Drug Rehab Options Blog

First of all, it is very hard for me to come here and write this.

I have been struggling for the last couple of months to get sober again. Alcohol had a very powerful grip on me. I've been trying to break free. I've been drinking very heavily. I was going to AA meetings and then drinking after the meetings. It has really taken its toll on my health.

After I drank again, I did not have the strength to pick myself right back up. I stayed down and continued to drink. But now I have a small glimmer of hope and a desire to win over alcohol. I can't believe the grip that this stuff has on me.

It all started over a thought that maybe I could drink socially again since I had months of sobriety. I thought that I could have one drink and be okay and would stop after that. Well, that one drink turned into one more and one more.... and it just kept going. The road of "one more drink" lead me straight to hell. It is a very lonely, painful place.

I was drinking every day. No matter how much I drank, I couldn't drink enough to drown out all of the recovery I had learned in my sober time. I rotated liquor stores because I was too embarrassed to keep showing up at the same one every day. I just felt like when they looked at me, they just knew. It was a horrible, deep shame and I know I am way over the line that separated alcoholics from social drinkers. I'm really far gone into alcoholism. I know social drinkers do not behave the way I was behaving.

I know what to do to get back on this road of recovery. I walked this road before and I still have what I learned and now I have this experience to learn from. I also know the reasons why I drank again and I'll avoid them in the future. I know the EXACT reasons that caused me to pick up a drink. I saw it coming and did nothing to stop it. I thought it was what I wanted, but I was sadly mistaken. It was what my alcoholic mind wanted but not really what I wanted if that makes any sense.

I also have to avoid people, places, and things associated with alcohol. I have to do it for my recovery. Without sobriety, I don't have anything.

I'm very disappointed that I started drinking again, but I am hopeful that this experience has made me stronger and reaffirmed my decision and reasons for recovery. Now I'm trying to get back up and give sobriety another chance. This time, I won't be careless about who I hang around and won't hang around in slippery places where alcohol is served.

Thanks for listening.

Does anyone else here still get nervous whenever they see a police car while driving? It's been almost a year since my arrest. I haven't driven intoxicated since (I hate to say I was "lucky" to live in walking distance to four liquor stores.) Yet, every time I see the police I get this immediate feeling of panic that "oh no, I hope they don't find me out!" followed by "oh wait, I haven't a drop of alcohol in me."

It's getting rather annoying. I really hope this *is* a passing phase.