Drug Rehab Options Blog

I was at peace with seperating from Ah (I posted a while ago about me making plans to leave). Before I could do things how I wanted, Ah had a really bad night and I had to leave abruptly with the kids (I stayed at my mom's until yesterday). This was about 2 weeks ago.

After much pleading from AH that he needs his family and the promise that he had started his recovery (going to counceling)and has been sober, last night I came back home.
I could tell instantly that he was not sober. So I imedately started looking for places to live (once again).
He realized he messed up and called his mother and she picked him up and took him to her house for the night.

I continued to make plans to leave (since he said he needed the house). This morning he comes home and is regretful and wanting to start more intensive treatment. I couldn't get him to go to inpatient, but he agreed to out patient at the addiction center where he has counseling. He left this afternoon and said he will stay away until we have our maritial counseling appt. on Wed.
We came to this agreement after much MUCH discussion and me almost loosing my mind! The man wants us to live together still while he recovers.... I just don't know if I can do it! He said he needs his family for stability and that having stability is a big part of his recovery..... I kept trying to explain that we should not be together right now.....<pulling hair out>

I was glad that he came around and will stay at his folks until our appt. where hopefully we can work something out.

I hate that it puts me in Limbo! will he find somewhere to stay so that the kids and I can stay here...or do I need to keep looking for a place...ahhhh

What I did realize through our discussion today is that i can NO LONGER procrastinate about getting a SPONSOR! I must do this at my next meeting. I was going to ask someone at my last meeting, but then I wasn't sure who to ask. One week I think I know and the next week it changes...ahhh....I don't care any more...lol if they have a pulse and they are at the meeting they will be asked to be my sponsor....lol

Can We Choose?

We must never be blinded by the futile philosophy that we are just the hapless victims of our inheritance, of our life experience, and of our surroundings - that these are the sole forces that make our decisions for us. This is not the road to freedom. We have to believe that we can really choose.

<<<>>>

"As active alcoholics, we lost our ability to choose whether we would drink. We were the victims of a compulsion which seemed to decree that we must go on with our own destruction.
"Yet we finally did make choices that brought about our recovery. We came to believe that alone we were powerless over alcohol. This was surely a choice, and a most difficult one. We came to believe that a Higher Power could restore us to sanity when we became willing to practice A.A.'s Twelve Steps.
"In short, we chose to "become willing," and no better choice did we ever make."

1. GRAPEVINE, NOVEMBER 1960 - 2. LETTER, 1966

Hi, I'm curious about myself as usual... I'm 196 days sober, I don't know if I'm going through PAWS or what...

I'm always worried/fearful of things, small or large, OCD constantly of things such as dog hair... but lately I've been losing track of time quickly, for example even though I think it's been longer than a month I don't know how long it's been since I've been drinking 2 cups of coffee a day which could be ... maybe giving me a bad letdown every day after it you think?... After I drink it I feel a little active but then I don't... I've done it to stay awake at times but I also have horrible sleeping patterns anyway, ... and I feel less interest for the things I do.

I've gone up and down up and down from 50mg to 100mg of Zoloft about 3 times now, I know it sounds irresponsible but I'm just trying to find the right dosage... there was a time I was happier about the things I did without drinking coffee... now it takes me a Xanax to feel better but it's only for so long... it's like I can never win... my memory is so bad as it is... and I'm so impatient lately... I... the.... ugh!!!... >_<'... it feels terrible...

I have not been a consistent participator in the forums on this board but when I am here I want to check up on the ones who's story had some relativity to my own. For the most part I have been able to see everyone up here except one person......
LadyTenn422
Not sure which one it goes by. Anyways LT if you are out there please please please checkin and let us know you are ok. I know you weren't doing to well earlier this month but I haven't heard anything back since then and I am really worried for you and your family.
:Xmasvstar:HOXmasps:Xmasla

HI I'M NEW TO THIS , SO BARE WITH ME. I'AM A ALCOHOLIC. BEEN SOBER FOR 5 HUNDRED, AND 98 DAYS. I HAVE DUI'S, WHEN TO COURT WAS GIVEN SLAP, MADE TO GO TO SELF HELP PROGRAM, WHICH I DID. EVERY THING WAS SENT TO ME IN THE MAIL ABOUT EACH PROGRAM. BUT AA SLIP AND WHEN TO . I DID GO TO MEETING 3 TIMES DID NOT AVE PAPER WORK, STOPPED GOING. NOW I GET COURT ORDER FOR COURT, BECAUSE I DIDN'T GO. GOT THE SLIPS WHET TO BACK TO MEETS RIGHT AWAY. ANYONE HAVE AN IDEA OF WHATS GOING TO HAPPEN TO ME AT COURT TODAY. SORRY THIS WAS SO LONG.... BUT ANY THING WILL HELP ME CALM DOWN, AND NOT THING ABOUT THE BAR DOWN THE ROAD.<br>

And I wish LT would check in, cause I'm starting to get really worried about her ...

And I wonder what's going on with Whiskerkissed ...

And I still wish Misti (mikiglen) would pop in and let us know she's alive.

And I wish Sandi and XJ would hang out from time to time, instead of popping in for a couple posts every month or two :)

And I wonder why I've seen that KJ is around from her 'thanks', but it seems like she hasn't been really been posting/talking to us lately. You okay, KJ?

Sorry if anyone who hasn't been around feels left out, but those are the folks that are jumping to mind ...

Two Friends Were Walking
Through The Desert.
During Some Point Of The
Journey, They Had An
Argument And One Friend
Slapped The Other One
In The Face.


The One Who Got Slapped
Was Hurt, But Without
Saying Anything,
Wrote In The Sand,

'today My Best Friend
Slapped Me In The Face'

They Kept On Walking
Until They Found An Oasis,
Where They Decided
To Take A Bath .

The One Who Had Been
Slapped Got Stuck In The
Mire And Started Drowning,
But The Friend Saved Him.
< /span>
After He Recovered From
The Near Drowning,
He Wrote On A Stone,

'today My Best Friend
Saved My Life'

The Friend Who Had Slapped
And Saved His Best Friend
Asked Him, 'after I Hurt You,
You Wrote In The Sand And Now,
You Write On A Stone, Why?'

The Friend Replied,
'when Someone Hurts Us
We Should Write It Down
In Sand, Where Winds Of
Forgiveness Can Erase It Away.


But, When Someone Does
Something Good For Us,
We Must Engrave It In Stone
Where No Wind
Can Ever Erase It'.

Learn To Write
Your Hurts In
The Sand And To
Carve Your
Benefits In Stone.

They Say It Takes A
< /span> Minute To Find A Special Person,
An Hour To Appreciate Them,
A Day To Love Them,
But Then
An Entire Life
To Forget Them.

Se Nd Thi S To
The People You' Ll Never
Forget.
I Just Did.

If You Don't
Send It To Anyone,
It Means You're In A
Hurry And That You've
Forgotten Your Friends.
Take The Time To Live!

Do Not Value The Things
You Have In Your Life, But Value
Who You Have In Your Life !
And If I Happen To Get It Back,
Then I Know My Place In Your Life

Just thought I'd throw an update into my situation. Not surprisingly, things have turned around very quickly with my AGF. I have to admit - and the reason I'm posting - is because it IS getting easier each time to detach & let go. So any new folks, keep that in mind. Don't beat yourself up too much for having hope & trying to stick it out time after time. Between all of the reading & posting here, as well as seeing her actions (and holding those more accountable than her words) - little by little, I am becoming stronger, getting my sense of "self" back - and not putting up with it all anymore.

Basically, my AGF & I were split up for the last month or so. A little over a week ago - she decided she wanted to try again. This was after she ran back to her abusive ex. Bad enough, right? Well - I gave it a shot. Unfortunately, my trust in her was zero at this point because she had been fooling around with that ex and some other guy. I hated being suspiscious & not trusting her. But, she broke that trust - and hadn't done anything to rebuild it yet.

So, the other night, she blew off dinner plans we had with another couple (surprise) - and instead - invited "a bunch of people" over to the house after she got off of work (she's a bartender). Shortly after she got there - and everyone started getting their little baggies of coke from the guy that was holding, she realized she forgot her phone at the bar. So - like a good boyfriend, I went and picked it up for her. And...my gut & suspiscions got the best of me. I reviewed the text's in the phone. Saw plenty of "dirty" messages between her & 2 other guys. I was livid. And hurt. But, <sigh> not surprised.

I came back home - gave her the phone, said I had a headache & excused myself from the "partying" and laid down upstairs until everyone left. That "timing" post was helpful in me keeping my cool & thinking things out instead of getting all riled up right then. Come to find out - she got angry with me for not being socialble & not being downstairs with everyone else. Excuse me for not wanting to hang out with a bunch of people I barely know while they want to do blow & get high. Forget having any concern for my not feeling well, right?

Anyway, I maintained the "headache" excuse until yesterday afternoon - when I sent her a text that said "Had more than a headache going on last night. Didn't want to ruin your night or talk while you were high. Would like to talk soon. Not thru phone or txt". I wanted to get everything out on the table - clear the air - and confront her dishonesty/cheating.

So...later that day, I get a txt - says something to the effect of "So what was the problem last night?"; I reiterated, I wanted to talk - and not through phone or texting. Let me know when. Everything else went along as "normal" between us - like there were no problems, the rest of the day. She worked her shift - I played darts and called when done asking if she wanted me to come over. "No - I'm gonna crash". Riiiiight. Did a drive by & saw her one guy friends car there (fellow addict) - kept my cool and went home. Apparently talking about something that was bothering me is low on her list of priorities. Again - no surprise there.

Sent another text saying "You never had to ever lie to me. And you never have to do it again". I don't need it. I decided I was cutting it off. This morning brought new text conversations - where I again reiterated I wanted to talk; I told her I know she has been lieing through her teeth to me - but wouldn't tell her what the lies I knew about were. Said I needed 100% honesty - and for her to come clean. Of course, we all know that won't happen. I held my ground. She is accusing me of playing games and backing her in a corner. Whatever. She put herself in that corner & she is the only one that can get herself out. Went on to say she's not ready to bare her soul to me...I don't own her - so things she may not have told me probably aren't my business...blah blah blah.

I said "Look - you & I know you've been lieing to & deceiving me. Our trust is shot. If you want to rebuild it - then let's talk & get it all out in the open. We have the potential to grow stronger if we can get through this". I know - I'm kidding myself because dishonesty is only 1 part of the addictive lifestyle. So that probably wouldn't be much help to the relationship anyway.

I bet she's just dying to know what lies I've caught her in. Lord knows how many more there are that I don't even know about. Then again - maybe she really just doesn't care one way or another. After all - addicts lie, right? Addicts care only about getting high & when they're going to get high next. I always thought that statement was a bit of a stretch - but not anymore. It really seems to be a constant thing.

I'm cool with things for the most part. I'm a little sad & disappointed - but not like I have been before. I feel good for holding my ground & letting things go. Something tells me she won't try to make good on things this time around either. I actually hope she doesn't. I dont' want to get sucked in during a moment of weakness, again.

Whiskerkissed, I just wanted you to know, your absence has not gone unnoticed! What up, girl?

And LT, babe, please try to check in everyday, at least for a little while here, okay? I hope you know we're all worried about you right now!