Drug Rehab Options Blog

Hi there! Just wanted to report that I went to see the psychiatrist/addictionologist for my 1 week check up. All is well. He wants me to stay on the plan of taking 12mg of Suboxone. He gave me a Rx for a month, and sent me on my way! It's so nice not to have to go back to see him for a month! Those co-pays add up!! The last few months were so bad, just from taking so many pills....I spent over $400 last month alone, just in co-pays and medicine! I had to pay cash for the meds since I was refilling them early..and so often!! It sucked! Now it's going to take me a few months just to catch up from all that...but, it'll be okay. At least I'm getting better!! Getting off the oxycodone and on the Suboxone is the best thing that's happened to me in a long long time!!! I feel great!!! :ghug2

I wish my AS never came home - i hate to admit it especially with the holidays but he does nothing but hurt. We've only had a couple of arguments but i feel like i'm walking on eggshells and the arguments are the same ones we have had for a year and a half.

He doesnt feel loved because i'm not all touchy feely with him - i dont have it in me to treat him like that. He as usual says i'm selfish and dont treat him like i love him. He says i work too much and i dont do anything to show i care about my kids. I do work too much but its because i get no child support. I telecommute and can work as much as i need to so i'm pretty much always working just to keep the bills paid. Its all I can do to keep the bills paid, buy the insulin, pay the doctor bills. He cannot see that one of the reasons i have to work so much is because he is an expensive child. When he goes through one of his "episodes" I will miss so much work running back and forth to court, hospitals, whatever that time takes and it takes a while to recoup. Not to mention that it costs a small fortune to feed a 16 yo boy.

I'm just hurt. i'm tired of being expected to sit around and never tell him how i feel. i'm a mom so i'm not allowed to make him feel bad by saying that he has hurt me. My life was so peaceful when it was just my daughter and me. It was wonderful and I was really starting to be happy for the first time in a long long time. Now its gone because he's here and when he's here the whole world has to focus on him and if you dont - you better watch out because he's going to punish you. I'm realizing that he just sucks the joy out of my life.

I sit here on Thanksgiving Day, thinking of all the things in my life that I am truly thankful for. First and foremost of course I am thankful that I have my son, he is my heart. Another thing that I am very thankful for right now is that I saw the light, and was finally almost two months ago able to get out of my abusive relationship with my crackhead addict ex b/f. When I first started posting on this forum I was looking for secret cures, for yall to tell me a shortcut way to "make him better." But in reality this site helped me realize things that I was trying to deny..like the fact that he was abusing me, forcing me to have sex when I didn't want to, tried to choke me twice, verbal abuse on a daily basis and much much more. I truly realize now that what they say is so true, that love is blind. When you love someone, you fail to see their faults...and when they are very big ones that put your well being in danger then that is unacceptable. But no matter who tries to tell you what, you will not see it until you are ready. And some people are not ready to say goodbye and move on and admit these things for a long long time. I am just glad that I woke up and saw the light when I did..that I did not allow him to continue to hurt me, and have an impact on my sons future. I'm saying a prayer right now for all of you out there that are battling the same things right now with people that you love. I pray that you will put your kids, and yourself first. YOU MATTER...and just because they will hurt if you leave them doesn't mean you should stay and waste your life away. YOU deserve to be happy. It is up to them to fix their lives, and no matter what you do you cannot fix them. You cannot take their money so they don't spend it, you cannot force them into therapy b/c it will not last, you cannot choose their path...they must make their own decisions...all you can do is help yourself, you get yourself and your kids out of the bad situation...and pray that one day they will find their way. And don't shed a tear as you walk out the door, get your number changed, get a new vehicle, and instruct people at work to call the cops when they come by...well I didn't anyways, and I never will again shed another tear for his sorry a$$...and neither should you. Look at the light...let it guide you.

I don't even know what to do with myself anymore. Nothing I try is making me feel any better. I'm going through the motions, trying to take care of myself, and still, I feel so much pain and heartache I can barely stand it.

I just cannot even believe that I'm here alone, and he's off somewhere with a new girlfriend and surely partying it up and making like I was the whole problem.

It's just not fair. I'm so devastated and I hurt so bad. I'm so afraid I'm going to feel like this for a long, long time ... and that the emotional scars from this are going to haunt me forever.

I know I cannot take him back and I cannot seem to move forward in a positive way ... so I'm stuck here in this horrible limbo and I just can't take much more of this. People keep trying to point out little things that they say show that I'm getting better (like i'm not crying ALL day, just a few hours a day) but quite honestly, I feel WORSE. I think I'm actually just covering up my pain better because people expect that I should be feeling better by now.

I'm so angry with myself for hurting so much over someone who has chosen EVERYTHING over me. Someone who LIED and told me he would never leave me, never betray me, never hurt me ... and who did all of those things and more. I'm so confused about how he could say things that clearly he didn't mean ... when I told him I loved him I meant it ... and I'm here trying to figure out how to unlove someone who logically, I KNOW doesn't deserve my love, or my tears, or my thoughts ... but I just feel so sad, hurt, betrayed, humiliated, abandoned ...

I read posts of people who are still affected years down the road by their ex's calling and I become so afraid that will be me ... years down the road still hoping to hear from him, wanting him to apologize and come back to me ... and I know I just cannot bear to feel this way for years on end ...

I'm so upset that it's been two months and he hasn't even called. He doesn't CARE about how I'm doing ... I cared about him and how he was doing for 2 years and he can't even care enough about me to call to see how I'm doing ... if I'm okay with all the bills he left me, and all the hurtful things he said. I would never have deserted him in this way and I don't know what part hurts the most ... knowing that he doesn't care, or wondering if he ever even cared at all ...

I feel like the last 2 years of my life were one big, fat lie and that he's been laughing at how easily he fooled me for this whole time.

I know, there will be people on this forum who will tell me, again, to take care of myself, to do something for myself that I enjoy, to go to therapy, to go to Alanon etc ... but I've done all of this except Alanon (can't find a meeting I can get to without a vehicle) and it's not helping ... I don't feel better, I feel worse ... and every day that goes by that he doesn't call is just another day that I realize how little the last 2 years meant to him at all ... and it makes me question even the good things about our relationship ... I thought I had finally found someone who would love me the way that I loved them ... and here I am again, hurting so badly that I can't stand it.

I'm fighting the urge to contact him ... and it's probably a good thing that I don't know exactly HOW to contact him right now ... the only thing really keeping me from contacting him is the very real fear that talking to him would bring me MORE pain and I just can't take anymore hurting ... there is so much hurt right now that I don't know where to put it all. I have such a short fuse, I don't even find enjoyment in my pets .... I feel horrible ... I feel like I should be finding them homes that will cherish them because right now, they are just a burden to me - it's all I can do to even care for them, and I resent them for needing to be cared for. How sick is that?? I feel like I'm just a black hole, sucking everyone and everything around me down into this horrible, depressing place that I'm in ...

I just want to sleep ... I want to sleep until it doesn't hurt anymore. I want to somehow erase the past 2 years of my life and forget that I ever loved him. I want to give this pain to him ... afterall ... it should be his to deal with, not mine ... and yet I'm stuck here, hurting so badly ...

I think of leaving town ... but then I realize I can't outrun this pain ... I feel like I'm trying to just run away from something that is faster than me ... and no matter where I go or what I do, this horrible, immense pain finds me ...

What if it doesn't get better??

i wrote on another thread that i had been sober for 6 months, this was a lie i guess i was ashamed to admit i was still a drunk, and a hopeless drunk, anyway last fryday i went and got drunk at the pub, when we got home a frightening scary thing started to happen to me, i wont say what it was because i will get told i should have gone to hospital but i didnt, im ok now but im so frightened it will happen again if i drink, which i dont want to ,
anyway i asked for this to happen to me, i prayed to god a few weeks ago and asked him to make me ill so i physically couldnt drink, and it looks like he answered my prayer,
so here i am, this is my wake up call, as far as im concerned if i drink again i could well die, i sank as low as i could go, almost died, almost lost everything and now ive been given another chance, i feel strangely calm for some reason and more optimistic than for a long , long time just thought i'd share this ,

little j. tried to commit sucide today. they found him with his wrist cut. it took 12 stiches.he is so sad. he has been in a locked down faculity since he was 15,almost 2yrs. now. it make me so sad. i do not know what the lesson in all of this is for me. there is nothing i can do for him or my j. i have cried to night for the first time in a long long time. it just too much. i also found out tonite my j. has been sent to the worst prison in n.c. i guess because of all the yrs he got. it is for violent inmates & it is also death row. it is alot & i do not know how to handle it. i can not help but believe they will both die in prison. before my recovery they found my son hanging in the jail, he had no heart beat & little pulse. please pray for my guys that they can find there light & they can get the strenght they need to endure the pain they r in. it hurts me so bad.

It seems to me that my ex has been getting away with stuff for so long ... and I have to pose this question to the list ... do they all eventually fall? Does their lifestyle always catch up to them eventually?

My ex has been stealing, lying, using and selling drugs for a long, long time and it seems like he's only been "caught" once when he stole beer from the local college and got caught on tape .... and even then, he got a slap on the wrist because he told them that HE was talked into it by his friend (ya right, i know for a fact he'd stolen beer from the same place on numerous occasions by himself). He's been on probation since then and even tho he's breached numerous times by not checking in, and just doesn't seem to be taking his conditions seriously (he's supposed to be seeing a therapist for possible mental health issues, supposed to get a job, supposed to abstain from drugs and alcohol) ... he seems to just thumb his nose at all of this, make excuses and get more probation ...

Now he's not in my life right now and I have no control over this ... and I'm not trying to get involved ... I'm just wondering ... do some ppl just fly enough under the radar to never have to face the consequences of their actions? Seems to me that the only times he's EVER considered that maybe his anger and drug use aren't helping him, it's been when he's had to spend a few days in jail ... but then someone always comes forward to get him out until his next court date ... don't the courts look at the whole situation and see that this is going on?? When is he going to have to really feel the consequences? Is it possible he'll go thru life just getting away with it? Seems to me that the longer he gets away with it, the cockier he'll get and that certainly won't make him want to change things ...

Anyone??

October 4

Thirty-day wonder

“When we first begin to enjoy relief from our addiction, we run the risk of assuming control of our lives again. We forget the agony and pain that we have known.”

Many of us have been “thirty-day wonders.” We were desperate and dying when we showed up at our first NA meeting. We identified with the addicts we met there and the message they shared. With their support, we were finally able to stop using and catch a free breath. For the first time in a long, long time, we felt at home. Overnight, our lives were transformed; we walked, talked, ate, drank, slept, and dreamed Narcotics Anonymous.

Then, Narcotics Anonymous lost its novelty. Meetings that had been a thrill became monotonous. Our wonderful NA friends became bores; their uplifting NA talk, drivel. When our former friends called, inviting us back for some of the old fun, we kissed our recovery goodbye.

Sooner or later, we made our way back to the rooms of Narcotics Anonymous. Nothing had changed out there, we’d discovered—not us, not our friends, not the drugs, not anything. If anything, it had gotten worse than ever.

True, NA meetings may not be a laugh riot, and our NA friends may not be spiritual giants. But there’s a power in the meetings, a common bond among the members, a life to the program that we can’t do without. Today, our recovery is more than just a fad—it’s a way of life. We’re going to practice living our program like our lives depend on it, because they do.


Just for today: I’m no “thirty-day wonder.” The NA way is my way of life, and I’m here for the duration.


Copyright © 1991-2008 by Narcotics Anonymous World Services, Inc. All Rights Reserved

Hi everyone you may recognize me from the novel I wrote about a week ago. I'm doing okay, however something is nagging at me...

Right now I have a real problem with who to try and talk to about this. I know I am going to have to tell my family about this eventually. But I have nobody to talk to; nobody understands my problem.

I think it started with my senior class shirts. My graduating class was the most heavy partying class in our school in a long long time, in a school that is well known for heavy partying. So we were considered by most grades a few years above and below us, from multiple high schools, as the "best of the best" as far as partying goes. I could honestly tell you 4/5 kids from my graduating class drank. Often. The social heirarchy, as crazy as this may sound, was built around how often you partied, and how hard you partied. And this ranged from the lowliest of freshmen all the way up to the craziest seniors. You were only as popular as your reputation for partying took you. And over the years I moved up to the top of the list as far as partiers went. So most people in the school saw me as the best of the best of the best. I was always invited to the best parties, everyone knew that where there was beer, and where I was, they would have a good time around me. I caught my brother bragging about me to the other freshmen, and it made me feel good, not like I was trying to impress freshmen or anything though...

Our senior class shirts, we made to say "Class of .08 (as in '08, which is of course the legal drunk limit for driving) on the front, on the back "Never forget... But can't remember" with a pong triangle and a ball dropping in (I voted for the "Up and Down the River" layout).

I showed my mom, who, for about 2.5 years at that point, had suspisions I drank and smoked bud, which she understood everyone does in high school, but had no idea the level at which I drank. She knew it was part of high school. When I showed her the shirt, she laughed and asked "Now be honest, you drank in high school right?"
"Yes"
"Alot?"
"Yes" (with a smrik on my face)
"Ever get completely messed up"
"Oh, yes... " and at this I can't help to giggle out loud at how naive she is.
"Oh, Cam... well, I can't say I'm proud, or glad, but I am kind of glad that you at least have some experience with beer (how naive...), becuase I get afraid when I hear these stories of kids going to college and drinking a handle of vodka and killing themselves."
"Yea, I know my limit."

And ever since then my mom knew, or at least had a small idea, on how much I drank. I'm at most likely one of the biggest party schools in the country, hence "the alcohol runs like tap water." I guess I more than fit in. And my parents know my school's reputation for parties, so now I feel comfortable telling them when I go to the apartments to party, because they know I drank in high school. And my mom went to Delaware, which aparrently is a decent party school, so she has an idea of what's going on. It wouldn't be a shock to them, you know?

But what they don't know is how badly I get messed up there. My parents probably think I'm having 2 drinks, getting happy, meeting some girls (which I make sure to do, of course), and leaving. They think I am being responsible, as they have thought I always have been, as I have given them no real reason to think otherwise. They don't know about my thoughts on tuesdays and wednesdays, or the whole week for that matter. They probably think I hate the taste of beer, as most kids I know claim, little do they know I'd order it at a restaurant if I was legal. I love the taste. And my tolerance, which, for my size, is somewhat absurd. Like I said, I basically have to chug 4-5 drinks before I feel a buzz. By the time I finish my 4th, my friend, who outwieghs me by about 50 pounds, is starting his second. I'm not trying to brag to anyone, as I said before- I'm trying to put my tolerance in perspective. This has gone on beyond a bragging subject.

I think I've been locked in the mindest I was forced into (not unwillingly though) in high school, where if you had two beers, especially the guys, sometimes even the girls, were laughed at called a little *****, and usually not invited back. Or you were mocked in school, and took a negative hit on your "reputaion." They were seen as a waste of alcohol: nobody had much money. However, I was never peer pressured into "binge drinking," it seemed almost natural, I enjoyed the rush of drinking hard and fast, but I always had that thought, early on as a sophomore, in the back in my mind.

I don't know where you stand chronologically in your family, but of my clan (Irish, thats what I call my family lol old school), I am the first of my generation to go to college and enter the real world. My father was one of eight, and I have around 20 cousins, who I feel I have the responsibility to set a good example for.

So my family loves me very much, and I love them all back. Thankfully I'm pretty sure my brother is staying away from the hardcore party scene, if it even exists in my hometown anymore. I don't like to talk to him about drinking, it seems kind of awkward, because I'm pretty sure he has never drank, and I have quite a bit. I can't really explain it. I'd say it would be like having to talk to him about sex. Which I'm pretty sure he hasn't done any of either. He's only 15 though. He is my best friend, and always will be. But I feel my reputation and the pedestal I was placed on top of might have corrupted his mind, and he may feel like he has huge shoes to fill, like Stifler's younger brother from the Naked Mile. Wow that was a perfect analogy. No joke. I mean who wouldn't want to be popular like I was? But he doesn't know how much I drank, or exactly how I got my reputation for partying, but I'm sure he could find out if he wanted to, and he may try to copy what I did, and he may end up like me now, or dead somewhere. Oh my god I can't even imagine finding out he drank himself to death, because I would know exactly why, but I wouldn't be able to say. And I'd know it would be all my fault, and I wouldn't be able to live with myslef.

And like I said, I would have a really hard time explaining how I developed this problem to my family, and he probably still thinks there is nothing wrong with what I did, and that I am feeling the consequences now.

So, did you tell your parents about your problem? I feel like I have to eventually tell them, like if I was cheating on my girlfriend or something. But my reputation will be ruined, as will theirs, as will my last name. "[Last Name]? Oh those are the folks whose kid became an alcoholic at 18." Who will my cousins have to look up to? Will my brother want to follow my example?

I'm facing alot of pressure here. And no, I am not relieving this pressure through drinking.

I am just so afraid to tell almost anyone I am close to. I mean my ex is still my best friend and very smart but shes only 17 and wouldn't understand. I was planning on talking to her sister because she's a junior in college now, but she does not have a drinking problem.

So, who that you are close to did you tell, if anyone? What did they say?

It's so easy for everyone to say "Well, why don't you just stop? I mean I do it all the time."

Thanks again, everyone.

I've not been here for a long, long time. I've just simply gone downhill.

I'm unemployed now so I can totally devote my days and my nights to drinking my life away.

I have really, really good insurance........Anthem........the best plan they offer.

My question is this.............where do I begin?

Do I start with a doc and ask for the pills that help you not to drink, do I start with AA or do I start with the insurance company?

I'm ready to check in to rehab.......ready to do whatever it takes.

I'm to the point that I drink all day and all night...........crash for a day to get over the hangover and then go do it again.

My life is totally out of control and I need help and I need help bad and I need it now.

I am a drunk.............an alcholic...............I can't help myself no more.......I need someone to help me help me and I want it.

Where do I begin? Please help me!

Love.............Starlite Dawn

PS...........Thank you in advance..............