Archive for the ‘Many Moons’ tag
An update on me…
As most of you know I had about three months clean and was feeling a bit better every day. I had these weird dips downward of disassociation and severe depression but they never lasted more than a few days. I was medicated with Effexor (112.5mg daily), Klonopin (0.5mg-1.5mg daily) and Seroquel XR (50mg-100mg daily). I rarely took the Seroquel as it made everything generally worse and I kept the Klonopin down to a low-level so as to not develop a benzo dependence.
Fast-forward from August 23rd to around November 24th or so and I'm feeling really bad. Not just REALLY bad but worse than I've ever felt in my entire life. The meds are doing nothing anymore. I schedule an emergency meeting with the psychiatrist.
I explain everything to her. How I've suffered from bouts of disassociation/depression/anxiety for long periods (6+ months each time) since the age of 8. There is no reason for an eighty year old to suffer from these kinds of symptoms on a purely psychological basis, so she concluded, as I had many moons ago, that my depression is endogenous and almost totally physical in nature.
I explained to her how I had tried a long list of anti-depressant medication (illegally) before I found narcotics. None of them ever did a damn bit of good and the only thing that ever took my symptoms away was a moderate dose of opiate medication. I wasn't so much having a barnburner of a time taking opiates as I was just using them to feel some semblance of normalcy from the beginning.
After years of using oxycodone daily I never seemed to develop a tolerance, and though I always had enough money and enough supply to take more than 5-20mgs daily, I rarely, if ever, did.
Oxycodone gave me a life. It made me feel what I assume most normal people must feel like. I never really felt "high" (certainly not in the way most people describe) or out of control or anything like that.
After doing a lot of research I came to the conclusion that I have some kind of genetic endorphin dysfunction. A SPECT scan revealed that my brain activity was consistent with that of someone with extremely low (almost non-existant) levels of dopamine and endogenous opioids who don't respond to traditional anti-depressants, SSRI, tricyclic or MAOI.
While most people get progressively better as they remove opiates from their diet, I got progressively worse. Around the end of November I was so disassociated everything started to look 2-dimensional, like I was living in a world of paper. I experienced time distortion, event-continuity distortion and a host of other psychotic symptoms.
I gave in. I threw my toxic medication away and resumed my habit by insufflating 10mg of oxycodone. Within ten minutes all of my symptoms disappeared and I began wondering WTF I'd been doing for the last three months and why I even put myself through that hell to begin with.
I explained all of this to my psychiatrist and showed her some research I'd found on the internet about severe refractory neurosis being treated with opioids very successfully. She agreed with me completely; in that my quality of life and well-being was more important than outside opinions of my consumption and stiff prohibition laws. However, she was not technically allowed to prescribe these kinds of medications at her clinic (even though she legally is). She referred me to a hospital in downtown Montreal where they deal with this exact thing.
I have an appointment in early January and she said I could expect to be treated with Methadone and if it doesn't work I'd be supplied with my opiate of choice (besides diamorphine, obviously, not that I'd want it anyway).
The point I'm trying to convey here is that while most people who abuse opiates do so for pleasure, some of us do it out of necessity. Not once in my years of using Oxycodone did I consider using something harder, or using more than I was accustomed to because I had found a medication that finally made me feel like a human being and I didn't want to screw it up. I'm not condoning any of you go back to using, but I'm saying that a small minority of us that choose opiates may do so for reasons that are as legitimate as a diabetic taking insulin.
Well that's it I guess. I assume I'm still free to post here even if I'm not "clean"? :P
Fast-forward from August 23rd to around November 24th or so and I'm feeling really bad. Not just REALLY bad but worse than I've ever felt in my entire life. The meds are doing nothing anymore. I schedule an emergency meeting with the psychiatrist.
I explain everything to her. How I've suffered from bouts of disassociation/depression/anxiety for long periods (6+ months each time) since the age of 8. There is no reason for an eighty year old to suffer from these kinds of symptoms on a purely psychological basis, so she concluded, as I had many moons ago, that my depression is endogenous and almost totally physical in nature.
I explained to her how I had tried a long list of anti-depressant medication (illegally) before I found narcotics. None of them ever did a damn bit of good and the only thing that ever took my symptoms away was a moderate dose of opiate medication. I wasn't so much having a barnburner of a time taking opiates as I was just using them to feel some semblance of normalcy from the beginning.
After years of using oxycodone daily I never seemed to develop a tolerance, and though I always had enough money and enough supply to take more than 5-20mgs daily, I rarely, if ever, did.
Oxycodone gave me a life. It made me feel what I assume most normal people must feel like. I never really felt "high" (certainly not in the way most people describe) or out of control or anything like that.
After doing a lot of research I came to the conclusion that I have some kind of genetic endorphin dysfunction. A SPECT scan revealed that my brain activity was consistent with that of someone with extremely low (almost non-existant) levels of dopamine and endogenous opioids who don't respond to traditional anti-depressants, SSRI, tricyclic or MAOI.
While most people get progressively better as they remove opiates from their diet, I got progressively worse. Around the end of November I was so disassociated everything started to look 2-dimensional, like I was living in a world of paper. I experienced time distortion, event-continuity distortion and a host of other psychotic symptoms.
I gave in. I threw my toxic medication away and resumed my habit by insufflating 10mg of oxycodone. Within ten minutes all of my symptoms disappeared and I began wondering WTF I'd been doing for the last three months and why I even put myself through that hell to begin with.
I explained all of this to my psychiatrist and showed her some research I'd found on the internet about severe refractory neurosis being treated with opioids very successfully. She agreed with me completely; in that my quality of life and well-being was more important than outside opinions of my consumption and stiff prohibition laws. However, she was not technically allowed to prescribe these kinds of medications at her clinic (even though she legally is). She referred me to a hospital in downtown Montreal where they deal with this exact thing.
I have an appointment in early January and she said I could expect to be treated with Methadone and if it doesn't work I'd be supplied with my opiate of choice (besides diamorphine, obviously, not that I'd want it anyway).
The point I'm trying to convey here is that while most people who abuse opiates do so for pleasure, some of us do it out of necessity. Not once in my years of using Oxycodone did I consider using something harder, or using more than I was accustomed to because I had found a medication that finally made me feel like a human being and I didn't want to screw it up. I'm not condoning any of you go back to using, but I'm saying that a small minority of us that choose opiates may do so for reasons that are as legitimate as a diabetic taking insulin.
Well that's it I guess. I assume I'm still free to post here even if I'm not "clean"? :P
Tgfu
It has happened to me and I have finally sought help! I learned many moons ago never to judge people, but this path I chose and need all of your help to find my way back again. I am on Suboxone now. I am a true friend and asking for help and support and will give it back to you also. Lets hold hands, a strong wind is blowing....
