Drug Rehab Options Blog

I have been sponsoring a guy for the first time, he is only a couple years younger than me, but is already very progressed alcoholic. He has struggled hard with crystal meth, narcotics, and chronic drinking. I mean, drinking Listerine when he runs out of booze, getting into blackouts every time... He recently relapsed and was on a a 3 day bender, culminating in him getting arrested last night for stealing booze at a booze store (which he doesn't remember), and being released today. To top it all off, he has very enabling parents who refuse to kick him out of the house, and a girlfriend who I see as a classic enabler (her dad was an alcoholic, her sister married an alcoholic...) and is supporting him by not leaving him despite his relapses (not to mention that she is trying to stay sober herself using the "marijuana maintenance" program).

He says he wants to do what he is told. IE, go to as many meetings as possible, read his books, do the steps, etc. ...but I think he is just going to relapse again. He has been in long term treatment, short term treatment, taken the religious route etc. but I suspect that as long as his parents and this girl are taking care of him, he will continue until he is in jail permanently.

I am considering just telling him that I can't sponsor him, and he needs to talk to an old timer who has the teeth to let him have it. I have my own problems and don't think I have the years of experience needed to sponsor someone like this. I am thinking that if he relapses again after this I will just tell him to get a new sponsor because I can't be close to someone who is not doing what they are supposed to. For my own sanity and spiritual safety, I can't be close to anyone who isn't doing things 100% because I am still in the shaky years of my sobriety.

Any advice?

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?

My situation is more complicated:
I'm 10 years older then she is (30s and 20s yrs old)....

She has experimented (struggled) with drugs (addictions) since HS....

When we started going out I knew she smoked Marijuana....

She experienced a back injury and received Pain Meds....

As the injury healed I sensed she was still using the Pain Meds occasionally for Rec. purposes but never "taken" in front of me (not saying she was never stoned in front of me)....

As relationships go some of her behavior began to raise red flags which got me thinking there was something/someone else....

Through simple exploration and observation I discovered the bigger problem....

We (I guess "I") were able to move past this and things were very good....

Then one day "This relationship has progressed to fast and we need a break"....

Since this day (in July) contact has almost always been initiated by me and I know through contact with her and through mutual friends that she is spiraling out of control. Her usage has increased and the distance between us is extreme. Basically no contact, she will not return phone calls or e-mails....

At this point I don't know what I should do. I care about her deeply and want/need her to know that if/when she wants help I can be called upon. How do I let her know this? Do I let her know this? I've thought about writing her a letter or talking with her mom or sister-in-law but have been unable to decide if this is wise or not. I know that "recovery" must start with her and she must want to help herself, but can a person be nudged (pushed) into seeing what they are doing to them self? It's tearing me up to feel so helpless and after joining SR today I realize that I must help myself before I could even think of being there for her (I'm Codependent). So again....

My question(s) is simple...
1) How much contact should I have with my EXAGF?
2) Should contact come from her?
3) Should I just keep my distance or be a presence in her life?
4) (Added one) What should my roll in her recovery be?
5) (Added another) What should I do to help myself?

I?m new here today and VERY happy I found SR just wish I found it a while ago.

Hopeful with a Big Heart!

Hi All,

The Holiday's are a difficult time for the family's of A's. We have the tendency to use the Holiday to give gifts to make the families feel better about the suffering they endure living with an A and the A's tend to use the Holiday to give to make up for the pain they cause. This is confusing and manipulative for children who can't understand the difference.

My AW is in a recovery house since Thanksgiving week. I had to call the paramedics for a well check because she had been drinking mouthwash and would not get out of bed. They took her to the ER and then she found a recovery center. It's been five years of hell and she can still manipulate our 18 and 15 year old! Last Friday she took our 15 year old snowboarding with the her recovery group on a group sponsored trip. Of course the son comes back all excited and impressed with the younger members because they are so cool! I will be filing for divorce and custody this week. Enough insanity!

Most of all I feel she, and I by staying with her for the last five years, has completely screwed my boys ability to understand what a good relationship is, how and why to use alcohol and how to deal with addiction and relationships in which addiction is present. My 18 year old told me that even though there is no alcohol in the house and that I am pretty much a non-drinker that his Mom's behavior has affected his belief that using drugs and alcohol to have fun is something that all people do! He is against alcohol but feels it's okay to smoke marijuana because it won't be addicting! I am afraid for my kids and angry at my wife.

So, to sum up.....if not for you, the spouse or significant other of an A, then for your children....get away from an A and show, teach and model healthy relationships for your children!

Merry X-Mas to all!

Hi,My name is Steven.I reside in The Bronx,NY. I am about 2 months sober. I have been around 14 yrs almost.I had 6 yrs at one point from 1995-2001 -the last 7 years has been a roller coaster.I have not been able to get consistent Clean time again. My last slip was with Marijuana.I also am a sex addict as well but alcohol and crack cocaine nearly killed me.I am an evangelical Christian and Love my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ.Dick b has a website on the Christian roots of AA.Dick B on his website stated there are some groups called "The James Gang",inasmuch as early AA'ers used the Book of James,Sermon on the Mount from Matthew's gospel,and 1st Corinthians 13 on Love.I have been discouraged by AA today where you cannot even mention Jesus Christ or even God without being alienated.Plus,there arer a multitiude of "dry drunks" in AA dry from alcohol but miserable and acting out on other addictions.I want to meet people who are in AA or another 12 step who are on fire Christians and Love The Lord Jesus and can direct me to James Gang groups in my area or online.Grace to you,Steve

A year ago, I came here, to this forum and poured my heart out to you. I spoke about my son, my beautiful then 19 year old boy, an alcoholic and cocaine addict. And oh yes - let's not forget the marijuana and all the other mind-altering substances. I spoke about the rampant stealing, lying and all the horrific behavior that ruined all of our lives for the previous six years. I had no hope. I was at the point that I had completely given up and believe me, that wasn't easy. Then one day, he was evicted from his apartment for non-payment of rent and we weren't there to bail him out. He wanted to come home and we said no. He begged us and we said, "We're sorry, son, you can't stay here anymore." This was the hardest thing my husband and I ever did in our lives. In the dead of winter, my son lived in his car, with no gas, no money and no food. His next phone call was to a rehab center.

Our son has now been sober for 10 months. He attends AA meetings faithfully, holds down 2 jobs and is one of the best people I have ever met in my life. I write this to let you know that if it can happen for us, it can happen for you. There's hope.

Hi all, I'm new here. I just found out last week that my boyfriend of 18 years and father of my children, has been taking cocaine for over a year. I asked him to leave over a month ago as his behaviour was becoming intolerable, not knowing that he had this addiction. Things have been strained between us for some time as I had to return to work 3 years ago when he couldn't (or wouldn't) find work. I have been becoming increasingly fed up at doing a days work and then coming home to pick the kids up from school, cook dinner, wash clothes, clean etc... He couldn't seem to understand why I was so fed up and why I didn't want to be intimate with him as much as he wanted. He has done some private work which I needed to pay the mortgage as the tenant in our other flat was not paying the rent. He kept telling me that he hadn't been paid for these jobs and made a big show of making phone calls (which I now know were all an act) to ask for the money. Over the last few months he has also been draining money out of our bank account, including using money set aside for my boys' birthday presents. We are now in the position that I am so far behind on the mortgage that we may lose both of our apartments. I'm trying to sell the one we don't live in but it's very difficult at the moment.

I'm finding it very hard to deal with all the lies that he has told me and that he could be so irresponsible to let it get to a point that our children could be made homeless. He is now trying to make me feel that this is all my fault. He has told me today that it's my fault that he started taking cocaine (he has always smoked marijuana-something that I also did in my youth but stopped 14 years ago). I feel so cheated and betrayed right now and feel like I am slipping into a deep pit of depression, I feel that the last 18 years have been nothing but lies and don't know how to separate lies from truth. I want to try to be supportive but, I can't bear to even look at him at the moment. He's not the person that I thought he was and I feel cheated of a partner and friend as well as a father for my children. I don't know how to deal with all of this. I have some good friends around me but I have no family here and I don't think they would be very understanding anyway. Everything I've worked for seems to be crumbling away through no fault of my own and yet, he's trying to burden me with the guilt. Is this usual for an addict to blame someone else for their own weakness or do I need to shoulder some of the blame? My friends tell me that I have nothing to feel bad about but, are they just saying that because they are my friends?

Thanks for listening.

It DOES get easier though it's not a walk in the park by any means.

I was going through hell up until yesterday. Still dealing with the cravings, but I am reaping the benefits finally of having a more stable mood and a clear head.

They say the worst of the withdrawal process should be between 2 and 10 days.

I fully believe this addiction goes beyond just the psychological. I had all kinds of physical withdrawal symptoms this time around. I was seriously worried about myself for a bit there - felt like I was going to have a seizure, pass out, and I even stumbled a bit I was so dizzy - stomach pains, headaches from hell, etc.

If it were not really addictive, then how come so many pot-smokers I know can't quit or don't want to quit? Or they try to quit or "take a break" but not for very long.

I really believe by now that just the process of turning on the reward center of your brain with an outside substance is enough of an addiction problem that will change your brain chemistry in some way.

Anyway, I think I am reminding myself that I need to keep my guard up with this "natural herbal high." I can't smoke pot. That is all there is to it. It does more to me than it does for me. It rewires my whole brain chemistry and I would not want to risk doing that to myself again - not even for old time's sake.

This ten day period of being clean has shown me that there is a better way to live than to be stoned every day. Now I have to deal with the psychological stuff, but I think I will be fine.

I was wondering in peoples experience do addicts ever get better??? What does it really take for an alcoholic/drug addict need? My BF was a meth user, then after rehab he turned to hard liquor--and continues to smoke marijuana. We have been together for 1 yr 1/2 and its been a roller coaster. Due to stress he says he fell victim to using some meth a few times and cocaine. He is in jail now awaiting his 6 month residential treatment program. I have never ever been with someone who is an addict or even used drugs. Yvonne :codiepolice

I have been having some really weird ups and downs - almost like rapid cycling. However, the highs are kind of good, but in some way too much.

Was anyone here trying to self-medicate Bipolar with weed?

I think it was making my depression worse. Now the highs are a little higher than I would like.

I am on medication for this, however. So I have been needing to see how this stuff works.

I am also on Tramadol for chronic pain management. I do not abuse this though I am wondering if maybe its effects are stronger now that I am off of the weed.

I have the shakes, however, I feel so keyed up. I was pretty depressed just an hour ago and then all of the sudden I was high as a kite.

Maybe this is just my brain trying to "re-calibrate" itself all of the sudden.

I would think that someone with a real clinical mood disorder might have a harder time getting off of a drug or not.

I am on day 9.

I met my husband at a night club. We were young and both partiers. That was 12 years ago.

To make a long story as short as possible, I became pregnant by him not long after meeting him. We then lived together for 9 months until our first child was about 3 or 4 months old. Before we separated I was pregnant again with twins this time. I was only 23 at the time and desparately immature and had no idea what I was getting myself into. As you would expect the relationship did not work out and I wound up in a home for women and he wound up in prison for drug charges.

Fast forward 12 years. I've managed to get my life together for my sake and the boys (all 3 boys). The boys had been raised to this point by me alone with no involvement from their father. I decided that it was time they know who their father was about a year ago and wrote him in prison. (He had been living a crazy lifestyle all these years and in and out of prison).

For some reason after we met (he was out of prison in May 2007), we really connected and I seemed to just fall right back in love with him. We dated for a couple of months and then married. Since I've married him, I realized the depth of his addiction problems. For years, I never knew it was really that serious. I just thought he was in "party" mode all that time. I've never understood that it was a disease until now. I've studied, prayed, pleaded with him, cried to him, gotten angry with him, tried to put my foot down in certain areas, etc. etc., but he still continues to drink. I'm learning my own utter lack of control over his drinking and his urges to use marijuana (another of his addictions).


He indicates to me that he is basically self-medicating. He has "adult-add" and these substances slow his mind down and its the only method he knows of on how to cope with his racing mind and impulsive ways. He is not abusive in any way except sometimes it hurts me emotionally when he wants to go places and be around people that are clearly part of his disease. This is the hardest part to deal with even though he is not one to stay out all night and has never been home later than 10:00 - and this has only happened a few times. In my mind I tend to believe the only reason he doesn't go and stay out all night is because he knows there is a great chance his bags would be packed and at the door when he got in.

So far the other hardest part of this disease is just watching him self-destruct and abuse his body. He sits on the front porch for hours and hours, drinking, smoking, and playing online poker with his cell phone - completely detached from the rest of the family. He stays sweet and kind-hearted even when he is messed up (for the most part - although the alcohol has given occasion to boldness and ugliness towards me that he would not otherwise have had).

He tells me that he likes it when I put my foot down. He appreciates it when I come down hard on him for spending too much money on alcohol, drugs. Right now we are having EXTREME financial difficulties and have to share a car since we can't afford to put one of them in the shop. He does hold down a $10 an hour job in construction. He came really close to losing the job last month and this prompted him to attend AA for 13 meetings then he quit going when he listened to the lies of the disease again telling him he could drink like normal people.

He is currently on another binge. The binges usually last 3 or 4 days at least and then he'll take about a 2 day break.

We've only been married going on 8 months. I'm six months pregnant now with our 4th child - a girl this time.

I guess my question is I feel like if I don't talk to him when he is drunk, we will never be able to talk, because he usually is drunk. If I must wait until he is sober to be able to talk to him, then won't we grow distant and our marriage just fall apart? Sometimes I feel like he desparately wants someone to put their foot down and make him behave. Does that have to be me? How can it be me? I don't know how to do this. How can I put my foot down to a man? Every time I have done it, he tells me how much he appreciates it and how much his life has changed and how much more self-control he has when he is with me. If he needs me so much, then what will happen when he no longer needs me? When he gets well, (I'm praying he does) will he then leave since the basis of his love for me is his need for me it seems? Please remember that this man is not abusive toward me or the boys.(He is a very attentive and caring father) He is just very sick right now and he has told me he feels like he is in constant turmoil against himself - part of him wants to quit and just get well and never drink again, but the other part of him will not allow him to let go and learn other ways to cope.

Also, he has been seeing a therapist who has started him on medication, but it seems to me that the medication will have a very difficult time working as long as he keeps drinking. I've told him this but of course that does no good.

I'm sorry this is so long. It's really hard to read such long posts, but with this being my first post, I had alot to explain. Thank you for your time!!!