Drug Rehab Options Blog

I am on day 7 and now the emotions are going wild. I've cried more than I've cried in a year. I am listening to the jeff buckley song "lover you should've come over" over and over and the lyrics:

my body turns and yearns for a sleep that won't ever come

it's never over, my kingdom for a kiss upon her shoulder
it's never over, all my riches for her smile when i slept so soft against her
it's never over, all my blood for the sweetness of her laughter
it's never over, she's the tear that hangs inside my soul forever

well maybe i'm just too young
to keep good love from going wrong

oh lover you should've come over

well i feel too young to hold on
and i'm much too old to break free and run
too deaf, dumb, and blind to see the damage i've done
sweet lover, you should've come over


That honestly is how I feel about an inanimate object...I miss it so much despite the hell I'm going through right now, just like any break up with someone you were in love with. I've only been in love once but heroin's a close second... so sad so sad. I miss it so much I can't live with it and I don't know if I can live without it. I know I'm not thinking straight right now because my brain chemistry is so effed up, but I just don't know if I can do this. Life is so beautiful I just don't see it anymore. I feel like heroin has stolen my passion for everything I used to love, like music, singing, guitar, nature, PEOPLE. I don't know real love anymore.

I had blocked abf's e-mail yesterday to avoid contact, even if I am beginning to miss him after I think he stole from me and I decided to finally break things off....he typed below:

good morning, youve done nothing to cause hate in me, i still love you, even if we arent together, i stole nothing from you, never ever, not you, nor my family, like i said, i still love you and your kids, i dont want to end up with no one on this earth hating me, i did nothing to cause hate in your eyes, maybe we didnt go out as much as u would have liked, sorry for that, but its me, well, you dont have to write me back, im kind of tired of reading your hate emails, so, let peace be between us, even if we arent together no more

Me: What does this mean? Is he trying to get confirmation that we are done so he can carry on with whatever or whoever he is seeing? He referred to my last and final e-mail "The Power of Goodbye" (lyrics from Madonna) as a hate email? At any rate, I confirmed again we are done...and his e-mail only made me confused and more hurt...thanks for any input.:c020:

Fumbling Towards Ecstasy:

"Peace
In the struggle
To find peace.

Comfort
On the way
To comfort"

I'm sure many of you have heard of the band 3 Doors Down--they are an alt rock band. Anyway, on their new CD there is this song "Let me be myself" It is probably a song about a relationship, but as soon as I listened to the lyrics I realized this could totally be a song about addiction and my doc. I know for myself I used so that I would feel good, feel better about myself. At this point I don't know who I am because I've been drugged for so long. Read the lyrics below and just imagine the subject as your drug of choice--I know you'll see what I mean when you read it. If you like the words I suggest you look it up on Itunes or another site. It's a slow beautiful song as well. Enjoy

I guess I just got lost being someone else. I tried to kill the pain, but nothing ever helped. I left myself behind, somewhere along the way, hoping to come back around to find myself someday.

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. Tell me please would you one time let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself.

Would you let me be myself?

'Cause I'll never find my heart behind someone else. I'll never see the light of day living in this cell. It's time to make my way into the world I knew. And then take back all of these times that I gave in to you.

Lately I'm so tired of waiting for you to say that it's okay. Tell me please, would you let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself.

For awhile if you don't mind, let me be myself so I can shine with my own light. Let me be myself. That's all I ever want from this world is to let me be me.

It will all get better in time.......

Have a listen, its been so inspiring to me, and a great reminder too.

YouTube - Leona Lewis - Better In Time

Better in Tme - Leona Lewis

Lyrics:

It's been the longest winter without you
I didn't know where to turn to
See somehow I can't forget you
After all that we've been through

Going coming thought I heard a knock
Who's there no one
Thinking that I deserve it
Now I realize that I really didn't know
If you didn't notice you mean everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

I couldn't turn on the TV
Without something there to remind me
Was it all that easy
To just put aside your feelings

If I'm dreaming don't wanna laugh
Hurt my feelings but that's the path
I believe in
And I know that time will heal it
If you didn't notice boy you meant everything
Quickly I'm learning to love again
All I know is I'ma be ok

[Chorus:]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Since there's no more you and me
It's time I let you go
So I can be free
And live my life how it should be
No matter how hard it is I'll be fine without you
Yes I will

[Chorus: x2]
Thought I couldn't live without you
It's gonna hurt when it heals too
It'll all get better in time
And even though I really love you
I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to
It'll all get better in time

Apparently this song is at least a year old, but I heard it for the first time this weekend (and the DJ made it sound like it was a new song). It's by LeAnn Rimes and it's called "What I Can Not Change" and I swear to you I cried when I listened to the lyrics.

I'm posting both the lyrics and a link to video in case you want to hear her sing it (she has a great voice). I f*ed up this weekend, and I'm too ashamed to post here right now, but I HAD to post this. I felt way too strongly about it.

Comments welcome.
Love you all.
-TSH


I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won't make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

Yeah I don't know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can't get past the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it's not good for my health
But it's easier to please the world
Then it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

Well I know I can't care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forget what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whatever I can

YouTube - LeAnn Rimes "What I Cannot Change"