to recovery for an addict is through negative actions & consequences - and that seems to be the theme here. Surely there must be a way through positive change & influence to overcome problems like these - no???
**I'm not trying to be confrontational or rile anyone up by anything I've said. I'm just trying to make sense of my situation...
For those of who have been in relationships with someone addicted, for a long time . . .
Is the very fact that I'm in the relationship with them "enabling" them?
I'm trying to make sense of things - but my head spins when I do that.
From everything I've seen & read - it would sound like, yes - right now, I'm not a person she loves; I'm not "helping" her - and if anything, I'm helping her continue down the path she's on.
From everything I've seen & read - if I want her to reach "rock bottom"; if I truly love her - that I'd have to tell her "Honey - I know you're not ready NOW to quit the drugs & as long as you use drugs - and hurt yourself, I can no longer be in your life" - and walk away & hope for the best.
But - it's not that black & white.
Am I wrong to believe that my being in her life can't help her pull herself out of the life she's been living? That our relationship can't be a tool she can use to help her find her way? That gives a little strength? I know SHE has to want to make changes - and then MAKE those changes. But does it REALLY have to happen "alone"?
This is just so complex. I've seen/heard all of the "run. run away fast", "...an addict doesn't love themselves - so they can't possibly love you", and plenty more in some people's comments & in stickies. I think those are all well & good when "we" are suffering & hurting because of something that happened with our addict. But what about when we feel "hope"? When that light is shining on us & our A's? What is the positive way to go about things?
I guess I have a hard time believing that the only road to recovery for an addict is through negative actions & consequences - and that seems to be the theme here. Surely there must be a way through positive change & influence to overcome problems like these - no???
**I'm not trying to be confrontational or rile anyone up by anything I've said. I'm just trying to make sense of my situation...
