Archive for the ‘Mate’ tag
No intimate relationships = No Contact at all
Hi Everyone.
I tried posting in the "Relationship: forum but didnt get much of a response, so now I am trying here
She: 28 years old, Diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD, Childhood sexual abuse, alcoholic drug addict, approximately 8 months sober today.
Me: 36 years old, no drugs, not an alcoholic, very successful
My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years. Over the course of those two years she has moved out 4 times. Three of those times she was active in her addiction (alcohol/meth). This most recent move out occured at around her 7 month sobriety date. Each of her "move outs" seemed final to me as they included removing everything from the house and filing a forwarding address immediately. Usually within 2 weeks she would come around because she forgot some trivial item. And when she did come around it would lead to sex and then she was moving back in within 5 days.
So this most recent "move out" happened about 6 weeks ago so this is the longest she has ever stayed away. It is also coincidentally the longest she has ever stayed sober (7-8 months). The first 2 weeks she called several times about some trivial items. I never called her. In one brief dicussion I asked her if she was seeing someone. She responded saying "no, my sponsor says no relationships". At around the three week mark she called me and asked if I was available to meet to have a "talk". I agreed, we met and she really just talked about her current problems with her "new life". She cried a lot and said she didnt have a job, couldnt pay for rent, was behind on her phone bill and further stated that its really hard when you lose your mate (me). She then said she was determined though to try to make it on her own. She wants to build self esteem and not be dependent on someone. Before she left she asked for a hug and said there are other things she would like to do with me (physical intimacy) but cant because she has an addiction problem. She also told me that she loves me. She then said I will call you when she left. Not the casual "hey Ill call you sometime" but more the sincere and heartfelt "Ill call you soon". That was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard one word since.
She has a strong program and a strong home group. She finally has a sponsor that she likes and respects. Her sponsor says "no reltionships". This "no relationship" thing came up after my girlfriend moved out so its not like the sponsor told her to terminate the relationship.
I never call her or pursue her as I do not want to disrupt what I interpret to be her space. I figure she will let me know when the time is right.
I really miss her but I am wondering should I be letting go?
Does this idea of "no intimate relationships in the first year" apply to existing relationships or only brand new relationships?
If in fact "no intimate realtionships in first year" applies does that mean no contact at all with someone that you have been or could be intimate with? I mean is it a complete cutoff all together?
I tried posting in the "Relationship: forum but didnt get much of a response, so now I am trying here
She: 28 years old, Diagnosed Bipolar, PTSD, Childhood sexual abuse, alcoholic drug addict, approximately 8 months sober today.
Me: 36 years old, no drugs, not an alcoholic, very successful
My girlfriend and I have been living together for two years. Over the course of those two years she has moved out 4 times. Three of those times she was active in her addiction (alcohol/meth). This most recent move out occured at around her 7 month sobriety date. Each of her "move outs" seemed final to me as they included removing everything from the house and filing a forwarding address immediately. Usually within 2 weeks she would come around because she forgot some trivial item. And when she did come around it would lead to sex and then she was moving back in within 5 days.
So this most recent "move out" happened about 6 weeks ago so this is the longest she has ever stayed away. It is also coincidentally the longest she has ever stayed sober (7-8 months). The first 2 weeks she called several times about some trivial items. I never called her. In one brief dicussion I asked her if she was seeing someone. She responded saying "no, my sponsor says no relationships". At around the three week mark she called me and asked if I was available to meet to have a "talk". I agreed, we met and she really just talked about her current problems with her "new life". She cried a lot and said she didnt have a job, couldnt pay for rent, was behind on her phone bill and further stated that its really hard when you lose your mate (me). She then said she was determined though to try to make it on her own. She wants to build self esteem and not be dependent on someone. Before she left she asked for a hug and said there are other things she would like to do with me (physical intimacy) but cant because she has an addiction problem. She also told me that she loves me. She then said I will call you when she left. Not the casual "hey Ill call you sometime" but more the sincere and heartfelt "Ill call you soon". That was 4 weeks ago and I have not heard one word since.
She has a strong program and a strong home group. She finally has a sponsor that she likes and respects. Her sponsor says "no reltionships". This "no relationship" thing came up after my girlfriend moved out so its not like the sponsor told her to terminate the relationship.
I never call her or pursue her as I do not want to disrupt what I interpret to be her space. I figure she will let me know when the time is right.
I really miss her but I am wondering should I be letting go?
Does this idea of "no intimate relationships in the first year" apply to existing relationships or only brand new relationships?
If in fact "no intimate realtionships in first year" applies does that mean no contact at all with someone that you have been or could be intimate with? I mean is it a complete cutoff all together?
Day 20
Day 20 was a pretty indifferent day ... i didnt really get the urge to drink but i felt like i needed to be in that environment again, but by better judgement i declined the invitations to go to oktoberfest with my mates.I dont think im really ready to put myself in situations like that just yet , it could be a test after i reach my 28 day goal. Thanx to all the ppl that gave me support in my last post it was a really ruff day n u guys really helped pull me thru. Im kind of anxious about next week in sittin down with my mum n sister to talk bout the full extent of my problem.. theyve always thought i had a problem with alcohol but they dont even know the half of it. My mate has asked me to join him in goin to church but im not a very religous person( no offence to those that r ) i see that hes tryin to help me fill the void with some spirituality but im not too sure. thanx guys once again for your support and if theres anyway i can help any of u pls dont hesitate to contact or even add me as a friend .... after all even tho were fighting our own battles but were all fighting the same war
peace out >
Robbie
peace out >
Robbie
Character issues
I've been stepping back, looking at my relationship with the AH, really evaluating whether or not to follow through with filing. What I'm seeing is character issues completely unrelated to drinking. For instance, I have provided family health insurance throughout our 21 year marriage. I recently switched jobs and the cost was unaffordable, so I asked him to pick up the kids on his. He added himself, but not the kids, as he felt $92 a paycheck was too much (which is less than I've paid for years). When I discovered they were not added and now is too late to add them to either of our policies he said "not my problem".
Fast forward to yesterday when we get a call from school that our son likely broke his arm (just a sprain thank goodness), and he denies ever saying he wouldn't pay for coverage and acts all concerned. I believe sailorjohn mentioned the term "gaslighting".....these are the things that make me think I'm losing it.
A good friend talked to me for a long time last night about the need for a mate that is connected to their heart and is able to nurture and provide safety. It is nearly impossible for me to have the energy required to mother/nurture four kiddos when I am being emotionally drained on a daily basis. As crazy as it sounds I think I may be better able to provide for them on my own. Anyway, thanks for listening to what probably seems like a ramble.
Fast forward to yesterday when we get a call from school that our son likely broke his arm (just a sprain thank goodness), and he denies ever saying he wouldn't pay for coverage and acts all concerned. I believe sailorjohn mentioned the term "gaslighting".....these are the things that make me think I'm losing it.
A good friend talked to me for a long time last night about the need for a mate that is connected to their heart and is able to nurture and provide safety. It is nearly impossible for me to have the energy required to mother/nurture four kiddos when I am being emotionally drained on a daily basis. As crazy as it sounds I think I may be better able to provide for them on my own. Anyway, thanks for listening to what probably seems like a ramble.
‘Having been to a meeting for the first time.
I went to my first NA meeting the night before last.
I introduced myself and then shut up, but to be acknowledged by people, and people who I don’t have to lie to or hide who I am from lifted the usual weight I feel from me, but replaced it with another weight: Realisation of what I am and –worse- the reasons why.
After the meeting two of the women arranged to meet me to go to a womenÂ’s group which was on last night. I set off to catch the train, but I was running late and just generally pranging about the entire thing and then I saw a mate who kept on at me to come to the pub. I wanted to go to the meeting, but I went to the pub and drank myself in to oblivion.
My mates who use donÂ’t want to really hear about my plight to stay clean and my sober mates donÂ’t understand, or want to hear me talk about gear.
I hate not being able to speak to my mates because it makes me so damn lonely, yet when I find somewhere where people do understand it is suddenly too much and I canÂ’t speak, and IÂ’m frantically searching for the nearest exit.
I donÂ’t know whether to go to the next meeting or not. Anyone else felt anything like this? HowÂ’d you guys handle it?
I introduced myself and then shut up, but to be acknowledged by people, and people who I don’t have to lie to or hide who I am from lifted the usual weight I feel from me, but replaced it with another weight: Realisation of what I am and –worse- the reasons why.
After the meeting two of the women arranged to meet me to go to a womenÂ’s group which was on last night. I set off to catch the train, but I was running late and just generally pranging about the entire thing and then I saw a mate who kept on at me to come to the pub. I wanted to go to the meeting, but I went to the pub and drank myself in to oblivion.
My mates who use donÂ’t want to really hear about my plight to stay clean and my sober mates donÂ’t understand, or want to hear me talk about gear.
I hate not being able to speak to my mates because it makes me so damn lonely, yet when I find somewhere where people do understand it is suddenly too much and I canÂ’t speak, and IÂ’m frantically searching for the nearest exit.
I donÂ’t know whether to go to the next meeting or not. Anyone else felt anything like this? HowÂ’d you guys handle it?
And just when we think we are being spiritual
Okay, for whatever reason in my mind is this rather funny story I heard at a meeting once. It reminds me while we may be sincere in our efforts to live a spiritual life, we really gotta get a sense of humor.
This guy and his mate go to an AA convention in a certain part of Australia and part of the convention (maybe the end ceremony or beginning) involves Aboriginal children doing a dance. The kids also explain how the dance was about driving out evil spirits (as in the drinking spirits) in their families. Like most indigenous people, Aborigines have a very high rate of alcoholism.
So these kids perform this beautiful dance which nearly brings this guy to tears. In fact he is so moved that when the dance finishes he goes up to one of them and tells him how moved he is by what they’ve just done. But the kid doesn’t reply so thinking the kid must be just shy, and because he’s still feeling so overwhelmed and humbled, he asks the kid if he can hug him. And the kid looks him right in the eye, and without missing a beat says, “F**k off *****.”
:lmao
Does anyone know any others????
This guy and his mate go to an AA convention in a certain part of Australia and part of the convention (maybe the end ceremony or beginning) involves Aboriginal children doing a dance. The kids also explain how the dance was about driving out evil spirits (as in the drinking spirits) in their families. Like most indigenous people, Aborigines have a very high rate of alcoholism.
So these kids perform this beautiful dance which nearly brings this guy to tears. In fact he is so moved that when the dance finishes he goes up to one of them and tells him how moved he is by what they’ve just done. But the kid doesn’t reply so thinking the kid must be just shy, and because he’s still feeling so overwhelmed and humbled, he asks the kid if he can hug him. And the kid looks him right in the eye, and without missing a beat says, “F**k off *****.”
:lmao
Does anyone know any others????
I need support!! I quit using but mate hasn’t! HELP!
I am new in recovery in every aspect. I decided to get sober(in a drug court. Didn't have a choice at first. Got put into a jail program and it opened my eyes!!) And the beginning was easy. Only one problem, really, my boyfriend whom I live with and who supports me, decided to stay using. I am having a very hard time. I have relapsed twice due to eeping myself in this situation. I tried saying me or the dope, at first he just lied. Then i realized he wasn't gonna quit. So i tried just ignoring it. I tried so hard. But he gets what he wants reguardless so he'd push me into arguing so i would just leave, he'd be popular for a moment, then he wanted me back. So I went back, Tons of promises, continued sneaking around, lying more, hanging with same losers, it just sucks. But I can't seem to leave him behind. We have been together for almost 2 years. We met about 2 yrs ago through a friend and his wife of 27yrs had just died. He was so lost. I fell right into it. He owns his own company and i used 2 work 4 him. I have no car or home, he has 2 homes and 3 cars. I fell in love with the idea he really loved me back. anyways, i am tired. I know what I need to do. Just need to hear it, maybe make some friends,too, if i'm lucky.
