Drug Rehab Options Blog

"The mask I put on every morning"


"The pain as it knits itself to my skull"


"The horror as I remove it"

Girls,

My now ex (3 and a half months since we parted but relationship slowly died over a period of months prior) has been in rehab twice for heroin and is currently having a lot of "fun" with alcohol and cocaine. He may be doing other stuff now but not really being in contact with him I can't know.

You know what tho? I have spent so long talking about him that today I want to talk about me. I wanted to come here to do it as it is women only.

Over the weekend I really wanted to contact ex but fought with myself not to and succeeded. Although I still felt anxious I felt better because I knew if he had replied it would only have been because I contacted him and it would have opened up hope in my heart again to receive messages etc.

When I got in from work tonight I really felt the urge again to contact but refrained and instead read a lot of posts on here. Whilst I was reading them I asked myself why on earth I wanted to contact him? You know if my life was going really well or better that it currently is (not that it's not going well but you know I am still in a bit of limbo) I probably wouldn't think of contacting him....From that thought I suddenly thought something else too. If my life is not what I want and yet I go looking for him (whose life is clearly not going well at all) then in some way I must be sick too. You know it is awful but it suddenly dawned on me that I could somehow be using his addiction to mask taking care of my own back yard....... It is really easy to be upset with others and their misgivings isn't it because it stops us concentrating on our own.

Ok, this is going to ramble a little and probably veer from place to place but I kind of need to vomit verbally so forgive me but...

When I met him he was a very different man. In fact when I met him I had no idea of how bad/traumatic his past had been for him. I am talking abuse by another guy as a child, being homeless, turning tricks on the street etc before he seriously tried to kill himself but failed - after this he went into rehab for the first time. Anyway, back to now. When I met him I saw him as some kind of beacon of light, as that was what he was really, and in a way I idolised him and his purity/graciousness etc - he was everything I would have liked to be. You know I am a good person and I have a big heart but I know what my negative traits are when they surface: stubborness (pure ego), fiestyness (hate feeling that I am being told what to do - father very strict) righteousness (ego again right?) , spitefulness (defence mechanism), selfishness in wanting my own way and being impatient (hereditary lol - part of me i dislike the most) too.

When he was in recovery (when we first met) I can tell you he never showed any of these traits ever, or any negative trait. It was almost like living with an angel. He was always so optimistic, happy, loving, wise, patient, forgiving, compassionate, giving. God I used to look at him and thank God for having him in my life as I felt that although I am a good person just having him near me made me an even better person every day..... Sorry I just suddenly remembered how very, very special it was for a second.

When he told me tho about his huge drug use prior to becoming homeless (it was coke in the good days and then heroin in his homeless ones), and all the group sex he had whilst high, running drugs to prostitutes etc and then the turning tricks once he did end up on the street etc I tried to act like I was cool with it but it didn't really sit with me. I know it is really wrong to take people's past and bring it into the present and I didn't want to do that or pass any kind of judgement on that but for some reason I would find my mind becoming distracted by thoughts of this past life and it made me really uncomfortable. Now I kind of wish I had just enjoyed our time together when he was clean and ignored these thoughts cause in some way I feel like me thinking them changed some of my behaviours towards him and may have ended up contributing to him wanting to drink again (which of course led to drugs) in the first place if that makes sense.

Girls, I am an intelligent, attractive woman but to be honest I am probably a bit insecure about myself although I do tend to hide it quite well. But when I found out about all this you can imagine how that general, subtle insecurity started to grow a little bit I think. I am so ashamed but I started to feel insecure about one of my girlfriends, you know I kind of started to ....not to feel "threatened" by her cause she would never have done anything with him but I just felt in a way, I don't know, that I didn't really want her around when he was there with me. I kind of wanted him to myself - **** what a child. When we first met I remember I didn't really take to this girl, she just felt so domineering but then due to having to live with her I got know and like her a lot. We shared an amazing friendship. I did find her domineering, always wanting her own way (and getting it) and she would never say sorry for one thing but she was a very good friend to me and I was to her too. Just before we fell out I had kind of gotten to a point of being completely fed up with her and her lack of doing one single thing around the house. I suppose being in my new relationship made me less inclined to have to put up with her if you know what I mean. I kept asking nicely for her to help/contribute and she continued to nothing. Could this be why I started to feel envious of her do you think or am I fooling myself and would I have felt resentful anyway? And why the f*** did I feel envious of her? Long story short, I told her I was fed up after weeks of politely requesting to no avail for her to help me out round house and stuff and for once I didn't back down, as whenever we had moments in the past I would always make the "peace" move whether it had been me at fault or not. She eventually backed down to me and we became friends again but something had changed. I told her a short time afterwards I had felt some insecurity about her as well as being pissed off with her for her laziness and that I was really sorry for that but wanted to be completely honest with her and she....well understandably she was a bit distant for a while. I tried to stay in touch with her (as she moved away) but when I wrote I got back next to nothing. I wrote one day saying I was really sorry about the insecurity thing and had tried to explain that to her. I said I felt really embarrased by this and ashamed of this and had apologized but yet in our friendship I had never felt that she had ever been sorry, ever even when she had hurt my feelings. I wasn't having a go at her I was just saying that we all make mistakes and we all need to say sorry sometimes, but that like she never did - period. Well, basically she wrote back to me to tell me to f*** off. I have tried twice since to drop her a line but she doesn't want to know. I really miss her, especially now cause we used to be able to talk so much. I have thought about how I would have reacted to her and I can honestly say that I wouldn't have held her honesty against her and I would have forgiven her. I told my ex boy that although I had been v pissed off I had also started to feel insecure about this friend...I got to say many a woman has cause she was probably the most attractive, intelligent, travelled, and interesting person I ever met. Anyway I told my ex and he was like, that's ok, things die in the light of exposure, it's only when we keep them in the dark they grow. That was around the same time as he started to talk about drinking again.

Well, when he started drinking again and taking drugs again he started to say a lot of stuff that previously wouldn't have come out of his mouth and this just awoke in me some elevated state of insecurity as the thoughts of his past now went round my head constantly and the things he was saying and doing made me feel like it wouldn't be long before he was indulging in all the activities that went with them. I became so paranoid. I think a lot of my guilt stems not only from feeling I have abandoned him and can't be there for him but also for my unhealthy actions in the relationship. I constantly mistrusted him. It's true he kept lying about the drugs and I could see he was starting to lie to others so then I just started to think he was lying about everything. Now I am worried about his health as I think he is back deep in the grip of addiction but in the very beginning I was probably more concerned about him being faithful to me....God, that is shocking isn't it? (Please don't hold it against me!) I don't know but when he was sober we had this tranquil little life, it was simple but it was happy. I don't know why I am even saying all this stuff.

So, what am i trying to get at? I am thinking that if I had no part to play in this chaos then it would not have hurt so much to walk away because my conscious would have been clean and as much as it hurt and I worried I would have been able to see it for what it was and simply leave. I feel like it is about more than him and his addiction, I had an addiction too, I probably still have and I have issues too. If I had not had this relationship and all its pain I don't think I would ever have looked so deeply within myself. The awful part for me about breaking up with someone in addiction was that due to losing him I couldn't really discuss the issues/argue about the issues with him..usual break up stuff.

I started off having all the sympathy (and still have probably) for being the one who got rejected in favour of drugs but having all of that silence which you don't get in a traditional break-up gave me much time to see all things and all parts of this mess for what they were. I don't know if this makes sense to anyone else or whether this is just in regard to my circumstance.

You know what too? But did you find reverberations in other relationships after your split? A mutual friend a couple of weeks got really, really upset with me, like properly mad. He said some stuff which really hurt. We were working on something together but his comments didn't feel professional just hurtful. A few months ago his comments would probably have triggered me to get mad back at him but I simply asked him to stop and didn't bite back one bit. It really came from the blue and we haven't spoken about it since as we are not due to see each other again for a short while but it really affected me for about 3-4 days. Sounds ridiculous but it triggered off this kind of self-loathing in me. Is it normal to feel so sensitive?


Today I have written so f****** much I can't believe it .......but it has felt really healing. You see if I had written to him earlier I would not have done this but instead looked only to him and concentrated on him and therefore forgotten about the real work to be done.

I have heard about the steps and am really interested in doing them. I would never have said all this before to anyone, feeling fearful or ashamed of being a not perfect, not nice human being but it does feel liberating to get it out. Do you think if I went to the meetings I could get a sponsor and do this?]I still aspire to be like he was you know because he was so very inspiring to be around. I don't think I will ever forget any of the things he told me or taught me and most of it came from the 12 step programme.

Girls, can any of you relate to any of this? I hope you don't mind this as long as it is but by writing it I just feel like I got rid of a big, fat weight. I still think there are many to go and I probably won't release them here but I will keep letting them go. That is the one thing that he told me that stays with me about things dying in the light of exposure and growing in the dark.

I am becoming more and more grateful for this experience as I work my way out of it. On the let me fall poem it says however soiled our past may be our future is spotless and I try and tell myself that when I get my pangs of guilt for not having handled it as best I could/been truly there for him and myself.

I don't know what stage I am in now but I know I am getting better.

I'd love for some of you to share and really share tonight with me. To feel free to just vomit whatever it is that you feel you can't/shouldn't/are too ashamed to so you can feel as free as I do right now.

Have the king of sleeps tonight, I know I am going to. I am so glad this is anonymous lol

xxxx

...or does it even matter because it is so out of line either way? One more holiday memory down the drain. My 4 year old lost his spiderman mask somewhere in our house. So last night AH starts in on him that if he doesn't find the mask he can't go trick-or-treating. He starts crying that he doesn't want to find it. AH then says he must have lost it on purpose because he didn't want to wear it and tells him he better go get it wherever he put it. :wtf2 Me (being the codependent I am) start to help looking and AH yells....."Don't help him. He knows exactly where it is because he hid it on purpose." By this time 4 year old is sobbing and I'm furious. This went on for about 20 minutes, which may as well be 20 hours to a child.

Long story short, I told him he could just wear his spiderman baseball hat. I told AH that if he didn't find his happy face he couldn't join us. We all went, and AH goes on as if nothing occured, while I'm left in the wake with all these emotions. This morning he got up early to take everyone out to breakfast. 16 year old and I opted out.......we aren't morning people anyway.

This poem was written in 1989 by my abf. He was living in a hostel, broke and drinking with his down and out pals. Reading it, you could get the impression it meant he really wanted to quit and was desperate enough to do anything to succeed.

Looking for an Answer

I never used to worry about today,
But now those todays seem so far away.
I wish I had now, what I had then,
But I keep repeating mistakes again and again.

I always thought I had the answer,
But rushing through life has been a disaster.
As time goes on by I am starting to ask
"Is it God really taking me to task?"

I know there's an answer, some people do care.
But to keep on hurting, is that really fair?
I try to do what is good and sound
But then all my castles tumble down.

I put on a brave face for the pain deep inside,
The mask rolls away, there is no place to hide.
I think I am at the crossroads of life.
Which way do I turn, is it to left or right?

I know there's an answer
Which one do I choose?
Where is it God?
Is it You or the booze?

Well, it's 19 years later, and he hasn't heard an answer yet it seems.
I have heard at least 50, "I have to quit this crap, it is killing me", and " am sick of feeling like s**t, having no money and making a fool of myself", etc at various times over 18 years.

He is on day 17 sober, THIS TIME, after the mother of all withdrawals and very little help thru it from me. Whether it lasts is up to him as I have moved myself away mentally and am taking care of ME at long last. I have made a few boundaries and am determined to keep to them. The first was that if he was ill thru withdrawal I would NOT be his nurse and carer anymore. I would be there to call medical help if needed.

When it happened 19 days ago, I told him the score and kept my word, tho it was extremely hard to see him go thru 2 days and nights of hell. Nor did help clean up his messy, stinking, bottle strewn flat as I have in the past.

Coming here has been the catalyst for change in my life, as after reading the post of so many who have taken back control of their lives from their alcoholic partners and found a life again, I feel pushed to do it for me.

I am so lucky, as I have no dependent children to worry about and don't rely on my abf for a home or finance, only having myself to consider.

People on here are amazing, strong, down to earth and willing to give help, support and encouragement to anyone who needs it. What great inspiration you all are to me and so many others.

My sincere thanks and deep gratitude to you all.

:c014::c011:

I asked my abf if I could post this and he was surprised that I would want to.
It was penned many years ago when he was down and nearly out. Hope it will someone know that they are not the only sufferers who seek answers.

Looking for an Answer

I never used to worry about today,
But now those todays seem so far away.
I wish I had now, what I had then,
But I keep repeating mistakes again and again.

I always thought I had the answer,
But rushing through life has been a disaster.
As time goes on by I am starting to ask
"Is it God really taking me to task?"

I know there's an answer, some people do care.
But to keep on hurting, is that really fair?
I try to do what is good and sound
But then all my castles tumble down.

I put on a brave face for the pain deep inside,
The mask rolls away, there is no place to hide.
I think I am at the crossroads of life.
Which way do I turn, is it to left or right?

I know there's an answer
Which one do I choose?
Where is it God?
Is it You or the booze?

I'm okay, but I was hit with a gun and have 6 staples in my head.

Three guys, halloween masks and guns came in and I was the only one up front (about 5:15 a.m.) I was in shock and it took a few seconds to realize what was going on. Hard to understand the one guy because of the stupid mask, but laid down. He had the gun literally on the back of my head.

He started yelling what I thought was "call" and I didn't know who he wanted me to call, so he hit me. He wanted me to crawl. When I did, I realized my head was bleeding pretty bad. The other 2 had gone to the office. I had to crawl over to the other side of the restaurant and he wanted me to open the registers. Told him I didn't have the code (I lied) and the other's started yelling about the registers. They ran out, got to the front door, and I ran to the register to hit the silent alarm.

Went to check on D (my supervisor) and he had his arm over his eyes, a little bit of blood on the floor. I thought he was crying and hurt, called 911. He had been pepper sprayed.

While I had 911 on the phone, was also using my cell phone to call my store manager...went to voice mail. Called HIS boss...went to voice mail. Called my best friend's store, which is 4 miles down the road (and was robbed 2 weeks ago) and told my friend to find me a f'ing manager.

Cops and ambulance came. The one guy had gone through my pants pocket, took my car keys and $14 I had in their. He didn't get my $41 in tips that was in my apron.

I was at the ER forever. CT scan done, everything fine. Had a cop babysit me until the detective came, then he came back later to take me back to the store. He said I was the most hilarious victim he'd ever met and he loved my attitude.

Apparently the robbers still have my keys and I had the spare on the same ring. Had to pay $165 to get into my car and get a new key, and have now maxed out all my credit cards. My mgr is going to try to get the company to pay me back for the key.

Had a long talk with my mgr. We are now shutting down the dining room at 2 a.m., except Fri. and Sat. when we will shut it down at 3. I have been trying to find a way to cut back my hours, and still keep my insurance so I can do more work for dad, so this may work out. I will be going to 2nd shift, and I reminded him that I had more seniority than anyone else there. He promised me he would do whatever possible to let me get hours.

I'm not going in tonight. I'm okay physically, but I just want to cry. Really frustrated and broker than ever.

I'll be okay, but I think I deserve a good cry.

Sorry this was so long.

Hugs and prayers!

Amy

I wake up sober, yet sore and achy many days. Previously the alcohol would mask the pains but in a newer sober world there is nothing to mute the fact that I am getting older and my body does not recover like it used to.

This too shall pass with time. Establishing an exercise routine will likely help matters as well as increase my energy levels. Alcohol has largely kept me prisoner of a sedentary lifestyle diametrically opposite of my previous athletic, in-shape youth.