Archive for the ‘Making Decisions’ tag
things are going o.k. here
I just wanted to post an update as to how things are going. The great news is that I got a job! I'm delighted about that. My ABF has been working on his recovery tools. He is still talking to his counselor. He has finished his "plan" for recovery and is using a checklist to keep himself on track. He had a very emotional morning yesterday--he was crying quite a bit. He admitted that those emotional mornings are one of the things that led him to a relapse. His counselor wants him to share with me and others, and not keep this stuff bottled up inside. He is missing his parents (his mother died 2 years ago) and his friends (we moved here about 8 months ago). He has been reading his materials including NA materials that he printed out.
I have been working on telling him what I need and making decisions based on what I need--not on what I think he needs. I don't know if he will do what he needs to do or not. I'm glad he's started back into recovery, but I am going to do what I need to do. That means that I am going to take this new job and not worry about how my working will effect him. I'm not going to rush home to check on him or to "protect" him from relapsing. I'm going to work on making friends and spending time with people--even if he doesn't want to join in. This is all a real struggle for me because my naturally tendency is to feel responsible for his actions and to think that he can't do it without me. My mom always made sure that I knew that her happiness depended on me. She has gone so far as to tell me that directly. It wasn't just implied.
I'm trying to read, journal, and work on taking care of myself. I'm making the phone calls that I need to make and paying bills on time. This is a struggle for me, but I know how important this is. This is my life, and I don't want to live the 2nd half of it how I have lived the first half. I'm glad I have this site to help me keep on track.
I have been working on telling him what I need and making decisions based on what I need--not on what I think he needs. I don't know if he will do what he needs to do or not. I'm glad he's started back into recovery, but I am going to do what I need to do. That means that I am going to take this new job and not worry about how my working will effect him. I'm not going to rush home to check on him or to "protect" him from relapsing. I'm going to work on making friends and spending time with people--even if he doesn't want to join in. This is all a real struggle for me because my naturally tendency is to feel responsible for his actions and to think that he can't do it without me. My mom always made sure that I knew that her happiness depended on me. She has gone so far as to tell me that directly. It wasn't just implied.
I'm trying to read, journal, and work on taking care of myself. I'm making the phone calls that I need to make and paying bills on time. This is a struggle for me, but I know how important this is. This is my life, and I don't want to live the 2nd half of it how I have lived the first half. I'm glad I have this site to help me keep on track.
I feel like i am being left behind in his recovery…
soo, my boyfriend has about 7 weeks sobriety and I am very proud of him. however, in his recovery he is learning about himself and to live each day sober. I KNOW this is his journey and all I can do is support him, but I wanna cry for a minute.. WHAT ABOUT ME!!! he tells me that recovery is the most important thing in his life.. he goes to 2 (sometimes more) AA meetings a day, is already wanting to sponsor others?? He needs space he says, he has nothing to offer me at this point... Shouldnt I be the one to decide what I am willing to tolerate. He promises a wonderful life, marriage, babies but only once he figures himself out. I realize all this has to happen for him, but what do I do.. wait? For how long? I love him, I want to support him in his recovery, but I am afraid he is trying to protect me by making decisions regarding our relationship by himself, I am a big girl and have been through much, much worse than this, I just dont know what to do. Sometimes I cry, other times I say "Whatever" .... I want this to work! There is a wonderful man burried under that addiction and I want to be with him!
Disappointed again
I was invited to a day-long Thanksgiving get-together by a friend for the third time now and had a lovely time with fun people. ABF didn't want to be there the entire day, but said he would like to come for dinner. I was happy that we would spend Thanksgiving dinner together, especially since the host is the reason we met two years ago.
I went to pick him up and he was stoned. I let that go. He went to get changed and ready and before we left, he was looking for a lighter to smoke some more pot. He KNOWS I hate it and it was getting later and later. He became angry because he couldn't find a lighter that worked. When he did, I asked him why he is doing this if he knows how I feel about it. He slammed down the pipe and asked me to leave and I did.
I drove back to my friend's place, collected myself, and promised myself to NOT let this ruin my day. When I got back I told them some story (not everyone there needed to know the truth) and had the best Thanksgiving dinner ever - so delicious (and I have left-overs in the fridge, yay!).
I am glad that I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening and these great people's company. I am mad at myself for not leaving my ABF although I can see how is getting worse. This utter disregard for me is shocking. He is not abusive, but most definitely chooses his DOCs over me and I deserve better and he knows I do.
I know I should just end it, but I can't right now. It's just not an option. I am drowning in work and I am visiting my family in two weeks and don't want drama. I just want to withdraw a bit and regroup. I know it will continue if I let it and I feel weak for not putting an end to this right now, but sometimes I am so sick of making decisions and right now I just want to do what I have to do professionally and not deal with it. Kinda of like being in denial until January and not think about what will be. I just want this year to end on a high note because I get my work done.
I am so sick of being disappointed and crying and having to lie. I know what I SHOULD do, but right this moment, all I want to do is whine...:worried:
Still: Happy Thanksgiving! :thank1
I went to pick him up and he was stoned. I let that go. He went to get changed and ready and before we left, he was looking for a lighter to smoke some more pot. He KNOWS I hate it and it was getting later and later. He became angry because he couldn't find a lighter that worked. When he did, I asked him why he is doing this if he knows how I feel about it. He slammed down the pipe and asked me to leave and I did.
I drove back to my friend's place, collected myself, and promised myself to NOT let this ruin my day. When I got back I told them some story (not everyone there needed to know the truth) and had the best Thanksgiving dinner ever - so delicious (and I have left-overs in the fridge, yay!).
I am glad that I was able to enjoy the rest of the evening and these great people's company. I am mad at myself for not leaving my ABF although I can see how is getting worse. This utter disregard for me is shocking. He is not abusive, but most definitely chooses his DOCs over me and I deserve better and he knows I do.
I know I should just end it, but I can't right now. It's just not an option. I am drowning in work and I am visiting my family in two weeks and don't want drama. I just want to withdraw a bit and regroup. I know it will continue if I let it and I feel weak for not putting an end to this right now, but sometimes I am so sick of making decisions and right now I just want to do what I have to do professionally and not deal with it. Kinda of like being in denial until January and not think about what will be. I just want this year to end on a high note because I get my work done.
I am so sick of being disappointed and crying and having to lie. I know what I SHOULD do, but right this moment, all I want to do is whine...:worried:
Still: Happy Thanksgiving! :thank1
Personality Profile Results
Just did a personality profile on EHarmony.
They are running a free week, so, I figured, Why not? :e058:
Anyway, here's the results.
Thought it was pretty cool!
Seems to be pretty spot on, I think... :wink3:
Shalom!
They are running a free week, so, I figured, Why not? :e058:
Anyway, here's the results.
Thought it was pretty cool!
Quote:
|
Introduction to Agreeableness This section of your profile describes your interactions with other people. The ways we communicate our feelings, beliefs and ideas to others are influenced by our cultural backgrounds, the way we were raised, and sometimes which side of the bed we got up on this morning. Some of us are very mindful of others making decisions we hope will be in their best interests, even if it means sometimes neglecting our own interests. Others of us believe each person should be responsible for themselves, taking deep pride in our own character and independence with a firm belief that others are best served by doing the same. The following describes how you engage with others; illustrating the dimension of your personality that determines your independence or your desire to reach out and touch others in meaningful ways. You are best described as: TAKING CARE OF OTHERS AND TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF Words that describe you: Fair Considered Collaborative Responsive Sensible Diplomatic Contemplative Indulgent Rational A General Description of How You Interact with Others You are important. So are other people, especially if they are in trouble. You have a tender heart, but you know how to establish and keep personal boundaries. You are empathetic and compassionate, but you also believe that it's best if people solve their own problems and learn to take care of themselves, if they are able. You are deeply moved by the needs of others, but you know that if you don't take good care of yourself, you'll wind up being of no use to anyone. So yours is a thoughtful compassion. You strive to be fair and sensible, taking care of others while also taking care of yourself. When someone really is in trouble, you like to collaborate with them toward a solution; they do their part, you do yours. You consider carefully, and respond in a sensible way; they do their part, and together you move through the difficulty. You seldom act impulsively; rather, when a problem arises, you take your time to think through the situation. This contemplative quality usually means that you'll arrive at a diplomatic solution, one that's fair for the other person and also fair to you. It's frequently a win/win situation. Negative Reactions Others May Have Toward You For people who are ruled by tender-hearted compassion, your more diplomatic response to problems might seem too cool, too focused on fairness and not filled enough with sympathy and selflessness. For them, when someone's life is on fire, what is needed is not collaboration but rescue. And the person who experiences their life on fire may resent the time you take to contemplate. "I need you, and I need you NOW! This isn't about fairness, it's about the fire." "All deliberate speed" may seem too deliberate and not fast enough, either to the more compassionate or to people in genuine trouble. At the other end of the spectrum of compassion, those who believe people should take care of themselves may find even your thoughtful sympathies too soft. They expect people, themselves included, to work their own way out of trouble. They are convinced that the helping hand you lend just fosters dependence and is not good for the development of character, either in you or in the person you assist. Positive Responses Others May Have Toward You Many people, perhaps the majority, will come to appreciate your balance as a compassionate person. The more they get to know you, the more they will admire your thoughtful compassion for others and its compliment in the sensible ways you take good care of yourself. Those whom you help will appreciate the way you leave them with their dignity by expecting them to collaborate in their own rescue. Those who are more tender-hearted will find in you a balance they lack; when they've run out of energy because they fail to take good care of themselves, you will still have enough compassion left to lift others out of trouble. Even the tough-hearted, those who believe people should solve their own problems, might come to admire your tenderness which they don't find in themselves. So the people you help will be grateful, and the people who see your balance between self and others will admire you. Certainly, balanced is not bad at all as a way to be known among your friends. |
Shalom!
Just recently discovered boyfriend’s sex addiction.
Hi - I have been looking so hard for a place for me here or anywhere else on the web, and finding few places to talk. I didn't yet find an "S-ANON" portion of this site, and there may not be one, but I need to post somewhere so people can read it and so I can feel like what's happening to me is real.
I had been with my boyfriend (J) for 6 years - lived with him for 2 (I am almost 26) We loved, and laughed and had a great time - not perfect, we had our kinks, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am a healthy woman, with healthy relationships - never abused, never neglected. I set boundaries and expectations in my life, I thought I was going to marry him, I felt LOVED. I trusted him entirely, there was no reason not to.
NO SIGNS, not even in retrospect, NOTHING. One day, BAM, I get an email from a girl who tells me things. I ask questions, he SLOWLY starts admitting to a sex addiction. Cyber sex, webcams, meetings with women for oral sex, dating, everything (he never admitted to penetration, or prostitutes or any 'deeply' sex addicted behaviours). That was the first and only sign.
I kicked him out. He is getting treatment, wants to get his life back together. But where do I go? I don't need to hear "time will heal your wounds", I just want to hear someone is listening. How do I handle this betrayal or love and trust and loyalty? How do I go about making DECISIONS about what to do next - okay, he's gone, but now what? Do I try and save this, do I move on? I just don't know...
Thanks for reading.
Liv
I had been with my boyfriend (J) for 6 years - lived with him for 2 (I am almost 26) We loved, and laughed and had a great time - not perfect, we had our kinks, but nothing out of the ordinary. I am a healthy woman, with healthy relationships - never abused, never neglected. I set boundaries and expectations in my life, I thought I was going to marry him, I felt LOVED. I trusted him entirely, there was no reason not to.
NO SIGNS, not even in retrospect, NOTHING. One day, BAM, I get an email from a girl who tells me things. I ask questions, he SLOWLY starts admitting to a sex addiction. Cyber sex, webcams, meetings with women for oral sex, dating, everything (he never admitted to penetration, or prostitutes or any 'deeply' sex addicted behaviours). That was the first and only sign.
I kicked him out. He is getting treatment, wants to get his life back together. But where do I go? I don't need to hear "time will heal your wounds", I just want to hear someone is listening. How do I handle this betrayal or love and trust and loyalty? How do I go about making DECISIONS about what to do next - okay, he's gone, but now what? Do I try and save this, do I move on? I just don't know...
Thanks for reading.
Liv
My Rights as a Person
I was reading some codpendency articles on the web and came across this and thought I'd share it.
As a Person I have the Right to:
Be myself.
Refuse requests without feeling guilty.
Be competent and be proud of my accomplishments.
Feel and express anger.
Ask for affection and help (may be turned down, but can ask.)
Be treated as a capable adult.
Be illogical in making decisions.
Make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
Change my mind.
Say, "I don't know."
Say, "I don't agree."
Say, "I don't care."
Offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior.
Have my opinions be given respect.
Have my needs be as important as the needs of others.
Tell someone what my needs are (they may not care to do anything about it.)
Evaluate my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and be responsible for their initiation and the consequences upon myself.
Take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms.
Grow, learn, change - value my age and experience.
And sometimes to make demands on others.
Original Source Unknown
As a Person I have the Right to:
Be myself.
Refuse requests without feeling guilty.
Be competent and be proud of my accomplishments.
Feel and express anger.
Ask for affection and help (may be turned down, but can ask.)
Be treated as a capable adult.
Be illogical in making decisions.
Make mistakes - and be responsible for them.
Change my mind.
Say, "I don't know."
Say, "I don't agree."
Say, "I don't care."
Offer no reasons or excuses for justifying my behavior.
Have my opinions be given respect.
Have my needs be as important as the needs of others.
Tell someone what my needs are (they may not care to do anything about it.)
Evaluate my own behavior, thoughts, and emotions and be responsible for their initiation and the consequences upon myself.
Take pride in my body and define attractiveness in my own terms.
Grow, learn, change - value my age and experience.
And sometimes to make demands on others.
Original Source Unknown
Making Decisions
Nar-Anon – Sharing Experience, Strength, & Hope
September 22
MAKING DECISIONS
When living in the chaos of addiction, I find that I have trouble making decisions from the simplest to the biggest issues that life throws at me; the issues that will affect my familyÂ’s well-being and my own. Recently, my eighteen-year-old daughter, who is an addict, found herself in a crisis situation. This caused her addiction to escalate and her attitude and actions to become unbearable. Before coming to Nar-Anon, I would have found myself being drawn into the confusion, allowing her unacceptable behavior to continue. I was afraid to make a decision, afraid to ask her to leave, afraid of the outcome and how she would react.
From Nar-Anon, I am learning that my Higher Power will take care of things. I will wait for direction. I believe my Higher Power will put where I should be. I believe can ask my Higher Power to lead me, and I believe I will be shown if I am going the wrong way. I wait for a clear answer because sometimes no decision is better than the wrong decision.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Addiction is a family disease. It takes many forms and affects not only the addict. I can make a decision on how to handle these problems with the help of my Higher Power and my Nar-Anon program.
“At the start of each day I can make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.” ~ Courage to Change.
September 22
MAKING DECISIONS
When living in the chaos of addiction, I find that I have trouble making decisions from the simplest to the biggest issues that life throws at me; the issues that will affect my familyÂ’s well-being and my own. Recently, my eighteen-year-old daughter, who is an addict, found herself in a crisis situation. This caused her addiction to escalate and her attitude and actions to become unbearable. Before coming to Nar-Anon, I would have found myself being drawn into the confusion, allowing her unacceptable behavior to continue. I was afraid to make a decision, afraid to ask her to leave, afraid of the outcome and how she would react.
From Nar-Anon, I am learning that my Higher Power will take care of things. I will wait for direction. I believe my Higher Power will put where I should be. I believe can ask my Higher Power to lead me, and I believe I will be shown if I am going the wrong way. I wait for a clear answer because sometimes no decision is better than the wrong decision.
THOUGHT FOR TODAY: Addiction is a family disease. It takes many forms and affects not only the addict. I can make a decision on how to handle these problems with the help of my Higher Power and my Nar-Anon program.
“At the start of each day I can make the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of God.” ~ Courage to Change.
