Drug Rehab Options Blog

Boy do I feel like an idiot already- I don't know much about "posting" etc. so I tried posting something- and accidently posted it on the "new to recovery" site- I hope I didn't make people who are trying to quit angry. Because when I was writing- I put in there what I wanted to ask people in this section. I will try and be brief. I have lived with my addict boyfriend for three years. At first I thought he just "partied" too much. Then I found out cocaine was involved. Now- the past year- I know that he is useing oxycodone. I have done everything I can to support/help him. I am in therapy myself- learning how to cope. He will not go to meetings- says he will then dosen't.
He cant come off these pills without HUGE withdrawls. He (upon my suggestion) asked me to call our doctor to see if he could help. will he follow up with the doctor and make the appointment?? I doubt it. Its like beating my head against a brick wall. I can't detatch. I have educated myself about the process- but I just can't. I keep waiting for the man I used to love to show up- it isn't happening- and I don't think it ever will. He said to me the other night- giving up coke and alcohol is "easy" he only needs help with quitting the pills - that he knows the PILLS are a problem?? Jezzzzz- are you kidding?? how can he believe that the pills are an issue- but the other stuff? eah no biggie>> its just complete craziness. I love this man, but I can't stay around being "detached" doing my own thing.... I would just rather live alone with my kids. to pretend the pink elephant in the room isn't there - just dosen't work for me. He dosen't steal from me, he is not abusive to me, he is just plain ol selfish, inconsiderate, and the CONSTANT partying ALWAYS comes before me and my children. I do not wish to PRETEND its not happening anymore. Do I sound selfish? I hope not, I am just exhausted emotionally- trying to help. And now trying to DETATCH. I have broken up with him before (my home) and when he leaves its a matter of days before we "talk" _ I "believe" and then we both pretend untill he comes home high as a kite and I loose it. ..... same merry-go-round. I know I'm at fault for accepting his behavior- and I'm sad for that. I didn't see how deep he was in- untill my heart was way to invested. I just need some help/support/ any words of wisdom, on how I can walk away and not go back on the merrygo round. Also, I need to know If others understand that I can't see myself staying and trying to "be there for him, yet remain detatched" I just cant do it- no matter how much I love- I feel it would be better to just move on, grieve the loss and get better for myself. It hurts terribly. and I will miss him, but I ALREADY miss the man I love, I just stay holding on to the slight glimpses i still see of him.
Sorry to be long-winded....
Thankyou for listening.
Cess

Today I had the WORST conversation I have ever had with the ex. He made me feel terrible. I didnt let him no that I felt that way. I am just heart broken. Stupid me still feels like this is gonna turn around. I keep thinking if he gets off the drugs he will see what he is doing.

I am so totally broken hearted. Today is my birthday. He never once mentioned it. Never said a word. Yet, he treated me as if I am the worse person on the face of the earth.

I told him to get the f out of my life. I am sooooo tired of feeling this way. I love this man so much and I dont know why anymore. He has not made one ounce of effort to show me ANYTHING.

I know that its the drugs I know that but it doesnt make it hurt any less. He again brought up how I owe him the rent money and how I am a thief. I just sat there. I just cant believe that the man I fell in love with would even utter these words to me.

I told him to come and get his crap cause I am tired of looking at it. He told me like 5 times dont worry I will be there tomorrow to get. I kept ok ok but he just keeps torturing me with it. Its like pulling a broken nail off the bed SLOWLY.

Do you think he knows how much he is hurting me?

I dont act this way to him.

I hate that I am so wishy-washy.

Lately, the AH has been calling...more than once a day, at work, on the cell, and at home. I have been taking his calls. He constantly asks if he can come home. I reply to the question with a question: are you trying recovery? Have you been to AA? Then I say, "we can't even begin to discuss fixing the marriage." Every day, he also needs something from his stuff, some of which is still at my house. I have a hard time letting it go, and I have a hard time dealing with seeing him.

This morning, since we share a cell phone service, which is under my name, he calls to ask if I will change the phone number--something which only I can do. He wants to loose the OW, and she won't stop calling him. When I said I would do that, but if I found that he gives it to her then I will be highly ticked. He said, "I am trying to work on saving my marriage..." I don't say anything. He also said he is going to AA starting today...I don't say anything.

The bottom line is: I love this man. I hate that this has happened. However, I am too tired emotionally and physically to handle the drama that comes with him. Not just his drinking, but his financial situation, his back child support, his inability to travel, his personal demons, his depression, and on and on. Even if he goes into recovery and stabilizes himself, I don't have the energy to go on. BUT I never tell him this. I am wishy washy.

I constantly find myself doing this in a lot of my relationships concerning men. Actually I find this in a lot of areas of my life. I modify myself to fit their personality or their situation. Then when they treat me in the manner in which I portray myself, I feel awful about myself and hurt that I have been used. I end up compromising my morals, my values, my goals, and everything else. And I never open my mouth and speak up...wishy washy.

Has anyone else felt this way? How have you conquered? Any advice for the meantime?

Thanks family.