Archive for the ‘Manipulations’ tag
Take the Plunge
I registered for this forum a few months ago. I had broken up with my "A" Girlfriend moments before, and I had just moved back "home" (to my "home" area) after moving up to help my Family who were in dire straits.
The move to help them had cost me my Business, House, Life savings, relationship, Sobriety and ultimately in a very real way, my sanity.
My family literally sucked me dry then tossed me aside. I was dating a woman who made it very clear to me that she wouldn't help me in any way, was not welcome to stay at her house, that she "wished me luck" but it was no business of hers.
I ended making the decision and leaving in under 72 hours, I was basically broke, had no job waiting, no place....I had to "couch surf" at friends houses, I am 43, and hadn't had to ask for help in many many years, I had been the one to help others, not need help, it was horrible, it was frightening, it was deflating.
My self esteem was shattered, not to mention my whole "reality", living, working with, and dating extremely sick practicing alcoholics had taken me to depths I hadn't even reached in my own "alcoholic" bottom.
The first Tiff I got in with this woman after I moved, she called me a jobless, homeless bum, even though I was supporting myself by finding odd jobs and spending hours and hours every day sending out resumes, then applying to places every afternoon.
I ended up leaving her shortly after I moved, She was an active alcoholic nearing her bottom with all the behavior that goes with that, the denial, the rages, the lies, manipulations, etc. We've all seen the threads, we know what that looks like. It was awful, it was truly terrible. Strangely enough I didn't leave her for "her drinking" but for all the behaviors that accompanied her drinking, her lying, her manipulations, her abuse, "her drinking" barely registered on my radar, although I left her when she said she'd quit and kept "disappearing", drinking and lying about it, and new "swinger" or "porn" guys would invariably appear on her "friends list a few days later at her "social" website, she would explain how she either worked with them or they were "old friends" and it was just a series of unhappy coincidences that they seemed to have these "swinger" or "porn" links connected to their "page" and she didn't know that they lived 'The Lifestyle" (I had actually never heard that term before for people who "swing") .
That period of time was the darkest time I have ever endured, and I have had a few doozies.
So anyway, four months later:
I plunged into "the program" and am actively working the steps, with all of the "inside" and "outside" miracles that accompany that process.
I am living with 3 pretty great sober kids (late twenties), 2 are newly in a relationship, so it's like having puppies and toddlers in the house all the time thump thump thump giggle giggle shriek giggle thumpthumpthump (them chasing each other through the house) He reads her "bedtime stories" every night, it's very romantic.
I have a house lined up on February 1st to move in all to myself, it's being renovated right now.
I am gainfully employed, at 43 years of age, I am climbing "Big Wood" (Large and Dangerous trees) again, I haven't "climbed" regularly for something like 8 years, I had gained weight (running the family restaurant) and felt like a giant blob. The exercise alone has transformed me, it's like sprinting all day on a jungle Gym with 50lbs strapped to your body....getting in shape? Oh yeah! I feel like I could pick up my car now and I had forgotten how good I was, and how fun it can be. Super scary, but exciting and quite frankly, sexy) and we are looking at and working for opening up a branch of his business here that I will run, along with a crew, he's been trying out different climbers for me.
I have reconnected with all my old friends, we socialize frequently, I go out with different ones a few times a week.
Oh...and....I met someone.....actually we started talking a few months ago but it has kind of started "picking up steam" (pun intended) and I am hopping on a plane to vacation with her tomorrow for five days. To say she is amazing would be an idiotic understatement and would be a dis-service to her. She is wonderful....it's crazy....I don't even know how to be with someone who is nice to me, it's terrifying!!!! Like, what do you mean you "hear" me? what do you mean "you own your part"? what? telling me the truth, what an odd concept!
I could really get used to this whole "healthy life" thing again. I had forgotten how wonderful it can be. And it's actually even better then I remember, this last few years makes it all the sweeter, I hope I never grow complacent again, although I know I will, I hope I can remember what it was like, and remember to have gratitude for the little things in life on a daily basis.
four months!
That's not bad for an old (formerly) fat guy!
So if you are "sitting on the fence" and "feel trapped" if you "take the plunge" "clean house" and "trust in God" wonderful things are waiting out there, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.
If you look closely you can see me up in the tree, those are both 20k and 50k "high voltage" wires running through the tree, I think i squeaked a few times...umm...a very deep squeak...umm...yeah...a "manly" squeak.
I'm nearly 44
I'm getting on a plane in ten hours....it's been years since I got on a plane!
A house?
A nice girl?
a vacation?
egads! what did I wait so long for??!!?!?!?!?!
The move to help them had cost me my Business, House, Life savings, relationship, Sobriety and ultimately in a very real way, my sanity.
My family literally sucked me dry then tossed me aside. I was dating a woman who made it very clear to me that she wouldn't help me in any way, was not welcome to stay at her house, that she "wished me luck" but it was no business of hers.
I ended making the decision and leaving in under 72 hours, I was basically broke, had no job waiting, no place....I had to "couch surf" at friends houses, I am 43, and hadn't had to ask for help in many many years, I had been the one to help others, not need help, it was horrible, it was frightening, it was deflating.
My self esteem was shattered, not to mention my whole "reality", living, working with, and dating extremely sick practicing alcoholics had taken me to depths I hadn't even reached in my own "alcoholic" bottom.
The first Tiff I got in with this woman after I moved, she called me a jobless, homeless bum, even though I was supporting myself by finding odd jobs and spending hours and hours every day sending out resumes, then applying to places every afternoon.
I ended up leaving her shortly after I moved, She was an active alcoholic nearing her bottom with all the behavior that goes with that, the denial, the rages, the lies, manipulations, etc. We've all seen the threads, we know what that looks like. It was awful, it was truly terrible. Strangely enough I didn't leave her for "her drinking" but for all the behaviors that accompanied her drinking, her lying, her manipulations, her abuse, "her drinking" barely registered on my radar, although I left her when she said she'd quit and kept "disappearing", drinking and lying about it, and new "swinger" or "porn" guys would invariably appear on her "friends list a few days later at her "social" website, she would explain how she either worked with them or they were "old friends" and it was just a series of unhappy coincidences that they seemed to have these "swinger" or "porn" links connected to their "page" and she didn't know that they lived 'The Lifestyle" (I had actually never heard that term before for people who "swing") .
That period of time was the darkest time I have ever endured, and I have had a few doozies.
So anyway, four months later:
I plunged into "the program" and am actively working the steps, with all of the "inside" and "outside" miracles that accompany that process.
I am living with 3 pretty great sober kids (late twenties), 2 are newly in a relationship, so it's like having puppies and toddlers in the house all the time thump thump thump giggle giggle shriek giggle thumpthumpthump (them chasing each other through the house) He reads her "bedtime stories" every night, it's very romantic.
I have a house lined up on February 1st to move in all to myself, it's being renovated right now.
I am gainfully employed, at 43 years of age, I am climbing "Big Wood" (Large and Dangerous trees) again, I haven't "climbed" regularly for something like 8 years, I had gained weight (running the family restaurant) and felt like a giant blob. The exercise alone has transformed me, it's like sprinting all day on a jungle Gym with 50lbs strapped to your body....getting in shape? Oh yeah! I feel like I could pick up my car now and I had forgotten how good I was, and how fun it can be. Super scary, but exciting and quite frankly, sexy) and we are looking at and working for opening up a branch of his business here that I will run, along with a crew, he's been trying out different climbers for me.
I have reconnected with all my old friends, we socialize frequently, I go out with different ones a few times a week.
Oh...and....I met someone.....actually we started talking a few months ago but it has kind of started "picking up steam" (pun intended) and I am hopping on a plane to vacation with her tomorrow for five days. To say she is amazing would be an idiotic understatement and would be a dis-service to her. She is wonderful....it's crazy....I don't even know how to be with someone who is nice to me, it's terrifying!!!! Like, what do you mean you "hear" me? what do you mean "you own your part"? what? telling me the truth, what an odd concept!
I could really get used to this whole "healthy life" thing again. I had forgotten how wonderful it can be. And it's actually even better then I remember, this last few years makes it all the sweeter, I hope I never grow complacent again, although I know I will, I hope I can remember what it was like, and remember to have gratitude for the little things in life on a daily basis.
four months!
That's not bad for an old (formerly) fat guy!
So if you are "sitting on the fence" and "feel trapped" if you "take the plunge" "clean house" and "trust in God" wonderful things are waiting out there, if it can happen for me, it can happen for anyone.
If you look closely you can see me up in the tree, those are both 20k and 50k "high voltage" wires running through the tree, I think i squeaked a few times...umm...a very deep squeak...umm...yeah...a "manly" squeak.
I'm nearly 44
I'm getting on a plane in ten hours....it's been years since I got on a plane!
A house?
A nice girl?
a vacation?
egads! what did I wait so long for??!!?!?!?!?!
Why do I let this happen over and over??
If you read my past threads you will find that I am struggling trying to let go of someone who pretty much just uses me to get what he wants. I have let this guy walk all over me. I don't understand why I do this??? He stole money from me 3 years ago and just did it again last weekend. He swears up and down that he didnt but I know that he did. After I accused him, he blew up and became verbally abusive and left. Now, a week later he is begging me for money to go and get something to pass a drug test with. After listening to all of his manipulations and rationalizations about why and everything, I DID!! How stupid? He grad college and for the past 3 months has been trying to find a job. Why do I give in to him all the time? I can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth. He lies all the time. We have been seeing each other off and on for 4 years. It's so complicated. I know, I know, shame on me for allowing him to use me over and over. There is so much more to tell but you get the idea. I care about him so much but I know that this is unhealthy and needs to stop. Any suggestions on HOW TO LET GO and find peace?? I keep telling myself I can't do this anymore but keep doing. I wish things would end peacefully but everytime something happens one of us gets mad and leaves. I left saturday morning after getting upset that he didnt want to spend the day with me. I haven't tried calling or texting and haven't heard from him either. I am getting tired of all this and don't know how much more I can take. I worry about him all the time and feel that he is heading for a train wreck if he doesn't change his ways. Time and time again, he will say he is changing and has stopped smoking pot and is growing up but then he turns around and keeps doing the same things. He will be 24 years old in January but tells me that he is just a Kid!!! I am older. This is driving me CRAZY!!!!!!
7 th tradition money problem
hello eveyone, would appreciate feedback on the following,the treaturer in one of our homegroups took the money of the 7 th tradition and went to use herione with it, he is now in a relapse, and started manipulations, and excuses that he is out of town, we spoke to him that we need the money to pay rent for the room but in vain. i met him yesterday while i was on the pool in my club, he had justed came out of the mens room, loaded, wasted, and he was in no state of mind.for me to open the issue with him he is an agressive character, and i see no reaosn to get into a fist fight, or try to force the money out of him... should we talk to his sponsor, while on the other hand,one of the fellows talked to him and said this is god's money, and not his to do as he pleases.and still no money back.
thanks for the feedback. i guess this is dealing with lifes terms.do we put the blame on the room secretary......
n.b the room will be closed due to not paying the rent, we announced that we neede fellows to attend that specific meeting, and put extra money to cover the loss, but still the response was low....
thankyou and god bless
thanks for the feedback. i guess this is dealing with lifes terms.do we put the blame on the room secretary......
n.b the room will be closed due to not paying the rent, we announced that we neede fellows to attend that specific meeting, and put extra money to cover the loss, but still the response was low....
thankyou and god bless
Sponsor/working the steps
I sat down with my new sponsor yesterday...I can't describe the overwhelming relief I felt when I got up from the table.
As I was giving him "background" he was nodding, sharing his own experiences, interrupting for clarification at some points...very very good listener, very reflective, and I found I didn't have to "explain" things or "convince" him, he had similar experiences in his past, which was an incredible relief.
I have done the steps a number of times in the past, and taken sponsees through them, what was nice is he gave me a homework assignment that I have never encountered, and it's a head scratcher and thought provoker (step zero he calls it)
Anyway, to sit down in a structured relationship, where I give/receive unconditional love, where there are no hidden agendas, no manipulations, no "come closer/get away, no "double binds", no "axes to grind", no "gifts with strings" with someone truly "on my side" is an incredible relief.
I can't convey how "safe" I felt...and it's been a LONG time I have ever felt or even been "safe" in relationships with those around me (If you read my other posts you will know I spent the last few years living with my alcoholic family and being involved with a "double bind" practicing alcoholic with a history of emotional/sexual/physical abuse with all of the behaviors that goes with that)
Anyway, enough about them, I just felt like I am finally taking charge of my own life, and hopefully my own brain a little bit LOL
It's been six weeks since I moved away from the family, and one week since I ended the relationship, every day gets a little better, and I'm finally beginning to "hear" all the messages of love coming at me. I went to meeting the other night and ran into a ton of old friends, people I haven't seen in years and the love I got was amazing...the guy with 5 years who I helped when he was new, 6 foot 5, maybe 300 pounds LEAPED into my arms and hugged me and nearly cried when he saw me ( OMG I share about you ALL the time), the woman who when I walked up, hugged me and turned to the large group she was with and said "I wouldn't be sober without this man" (and no we didn't date lol), the man I have known for 20 years who just hugged me and hugged me and talked with me till 3 am, just...the outpouring of love around the program is amazing and it's beginning to sink in.
Anyhow, I'm gonna be all right, since I moved that six weeks ago with three days notice (I left with no money, no place to live, no job, just jumped off the cliff in utter abandon) I have a wonderful home with a few other people in recovery, I have work lined up for all next week, and I have two job interviews this week (one today) where I applied as an employee and they took one look at my resume and asked if I would consider a management position instead.
I might make it, I might be OK.
As I was giving him "background" he was nodding, sharing his own experiences, interrupting for clarification at some points...very very good listener, very reflective, and I found I didn't have to "explain" things or "convince" him, he had similar experiences in his past, which was an incredible relief.
I have done the steps a number of times in the past, and taken sponsees through them, what was nice is he gave me a homework assignment that I have never encountered, and it's a head scratcher and thought provoker (step zero he calls it)
Anyway, to sit down in a structured relationship, where I give/receive unconditional love, where there are no hidden agendas, no manipulations, no "come closer/get away, no "double binds", no "axes to grind", no "gifts with strings" with someone truly "on my side" is an incredible relief.
I can't convey how "safe" I felt...and it's been a LONG time I have ever felt or even been "safe" in relationships with those around me (If you read my other posts you will know I spent the last few years living with my alcoholic family and being involved with a "double bind" practicing alcoholic with a history of emotional/sexual/physical abuse with all of the behaviors that goes with that)
Anyway, enough about them, I just felt like I am finally taking charge of my own life, and hopefully my own brain a little bit LOL
It's been six weeks since I moved away from the family, and one week since I ended the relationship, every day gets a little better, and I'm finally beginning to "hear" all the messages of love coming at me. I went to meeting the other night and ran into a ton of old friends, people I haven't seen in years and the love I got was amazing...the guy with 5 years who I helped when he was new, 6 foot 5, maybe 300 pounds LEAPED into my arms and hugged me and nearly cried when he saw me ( OMG I share about you ALL the time), the woman who when I walked up, hugged me and turned to the large group she was with and said "I wouldn't be sober without this man" (and no we didn't date lol), the man I have known for 20 years who just hugged me and hugged me and talked with me till 3 am, just...the outpouring of love around the program is amazing and it's beginning to sink in.
Anyhow, I'm gonna be all right, since I moved that six weeks ago with three days notice (I left with no money, no place to live, no job, just jumped off the cliff in utter abandon) I have a wonderful home with a few other people in recovery, I have work lined up for all next week, and I have two job interviews this week (one today) where I applied as an employee and they took one look at my resume and asked if I would consider a management position instead.
I might make it, I might be OK.
New here
Hello all,
I'm new. I left my alcoholic bf of almost 4 years. So miserable it was. Such a waste of time. Like walking around with a dark rain cloud hovering above my being. I lost a sense of myself. I stopped talking and socializing with lifelong friends. Financial troubles. Of goodness, such a waste! I tried to further my education. I am a nurse now. That program was hard but it was even more difficult when with an alcoholic. All the pain and sorrow i've endured. I came to the realization a couple of days ago that i can not change him, i can not help him. He has to want change and help. And I can't do any of that. I tell him all the time, that only an alcoholic can tell you how to stop drinking and live sober, not me! He kept me for so long with the freaking pity parties, guilt, manipulations!
He claims that everything he does he is doing for "us." Oh yeah?? How so?? I can count on one hand how many months out of 4 years he has a kept a job. There are many many months that i paid rent, two cars, insurance, cable, phone, electricity and food all by MYSELF with absolutely NO help!! And when he did work, how many times has he squandered away plenty of money at the casino all under a drunken bliss?? So who had to come to the bill rescue?? ME!!
How many times has he left me sitting at my old cashier's job stranded waiting for him to pick me up, long after the store closes at night? Plenty of times. Yall it even came to the point where i was plain nervous when it was time to get off cause i didn't know if i was going to have a ride home or not. I know that is stupid because why in the world would i give an alcoholic a free run of my precious vehicle that i am paying for?? Don't worry about. It eventually got repossessed anyway. Goodness I was sooo sooo stupid!
First DUI last month. Do you think that stopped him?? Nope! Still drinking and passing out.
He has attempted to stop drinking three times i know of. Only to go back to it within a week. Has been hospitalized twice for detox. Now he doesn't drink in front of me. Now he hides it in the mailbox. Under a bush. Somewhere in his car. And at least he has some sense with a DUI not to drive and a get a drink. He has some other enablers to drive him to the liquor store now!
Yes i am bitter. I just want my life back.
I'm new. I left my alcoholic bf of almost 4 years. So miserable it was. Such a waste of time. Like walking around with a dark rain cloud hovering above my being. I lost a sense of myself. I stopped talking and socializing with lifelong friends. Financial troubles. Of goodness, such a waste! I tried to further my education. I am a nurse now. That program was hard but it was even more difficult when with an alcoholic. All the pain and sorrow i've endured. I came to the realization a couple of days ago that i can not change him, i can not help him. He has to want change and help. And I can't do any of that. I tell him all the time, that only an alcoholic can tell you how to stop drinking and live sober, not me! He kept me for so long with the freaking pity parties, guilt, manipulations!
He claims that everything he does he is doing for "us." Oh yeah?? How so?? I can count on one hand how many months out of 4 years he has a kept a job. There are many many months that i paid rent, two cars, insurance, cable, phone, electricity and food all by MYSELF with absolutely NO help!! And when he did work, how many times has he squandered away plenty of money at the casino all under a drunken bliss?? So who had to come to the bill rescue?? ME!!
How many times has he left me sitting at my old cashier's job stranded waiting for him to pick me up, long after the store closes at night? Plenty of times. Yall it even came to the point where i was plain nervous when it was time to get off cause i didn't know if i was going to have a ride home or not. I know that is stupid because why in the world would i give an alcoholic a free run of my precious vehicle that i am paying for?? Don't worry about. It eventually got repossessed anyway. Goodness I was sooo sooo stupid!
First DUI last month. Do you think that stopped him?? Nope! Still drinking and passing out.
He has attempted to stop drinking three times i know of. Only to go back to it within a week. Has been hospitalized twice for detox. Now he doesn't drink in front of me. Now he hides it in the mailbox. Under a bush. Somewhere in his car. And at least he has some sense with a DUI not to drive and a get a drink. He has some other enablers to drive him to the liquor store now!
Yes i am bitter. I just want my life back.
