Archive for the ‘Living Room’ tag
Just puked all over due to stress.
Sigh... puked all over my living room due to stress of my former stepfather, life, confusion and so on... *no it was not alcohol induced* it was anxiety... anyone else have this? Well... bye :(
Escalated to out of control
I had no contact with the XAB?but contact was made?this crazy out of his mind dangerous man came to my house when I was at the store with my mom on Christmas eve. He walked into my living room with my 16 and 12 yr old sons sitting there, covered from head to toe with mud. He locked the door behind him and told them that he was being chased by the police. My son D asked him what he was carrying, this being a hatchet and an eight inch butcher knife. D, calmly, asked him to give it to him?and he did. The X then crouched down in the corner and started to cry. The police knocked at the door, D answered and told them that the X was in the house and was crazy?the X now made it into the basement bedroom and was hiding under the covers. The police SENT my son back into the house to ?talk? to the x?convince him to come out, which he did after several minutes talking to the police on the side of the house. The police did not call me, did not arrest the x, but dropped him off at the hospital that released him an hour later?now for the second time!
When looking at my house, you can see 4 windows that he tried to get into and a ladder that was put up to the second story window. The police, who I have been in MAJOR contact with think that he is really more of a threat to himself than me or my children! I do not agree?he beat me up three weeks ago, he has slit his wrists four days ago, now he came to my home with ONLY my children there with a butcher knife.
Today I have to get a temp PFA, take the day off of work on Monday to file for a permanent one, and PRAY that something happens to this man before it happens to me or my children?
I live in a small town, if I hear one more time that ?Bri is a nice guy until he starts drinking? I might snap! HE IS DRINKING, HE IS TAKING DRUGS, HE IS DEPRESSED AND HE IS DANGEROUSE!? He is on POROLE for beating the hell out of his X girlfriend while under the influence of drugs and alcohol! What is going to take to have someone help me?
When looking at my house, you can see 4 windows that he tried to get into and a ladder that was put up to the second story window. The police, who I have been in MAJOR contact with think that he is really more of a threat to himself than me or my children! I do not agree?he beat me up three weeks ago, he has slit his wrists four days ago, now he came to my home with ONLY my children there with a butcher knife.
Today I have to get a temp PFA, take the day off of work on Monday to file for a permanent one, and PRAY that something happens to this man before it happens to me or my children?
I live in a small town, if I hear one more time that ?Bri is a nice guy until he starts drinking? I might snap! HE IS DRINKING, HE IS TAKING DRUGS, HE IS DEPRESSED AND HE IS DANGEROUSE!? He is on POROLE for beating the hell out of his X girlfriend while under the influence of drugs and alcohol! What is going to take to have someone help me?
More Holiday venting
Day 20 here. It's snowing, I've always loved snow and in Portland it is a rare occurence. This year it has provided me with nothing but problems. My ex is throwing a Christmas party at my house today and I'm not invited. When she told me about it I thought it was petty, but I was trying to take the high road- besides I thought I had a different christmas party to go to so I just let it go. She is bringing her new BF over, who I told her is not allowed in the house. This is the one she cheated on me with, and who also was a former friend of mine. She found out I brought a girl over, she only came into the living room and a room that I built downstairs that I use for music. The day she found out is the day she planned the party. She said she should be allowed to bring over whoever she wants because I did. I told her the Christmas party was fine, and didnt argue. It turns out I had the date wrong on my party, and it was cancelled anyway. Well now we've got a snow storm, the weather is going to be horrible. It's going to snow all day and then go into freezing rain. It's been burning on the back of my mind that she has the nerve to throw a party with all these mutual friends and that I need to leave my own house because of it, it's really a class-less move in my book. When I woke up and saw the weather, realized that I can't drive, and that I really don't have any place to go it just got to me. I texted her this morning saying she should cancel the xmas party, that the weather is as bad as it's been, and that I don't have any place to go. She told me that she isn't going to cancel the party, that she will drive me somewhere like my parents or a friend's house. She also said the conditions are fine and that if I had chains like her it wouldn't be a problem. I started getting very angry and told her that "I hope that this is worth it for her". She then texted me asking me where I'd be going, and I didn't reply because I realized at this point it was time to cool my jets and try to handle this situation in more of a mature manner than I was. I realized I was being short and angry with her with my previous text. She called and asked where I was going and that she could give me a ride somewhere, I told her not to worry about it and we got disconnected (cell phone). I haven't called her back.
I am not perfect, I know there are two sides of this thing and that you guys are likely to take my side because I am the one posting, but it just feels really crappy, and petty for there to be a christmas party at your house where people that you have known for years, your friends are going to be there, but that you have to go hike out in the snow just to get away (I'm not going to have her drive me anywhere, that just feels more insulting). She is even inviting people that she isn't really friends with and knows that I have issues with, like my old roommate Sean whom I am not talking to. She doesn't even talk to him, I don't think she is doing it to directly spite me, but she is definately going for quantity at this party. My neighbors will also be there, and I have also had a falling out with them recently. It's just very upsetting to be spending the holidays like this.
I don't want to deal with this situation immaturely or take stabs, I'm learning this gets nowhere. I've already borderlined on this type of behavior to be honest. I could really elevate this and there is a side of me that is tempted to fight this; be vindictive and trying to gain power back because I just don't feel this is just. There really is a part of me that feels taken advantage of and that I need to fight my ground, the other side says I need to take the high road and let bygones be bygones. I have a feeling she would stoop pretty low if I tried to fight this thing (ever seen War of The Roses). But I'm smart enough to know that the digger I deep the more resentment will build, and that I will start seeing things in a cloudy way, and becoming a person that I don't want to be.
The truth is, she isn't being mature or very thoughtful. I know I am not perfect, have not handled this situation perfectly, and have even acted out in anger recently towards her via text message. I'm just tired and besides myself for how far she is pushing this thing. People have just been upsetting me recently, I just can't believe the nerve and insensitivity of these people that are abandoning me and just kicking me while I am down.
People really shouldn't be driving here, it's just ridiculous. The snow is just pouring down. I know, I know just a test, I've already reacted too much in anger for my own good, but it's time to put a tournakit on this and move on. This is my first step towards doing this, I just needed to vent.
I am not perfect, I know there are two sides of this thing and that you guys are likely to take my side because I am the one posting, but it just feels really crappy, and petty for there to be a christmas party at your house where people that you have known for years, your friends are going to be there, but that you have to go hike out in the snow just to get away (I'm not going to have her drive me anywhere, that just feels more insulting). She is even inviting people that she isn't really friends with and knows that I have issues with, like my old roommate Sean whom I am not talking to. She doesn't even talk to him, I don't think she is doing it to directly spite me, but she is definately going for quantity at this party. My neighbors will also be there, and I have also had a falling out with them recently. It's just very upsetting to be spending the holidays like this.
I don't want to deal with this situation immaturely or take stabs, I'm learning this gets nowhere. I've already borderlined on this type of behavior to be honest. I could really elevate this and there is a side of me that is tempted to fight this; be vindictive and trying to gain power back because I just don't feel this is just. There really is a part of me that feels taken advantage of and that I need to fight my ground, the other side says I need to take the high road and let bygones be bygones. I have a feeling she would stoop pretty low if I tried to fight this thing (ever seen War of The Roses). But I'm smart enough to know that the digger I deep the more resentment will build, and that I will start seeing things in a cloudy way, and becoming a person that I don't want to be.
The truth is, she isn't being mature or very thoughtful. I know I am not perfect, have not handled this situation perfectly, and have even acted out in anger recently towards her via text message. I'm just tired and besides myself for how far she is pushing this thing. People have just been upsetting me recently, I just can't believe the nerve and insensitivity of these people that are abandoning me and just kicking me while I am down.
People really shouldn't be driving here, it's just ridiculous. The snow is just pouring down. I know, I know just a test, I've already reacted too much in anger for my own good, but it's time to put a tournakit on this and move on. This is my first step towards doing this, I just needed to vent.
HE wants a divorce!
So, yesterday morning my AH sends me a text message from the living room couch (where he has been sleeping for the past 2 weeks straight, and every time that he is drunk) asking if I will come in there and talk to him. Against my better judgement, I go. He is still drunk from the night before, and I can tell right away that he is pissed. He asks where I was 3 nights ago, and I told him that I met a friend from work, and then we went back to his house and sat and talked to his wife and her sister. I have a couple of friends at work that I have confided in recently, and Thanksgiving was expecially hard on me since I had to fake that everything was fine while AH's family was around. I cried for hours. I needed someone to talk to. I talked about him the entire time! My friend also drinks too much, but at least he is home every night! Anyways, AH starts calling me a *****, and says that I better go get an attorney, because he is sick and tired of this (???) and he wants a divorce. I almost started laughing because his accusations are just SO FAR FETCHED! So I quietly tell him that if it makes him feel better to invent a dramatic event so that he can blame me instead of himself, then by all means, he should go for it. I've spent the last week trying to decide if I want to stay with him, even if he sobers up, and then all of the sudden he wants to divorce ME??? I decided to take off my rings, because I am not going to wear the ring of a man that would call me a *****, when the only thing I want is him. All I want is for him to sober up and make that transition from single party guy to married guy with a child. I guess that if he gets rid of me, he won't have to hear crap about how much he drinks. The bright side is that with shared custody, I would imagine that he will see more of his daughter than he does now living in the same house. The whole thing is just so sad to me. I won't be able to move out until after the 1st of the year, and I definitely cannot afford this house on my own. Right now, we are avoiding each other more than usual. He did give me my cell phone back, but only until tomorrow. Then I have to get my own phone service. I am taking it hour by hour. I am trying not to let me daughter see me cry any more. And the truth is that right now, I am so tired of being hurt, that I almost don't care anymore. I wish I could afford to move now. But then he took our daughter today to go xmas tree shopping! It's still in the back of the truck, but why buy a tree today if yesterday you told me that you wanted me out of this house and that he wanted a divorce!
Language of Letting Go - Nov. 30 - Detachment
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Detachment
One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.
"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.
Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Detachment
One day, my son brought a gerbil home to live with us. We put it in a cage. Some time later, the gerbil escaped. For the next six months, the animal ran frightened and wild through the house. So did we - chasing it.
"There it is. Get it!" we'd scream, each time someone spotted the gerbil. I, or my son, would throw down whatever we were working on, race across the house, and lunge at the animal hoping to catch it.
I worried about it, even when we didn't see it. "This isn't right," I'd think. "I can't have a gerbil running loose in the house. We've got to catch it. We've got to do something."
A small animal, the size of a mouse had the entire household in a tizzy.
One day, while sitting in the living room, I watched the animal scurry across the hallway. In frenzy, I started to lunge at it, as I usually did, then I stopped myself.
No, I said, I'm all done. If that animal wants to live in the nooks and crannies of this house, I'm going to let it. I'm done worrying about it. I'm done chasing it. It's an irregular circumstance, but that's just the way it's going to have to be.
I let the gerbil run past without reacting. I felt slightly uncomfortable with my new reaction - not reacting - but I stuck to it anyway.
I got more comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. Before long, I became downright peaceful with the situation. I had stopped fighting the gerbil. One afternoon, only weeks after I started practicing my new attitude, the gerbil ran by me, as it had so many times, and I barely glanced at it. The animal stopped in its tracks, turned around, and looked at me. I started to lunge at it. It started to run away. I relaxed.
"Fine," I said. "Do what you want." And I meant it.
One hour later, the gerbil came and stood by me, and waited. I gently picked it up and placed it in its cage, where it has lived happily ever since. The moral of the story? Don't lunge at the gerbil. He's already frightened, and chasing him just scares him more and makes us crazy.
Detachment works.
Today, I will be comfortable with my new reaction - not reacting. I will feel at peace.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
muscle spasms/suboxone
:wtf2
When I was taking my oxys I would get muscle spasms all over my body periodically each night, adn they increased in number when I took higher doses. I'm on suboxone now and have been for about a month. I'm noticing tonight, or rather I've known it but just really thought about it tonight, that I am still having twitches/spasms. It's like I'm hyperreflexive also--when I walk through my living room the cord is hanging down from the overhead fan, if it lightly bumps my head I have a bigger reaction to it than most peole (make sense?). I'm just wondering what is causing this. The only way I would think it's the subs causing it is because of the interaction with the opiate receptors in a way similar to what my oxys did--could my opiate receptors be overly sensitive and a little touchy? :c003: Any suggestions or thoughts greatly appreciate.
When I was taking my oxys I would get muscle spasms all over my body periodically each night, adn they increased in number when I took higher doses. I'm on suboxone now and have been for about a month. I'm noticing tonight, or rather I've known it but just really thought about it tonight, that I am still having twitches/spasms. It's like I'm hyperreflexive also--when I walk through my living room the cord is hanging down from the overhead fan, if it lightly bumps my head I have a bigger reaction to it than most peole (make sense?). I'm just wondering what is causing this. The only way I would think it's the subs causing it is because of the interaction with the opiate receptors in a way similar to what my oxys did--could my opiate receptors be overly sensitive and a little touchy? :c003: Any suggestions or thoughts greatly appreciate.
Worse then a Bad Marriage now
Well nothing is going right here ever since the phone thingy. Attitude like I just am here and she is ignoring me but saying hi and bye.
I just went out to the living room and said I can't live like this, this is awful.
I know mom I can't either I will be moving out as soon as I can.
So I sorta thought this was in your head from the past.
But she says I am going to give yo money and I won't leave you like I did befor hanging with the bills, I know I owe you plenty.
I am sitting there thinking..yes, and how in the hell do you think on your pay your going to do this and live so I said it. I wil don't worry about it I know you want me out and I want out.
Well, I just had to wheel myself away and come in here and vent.
You know, I am not sure where the attitude is from but money sure makes her independent from all.
Well so much for the Holidays again! I give up being a mom. What ever I do it's the wrong thing I guess. aghhhhhhh:e088:
I just went out to the living room and said I can't live like this, this is awful.
I know mom I can't either I will be moving out as soon as I can.
So I sorta thought this was in your head from the past.
But she says I am going to give yo money and I won't leave you like I did befor hanging with the bills, I know I owe you plenty.
I am sitting there thinking..yes, and how in the hell do you think on your pay your going to do this and live so I said it. I wil don't worry about it I know you want me out and I want out.
Well, I just had to wheel myself away and come in here and vent.
You know, I am not sure where the attitude is from but money sure makes her independent from all.
Well so much for the Holidays again! I give up being a mom. What ever I do it's the wrong thing I guess. aghhhhhhh:e088:
Things I did different today
I have been up for about 15 minites this morning and I feel great. This has not been the case for quite some time...
So what is different?
My clocks auto reset to the new daylight savings time each spring/fall. However they do it a week early cause the US stupidly changed the day! So although I thought I had ony gotten 7 hours sleep I actually got 8-8 1/2. Havent done that in 3 weeks.
When I woke up the dogs were ready to go out and then eat...it's done already and they are content...last 3 weeks they have not been ready when i got up.
Lst night I asked my son if he would please sleep on the floor in the dog room so that I could clean in the morning instead of tip toeing around....so this morning as soon as i got up i turned on all the lights and opened up the drapes. because of our housing situation my son has been having to sleep on the couch in our tiny living room so in the mornings I creep as softly as possible with all the lights out and get ready for work in the dark. When i was off for surgery I was sleeping late and just getting up and turning things on and going despite his sleeping on the couch...but prior to that I had been doing as I did this week for what now its been 4 months???
I haven't had but 2 sips of coffee and i feel better than I have all week....will it last..I don't know, but I think it might....It is important to me to heal my relationship to my physical environment...sounds hochy, but for me it is all about how I relate to the world around me.
what does that have to do with sobriety? Well....I know that this past week of being "off center" my mind has had more of the old flashes of drink thoughts than I had had in a long time. Discomfort = the desire for the comfort and ease that once came with drinking.
Just wanted to share this with my friends at SR.
So what is different?
My clocks auto reset to the new daylight savings time each spring/fall. However they do it a week early cause the US stupidly changed the day! So although I thought I had ony gotten 7 hours sleep I actually got 8-8 1/2. Havent done that in 3 weeks.
When I woke up the dogs were ready to go out and then eat...it's done already and they are content...last 3 weeks they have not been ready when i got up.
Lst night I asked my son if he would please sleep on the floor in the dog room so that I could clean in the morning instead of tip toeing around....so this morning as soon as i got up i turned on all the lights and opened up the drapes. because of our housing situation my son has been having to sleep on the couch in our tiny living room so in the mornings I creep as softly as possible with all the lights out and get ready for work in the dark. When i was off for surgery I was sleeping late and just getting up and turning things on and going despite his sleeping on the couch...but prior to that I had been doing as I did this week for what now its been 4 months???
I haven't had but 2 sips of coffee and i feel better than I have all week....will it last..I don't know, but I think it might....It is important to me to heal my relationship to my physical environment...sounds hochy, but for me it is all about how I relate to the world around me.
what does that have to do with sobriety? Well....I know that this past week of being "off center" my mind has had more of the old flashes of drink thoughts than I had had in a long time. Discomfort = the desire for the comfort and ease that once came with drinking.
Just wanted to share this with my friends at SR.
Ways to get from here to there…..
Most of you know my situation.....
Here I sit in New York, in the comfort of two very good friends living room....contemplating my future. Make that OUR future. I am very sure I will be having my little girl here in New York surrounded by friends and family. In the back of my head, I am also pretty sure that I won't want to go back after knowing what REAL LOVE feels like.
ABF is all concerned. Wants to know if he'll see me in 2008. Wants to know if I am going to exclude him from the birth. To my knowledge, it still takes two to make something work. I did what was best for the baby and me. I left. He should understand that I did that so I could have a support network beyond his unreliable self.
So I think I'm pretty much going to tell him that there is lots of ways to get from Alabama to New York.... And if he really wanted to be a part of it that badly, and really loved us....he could use one of these ways to get to see her......I thought this could be fun for the SR gang....
Any suggestions????
Mine: Hitchhiking
Here I sit in New York, in the comfort of two very good friends living room....contemplating my future. Make that OUR future. I am very sure I will be having my little girl here in New York surrounded by friends and family. In the back of my head, I am also pretty sure that I won't want to go back after knowing what REAL LOVE feels like.
ABF is all concerned. Wants to know if he'll see me in 2008. Wants to know if I am going to exclude him from the birth. To my knowledge, it still takes two to make something work. I did what was best for the baby and me. I left. He should understand that I did that so I could have a support network beyond his unreliable self.
So I think I'm pretty much going to tell him that there is lots of ways to get from Alabama to New York.... And if he really wanted to be a part of it that badly, and really loved us....he could use one of these ways to get to see her......I thought this could be fun for the SR gang....
Any suggestions????
Mine: Hitchhiking
Obsessed Friend
I've been in recovery for 3 years. One of the things I have let go of is perfection and doing first things first. I was laid off a couple months ago and have been looking for a job. During this time I have picked up my friend's daughter from school, which is right around the corner from me. I picked her daughter up one day and had been doing laundry at home. There was a basket of folded laundry in my living room. The next day I was applying for jobs online and picked up her daughter again. She came to my house to get her daughter and saw the basket of laundry sitting there and used a shaming voice about my laundry still sitting there. One day her daughter asked to spend the night with my daughter when she came to pick her up. She started telling her daughter no because mommy would be lonely. I felt sick to my stomach. Her daughter was having problems with friends and now it was making sense whey her daughter was acting out. Things have gotten worse since then, so I have backed off from picking her daughter up from school and contacting her. She and her husband are separated and she would talk about him terribly. I thought it was him until she started this stuff with me. Now I can see why he doesn't want to be with her. It's gotten to the point where I don't want to be her friend anymore because her behavior is so intrusive and controlling. If she doesn't get her way with someone, she blows her stack. Does anyone have experience with this? I am starting to think it's best to sever the friendship.
