Archive for the ‘Manipulation’ tag
Explain to him?
I've come to understand/realize that the misery in my 2-year marriage was not because of his alcoholism (which he's been in recovery and not had a drink in over 5 months), but because of his abuse. He was never the type to scream or call me horrible names, nor to hit me. He was subtle, manipulative. My entire life has been run with guilt and manipulation. First by my mom, now by my stbXRAH.
I started to see something was seriously wrong back in November (about 3 months after he'd started AA). He was using everything and everyone in my life against me. I moved out, and about a week later I filed for divorce. Despite multiple times telling him that we both have issues we need to work through on our own before we could even consider reconsiling our marital issues, and telling him we need a break from each other (I've clearly said NO CONTACT until x date multiple times), he ALWAYS crosses that boundary. Always steps over the line.
He insists that we should not be getting a divorce. His excuse for crossing the line is he wants reasons, answers, goals. I've tried to explain, but everything falls out of my head when he and I talk (argue) - he's so good at making me crazy. I get off the phone feeling completely exhausted, confused, and most of the time don't remember what we even talked about. More than once he's told me I am chemically imbalanced and need mental help. But I know that's not true. My doctor sees me and knows I am not crazy.
However, I'm still in love with him. I still want him to want to change. He keeps saying, "I'm a changed man, but you haven't been around to see it" (accusing me that my moving out and filing is what's ruining our chance at a good marriage). He's always been all talk. I have no reason to start trusting his words now when his actions have never proven anything - with the exception that he stopped drinking.
He wants to meet with me tonight. He wants to talk. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll be able to hold my own. But I'm not sure I want to lose him. And I'm not sure I really want this divorce. Some days it seems so clear, then other days I just want to go home and believe it will all be ok.
I've tried to explain that his controlling measures and the way he acts like he "owns" me is abuse. And the way he talks to me is abuse. And he gets upset and says I'm crazy and that someone is filling my head full of ridiculous ideas. Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is? Is there any hope that he can see the light? How can I explain this to him???
I feel like if I just divorce him to get away, it wouldn't be "fair" because I was not clear enough with how he is abusive, since that would be my reason for divorce (and these feelings may be more imposed upon me by him and by my parents than myself, but I still feel them). He says he wants marriage counseling. He says he wants to know why I filed for divorce. And why I want time apart. And how it's supposed to help. But deep down I feel like he's just asking those questions so he can build up excuses to undermine those things and break me down further and make me come back without him really changing anything.
I started to see something was seriously wrong back in November (about 3 months after he'd started AA). He was using everything and everyone in my life against me. I moved out, and about a week later I filed for divorce. Despite multiple times telling him that we both have issues we need to work through on our own before we could even consider reconsiling our marital issues, and telling him we need a break from each other (I've clearly said NO CONTACT until x date multiple times), he ALWAYS crosses that boundary. Always steps over the line.
He insists that we should not be getting a divorce. His excuse for crossing the line is he wants reasons, answers, goals. I've tried to explain, but everything falls out of my head when he and I talk (argue) - he's so good at making me crazy. I get off the phone feeling completely exhausted, confused, and most of the time don't remember what we even talked about. More than once he's told me I am chemically imbalanced and need mental help. But I know that's not true. My doctor sees me and knows I am not crazy.
However, I'm still in love with him. I still want him to want to change. He keeps saying, "I'm a changed man, but you haven't been around to see it" (accusing me that my moving out and filing is what's ruining our chance at a good marriage). He's always been all talk. I have no reason to start trusting his words now when his actions have never proven anything - with the exception that he stopped drinking.
He wants to meet with me tonight. He wants to talk. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll be able to hold my own. But I'm not sure I want to lose him. And I'm not sure I really want this divorce. Some days it seems so clear, then other days I just want to go home and believe it will all be ok.
I've tried to explain that his controlling measures and the way he acts like he "owns" me is abuse. And the way he talks to me is abuse. And he gets upset and says I'm crazy and that someone is filling my head full of ridiculous ideas. Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is? Is there any hope that he can see the light? How can I explain this to him???
I feel like if I just divorce him to get away, it wouldn't be "fair" because I was not clear enough with how he is abusive, since that would be my reason for divorce (and these feelings may be more imposed upon me by him and by my parents than myself, but I still feel them). He says he wants marriage counseling. He says he wants to know why I filed for divorce. And why I want time apart. And how it's supposed to help. But deep down I feel like he's just asking those questions so he can build up excuses to undermine those things and break me down further and make me come back without him really changing anything.
Recovery and Manipulation-Holiday’s
Hi All,
The Holiday's are a difficult time for the family's of A's. We have the tendency to use the Holiday to give gifts to make the families feel better about the suffering they endure living with an A and the A's tend to use the Holiday to give to make up for the pain they cause. This is confusing and manipulative for children who can't understand the difference.
My AW is in a recovery house since Thanksgiving week. I had to call the paramedics for a well check because she had been drinking mouthwash and would not get out of bed. They took her to the ER and then she found a recovery center. It's been five years of hell and she can still manipulate our 18 and 15 year old! Last Friday she took our 15 year old snowboarding with the her recovery group on a group sponsored trip. Of course the son comes back all excited and impressed with the younger members because they are so cool! I will be filing for divorce and custody this week. Enough insanity!
Most of all I feel she, and I by staying with her for the last five years, has completely screwed my boys ability to understand what a good relationship is, how and why to use alcohol and how to deal with addiction and relationships in which addiction is present. My 18 year old told me that even though there is no alcohol in the house and that I am pretty much a non-drinker that his Mom's behavior has affected his belief that using drugs and alcohol to have fun is something that all people do! He is against alcohol but feels it's okay to smoke marijuana because it won't be addicting! I am afraid for my kids and angry at my wife.
So, to sum up.....if not for you, the spouse or significant other of an A, then for your children....get away from an A and show, teach and model healthy relationships for your children!
Merry X-Mas to all!
The Holiday's are a difficult time for the family's of A's. We have the tendency to use the Holiday to give gifts to make the families feel better about the suffering they endure living with an A and the A's tend to use the Holiday to give to make up for the pain they cause. This is confusing and manipulative for children who can't understand the difference.
My AW is in a recovery house since Thanksgiving week. I had to call the paramedics for a well check because she had been drinking mouthwash and would not get out of bed. They took her to the ER and then she found a recovery center. It's been five years of hell and she can still manipulate our 18 and 15 year old! Last Friday she took our 15 year old snowboarding with the her recovery group on a group sponsored trip. Of course the son comes back all excited and impressed with the younger members because they are so cool! I will be filing for divorce and custody this week. Enough insanity!
Most of all I feel she, and I by staying with her for the last five years, has completely screwed my boys ability to understand what a good relationship is, how and why to use alcohol and how to deal with addiction and relationships in which addiction is present. My 18 year old told me that even though there is no alcohol in the house and that I am pretty much a non-drinker that his Mom's behavior has affected his belief that using drugs and alcohol to have fun is something that all people do! He is against alcohol but feels it's okay to smoke marijuana because it won't be addicting! I am afraid for my kids and angry at my wife.
So, to sum up.....if not for you, the spouse or significant other of an A, then for your children....get away from an A and show, teach and model healthy relationships for your children!
Merry X-Mas to all!
JFT December 17
December 17
Service motives
?Everything that occurs in the course of NA service must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.?
Basic Text, p. xxvi
????=????
Our motives are often a surprise to us. In our early days of recovery, they were almost always a surprise! We?ve learned to check our motives through prayer, meditation, the steps, and talking to our sponsor or other addicts. When we find ourselves with an especially strong urge to do or have something, it?s particularly important to check our motives to find out what we really want.
In early recovery, many of us throw ourselves into service with great fervor before we have started the regular practice of motive-checking. It takes awhile before we become aware of the real reasons for our zeal. We may want to impress others, show off our talents, or be recognized and important. Now, these desires may not be harmful in another setting, expressed through another outlet. In NA service, however, they can do serious damage.
When we decide to serve NA, we make a decision to help addicts find and maintain recovery. We have to carefully check our motives in service, remembering that it?s much easier to frighten away using addicts than to convince them to stay. When we show them game-playing, manipulation, or pomposity, we present an unattractive picture of recovery. However, the unselfish desire to serve others creates an atmosphere that is attractive to the addict who still suffers.
????=????
Just for today: I will check my motives for the true spirit of service.
Service motives
?Everything that occurs in the course of NA service must be motivated by the desire to more successfully carry the message of recovery to the addict who still suffers.?
Basic Text, p. xxvi
????=????
Our motives are often a surprise to us. In our early days of recovery, they were almost always a surprise! We?ve learned to check our motives through prayer, meditation, the steps, and talking to our sponsor or other addicts. When we find ourselves with an especially strong urge to do or have something, it?s particularly important to check our motives to find out what we really want.
In early recovery, many of us throw ourselves into service with great fervor before we have started the regular practice of motive-checking. It takes awhile before we become aware of the real reasons for our zeal. We may want to impress others, show off our talents, or be recognized and important. Now, these desires may not be harmful in another setting, expressed through another outlet. In NA service, however, they can do serious damage.
When we decide to serve NA, we make a decision to help addicts find and maintain recovery. We have to carefully check our motives in service, remembering that it?s much easier to frighten away using addicts than to convince them to stay. When we show them game-playing, manipulation, or pomposity, we present an unattractive picture of recovery. However, the unselfish desire to serve others creates an atmosphere that is attractive to the addict who still suffers.
????=????
Just for today: I will check my motives for the true spirit of service.
Scared…
I'm over it. Our marriage is over. It's been physically and emotionally over for months, but now I have no hope. I need to tell AH that I'm done, but last weekend I snooped on his computer and he had been looking at suicide hotline numbers and stuff on depression. In the past he has said he wants to die, which I wrote off as a manipulation tactic.
I know I can't save him from suicide any more than I can save him from alcoholism, but I'm afraid if I do say I want a divorce, he'll do something. If he did, I would feel TERRIBLE and I hate to think that DD would grow up and find out her dad killed himself. I would wait it out and just let him come to the conclusion that we need to divorce, but I don't ever think he will. I'm so torn.
I know I can't save him from suicide any more than I can save him from alcoholism, but I'm afraid if I do say I want a divorce, he'll do something. If he did, I would feel TERRIBLE and I hate to think that DD would grow up and find out her dad killed himself. I would wait it out and just let him come to the conclusion that we need to divorce, but I don't ever think he will. I'm so torn.
The manipulation starts
So as many of you know my son ran away from rehab - after three desperate days I finally found him and he was arrested.
Saturday he got two messages to me that he wanted me to visit. it was hard but i didnt go for visitation.
Sunday night he called and acted as if nothing had happened. Starts talking about how when he is committed to the state he'll get out and be home and is hoping it will be by Christmas. He is in total denial as to the seriousness of his charges at this point. All I said is they are not letting you out and you need to get that out of your head. He still denied it. He also tells me about how his diabetes is out of control right now and that he's feeling really bad (manipulation to suck me in through his health issues)
I told him that we both knew that if he got out of jail that within two weeks he'd be arrested again, so it didnt really matter. He says he's used to jail now and doesnt really care if he gets sent away - in fact would prefer going to jail to rehab because he wouldnt have to do anything but the time.
I told him that after what he did to me last weekend that I needed some time away from him and didnt want to talk or see him. I told him that I could not live like this anymore and that he couldnt come home and live with me anytime soon. He couldnt understand why. He went off about how i was abandoning him and he would have no where to live. That he did nothing to me and that it wasnt that big of a deal. He says that I am selfish and only think about myself and that he spends his life thinking about everyone else. Yes I know its total bs but its like he has this control over my heart that makes me doubt myself.
Saturday he got two messages to me that he wanted me to visit. it was hard but i didnt go for visitation.
Sunday night he called and acted as if nothing had happened. Starts talking about how when he is committed to the state he'll get out and be home and is hoping it will be by Christmas. He is in total denial as to the seriousness of his charges at this point. All I said is they are not letting you out and you need to get that out of your head. He still denied it. He also tells me about how his diabetes is out of control right now and that he's feeling really bad (manipulation to suck me in through his health issues)
I told him that we both knew that if he got out of jail that within two weeks he'd be arrested again, so it didnt really matter. He says he's used to jail now and doesnt really care if he gets sent away - in fact would prefer going to jail to rehab because he wouldnt have to do anything but the time.
I told him that after what he did to me last weekend that I needed some time away from him and didnt want to talk or see him. I told him that I could not live like this anymore and that he couldnt come home and live with me anytime soon. He couldnt understand why. He went off about how i was abandoning him and he would have no where to live. That he did nothing to me and that it wasnt that big of a deal. He says that I am selfish and only think about myself and that he spends his life thinking about everyone else. Yes I know its total bs but its like he has this control over my heart that makes me doubt myself.
Just creating my own drama here…
Well... where to begin here...
If anyone could tell me how I can control a couple friends of mine, that would be awesome (that's a joke by the way).
Names have been changed for anonymity.
I have a couple good friends that I met in rehab that are part of a larger circle of friends. Call them Jim and June. Not a couple exactly, but they have been having an affair off and on (another issue entirely that's making things really complicated).
June gets out of treatment and, long story short, doesn't follow directions. Serial relapses, been in treatment no less than 5 times in the last 12 months. Just cannot keep it together. Much of the time she has been living with Jim, who is and has been sober and working a program of recovery. She's originally from out of state and has been going back and forth - trying it at home - doesn't work - comes back here - doesn't work, etc.
She got out of treatment (again) a little over a week ago and was drunk again in 5-6 days. Jim originally said that under no circumstances could she live with him again. And then changed his mind, probably due to some manipulation on June's part - or whatever. I don't know what's going on inside that guy's head.
Recently Jim gets home and finds June passed out drunk (again), calls the police (good for him!) and has her removed - taken to detox supposedly. And for whatever reason she's released later that evening. Not sure how that happened exactly. She goes back to Jim's place. And he lets her stay again (WHAT????).
Meantime, several days have passed and the rest of the circle of friends discusses what we can do (probably our first mistake). There's talk of a sort of intervention with June. There's talk of a sort of intervention with Jim - a kind of intervening on the enabler so to speak. Different things like that. The consensus is that Jim, in addition to the rest of us, are helping keep June sick. And there's talk of distancing ourselves from this mess. June could be drunk at any given moment and we don't want to associate, or so I thought anyway.
So then, last night, June announces a little gathering at Jim's place. I certainly don't want to attend. But when I check in with my other friends about going to a meeting or something else... oh, we're going over to Jim's place. WHAT THE $%#???? WHY?
The way I see it, by spending time with June (at the very least, not to mention Jim) on a social level, aren't we legitimizing their bad behavior?
I discussed this with my wife some last night and expressed my frustration. She's a black-belt in al-anon by the way. And she explained about controlling others (how it can't be done). Jim's not at fault for June's drinking, etc. Things of which I already know, but need to be reminded from time to time.
I think what's most frustrating is how I figured the rest of the circle of friends were saying that they would be separating themselves from the situation until we see a change in behavior, I actually thought they would follow through with it. Now I sort of feel like the bad guy as I seem to be the lone voice in saying enough is enough.
So anyway, I explained to the circle that I had no interest in going over to Jim's place and I explained why. And left it at that. But IT'S STILL BUGGING ME!
Thoughts, experience?
If anyone could tell me how I can control a couple friends of mine, that would be awesome (that's a joke by the way).
Names have been changed for anonymity.
I have a couple good friends that I met in rehab that are part of a larger circle of friends. Call them Jim and June. Not a couple exactly, but they have been having an affair off and on (another issue entirely that's making things really complicated).
June gets out of treatment and, long story short, doesn't follow directions. Serial relapses, been in treatment no less than 5 times in the last 12 months. Just cannot keep it together. Much of the time she has been living with Jim, who is and has been sober and working a program of recovery. She's originally from out of state and has been going back and forth - trying it at home - doesn't work - comes back here - doesn't work, etc.
She got out of treatment (again) a little over a week ago and was drunk again in 5-6 days. Jim originally said that under no circumstances could she live with him again. And then changed his mind, probably due to some manipulation on June's part - or whatever. I don't know what's going on inside that guy's head.
Recently Jim gets home and finds June passed out drunk (again), calls the police (good for him!) and has her removed - taken to detox supposedly. And for whatever reason she's released later that evening. Not sure how that happened exactly. She goes back to Jim's place. And he lets her stay again (WHAT????).
Meantime, several days have passed and the rest of the circle of friends discusses what we can do (probably our first mistake). There's talk of a sort of intervention with June. There's talk of a sort of intervention with Jim - a kind of intervening on the enabler so to speak. Different things like that. The consensus is that Jim, in addition to the rest of us, are helping keep June sick. And there's talk of distancing ourselves from this mess. June could be drunk at any given moment and we don't want to associate, or so I thought anyway.
So then, last night, June announces a little gathering at Jim's place. I certainly don't want to attend. But when I check in with my other friends about going to a meeting or something else... oh, we're going over to Jim's place. WHAT THE $%#???? WHY?
The way I see it, by spending time with June (at the very least, not to mention Jim) on a social level, aren't we legitimizing their bad behavior?
I discussed this with my wife some last night and expressed my frustration. She's a black-belt in al-anon by the way. And she explained about controlling others (how it can't be done). Jim's not at fault for June's drinking, etc. Things of which I already know, but need to be reminded from time to time.
I think what's most frustrating is how I figured the rest of the circle of friends were saying that they would be separating themselves from the situation until we see a change in behavior, I actually thought they would follow through with it. Now I sort of feel like the bad guy as I seem to be the lone voice in saying enough is enough.
So anyway, I explained to the circle that I had no interest in going over to Jim's place and I explained why. And left it at that. But IT'S STILL BUGGING ME!
Thoughts, experience?
alcoholic behavior?
I'm new to this so I was wondering what others have experieneced to a degree with their alcoholic associate.
in regards to lieing, manipulation, coldness, social behavior.
my Alcoholic associate, whenever we go out, she would call her friends to hang out with us. even to dinner, I tell her I like my alone time with her yet it doesnt effect her and she still does what she want.
she says im socially ignorant, I don't know how the world works. I have the mentality of a 15 year old.
*something happened recently with Associate and just decided to talk on here so I don't call or txt msg her and look desperate.
It's funny because I'm the one who is looking for help yet shes the one with the addiction.
in regards to lieing, manipulation, coldness, social behavior.
my Alcoholic associate, whenever we go out, she would call her friends to hang out with us. even to dinner, I tell her I like my alone time with her yet it doesnt effect her and she still does what she want.
she says im socially ignorant, I don't know how the world works. I have the mentality of a 15 year old.
*something happened recently with Associate and just decided to talk on here so I don't call or txt msg her and look desperate.
It's funny because I'm the one who is looking for help yet shes the one with the addiction.
The Manipulation of an active alcoholic
Hi everyone. I was hoping that I could ask you all a favor. I am sober now for a few months and am working my recovery to the best of my ability. I had been floating in and out of AA for quite some time now, but never really "got" it until I had that spiritual awakening. Since then, I have made my sobriety and my recovery the main priority in my life, knowing that if I don't, nothing else good in my life will fall into place.
My gifts are being received almost daily. My oldest daughter has been returned to me legally by the court system, and my youngest is on her way. I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my baby, where before I only had visitation rights. I am finally starting to feel like a "Mom" again and am so very grateful that I am now well enough to take that task back on. I am also so grateful to my family and my daughter's father (even though we hate eachother) for stepping in and taking them from me, because it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start to get well. My 2 girls coming home to me I know is a gift from my Higher Power because of my honest sobriety.
It took awhile for me to be grateful for my alcoholism, at first I was mad that my sponsor said that having my children taken away and losing my soulmate was a gift from God, because it made me focus on myself. I hated her for saying that, but in time I came to realize that it is so true. Without my losses I would not be here today, clean and sober and active in my recovery, instead of active in addiction. I am truly a "grateful recovering alcoholic"!
A little history in the relationship department for you all. Please bear with me. My soulmate (who is not an alcoholic or addict) and I have been together off and on for over 7 years. During what I thought was a "break" I hooked up with another alcoholic and started feeding off of him. We fed eachothers addiction. I quickly became pregnant with my now 22 month old. I am a binge drinker and would stop for lengths of sobriety but did continue to drink here and there, even when I was pregnant. The father never stopped me because I'm sure he knew he was losing his "drinking" buddy. Us alcoholics we are selfish you know. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years flipping back and forth between my daughter's father and my soulmate. I love my soulmate, but he was a force in the way of me drinking and in my mind he would get in the way of my bottle. I spent 2 1/2 years manipulating anyone and anything I could to protect my booze and my "right" to drink. I did not want to quit drinking and would go to any lengths to make sure I protected that part of my life, despite the losses I was enduring on the way. I wasn't thinking about whom I hurt in my path of destruction, I only really thought of how I could continue to drink.
During that time, I would try to stay sober, sometimes for a few months at a time, but I was still obsessing about it constantly, thinking of when I would be "able" to drink again, and making sure I had it set up so that I could without any interference. I was the best at manipulation.
I lied, cheated and betrayed my soulmate beyond belief because he wouldn't let me drink, and the baby's father never had a problem with it. I tried to protect both relationships and I failied. But in my heart I did love my soulmate (and still do) so I could never really cut the cord with him. Deep down even during that dark time, I knew and still know that we are meant for eachother. He accepted my unexpected pregnancy with love and tried so hard to make things work between us. We had a future together and my disease sabotaged it.
I was talking to my soulmate the other day. He told me that he doesn't believe that all my actions in the past were due to alcohol. He said that I had been sober throughout all the bad stuff too, so I couldn't blame it all on booze. I'm not trying to blame booze entirely. I know it was my actions, sober or not, that was the end all of us. However he doesn't quite understand that even though I wasn't drinking at the time, I wasn't really in recovery. He doesn't understand the drive behind addiction and how one can be so manipulative. He also doesnt understand that even though I was sober, I wasn't really truly sober. He believes that I don't love him, and never did because if I did, I would have never lied to him, and cheated on him, or I should have chose "us" and our future. He doesn't quite understand that I wasn't capable of that.
I am currently trying to give him some space so that he can try to heal on his own. He is unwilling for us to try to heal "together" until he can heal himself. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and will always put my recovery above all else. I am practicing patience and acceptance.
With the exception of parenting, the baby's father and I have no relationship and we never will again. Our only commonality is/was booze. Without that we have nothing to offer eachother. That chapter of my life is finally over! Whew, thank God! I never really loved him in the first place, but we were drinking partners and being the good little alcoholic that I am I had to manipulate that situation to protect my right to drink at the time. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to do that anymore!! What a relief!
My soulmate has always been one to try to educate himself more about my addiction and be supportive. He's gone to AA meetings with me and sober function to learn more and show his support.
So, for the favor. Is there anyone willing to share their own personal story about active addiction? Whom you hurt in the process? Anyone that can explain the drive to manipulate? The drive to protect their active disease? The force of desire so strong that you didn't think about who you hurt, and never really cared anyway? How a dry drunk acts? I really would appreciate any personal stories and/or good links to direct him to. He keeps telling me that I never truly loved him or else I wouldn't have treated him the way I did. That to me is likened to when people tell me that if I just loved my children enough, I wouldn't have neglected them for drinking and I would of never lost them. I love my children more than the world, but that bottle was calling my name constantly. I take responsibility for my actions, but he thinks that side of me was the "true" me and is extremely hesitant to learn the "real" me. The kind, loving, trusting, and responsible me. Not just who I was way back when, but how I am continueing to grow daily and improve me even more so!! I was not an active alcoholic when we first me, so he has seen some part of the "true" me. That monster that I became is just not the person I am.
Thank you all for your help. Sorry that this was so long winded.
Achanceonu
:praying
My gifts are being received almost daily. My oldest daughter has been returned to me legally by the court system, and my youngest is on her way. I currently have joint legal and physical custody of my baby, where before I only had visitation rights. I am finally starting to feel like a "Mom" again and am so very grateful that I am now well enough to take that task back on. I am also so grateful to my family and my daughter's father (even though we hate eachother) for stepping in and taking them from me, because it gave me the opportunity to focus on me and start to get well. My 2 girls coming home to me I know is a gift from my Higher Power because of my honest sobriety.
It took awhile for me to be grateful for my alcoholism, at first I was mad that my sponsor said that having my children taken away and losing my soulmate was a gift from God, because it made me focus on myself. I hated her for saying that, but in time I came to realize that it is so true. Without my losses I would not be here today, clean and sober and active in my recovery, instead of active in addiction. I am truly a "grateful recovering alcoholic"!
A little history in the relationship department for you all. Please bear with me. My soulmate (who is not an alcoholic or addict) and I have been together off and on for over 7 years. During what I thought was a "break" I hooked up with another alcoholic and started feeding off of him. We fed eachothers addiction. I quickly became pregnant with my now 22 month old. I am a binge drinker and would stop for lengths of sobriety but did continue to drink here and there, even when I was pregnant. The father never stopped me because I'm sure he knew he was losing his "drinking" buddy. Us alcoholics we are selfish you know. I've spent the last 2 1/2 years flipping back and forth between my daughter's father and my soulmate. I love my soulmate, but he was a force in the way of me drinking and in my mind he would get in the way of my bottle. I spent 2 1/2 years manipulating anyone and anything I could to protect my booze and my "right" to drink. I did not want to quit drinking and would go to any lengths to make sure I protected that part of my life, despite the losses I was enduring on the way. I wasn't thinking about whom I hurt in my path of destruction, I only really thought of how I could continue to drink.
During that time, I would try to stay sober, sometimes for a few months at a time, but I was still obsessing about it constantly, thinking of when I would be "able" to drink again, and making sure I had it set up so that I could without any interference. I was the best at manipulation.
I lied, cheated and betrayed my soulmate beyond belief because he wouldn't let me drink, and the baby's father never had a problem with it. I tried to protect both relationships and I failied. But in my heart I did love my soulmate (and still do) so I could never really cut the cord with him. Deep down even during that dark time, I knew and still know that we are meant for eachother. He accepted my unexpected pregnancy with love and tried so hard to make things work between us. We had a future together and my disease sabotaged it.
I was talking to my soulmate the other day. He told me that he doesn't believe that all my actions in the past were due to alcohol. He said that I had been sober throughout all the bad stuff too, so I couldn't blame it all on booze. I'm not trying to blame booze entirely. I know it was my actions, sober or not, that was the end all of us. However he doesn't quite understand that even though I wasn't drinking at the time, I wasn't really in recovery. He doesn't understand the drive behind addiction and how one can be so manipulative. He also doesnt understand that even though I was sober, I wasn't really truly sober. He believes that I don't love him, and never did because if I did, I would have never lied to him, and cheated on him, or I should have chose "us" and our future. He doesn't quite understand that I wasn't capable of that.
I am currently trying to give him some space so that he can try to heal on his own. He is unwilling for us to try to heal "together" until he can heal himself. In the meantime, I continue to work on me and will always put my recovery above all else. I am practicing patience and acceptance.
With the exception of parenting, the baby's father and I have no relationship and we never will again. Our only commonality is/was booze. Without that we have nothing to offer eachother. That chapter of my life is finally over! Whew, thank God! I never really loved him in the first place, but we were drinking partners and being the good little alcoholic that I am I had to manipulate that situation to protect my right to drink at the time. I am grateful that I don't feel the need to do that anymore!! What a relief!
My soulmate has always been one to try to educate himself more about my addiction and be supportive. He's gone to AA meetings with me and sober function to learn more and show his support.
So, for the favor. Is there anyone willing to share their own personal story about active addiction? Whom you hurt in the process? Anyone that can explain the drive to manipulate? The drive to protect their active disease? The force of desire so strong that you didn't think about who you hurt, and never really cared anyway? How a dry drunk acts? I really would appreciate any personal stories and/or good links to direct him to. He keeps telling me that I never truly loved him or else I wouldn't have treated him the way I did. That to me is likened to when people tell me that if I just loved my children enough, I wouldn't have neglected them for drinking and I would of never lost them. I love my children more than the world, but that bottle was calling my name constantly. I take responsibility for my actions, but he thinks that side of me was the "true" me and is extremely hesitant to learn the "real" me. The kind, loving, trusting, and responsible me. Not just who I was way back when, but how I am continueing to grow daily and improve me even more so!! I was not an active alcoholic when we first me, so he has seen some part of the "true" me. That monster that I became is just not the person I am.
Thank you all for your help. Sorry that this was so long winded.
Achanceonu
:praying
I guess I must be in DENIAL. What do you think?
Hi all.
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
He has stopped calling. He still sees the kids (not as much as he used to). Last week when I kicked him out he said all these grandois things like "I'm getting my own place, a job, a car" "Life is GREAT" "I have never felt this great"! (he has been on workmans comp for almost 2 years now just had his back surgery in June)
Now this week he is withdrawn and not overly talkative. He stopped calling. He looks like crap everytime I see him. Yesterday when I saw him he was laying in a recliner telling me not to knock so loud because he had a terrible headache. Friend told me that was manipulation because he wanted me to ask if he was alright and take care of him like I used to when he was sick.
I m thinking now that he has run out of his pills because he is withdrawn again. I just dont see him as begin as bad as others that are here. He told me last week that it was over and that he just wanted to be friends. He didnt need me. Was even telling his family that we get along better now that we dont live together. And now this week he has a hard time talking to me and even being around me. I am a little lost here. He asked me to take him to the dr today and then he told me to forget it he would find his own way. Its just so back and forth with him. Yesterday he told me that he was coming to get the rest of his things from our home and to please take the kids out so they dont have to watch that. I just hate how powerless this feels. Its like he has the power cause he is calling all the shots.
Just need to vent and possibly get some responses as to what is going on here.
Thanks
I have been reading the posts of others here and have been saying that things in my situation are not as bad as these that I read. Yes, my exbf is abusing his pills. I do believe that. I know that. But is his mind so clouded that he just cant see what he is doing to his family? Can the abuse of perks and oxy really cause that types of cloudiness?
He has stopped calling. He still sees the kids (not as much as he used to). Last week when I kicked him out he said all these grandois things like "I'm getting my own place, a job, a car" "Life is GREAT" "I have never felt this great"! (he has been on workmans comp for almost 2 years now just had his back surgery in June)
Now this week he is withdrawn and not overly talkative. He stopped calling. He looks like crap everytime I see him. Yesterday when I saw him he was laying in a recliner telling me not to knock so loud because he had a terrible headache. Friend told me that was manipulation because he wanted me to ask if he was alright and take care of him like I used to when he was sick.
I m thinking now that he has run out of his pills because he is withdrawn again. I just dont see him as begin as bad as others that are here. He told me last week that it was over and that he just wanted to be friends. He didnt need me. Was even telling his family that we get along better now that we dont live together. And now this week he has a hard time talking to me and even being around me. I am a little lost here. He asked me to take him to the dr today and then he told me to forget it he would find his own way. Its just so back and forth with him. Yesterday he told me that he was coming to get the rest of his things from our home and to please take the kids out so they dont have to watch that. I just hate how powerless this feels. Its like he has the power cause he is calling all the shots.
Just need to vent and possibly get some responses as to what is going on here.
Thanks
It’s my 40th today
Had a great weekend away with my best girls. The people at work were lovely, Thai lunch, huge bunch of flowers and the promise of more tomorrow.
Then I get home and find 2 cards and a letter from exA on the mat. I had read similar posts here before so was sort of expecting it but hoping he wouldn't.
Suprised by the reaction, seriously thought I'd feel nothing but had that prickly sensation in my eyes that you get when you are about to cry. Have decided it is manipulation though, he thinks I'm too well brought up not to phone and say thanks. Not playing the game, I'm going to be rude for a change!!!!
Took the shine of my evening as my mum had done something so thoughtfull, she gave me the ruby and diamond ring my grandmother received for her 40th aniversary to me for my 40th birthday (we were sooo close) I'm now feeling crappy as I let him spoil my reaction to it!!!!!!!
Then I get home and find 2 cards and a letter from exA on the mat. I had read similar posts here before so was sort of expecting it but hoping he wouldn't.
Suprised by the reaction, seriously thought I'd feel nothing but had that prickly sensation in my eyes that you get when you are about to cry. Have decided it is manipulation though, he thinks I'm too well brought up not to phone and say thanks. Not playing the game, I'm going to be rude for a change!!!!
Took the shine of my evening as my mum had done something so thoughtfull, she gave me the ruby and diamond ring my grandmother received for her 40th aniversary to me for my 40th birthday (we were sooo close) I'm now feeling crappy as I let him spoil my reaction to it!!!!!!!
