Archive for the ‘Losses’ tag
So Many Stupid Mistakes …
I just kept making wrong decisions upon wrong decisions to the point where either I would make yet another one or I would be paralyzed to make any!
I had a red flad from the beginning 13 years ago, when we were first dating. He was drunk and beligerent one night and I told him he was an alcoholic. He told me that if I ever called him that again - I would never see him again. Oh how I wished I had heeded that flag! How different my life would be now ...
After that, he took over my life and as the years have progressed, I have made decisions that have cost me thousands of dollars, just because I didn't turf him when I had my best chances to do so. Now - in a recession, we'll never sell the house without losing on it, and I feel more stuck than EVER with him. He does bring in a fairly good income, but the price I have to pay for that, far exceeds the benefit.
How do you cut your losses and move on? At what point do you stop thinking 'what if' I'd cut them when there wasn't as much to lose as there is now?
I used to think I was stuck before, but now I actually believe that you can just get stucker and stucker, until you finally just sink ...
I had a red flad from the beginning 13 years ago, when we were first dating. He was drunk and beligerent one night and I told him he was an alcoholic. He told me that if I ever called him that again - I would never see him again. Oh how I wished I had heeded that flag! How different my life would be now ...
After that, he took over my life and as the years have progressed, I have made decisions that have cost me thousands of dollars, just because I didn't turf him when I had my best chances to do so. Now - in a recession, we'll never sell the house without losing on it, and I feel more stuck than EVER with him. He does bring in a fairly good income, but the price I have to pay for that, far exceeds the benefit.
How do you cut your losses and move on? At what point do you stop thinking 'what if' I'd cut them when there wasn't as much to lose as there is now?
I used to think I was stuck before, but now I actually believe that you can just get stucker and stucker, until you finally just sink ...
DRUG ADDICTION AND DRUG ABUSE
Drug abuse and addiction are a major burden to the society. The Estimates of the total overall costs of drug and substance abuse in the United States, including health, and crime-related costs as well as losses in productivity, exceed half a trillion dollars annually. This includes approximately $182 billion for illicit drugs, $169 billion for [...]
Language of Letting Go - Nov. 5 - Let’s Make a Deal
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality.
--Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Let's Make a Deal
The relationship just wasn't working out, and I wanted it to so badly. I kept thinking if I just made myself look prettier, if I just tried to be a more loving, kind person, then he would love me. I turned myself inside out to be something better, when all along, who I was was okay. I just couldn't see what I was doing, though, until I moved forward and accepted reality.
--Anonymous
One of the most frustrating stages of acceptance is the bargaining stage. In denial, there is bliss. In anger, there is some sense of power. In barraging, we vacillate between believing there is something we can do to change things and realizing there isn't.
We may get our hopes up again and again, only to have them dashed.
Many of us have turned ourselves inside out to try to negotiate with reality. Some of us have done things that appear absurd, in retrospect, once we've achieved acceptance.
"If I try to be a better person, then this won't happen...If I look prettier, keep a cleaner house, lose weight, smile more, let go, hang on more tightly, close my eyes and count to ten, holler, then I won't have to face this loss, this change."
There are stories from members of Al Anon about attempts to bargain with the alcoholic's drinking: "If I keep the house cleaner, he won't drink.... If I make her happy by buying her a new dress, she won't drink... If I buy my son a new car, he'll stop using drugs."
Adult children have bargained with their losses too: "Maybe if I'm the perfect child, then Mom or Dad will love and approve of me, stop drinking, and be there for me the way I want them to be." We do big, small, and in between things, sometimes-crazy things, to ward off, stop, or stall the pain involved with accepting reality.
There is no substitute for accepting reality. That's our goal. But along the way, we may try to strike a deal. Recognizing our attempts at bargaining for what they are - part of the grief process - helps our lives become manageable.
Today, I will give others and myself the freedom to fully grieve losses. I will hold myself accountable, but I will give myself permission to be human.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Language of Letting Go - November 1 - Transformation Through Grief
You are reading from the book The Language of Letting Go
Transformation through Grief
We're striving for acceptance in recovery - acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom - the freedom to take care of ourselves.
Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve acceptance, we go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness. We call these stages the grief process. Grief can be frustrating. It can be confusing. We may vacillate between sadness and denial. Our behaviors may vacillate. Others may not understand us. We may neither understand our own behavior nor ourselves while we're grieving our losses. Then one day, things become clear. The fog lifts, and we see that we have been struggling to face and accept a particular reality.
Don't worry. If we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we will move through this process at exactly the right pace. Be understanding with yourself and others for the very human way we go through transition.
Today, I will accept the way I go through change. I will accept the grief process, and its stages, as the way people accept loss and change.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
Transformation through Grief
We're striving for acceptance in recovery - acceptance of our past, other people, our present circumstances, and ourselves. Acceptance brings peace, healing, and freedom - the freedom to take care of ourselves.
Acceptance is not a one step process. Before we achieve acceptance, we go toward it in stages of denial, anger, negotiating, and sadness. We call these stages the grief process. Grief can be frustrating. It can be confusing. We may vacillate between sadness and denial. Our behaviors may vacillate. Others may not understand us. We may neither understand our own behavior nor ourselves while we're grieving our losses. Then one day, things become clear. The fog lifts, and we see that we have been struggling to face and accept a particular reality.
Don't worry. If we are taking steps to take care of ourselves, we will move through this process at exactly the right pace. Be understanding with yourself and others for the very human way we go through transition.
Today, I will accept the way I go through change. I will accept the grief process, and its stages, as the way people accept loss and change.
From The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie ©1990, Hazelden Foundation.
The Manipulation of an active alcoholic
Hi everyone. I was hoping that I could ask you all a favor. I am sober now for a few months and am working my recovery to the best of my ability. I had been floating in and out of AA for quite some time now, but never really "got" it until I had that spiritual awakening. Since then, I have made my sobriety and my recovery the main priority in my life, knowing that if I don't, nothing else good in my life will fall into place.
My gifts are being received almost daily. My oldest daughter has been returned to me legally by the court system, and my youngest is on her way. I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my baby, where before I only had visitation rights. I am finally starting to feel like a "Mom" again and am so very grateful that I am now well enough to take that task back on. I am also so grateful to my family and my daughter's father (even though we hate eachother) for stepping in and taking them from me, because it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start to get well. My 2 girls coming home to me I know is a gift from my Higher Power because of my honest sobriety.
It took awhile for me to be grateful for my alcoholism, at first I was mad that my sponsor said that having my children taken away and losing my soulmate was a gift from God, because it made me focus on myself. I hated her for saying that, but in time I came to realize that it is so true. Without my losses I would not be here today, clean and sober and active in my recovery, instead of active in addiction. I am truly a "grateful recovering alcoholic"!
A little history in the relationship department for you all. Please bear with me. My soulmate (who is not an alcoholic or addict) and I have been together off and on for over 7 years. During what I thought was a "break" I hooked up with another alcoholic and started feeding off of him. We fed eachothers addiction. I quickly became pregnant with my now 22 month old. I am a binge drinker and would stop for lengths of sobriety but did continue to drink here and there, even when I was pregnant. The father never stopped me because I'm sure he knew he was losing his "drinking" buddy. Us alcoholics we are selfish you know. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years flipping back and forth between my daughter's father and my soulmate. I love my soulmate, but he was a force in the way of me drinking and in my mind he would get in the way of my bottle. I spent 2 1/2 years manipulating anyone and anything I could to protect my booze and my "right" to drink. I did not want to quit drinking and would go to any lengths to make sure I protected that part of my life, despite the losses I was enduring on the way. I wasn't thinking about whom I hurt in my path of destruction, I only really thought of how I could continue to drink.
During that time, I would try to stay sober, sometimes for a few months at a time, but I was still obsessing about it constantly, thinking of when I would be "able" to drink again, and making sure I had it set up so that I could without any interference. I was the best at manipulation.
I lied, cheated and betrayed my soulmate beyond belief because he wouldn't let me drink, and the baby's father never had a problem with it. I tried to protect both relationships and I failied. But in my heart I did love my soulmate (and still do) so I could never really cut the cord with him. Deep down even during that dark time, I knew and still know that we are meant for eachother. He accepted my unexpected pregnancy with love and tried so hard to make things work between us. We had a future together and my disease sabotaged it.
I was talking to my soulmate the other day. He told me that he doesn't believe that all my actions in the past were due to alcohol. He said that I had been sober throughout all the bad stuff too, so I couldn't blame it all on booze. I'm not trying to blame booze entirely. I know it was my actions, sober or not, that was the end all of us. However he doesn't quite understand that even though I wasn't drinking at the time, I wasn't really in recovery. He doesn't understand the drive behind addiction and how one can be so manipulative. He also doesnt understand that even though I was sober, I wasn't really truly sober. He believes that I don't love him, and never did because if I did, I would have never lied to him, and cheated on him, or I should have chose "us" and our future. He doesn't quite understand that I wasn't capable of that.
I am currently trying to give him some space so that he can try to heal on his own. He is unwilling for us to try to heal "together" until he can heal himself. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and will always put my recovery above all else. I am practicing patience and acceptance.
With the exception of parenting, the baby's father and I have no relationship and we never will again. Our only commonality is/was booze. Without that we have nothing to offer eachother. That chapter of my life is finally over! Whew, thank God! I never really loved him in the first place, but we were drinking partners and being the good little alcoholic that I am I had to manipulate that situation to protect my right to drink at the time. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to do that anymore!! What a relief!
My soulmate has always been one to try to educate himself more about my addiction and be supportive. He's gone to AA meetings with me and sober function to learn more and show his support.
So, for the favor. Is there anyone willing to share their own personal story about active addiction? Whom you hurt in the process? Anyone that can explain the drive to manipulate? The drive to protect their active disease? The force of desire so strong that you didn't think about who you hurt, and never really cared anyway? How a dry drunk acts? I really would appreciate any personal stories and/or good links to direct him to. He keeps telling me that I never truly loved him or else I wouldn't have treated him the way I did. That to me is likened to when people tell me that if I just loved my children enough, I wouldn't have neglected them for drinking and I would of never lost them. I love my children more than the world, but that bottle was calling my name constantly. I take responsibility for my actions, but he thinks that side of me was the "true" me and is extremely hesitant to learn the "real" me. The kind, loving, trusting, and responsible me. Not just who I was way back when, but how I am continueing to grow daily and improve me even more so!! I was not an active alcoholic when we first me, so he has seen some part of the "true" me. That monster that I became is just not the person I am.
Thank you all for your help. Sorry that this was so long winded.
Achanceonu
:praying
My gifts are being received almost daily. My oldest daughter has been returned to me legally by the court system, and my youngest is on her way. I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my baby, where before I only had visitation rights. I am finally starting to feel like a "Mom" again and am so very grateful that I am now well enough to take that task back on. I am also so grateful to my family and my daughter's father (even though we hate eachother) for stepping in and taking them from me, because it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start to get well. My 2 girls coming home to me I know is a gift from my Higher Power because of my honest sobriety.
It took awhile for me to be grateful for my alcoholism, at first I was mad that my sponsor said that having my children taken away and losing my soulmate was a gift from God, because it made me focus on myself. I hated her for saying that, but in time I came to realize that it is so true. Without my losses I would not be here today, clean and sober and active in my recovery, instead of active in addiction. I am truly a "grateful recovering alcoholic"!
A little history in the relationship department for you all. Please bear with me. My soulmate (who is not an alcoholic or addict) and I have been together off and on for over 7 years. During what I thought was a "break" I hooked up with another alcoholic and started feeding off of him. We fed eachothers addiction. I quickly became pregnant with my now 22 month old. I am a binge drinker and would stop for lengths of sobriety but did continue to drink here and there, even when I was pregnant. The father never stopped me because I'm sure he knew he was losing his "drinking" buddy. Us alcoholics we are selfish you know. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years flipping back and forth between my daughter's father and my soulmate. I love my soulmate, but he was a force in the way of me drinking and in my mind he would get in the way of my bottle. I spent 2 1/2 years manipulating anyone and anything I could to protect my booze and my "right" to drink. I did not want to quit drinking and would go to any lengths to make sure I protected that part of my life, despite the losses I was enduring on the way. I wasn't thinking about whom I hurt in my path of destruction, I only really thought of how I could continue to drink.
During that time, I would try to stay sober, sometimes for a few months at a time, but I was still obsessing about it constantly, thinking of when I would be "able" to drink again, and making sure I had it set up so that I could without any interference. I was the best at manipulation.
I lied, cheated and betrayed my soulmate beyond belief because he wouldn't let me drink, and the baby's father never had a problem with it. I tried to protect both relationships and I failied. But in my heart I did love my soulmate (and still do) so I could never really cut the cord with him. Deep down even during that dark time, I knew and still know that we are meant for eachother. He accepted my unexpected pregnancy with love and tried so hard to make things work between us. We had a future together and my disease sabotaged it.
I was talking to my soulmate the other day. He told me that he doesn't believe that all my actions in the past were due to alcohol. He said that I had been sober throughout all the bad stuff too, so I couldn't blame it all on booze. I'm not trying to blame booze entirely. I know it was my actions, sober or not, that was the end all of us. However he doesn't quite understand that even though I wasn't drinking at the time, I wasn't really in recovery. He doesn't understand the drive behind addiction and how one can be so manipulative. He also doesnt understand that even though I was sober, I wasn't really truly sober. He believes that I don't love him, and never did because if I did, I would have never lied to him, and cheated on him, or I should have chose "us" and our future. He doesn't quite understand that I wasn't capable of that.
I am currently trying to give him some space so that he can try to heal on his own. He is unwilling for us to try to heal "together" until he can heal himself. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and will always put my recovery above all else. I am practicing patience and acceptance.
With the exception of parenting, the baby's father and I have no relationship and we never will again. Our only commonality is/was booze. Without that we have nothing to offer eachother. That chapter of my life is finally over! Whew, thank God! I never really loved him in the first place, but we were drinking partners and being the good little alcoholic that I am I had to manipulate that situation to protect my right to drink at the time. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to do that anymore!! What a relief!
My soulmate has always been one to try to educate himself more about my addiction and be supportive. He's gone to AA meetings with me and sober function to learn more and show his support.
So, for the favor. Is there anyone willing to share their own personal story about active addiction? Whom you hurt in the process? Anyone that can explain the drive to manipulate? The drive to protect their active disease? The force of desire so strong that you didn't think about who you hurt, and never really cared anyway? How a dry drunk acts? I really would appreciate any personal stories and/or good links to direct him to. He keeps telling me that I never truly loved him or else I wouldn't have treated him the way I did. That to me is likened to when people tell me that if I just loved my children enough, I wouldn't have neglected them for drinking and I would of never lost them. I love my children more than the world, but that bottle was calling my name constantly. I take responsibility for my actions, but he thinks that side of me was the "true" me and is extremely hesitant to learn the "real" me. The kind, loving, trusting, and responsible me. Not just who I was way back when, but how I am continueing to grow daily and improve me even more so!! I was not an active alcoholic when we first me, so he has seen some part of the "true" me. That monster that I became is just not the person I am.
Thank you all for your help. Sorry that this was so long winded.
Achanceonu
:praying
Is there hope?
In a lot of the posts that I have been reading in the friends and family groups, I keep seeing advice to "leave", "just get out now", "is this the life you want?", "he won't be the same"... etc. And although I have thought and said these very things to myself several times, I want to believe that there is hope. I feel like loved ones who are recovering literally have a big scarlet letter "A" painted on them. Now after an almost 9 year relationship of which only the past 3 years were tumultuous. I don't believe that I'm being recklessly hopeful in thinking that things will be better... but, from what I see written to others asking for similar advice is that chances are it's hopeless and the best thing to do is cut your losses, learn from the experience, and move on.
I also realize that I have my own codie issues and I'm looking into getting help for that myself in dealing with control and trust issues, but I'm also looking for encouragement that there is still hope in sticking around and believing. Is there anyone on both ends of this relationship (significant others and RA's) who have actually overcome this?
thanks:praying
I also realize that I have my own codie issues and I'm looking into getting help for that myself in dealing with control and trust issues, but I'm also looking for encouragement that there is still hope in sticking around and believing. Is there anyone on both ends of this relationship (significant others and RA's) who have actually overcome this?
thanks:praying
Sad today
Today just isnÂ’t a good day, I honestly donÂ’t know why though. Everything has been cool here since my brother came out of hospital, I set new boundaries and I stuck to them.
My mum was buying him groceries and leaving them here for him to collect, he ‘forgot’ and I was on pins wondering if he was going to turn up drunk. I told her it wasn’t my business what she bought for him but explained why I wouldn’t have it here again.
Anyway, apart from that everything has been great, kids are fine, work is good, weÂ’re going on holiday in a fortnight but I feel so sad. I donÂ’t think IÂ’m depressed, IÂ’ve been there before and it doesnÂ’t feel like that, I just feel sad.
Sad that life can turn out so different for my brother and other A’s, I’m sad that he was one of the ones who ‘had it all’ and appeared to either lose it or throw it all away.
Sad that heÂ’s so gifted and made a life from his gift, but doesnÂ’t have the confidence anymore to do the simples jobs (he started his business repairing stained glass windows in churches and making his own, even designing them)
IÂ’m sad that the rest of my family suffer because we love him, sad that it affects other relationships in the family.
Just sad in general today.
I used to think he really had it all, happily married, nice big house, blue eyed boy of the family. I wouldnÂ’t change places with him now though, not for anything, I know IÂ’m sad today, but IÂ’ve had nowhere near the torment and losses heÂ’s had.
I wonder if the ‘just for today’ line will work? Just for today I will be sad, tomorrow is another day and it’ll be a happier one.
My mum was buying him groceries and leaving them here for him to collect, he ‘forgot’ and I was on pins wondering if he was going to turn up drunk. I told her it wasn’t my business what she bought for him but explained why I wouldn’t have it here again.
Anyway, apart from that everything has been great, kids are fine, work is good, weÂ’re going on holiday in a fortnight but I feel so sad. I donÂ’t think IÂ’m depressed, IÂ’ve been there before and it doesnÂ’t feel like that, I just feel sad.
Sad that life can turn out so different for my brother and other A’s, I’m sad that he was one of the ones who ‘had it all’ and appeared to either lose it or throw it all away.
Sad that heÂ’s so gifted and made a life from his gift, but doesnÂ’t have the confidence anymore to do the simples jobs (he started his business repairing stained glass windows in churches and making his own, even designing them)
IÂ’m sad that the rest of my family suffer because we love him, sad that it affects other relationships in the family.
Just sad in general today.
I used to think he really had it all, happily married, nice big house, blue eyed boy of the family. I wouldnÂ’t change places with him now though, not for anything, I know IÂ’m sad today, but IÂ’ve had nowhere near the torment and losses heÂ’s had.
I wonder if the ‘just for today’ line will work? Just for today I will be sad, tomorrow is another day and it’ll be a happier one.
My Sponsor Passed
the man that was the most helpful in my recovery from alcohol, drugs, and myself... has passed on today...
he has been very ill for two long, and more operations did not help...
he had cancer...
i have had a number of losses in my time in recovery, the biggest one was SR's Miracal... my girlfriend...
before, and after her passing, Big Dan was there for me all the way...
he and i have very similar storys, his lady passed from addictions also...
with his wisdom, Big Dan has helped me to not only stay sober and face death...
Big Dan has helped me to grow up, and live the twelve steps of recovery...
you will be dearly missed Dan...
not only by me...
missed by all who's life you gave back to, loved, and touched...
rest in peace my spiritual father...
i miss you so already...
your a part of me, and i love you forever...
patrick
PS
Dan, i will be ok!
and i dont have to medicate my feelings...
you helped teach me that!
he has been very ill for two long, and more operations did not help...
he had cancer...
i have had a number of losses in my time in recovery, the biggest one was SR's Miracal... my girlfriend...
before, and after her passing, Big Dan was there for me all the way...
he and i have very similar storys, his lady passed from addictions also...
with his wisdom, Big Dan has helped me to not only stay sober and face death...
Big Dan has helped me to grow up, and live the twelve steps of recovery...
you will be dearly missed Dan...
not only by me...
missed by all who's life you gave back to, loved, and touched...
rest in peace my spiritual father...
i miss you so already...
your a part of me, and i love you forever...
patrick
PS
Dan, i will be ok!
and i dont have to medicate my feelings...
you helped teach me that!
Missing Hubcaps
A young man I have been working with for about four years has a problem with hubcaps. For some reason, he can't seem to keep hubcaps on his car. He will purchase a complete new set of hubcaps on EBAY and have them Priority Mailed to his home every time he losses just one.
Over the last few months, this young man has replaced his hubcaps numerous times. I asked him one day recently if he could not purchase just one hubcap at a time and he promptly told me that no, they only come four to the set. So, every few weeks, my young friend has the shiniest hubcaps in America at least until another fateful day.
I am like my friendÂ’s hubcaps, when he gets in a bind he finally comes around to talk. Please keep my friend in prayer.
Over the last few months, this young man has replaced his hubcaps numerous times. I asked him one day recently if he could not purchase just one hubcap at a time and he promptly told me that no, they only come four to the set. So, every few weeks, my young friend has the shiniest hubcaps in America at least until another fateful day.
I am like my friendÂ’s hubcaps, when he gets in a bind he finally comes around to talk. Please keep my friend in prayer.
Drug and Alcohol Testing in the Workplace
Drug abuse and alcoholism claims millions of dollars from the company’s treasury in the form of work place accidents, medical insurance, absenteeism, and lack of productivity. In order to avoid such losses, the employers have devised a mandatory drug and alcohol testing in the work place which is very popular now. But some of the [...]
