Archive for the ‘Loving Family’ tag
Stressing out… and talking to myself
I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink...
And if I were to drink, I might feel better RIGHT NOW but later I will feel a LOT worse. Worse in too many ways to list. Worse in ways that it will take a long time to get over.
I am stressing out. I had a conversation with my 14-going-on-20 year old a little while ago. The conversation did not go to his liking and now he's probably going to give me the silent treatment. Nevermind that I spent an ungodly amount of money on football playoff tickets for his Christmas present and we're going tomorrow. Nevermind that he has a GOOD life in a NICE home with a LOVING family. I told him some stuff tonight that didn't fit in to his fantasy-land he's created in his mind so now he's going to pout.
So I called my husband (not his dad) to tell him about this conversation. Not to whine and complain about it, just to TELL him about it so that he would know the conversation took place. Lately it seems that I think I've told him something and he insists I haven't, and that upsets him (he says he feels left out and that no one ever tells him anything), so I'm making a concerted effort to be SURE I tell him what's going on.
Midway through the conversation he started to get really irritated and says, "You know, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore." Oooookay. So a minute later I tell him that I wasn't calling to upset him, or to get him all worked up and frustrated at the child, I just wanted to let him know that we had had this conversation, and I don't want him to come back a month from now when it probably comes up again and say that no one told him.
Well. That just pushed him right over the edge. He said, "Well now this conversation is just going VERY badly." I asked why, and he said, "Because you just told me that the only reason you even bothered to call me is so I can't come back later and say you never told me about this." I said NO, that is NOT what I said, I said I was calling so that you would know about the conversation and what was said. Yes, it will be nice if a month from now it doesn't get brought up that no one told you about it, but that was not my motive for calling you. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. He insisted that I must feel that he just treats me horribly. I said I do NOT see how you are getting that from what I just said, and you are completely twisting my words.
He said, "Fine", and I told him I'd let him know when I was on my way home and that was that.
I am *stressing* now.
And I'm at work, which is across the street from my old favorite liquor store.
3 months ago, I would have high-tailed it across the street - probably before coming here, even - and bought myself a nice treat.
Tonight I am NOT going to do that, but man... I'm remembering the days when I would have.
I used to not believe that I drank to cope or to "deal" with feelings, but the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that's EXACTLY what I did. It's kind of scary. It's no wonder that now that I'm 3+ months sober my first thought under stress is of booze. It's an automatic response. It's how I used to cope and I haven't learned any new coping techniques yet.
So as I do inventory tonight, I will be chanting to myself, "I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. It will not cure what is upsetting me, and it will only upset me more later. I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink."
Maybe it's a step in the right direction that I can now realize that drinking was my way of coping... but it honestly sucks to realize I don't know how to cope.
But I will not drink.
And if I were to drink, I might feel better RIGHT NOW but later I will feel a LOT worse. Worse in too many ways to list. Worse in ways that it will take a long time to get over.
I am stressing out. I had a conversation with my 14-going-on-20 year old a little while ago. The conversation did not go to his liking and now he's probably going to give me the silent treatment. Nevermind that I spent an ungodly amount of money on football playoff tickets for his Christmas present and we're going tomorrow. Nevermind that he has a GOOD life in a NICE home with a LOVING family. I told him some stuff tonight that didn't fit in to his fantasy-land he's created in his mind so now he's going to pout.
So I called my husband (not his dad) to tell him about this conversation. Not to whine and complain about it, just to TELL him about it so that he would know the conversation took place. Lately it seems that I think I've told him something and he insists I haven't, and that upsets him (he says he feels left out and that no one ever tells him anything), so I'm making a concerted effort to be SURE I tell him what's going on.
Midway through the conversation he started to get really irritated and says, "You know, I don't think I want to talk about this anymore." Oooookay. So a minute later I tell him that I wasn't calling to upset him, or to get him all worked up and frustrated at the child, I just wanted to let him know that we had had this conversation, and I don't want him to come back a month from now when it probably comes up again and say that no one told him.
Well. That just pushed him right over the edge. He said, "Well now this conversation is just going VERY badly." I asked why, and he said, "Because you just told me that the only reason you even bothered to call me is so I can't come back later and say you never told me about this." I said NO, that is NOT what I said, I said I was calling so that you would know about the conversation and what was said. Yes, it will be nice if a month from now it doesn't get brought up that no one told you about it, but that was not my motive for calling you. I just wanted to let you know what was going on. He insisted that I must feel that he just treats me horribly. I said I do NOT see how you are getting that from what I just said, and you are completely twisting my words.
He said, "Fine", and I told him I'd let him know when I was on my way home and that was that.
I am *stressing* now.
And I'm at work, which is across the street from my old favorite liquor store.
3 months ago, I would have high-tailed it across the street - probably before coming here, even - and bought myself a nice treat.
Tonight I am NOT going to do that, but man... I'm remembering the days when I would have.
I used to not believe that I drank to cope or to "deal" with feelings, but the more I think about it the more I am starting to realize that's EXACTLY what I did. It's kind of scary. It's no wonder that now that I'm 3+ months sober my first thought under stress is of booze. It's an automatic response. It's how I used to cope and I haven't learned any new coping techniques yet.
So as I do inventory tonight, I will be chanting to myself, "I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink. It will not cure what is upsetting me, and it will only upset me more later. I will not drink, I will not drink, I will not drink."
Maybe it's a step in the right direction that I can now realize that drinking was my way of coping... but it honestly sucks to realize I don't know how to cope.
But I will not drink.
New and looking for advice or support
Hi everyone. I'm new to the forum and have been reading a few posts here and there and have already found some answers I have been looking for, but would like some further advice or support from people who are in my shoes so here it goes....
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Two months ago he was arrested for possession of meth. That is when it my fears of suspecting he was on meth was confirmed. I like to see myself as very level headed, well rounded, undertanding and smart, but after this I feel that all went out the window. I knew something was not right with him. I have always been very anti drug, never wanted to try it, not even weed or cigarettes. The only thing I do is drink when I go out. When I met my boyfriend, he smoked weed and I knew a couple years before I met him he use to go to raves and do E. he didn't do any of that as far as I know after we got together and after the first 6 moths he stopped smoking weed. A couple of times I found a pipe and cut straws in his pant pockets and as time went on, his financial situation got to be really bad. Come to find out he has been doing meth on and off for 6 years....2 years before we got together. Right before he was arrested, I was going to break up with him. I am 26 years old and my goal right now is to complete my BA, get my house, and start a family and he just did not fit into that picture anymore, but right now I am here for him mainly for support. He comes from a loving family, has a great 5 year old son, HAD good friends. Sorry so long, but here is the gist of it. At this point, he has already stayed 30 days in a residential treatment home, he is currently in a sober living environment and gets tested every so often and attends meeting very frequently. I have noticed a great change in him all around as I think he has noticed in himself as well. His moods are better, he has energy, he takes care of business, he talks about his fears, anxiety...he actually has feelings, but I am fully aware he is in a controlled environment right now. My biggest fear is him relapsing. I am trying to be supportive and I think I'm doing a great job at it, but if he relapses, I know I'll be angry and resentful. As I read in some other posts, I have to decide on what I can live with and ultimately that is what matters, but I feel like I am so unguided in this situation. There is no one I can talk to close to me who can help me sort out my scattered thoughts and feelings because they don't understand. I know there are no "answers", but I need something of substance to help guide me in my decision. I am mad that he was able to hide this for so long, but through meetings and counseling, I know it was the drug who made him that way. I am also trying not to cross the fine line of being educated and understanding to just being blinded and stupid. Before this our biggest issue was money and now I know why, I guess I'm hoping that if he can overcome his addiction things will be the way they were suppose to be and the way we planned. I understand addiction is a lifelong struggle and I have to be prepared to commit to that. Any comments would be much appreciated.
My boyfriend and I have been together for 4 1/2 years. Two months ago he was arrested for possession of meth. That is when it my fears of suspecting he was on meth was confirmed. I like to see myself as very level headed, well rounded, undertanding and smart, but after this I feel that all went out the window. I knew something was not right with him. I have always been very anti drug, never wanted to try it, not even weed or cigarettes. The only thing I do is drink when I go out. When I met my boyfriend, he smoked weed and I knew a couple years before I met him he use to go to raves and do E. he didn't do any of that as far as I know after we got together and after the first 6 moths he stopped smoking weed. A couple of times I found a pipe and cut straws in his pant pockets and as time went on, his financial situation got to be really bad. Come to find out he has been doing meth on and off for 6 years....2 years before we got together. Right before he was arrested, I was going to break up with him. I am 26 years old and my goal right now is to complete my BA, get my house, and start a family and he just did not fit into that picture anymore, but right now I am here for him mainly for support. He comes from a loving family, has a great 5 year old son, HAD good friends. Sorry so long, but here is the gist of it. At this point, he has already stayed 30 days in a residential treatment home, he is currently in a sober living environment and gets tested every so often and attends meeting very frequently. I have noticed a great change in him all around as I think he has noticed in himself as well. His moods are better, he has energy, he takes care of business, he talks about his fears, anxiety...he actually has feelings, but I am fully aware he is in a controlled environment right now. My biggest fear is him relapsing. I am trying to be supportive and I think I'm doing a great job at it, but if he relapses, I know I'll be angry and resentful. As I read in some other posts, I have to decide on what I can live with and ultimately that is what matters, but I feel like I am so unguided in this situation. There is no one I can talk to close to me who can help me sort out my scattered thoughts and feelings because they don't understand. I know there are no "answers", but I need something of substance to help guide me in my decision. I am mad that he was able to hide this for so long, but through meetings and counseling, I know it was the drug who made him that way. I am also trying not to cross the fine line of being educated and understanding to just being blinded and stupid. Before this our biggest issue was money and now I know why, I guess I'm hoping that if he can overcome his addiction things will be the way they were suppose to be and the way we planned. I understand addiction is a lifelong struggle and I have to be prepared to commit to that. Any comments would be much appreciated.
My secret..
Hi All,
I hope you can offer me some suggestions or understanding..
I'm a 23 year old female and the daughter of a drunk.
My dad has been a drunk for as long as I can remember and is also father to 3fantastic children and has a wonderful wife who he married at the age of 19. My dad is now in his 50's and after a lifetime of drugs/alcohol abuse and years of rehab is still a drunk.
This is the first post for me, and also the first time that I have told my secret as I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed as a child about my father.
Dad has had years and years of support and love from his family and was sober for a period of 6 years after my baby brother was born (now 15 years old). My dad is also has depression and dipolar.
My childhood is filled with no happy memories of my father, only those of being in a dressing gown on a cold winters night when we would drive around for hours looking for my dad only to find him in a pub, police station, or hospital beaten up.
Dad has been suicidal all his life and have lost count of the amount of times his wanted to kill himself even though he has a loving family.
I left home when I was 15 years old to escape the sad depressing lifestyle that I had at home, an older sister who was also suicidal (inherited bipolar from my dad) and mother who was mean, abusive and took her anger out on myself as a teenager.
Long story short, I'm now 23, my dad lives at home with my Mum/sister/brother in another state and I'm in Queensland with my future husband.
Dad goes through periods where he is sober for 6 months then disappears on a bender for a week at a time taking drugs, speed, etc gets beaten up then arrives back home a few weeks later.. his in a depressive state for weeks following then improves and does the same thing all over again.
His been given everything to try and make him 'happy', cars (his passion) a baby son, etc but nothing helps.
How long will this go on for? My dads in his 50's now and still acting like an 18 year old.. he was drinking in a car park all by himself last night until the early hours of the morning.. he doesn?t understand alcohol makes his depression worse, he hears voices and gets himself in trouble when ever his drunk.
Its painful to see my little brother live through what I did, seeing you dad come home with a broken nose/black eyes from more pub fights and worrying about him being suicidal constantly. Then you?re mum constantly crying because she cant cope.
I love my dad. When his sober (and takes his medication) his fantastic, kind, gentle, caring, generous, funny, just a fantastic guy.. but when my dads a drunk it causes so much pain.. I don?t know how much more my mum can take.. she tries to kick him out or send him to rehab (for the 20th time) but then he says he will kill himself.
What can I do? I know nothing can change until he helps himself, but what do I do, sit back and watch him drink until his death?
We have tried holidays, medication, rehab, talking to him, letters... nothing works for more than a few months... I feel so disappointed all over again...
:c004:
Any my poor brother.. growing up living with all of this..
K.
I hope you can offer me some suggestions or understanding..
I'm a 23 year old female and the daughter of a drunk.
My dad has been a drunk for as long as I can remember and is also father to 3fantastic children and has a wonderful wife who he married at the age of 19. My dad is now in his 50's and after a lifetime of drugs/alcohol abuse and years of rehab is still a drunk.
This is the first post for me, and also the first time that I have told my secret as I was made to feel ashamed and embarrassed as a child about my father.
Dad has had years and years of support and love from his family and was sober for a period of 6 years after my baby brother was born (now 15 years old). My dad is also has depression and dipolar.
My childhood is filled with no happy memories of my father, only those of being in a dressing gown on a cold winters night when we would drive around for hours looking for my dad only to find him in a pub, police station, or hospital beaten up.
Dad has been suicidal all his life and have lost count of the amount of times his wanted to kill himself even though he has a loving family.
I left home when I was 15 years old to escape the sad depressing lifestyle that I had at home, an older sister who was also suicidal (inherited bipolar from my dad) and mother who was mean, abusive and took her anger out on myself as a teenager.
Long story short, I'm now 23, my dad lives at home with my Mum/sister/brother in another state and I'm in Queensland with my future husband.
Dad goes through periods where he is sober for 6 months then disappears on a bender for a week at a time taking drugs, speed, etc gets beaten up then arrives back home a few weeks later.. his in a depressive state for weeks following then improves and does the same thing all over again.
His been given everything to try and make him 'happy', cars (his passion) a baby son, etc but nothing helps.
How long will this go on for? My dads in his 50's now and still acting like an 18 year old.. he was drinking in a car park all by himself last night until the early hours of the morning.. he doesn?t understand alcohol makes his depression worse, he hears voices and gets himself in trouble when ever his drunk.
Its painful to see my little brother live through what I did, seeing you dad come home with a broken nose/black eyes from more pub fights and worrying about him being suicidal constantly. Then you?re mum constantly crying because she cant cope.
I love my dad. When his sober (and takes his medication) his fantastic, kind, gentle, caring, generous, funny, just a fantastic guy.. but when my dads a drunk it causes so much pain.. I don?t know how much more my mum can take.. she tries to kick him out or send him to rehab (for the 20th time) but then he says he will kill himself.
What can I do? I know nothing can change until he helps himself, but what do I do, sit back and watch him drink until his death?
We have tried holidays, medication, rehab, talking to him, letters... nothing works for more than a few months... I feel so disappointed all over again...
:c004:
Any my poor brother.. growing up living with all of this..
K.
looking up at a mountain
hello
i'm giving sobriety yet another go.
i'm a binge drinker. fortunately i'm in a job which makes it impossible for me to drink during the week, but boy do i make up for it at the weekend.
as per usual i'm being driven on by self loathing and guilt. it's very hard to live with myself when i feel this way, yet i know that when this feeling wears off the desire to drink again will return. why oh why do i continue to push
the self destruct button when i have pretty good life and loving family?
i'd like to give this forum a go. i've already found many helpful posts.
best wishes to you all.
i'm giving sobriety yet another go.
i'm a binge drinker. fortunately i'm in a job which makes it impossible for me to drink during the week, but boy do i make up for it at the weekend.
as per usual i'm being driven on by self loathing and guilt. it's very hard to live with myself when i feel this way, yet i know that when this feeling wears off the desire to drink again will return. why oh why do i continue to push
the self destruct button when i have pretty good life and loving family?
i'd like to give this forum a go. i've already found many helpful posts.
best wishes to you all.
Still drinking
Hi everyone,
I have never been an "admitted" alcoholic, but I do admit it to myself--just not others. I need help in learning how to live long term without alcohol. I can not drink for months, but once I fall off, I will drink a large bottle of wine alone. My life is AWESOME. I have no huge issues that I know of. We have a loving family, money, jobs and fun. I am sure this is genetic. HELP me figure out what to do. Part of me wants to get involved in something like AA and other parts of me thinks I should do a treatment program. "Something" encourages me to drink and it is NOT my LIFE.
All support appreciated.
Thanks
Loves
I have never been an "admitted" alcoholic, but I do admit it to myself--just not others. I need help in learning how to live long term without alcohol. I can not drink for months, but once I fall off, I will drink a large bottle of wine alone. My life is AWESOME. I have no huge issues that I know of. We have a loving family, money, jobs and fun. I am sure this is genetic. HELP me figure out what to do. Part of me wants to get involved in something like AA and other parts of me thinks I should do a treatment program. "Something" encourages me to drink and it is NOT my LIFE.
All support appreciated.
Thanks
Loves
Why is it so hard to leave?
Here is my daily post......and the tone is somber.
I think I have hit my codie bottom. For the past week and a half or so I have been posting nearly every day, seeking help and advice from so many of you kind people. I have spoken with my friends and family. Everyone is saying the same thing. That I should go home.
My father asked me to do it for him. That he doesn't ask for a lot, but this time he is asking me to leave.
ABF went on a 5 day coke binge about 2 weeks ago- didn't come home, didn't call me for 2 days. Lost his job. This has happened for atleast the 4th time in our relationship (I've lost count).
He is in and out of jobs....5 months ago he was a bartender at a restaurant, before that he was cutting trees for a few months to get through Christmas.
I am 32 weeks pregnant and need some stability in my life. Currently, ABF is using pot, and drinking 6-7 beers a night (that is the norm, it is sometimes more). He is not violent, but can be manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive. He of course, refuses to admit he has a problem.
He remains currently unemployed, and is currently collecting unemployment. He is supposed to talk to a restaurant right next to the house tomorrow for a (guess what) bartending position. He is also supposed to apply for a job at a furniture warehouse on Tuesday. Our neighbor is the hiring manager, and told him he would give him the heads up about a drug test.
I was told that post partum depression just doesn't happen in the South....that women know how to take care of their babies. His parents never call me----and they live an hour away. I have few friends here....my only support network really is him.....and he is shaky at best. I am seeking support from my loving family who I know will not only help me get through the end of my pregnancy, but will support me after having the baby. ( My mother had post partum psychosis....I am afraid that I am pre-disposed).
We currently have no money. I find it funny that last week I gave him 80 bucks, and kept 20 for myself. This is funny because I spent my 20 at the Goodwill on baby stuff. He spent his 80 on beer, cigarettes pot and gas.
His son spent the weekend this weekend and while yesterday he got up at 8 AM, he went back to sleep for three hours while I took his son to the pool.
He does have some good points. Since he's been unemployed, he's been making dinner....and cleaning the house. I know however, he'll be right back at the same old stuff once he's employed.
All these things tell me that its really time to start packing. And yet---I am so scared. I don't want to leave. I have been emotionally distant from him....and I know he knows something is up. All I want is to run and hug him and tell him how much I really do love him. His love hurts so much though.
The ramblings of a 27 year old mind on a Sunday morning......
If anyone has any pearls of wisdom about their leaving story....feel free to share.
I think I have hit my codie bottom. For the past week and a half or so I have been posting nearly every day, seeking help and advice from so many of you kind people. I have spoken with my friends and family. Everyone is saying the same thing. That I should go home.
My father asked me to do it for him. That he doesn't ask for a lot, but this time he is asking me to leave.
ABF went on a 5 day coke binge about 2 weeks ago- didn't come home, didn't call me for 2 days. Lost his job. This has happened for atleast the 4th time in our relationship (I've lost count).
He is in and out of jobs....5 months ago he was a bartender at a restaurant, before that he was cutting trees for a few months to get through Christmas.
I am 32 weeks pregnant and need some stability in my life. Currently, ABF is using pot, and drinking 6-7 beers a night (that is the norm, it is sometimes more). He is not violent, but can be manipulative and emotionally and verbally abusive. He of course, refuses to admit he has a problem.
He remains currently unemployed, and is currently collecting unemployment. He is supposed to talk to a restaurant right next to the house tomorrow for a (guess what) bartending position. He is also supposed to apply for a job at a furniture warehouse on Tuesday. Our neighbor is the hiring manager, and told him he would give him the heads up about a drug test.
I was told that post partum depression just doesn't happen in the South....that women know how to take care of their babies. His parents never call me----and they live an hour away. I have few friends here....my only support network really is him.....and he is shaky at best. I am seeking support from my loving family who I know will not only help me get through the end of my pregnancy, but will support me after having the baby. ( My mother had post partum psychosis....I am afraid that I am pre-disposed).
We currently have no money. I find it funny that last week I gave him 80 bucks, and kept 20 for myself. This is funny because I spent my 20 at the Goodwill on baby stuff. He spent his 80 on beer, cigarettes pot and gas.
His son spent the weekend this weekend and while yesterday he got up at 8 AM, he went back to sleep for three hours while I took his son to the pool.
He does have some good points. Since he's been unemployed, he's been making dinner....and cleaning the house. I know however, he'll be right back at the same old stuff once he's employed.
All these things tell me that its really time to start packing. And yet---I am so scared. I don't want to leave. I have been emotionally distant from him....and I know he knows something is up. All I want is to run and hug him and tell him how much I really do love him. His love hurts so much though.
The ramblings of a 27 year old mind on a Sunday morning......
If anyone has any pearls of wisdom about their leaving story....feel free to share.
Codependent to alcoholic Help!!!!!!!!
Hello~
I'm just looking for help because I feel that I am the addict and not my former recovering alcoholic flame.
I met him online:Ivy league grad, charming, smart, working for Public company, from very wealthy background and perfect loving family. We met 3 times(great connection, fun and laughter), and then he vanished, claiming he was too busy to date me...Ok, I was very sad but I let go...
He called in 2 months out of the blue, and said that he wants to spend his birthday with me, as friends. He told me he moved back to San Francisco to work for his dad, and that he had some alcohol problems. He spend a month clearing up "the shakes". I was like, sure, everyone drinks in college, so he had to stop partying. Normal right? We met and it was wonderful! Then he went home, and the emails started pouring in: how he was broken, mistreated many people, but how I am so special and he is so positive for his future. We met just two other times, and it was awesome. He was very nice and loving, and we had a great time holding hands.And we talked every day, by texting, emailing, and phone calls.
Few months passed, and he was studying for the Bar, so I excused him for not being very responsive and lowering the communication. Then one day, out of the blue and right after telling me how much he misses me,he stopped picking up the phone. I called 5 days in a row, i thought somehting bad happened. On the end, I called from another phone, and he said he wanted to see what will happen if he doesn't pick up?!?!From that on, he would randomly respond to some of my texts, and disappear for days. I felt he had fun making me miserable. I begged him to tell me that its over, but he just remained quiet for days, then come up with a crazy excuse how he was in Canada, so forth...Finally I forced him to send me a good bye its over email blaming the long distance...
It looks fine right? But I always felt there is some very illogical, mean, cruel part of this man, yet I am so obssessed with him. I have been living right next to my phone, just waiting for him to text or call...I read about alcoholics, and how twisted they can be...I am so scared, but I can't let go...
I write to him every day, like I am an addict myself...I write him postive things, and how I want to support him, and I know he doesn't understand half of this, but I want him so much to be well...
I have been in healthy relationships, and I have never been so co-dependent. I am pretty, datable, responsible girl with very good job.But maybe because he never gave me any reassurance, and I thought I am not good enough for him and his rich WASP family.But I need help...How can I stop contacting him...I read every article about alcoholism, and how lucky am I that he left, but I need to stop calling him...Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Is there a therapy group for people like me in love with alcoholics? I am left with so many new issues after this short-lived 5 months long-distance romance, because he messed up my head and twisted my logic.
I'm just looking for help because I feel that I am the addict and not my former recovering alcoholic flame.
I met him online:Ivy league grad, charming, smart, working for Public company, from very wealthy background and perfect loving family. We met 3 times(great connection, fun and laughter), and then he vanished, claiming he was too busy to date me...Ok, I was very sad but I let go...
He called in 2 months out of the blue, and said that he wants to spend his birthday with me, as friends. He told me he moved back to San Francisco to work for his dad, and that he had some alcohol problems. He spend a month clearing up "the shakes". I was like, sure, everyone drinks in college, so he had to stop partying. Normal right? We met and it was wonderful! Then he went home, and the emails started pouring in: how he was broken, mistreated many people, but how I am so special and he is so positive for his future. We met just two other times, and it was awesome. He was very nice and loving, and we had a great time holding hands.And we talked every day, by texting, emailing, and phone calls.
Few months passed, and he was studying for the Bar, so I excused him for not being very responsive and lowering the communication. Then one day, out of the blue and right after telling me how much he misses me,he stopped picking up the phone. I called 5 days in a row, i thought somehting bad happened. On the end, I called from another phone, and he said he wanted to see what will happen if he doesn't pick up?!?!From that on, he would randomly respond to some of my texts, and disappear for days. I felt he had fun making me miserable. I begged him to tell me that its over, but he just remained quiet for days, then come up with a crazy excuse how he was in Canada, so forth...Finally I forced him to send me a good bye its over email blaming the long distance...
It looks fine right? But I always felt there is some very illogical, mean, cruel part of this man, yet I am so obssessed with him. I have been living right next to my phone, just waiting for him to text or call...I read about alcoholics, and how twisted they can be...I am so scared, but I can't let go...
I write to him every day, like I am an addict myself...I write him postive things, and how I want to support him, and I know he doesn't understand half of this, but I want him so much to be well...
I have been in healthy relationships, and I have never been so co-dependent. I am pretty, datable, responsible girl with very good job.But maybe because he never gave me any reassurance, and I thought I am not good enough for him and his rich WASP family.But I need help...How can I stop contacting him...I read every article about alcoholism, and how lucky am I that he left, but I need to stop calling him...Help me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Is there a therapy group for people like me in love with alcoholics? I am left with so many new issues after this short-lived 5 months long-distance romance, because he messed up my head and twisted my logic.
Then you really might know what its like.
I always played the poor me card. All my life.
Poor me this and poor me that.
All the while I was too busy looking at what was wrong with my life. I never relized what was good.
That may have played a part in my addiction.
Surrounded by happiness and love and never saw it because I was too wrapped up in my darkness.
I would often hear my grams say..your a lucky girl. And I was like yea right.
Why? Because I didnt have a mom..I didnt have a dad. I was asian and got picked on. I wasnt the prettiest girl or popular.
I wasnt good at sports otr didnt do good in school.
Later in life it became. I am not good enough to do that. I am not smart enough. I just dont have what it takes. Why do I have to have alcoholic grandparents? Why am I an addict? Why cant I just be successful like the rest of my family.
NOW...I see. I held myself back. With my thinking. Whoaes me.
I dont have the good job or the college degree. So I am not worth anyhting.
I have a crap job..no car. No money saved. Dont own a house.
But I have begun to see throuhg my recovery. That I have everything a person could ever hope for.
Thats a roof over my head..food in my fridge..A wonderful loving family who accept me for me. A job that pays. Wonderful funny beautiful children who love me and feel safe with me. I have my life drug free again. I am able to struggle in a good way to live happily the way I was meant to. I know no matter what I will always have my family.
I was so spoiled all my life and it caused me to take advantage of alot of things that matter in life. Now as I grow older and grow in my recovery. I can appreciate the things that really matter.
This song got me thinking of all that.
To me this song says....There is always someone worse off than me. Without choice. Be thankful for what I have and not worry about what I dont.
Poor me this and poor me that.
All the while I was too busy looking at what was wrong with my life. I never relized what was good.
That may have played a part in my addiction.
Surrounded by happiness and love and never saw it because I was too wrapped up in my darkness.
I would often hear my grams say..your a lucky girl. And I was like yea right.
Why? Because I didnt have a mom..I didnt have a dad. I was asian and got picked on. I wasnt the prettiest girl or popular.
I wasnt good at sports otr didnt do good in school.
Later in life it became. I am not good enough to do that. I am not smart enough. I just dont have what it takes. Why do I have to have alcoholic grandparents? Why am I an addict? Why cant I just be successful like the rest of my family.
NOW...I see. I held myself back. With my thinking. Whoaes me.
I dont have the good job or the college degree. So I am not worth anyhting.
I have a crap job..no car. No money saved. Dont own a house.
But I have begun to see throuhg my recovery. That I have everything a person could ever hope for.
Thats a roof over my head..food in my fridge..A wonderful loving family who accept me for me. A job that pays. Wonderful funny beautiful children who love me and feel safe with me. I have my life drug free again. I am able to struggle in a good way to live happily the way I was meant to. I know no matter what I will always have my family.
I was so spoiled all my life and it caused me to take advantage of alot of things that matter in life. Now as I grow older and grow in my recovery. I can appreciate the things that really matter.
This song got me thinking of all that.
To me this song says....There is always someone worse off than me. Without choice. Be thankful for what I have and not worry about what I dont.
