Archive for the ‘Life Surprises’ tag
No one to blame but me
Every time I think I've found the lowest I could possibly go, life surprises me with yet another slide straight into hell, with no one to thank but myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
This time, I was about 2 weeks into sobriety. Peer pressure overcame my decent judgment though and I decided it might be ok to have a beer. This kicked off a 4-day drinking and drug binge. My companion through this 4-day binge insists he will pay me back, and I believe him. He has always kept his word about paying me back. However, he's never owed me $2000 before and he's even more broke than I am so I'm just going to have to figure out how to pay for this one on my own, until he can pay me back. I'm sure my credit card already loves the interest payments.
Now, what have drinking and drugs done for me?
The thing is, if it were anyone else I could have easily said no. Every time I do something that I know is a bad idea, this guy is involved. I fell for him ages ago-- perhaps a year-and-a-half ago-- but we've always kept it "just friends" because he has a girlfriend (though she lives about 120 miles away). And we didn't start out this way, we were good friends, we did fun stuff together-- movies, concerts, etc- studied together for our classes, and generally stayed out of trouble and worked hard in school. Then we started drinking a bit and everything has spiraled down hill. Neither of us can stop drinking, he's engaged to his gf and they have a baby but whenever he gets drunk he tries to kiss me and hugs me and tells me he's in love with me but he wants to be in his daughter's life and can't call off the engagement at this point-- I don't know if he means it or he's being manipulative or he's just drunk. I'm heartbroken because I really did fall for him-- first guy I've ever been in love with-- and it kills me that we can only be friends so I drink all the time to forget about it.
And I KNOW that he's not good for me, because he's got so much power over me that I drink and do drugs with him even though I know I shouldn't, and don't even want to. I know I'd be better off without him in my life at all. When neither of us are drunk we're awesome friends, we have so much fun just watching movies or hanging out and we're supportive of each other and we are good influences on each other. And then we get around alcohol and we both become idiots; he wants to do this crap, and either puts a lot of pressure on me or sweet-talks me into it, and I give in every time.
Now all I seem to do is drink and cry. I hate my life, I can barely pay my bills, and I'm miserable from the time I get up until the time I either start drinking or crawl into bed. I want to be over him; I want to be the person I used to be before I started drinking, back when I liked myself.
