Archive for the ‘Mental Health’ tag
Whoops
Had a bad few days. First, on a withdrawal from GHB I had to go and meet my progress tutor at university, who had promised to help me sort out a mental health liason person at the uni. However, when I arrived I found he'd booked me less than a 5-minute slot, with another girl who had a progress evaluation, and some girls in their final year who were having meetings for their dissertations. Cue me being extremely miffed! Then he didn't show up until over half an hour after the appointment time, and tried to walk straight into his office and lock the door. The other girls were all joking about how he is always this unreliable, so I just blabbed all my problems there and then, because I had to run and get the train, and asked if he could sort something out.
I was trying to maintain my calm (I'm a very aggressive person at the best of times, and this really was not the best of times) but by the time I got outside I just couldn't handle it... I punched a wall, and now my fist is all bruised and swollen and cut up. Nevertheless, better a wall than a person, I figure. I tried to call through to front desk to make a complaint - I knew he knew the time of the appointment because I'd had a lecture with him less than 3 hours before hand (and I'd had to hang around on my own until the appointment) where we had confirmed both time and location. When I got through to student services, I was told that I could not make a complaint against the tutor in question on a Wednesday, because the person I need to complain to is only in Mondays and Fridays.
So, I waddled off the train station, and tried to call the lecturer who had missed the appointment... I said who I was, that I had an appointment with him but he missed it, and what did I need to do to sort out a mental health liason? The reply was that, did I really need to be coming to university if I was going to talk to him like that. :c004: That was officially it... I punched again, this time a metal lamp-post... needless to say my knuckles are looking significantly worse for wear.
What bugs me most is I KNOW he used to be a drug-head before he turned his life around and became a teacher... and the subject he teaches is about Drug Abuse! :wtf2
I had planned for Wednesday to officially be my sober start date, but that did not happen. I went home, got really high... I don't even remember the rest of that night, but I found some writing I did and it's horrific. I mean, some of the most graphic and violent, disturbing stuff I have ever written, about torture and murder.
When I woke up the next day, I wasn't feeling any better, and at some point over the course of the day, now convinced that I would not be allowed back to university, I took a sh*tload of GHB, then blacked out in the shower. I literally collapsed in the foetal position, and my mother found me an hour later, covered in vomit, and having flooded the entire bathroom because I was unconcious over the plug/drain thing - water was leaking through the floor and into the kitchen. Furthermore, my mother hasn't seen me naked since I was a very young child, and I'm still kind of wigging over that fact.
Once I'd showered again I made the mistake of calling up an ex who has kind of become a booty call in times of need, since I don't have any actual, factual friends. That was fine, until after we'd... ahem... 'finished', and, while still in bed with me, he got a call from another girl, whom he chatted with for like a half an hour. I know I can't get jealous, because we're not in a relationship, but it was still a bit of a kick in the you-know-where, especially since only a few days earlier he had been claiming to still be in love with me.
I called my university again after he had left, and arranged an appointment myself to speak with a mental health liason officer directly, explaining that it was an emergency and I'd tried to book through my progress tutor, but it hadn't worked out. I got an appointment for today at 3, and was quite chuffed, hoping to finally get some help.
Then I was woken up by a call from student services and told that she had called in sick, and I would have to wait until next week and try again for an appointment.
WHOSE LUCK CAN POSSIBLY BE THIS BAD?
:(
(To try to find a happy, however, I did stumble across a website called 43things.com, and it's well worth checking out. You can make a list of all your goals and things you want to do, and keep track of them online, blog about them etc)
Sorry for the long, rambling, self-involved post. Just going a little crazy here!
I was trying to maintain my calm (I'm a very aggressive person at the best of times, and this really was not the best of times) but by the time I got outside I just couldn't handle it... I punched a wall, and now my fist is all bruised and swollen and cut up. Nevertheless, better a wall than a person, I figure. I tried to call through to front desk to make a complaint - I knew he knew the time of the appointment because I'd had a lecture with him less than 3 hours before hand (and I'd had to hang around on my own until the appointment) where we had confirmed both time and location. When I got through to student services, I was told that I could not make a complaint against the tutor in question on a Wednesday, because the person I need to complain to is only in Mondays and Fridays.
So, I waddled off the train station, and tried to call the lecturer who had missed the appointment... I said who I was, that I had an appointment with him but he missed it, and what did I need to do to sort out a mental health liason? The reply was that, did I really need to be coming to university if I was going to talk to him like that. :c004: That was officially it... I punched again, this time a metal lamp-post... needless to say my knuckles are looking significantly worse for wear.
What bugs me most is I KNOW he used to be a drug-head before he turned his life around and became a teacher... and the subject he teaches is about Drug Abuse! :wtf2
I had planned for Wednesday to officially be my sober start date, but that did not happen. I went home, got really high... I don't even remember the rest of that night, but I found some writing I did and it's horrific. I mean, some of the most graphic and violent, disturbing stuff I have ever written, about torture and murder.
When I woke up the next day, I wasn't feeling any better, and at some point over the course of the day, now convinced that I would not be allowed back to university, I took a sh*tload of GHB, then blacked out in the shower. I literally collapsed in the foetal position, and my mother found me an hour later, covered in vomit, and having flooded the entire bathroom because I was unconcious over the plug/drain thing - water was leaking through the floor and into the kitchen. Furthermore, my mother hasn't seen me naked since I was a very young child, and I'm still kind of wigging over that fact.
Once I'd showered again I made the mistake of calling up an ex who has kind of become a booty call in times of need, since I don't have any actual, factual friends. That was fine, until after we'd... ahem... 'finished', and, while still in bed with me, he got a call from another girl, whom he chatted with for like a half an hour. I know I can't get jealous, because we're not in a relationship, but it was still a bit of a kick in the you-know-where, especially since only a few days earlier he had been claiming to still be in love with me.
I called my university again after he had left, and arranged an appointment myself to speak with a mental health liason officer directly, explaining that it was an emergency and I'd tried to book through my progress tutor, but it hadn't worked out. I got an appointment for today at 3, and was quite chuffed, hoping to finally get some help.
Then I was woken up by a call from student services and told that she had called in sick, and I would have to wait until next week and try again for an appointment.
WHOSE LUCK CAN POSSIBLY BE THIS BAD?
:(
(To try to find a happy, however, I did stumble across a website called 43things.com, and it's well worth checking out. You can make a list of all your goals and things you want to do, and keep track of them online, blog about them etc)
Sorry for the long, rambling, self-involved post. Just going a little crazy here!
Laurie6781
it's a long story...aren't they all :)
Monday, one month ago on the way to the VA hospital to find out the biopsy reports on my husband we were in a serious car accident. It is a freak accident that I am alive. Had it not pushed the entire dash in, I would have been killed.....however because the dash was pushed in the air bag hit me so hard in the chest it folded me over and I crumpled down.
The back seat was full and stacked with some very heavy dish and glassware that we had planned to drop off at the storage unit on our way home. All this went flying over my head and the entire passenger side front glass was shattered as was some very heavy glassware.
H refused treatment, at first I thought he had a concussion but then his behaviors became bizarre and several nurse friends here told me that they were symptoms of head trauma. He had tucked the part of the seat belt that goes over you chest under his arm and his head also hit the windshield hard enough to break it.
He came home one day very tired and in a very bad mood. He hit me. I don't know whether he really can remember it or not, but he was going into a rage.
Well, that was my one unbreakable agreement...if you hit me, I call the police...which I did. At the same time, I filled out paperwork for the judge so he would be released to the hospital for treatment.
The DR was unqualified.
I had also asked the State Attorney's office, believing he was unwell, for the deferrment program where he would have to attend anger management as well as mental health maybe and then if he did not get into trouble for a year it is dropped.
The day after my husband was released, he called saying he was just released and was leaving me and leaving town.
I remembered what he did last year and pretty well cleaned out the bank account. I knew how much I left in there for him.
I later learned that he had been released the day before and stayed at the motel nearest the bank....I just beat him to it.
Besides, he had been threatening suicide and I did not intend to leave enough in there for him to be able to purchase a hand gun.
When he phoned, I still offered to come pick him up, bring him here so he could get his medications and clothes. He refused. I told him I had money for him and we made an arrangement for a third party drop. I took $400.....then I learned about many lies and went back and took the money back and made sure I had a witness. I knew where he was going and would want for nothing, it would be like a vacation.....but I was in a bind.
Of course, he and his sister believe it was all a set-up on my part. That's nuts. She tried to finance the divorce last year...has always hated me and I don't care for her either. With reason.
I did not go to the arraignment, but the State Attorney came out guns loaded and asking for a variety of stiff penalties.
Probably the usual dance to get a plea agreement.
He insists on a trial and is super enraged at me now,....I had nothing to do with what happened in that courtroom, but I suspect he had an attitude.
He phoned me and asked if the call was being recorded and I told him no, that I had offers to borrow a recorder but declined, he then went off on such a rage that it violated his pre-trial agreement.
I emailed him that calls like that would have him in jail until trial.
What a mess he left for me!
Besides putting the rental back blue, frilly and clean....I had just carried the contents of his truck...longbed with a topper into the guest room, which turned it into one of those proverbial closets that you don't dare open.
I paid several bills, Monday the truck will get a new radiator and that is $312.
Then I have to have a stabilizer bar put on the travel trailer and brake lights.
As I plan to and must leave. Before Dec 1.
What I have left to do seems impossible.
Now, the SIL is trying to take control and provoke me. I cut that off.
But, dangit...all I am hearing from him is I want, I want.
I told him he could come get the heirlooms out of the travel trailer and he was okay with that unil I asked him if he was going to put the heater back where he had taken it out and then he refused.
But now I am being harassed about the heirlooms.
Tuesday is the anniversary of my son's death.
And don't even get me started on Thanksgiving! The suicide was on Thanksgiving that year.
He told the landlords he would come clear up and get his stuff and clean up...but that only sounds good on paper, as our things are all mixed together and I must sort them.
We had agreed to communicate through email...and I had sent him some helpful information to him and nothing in anger etc.
Now his sister says he has been advised to have no contact with me.
I wrote him and told him there was no NO Contact order and he knew that if there was it is not allowed to convey messages through third parties.
SIL is trying to provoke me about heirlooms, I finally emailed her that Danny and I had all ready reached agreements about that and maybe since he broke his promises, he thought I would but that is not true.
I then told her our conversations were finished.
Mainly I don't know how I am going to get this rental ready to show in the time I have left. And I have been depressed the last 3 days, but that is to be expected this time of year and add all the EXTRA.
I have been trying to sell some things but no luck so far. I am going to need additional monies.
But I have somewhere far away to go where I have prepaid rent and utilities with my best friend. But I will need to buy her a bus ticket and send her enough money for meals etc....because I can barely drive that big truck and have never towed anything before in my life.
And we can't afford for anything to go wrong on this one way trip.
Monday, one month ago on the way to the VA hospital to find out the biopsy reports on my husband we were in a serious car accident. It is a freak accident that I am alive. Had it not pushed the entire dash in, I would have been killed.....however because the dash was pushed in the air bag hit me so hard in the chest it folded me over and I crumpled down.
The back seat was full and stacked with some very heavy dish and glassware that we had planned to drop off at the storage unit on our way home. All this went flying over my head and the entire passenger side front glass was shattered as was some very heavy glassware.
H refused treatment, at first I thought he had a concussion but then his behaviors became bizarre and several nurse friends here told me that they were symptoms of head trauma. He had tucked the part of the seat belt that goes over you chest under his arm and his head also hit the windshield hard enough to break it.
He came home one day very tired and in a very bad mood. He hit me. I don't know whether he really can remember it or not, but he was going into a rage.
Well, that was my one unbreakable agreement...if you hit me, I call the police...which I did. At the same time, I filled out paperwork for the judge so he would be released to the hospital for treatment.
The DR was unqualified.
I had also asked the State Attorney's office, believing he was unwell, for the deferrment program where he would have to attend anger management as well as mental health maybe and then if he did not get into trouble for a year it is dropped.
The day after my husband was released, he called saying he was just released and was leaving me and leaving town.
I remembered what he did last year and pretty well cleaned out the bank account. I knew how much I left in there for him.
I later learned that he had been released the day before and stayed at the motel nearest the bank....I just beat him to it.
Besides, he had been threatening suicide and I did not intend to leave enough in there for him to be able to purchase a hand gun.
When he phoned, I still offered to come pick him up, bring him here so he could get his medications and clothes. He refused. I told him I had money for him and we made an arrangement for a third party drop. I took $400.....then I learned about many lies and went back and took the money back and made sure I had a witness. I knew where he was going and would want for nothing, it would be like a vacation.....but I was in a bind.
Of course, he and his sister believe it was all a set-up on my part. That's nuts. She tried to finance the divorce last year...has always hated me and I don't care for her either. With reason.
I did not go to the arraignment, but the State Attorney came out guns loaded and asking for a variety of stiff penalties.
Probably the usual dance to get a plea agreement.
He insists on a trial and is super enraged at me now,....I had nothing to do with what happened in that courtroom, but I suspect he had an attitude.
He phoned me and asked if the call was being recorded and I told him no, that I had offers to borrow a recorder but declined, he then went off on such a rage that it violated his pre-trial agreement.
I emailed him that calls like that would have him in jail until trial.
What a mess he left for me!
Besides putting the rental back blue, frilly and clean....I had just carried the contents of his truck...longbed with a topper into the guest room, which turned it into one of those proverbial closets that you don't dare open.
I paid several bills, Monday the truck will get a new radiator and that is $312.
Then I have to have a stabilizer bar put on the travel trailer and brake lights.
As I plan to and must leave. Before Dec 1.
What I have left to do seems impossible.
Now, the SIL is trying to take control and provoke me. I cut that off.
But, dangit...all I am hearing from him is I want, I want.
I told him he could come get the heirlooms out of the travel trailer and he was okay with that unil I asked him if he was going to put the heater back where he had taken it out and then he refused.
But now I am being harassed about the heirlooms.
Tuesday is the anniversary of my son's death.
And don't even get me started on Thanksgiving! The suicide was on Thanksgiving that year.
He told the landlords he would come clear up and get his stuff and clean up...but that only sounds good on paper, as our things are all mixed together and I must sort them.
We had agreed to communicate through email...and I had sent him some helpful information to him and nothing in anger etc.
Now his sister says he has been advised to have no contact with me.
I wrote him and told him there was no NO Contact order and he knew that if there was it is not allowed to convey messages through third parties.
SIL is trying to provoke me about heirlooms, I finally emailed her that Danny and I had all ready reached agreements about that and maybe since he broke his promises, he thought I would but that is not true.
I then told her our conversations were finished.
Mainly I don't know how I am going to get this rental ready to show in the time I have left. And I have been depressed the last 3 days, but that is to be expected this time of year and add all the EXTRA.
I have been trying to sell some things but no luck so far. I am going to need additional monies.
But I have somewhere far away to go where I have prepaid rent and utilities with my best friend. But I will need to buy her a bus ticket and send her enough money for meals etc....because I can barely drive that big truck and have never towed anything before in my life.
And we can't afford for anything to go wrong on this one way trip.
Hey there
Hey :)
I'm new to the forums, and I suppose technically not really in recovery yet, so here to try to get the strength to quit.
I have been smoking around a quater of an ounce of marijuana daily (often more) for a little over three years, and have also been using rediculous amounts of GHB on and off for the past two years. At one point I got to round-the-clock dosing, and had a week of DTs when I quit, yet I just can't seem to put the darn stuff down. I also put myself in a little coma-like-thing that lasted 3 days; I've blacked out and collapsed on countless occassions in classes at uni, on public transport, and in the middle of the house, as well as losing bank cards, my drivers licence and my iPod (rather a miracle that each and every one got returned to me by the people who found them!)
Needless to say, I didn't exactly afford any of this through honest means - I am a student and have no income whatsoever. Long story short, I've stolen huge amounts of drugs from my mother, as well as getting into debt and pulling various scams... not to mention flirting and doing some sexual things (though I've never had sex with someone for drugs) for pharmaceuticals. The problem is that this has all become tied in with taking drugs, and sometimes I find myself acquiring drugs even when I've decided not to take them... and then, seeing as how I put the effort in, can't stand to waste them.
I have experiences psychotic episodes since pre-puberty and although the GHB doesn't mess with my mental health too much, the marijuana (which I basically chain-smoke from AM to PM every day - I don't leave my bedroom let alone the house unless I absolutely have to) is really messing with me, and my docter is concerned that I may be developing full-blown schizophrenia. However, the local psych wards won't even meet with me until I'm clean.
When I can't get GHB or marijuana, I'll take anything else. I loved diphenhydramine, and went through a phase of taking 20 x 50mg sleeping pills a day, and codeine (extracted from painkillers) was a firm favourite for a few weeks. Any time I've ever tried to give up weed I've ended up drinking absolutely loads, and taking dirty drugs like coke, which reacts really, really badly with me. I can't help but binge - it's like every day is an attempt to take as much as humanly possible, and it's always been that way. The first time I ever tried weed I smoked 8 blunts in a row; the first time I tried ecstacy I dropped 20 pills in two days.
Giving up marijuana is deffinately proving rediculously hard, at least because the second I leave my bedroom I am surrounded by it (my whole family uses, as do all their friends), in university I'm taking two classes in drug policy, and it really is the only thing that keeps me sane. Literally as soon as I stop smoking I start seriously contemplating suicide, and I worry that it's not just a bit of a comedown, but could signal a return to how I felt before I started using drugs - I had a serious self-harm problem all through high-school, got into trouble for aggression, and attempted suicide several times through overdoses. When it gets like that, I can't tell which is worse, drugs and theft or feeling like not only I should die, but that I should take the rest of the world with me.
I'm currently still using daily. For months and months every night when I've gone to sleep I've prayed for God to change my heart; I've written lists of why I'm not going to use; made plans for the next day to keep me busy etc etc, but none of it works. I wake up; I immediately feel angry that I'm alive and having to go about 'living' all over again, and then before I know it I'm stealing and sparking up. And once I've done that, it seems pretty pointless resisting other drugs... so it begins again, another list for tomorrow, another set of plans I know I won't follow through on etc etc.
So now I've signed up on these boards, hoping that, in the same way going on various drug message boards and forums used to make me feel like using and give me new ways of doing so, this will make me feel like getting clean and maybe offer suggestions of how I can.
So I guess... I'll be seeing you around :)
I'm new to the forums, and I suppose technically not really in recovery yet, so here to try to get the strength to quit.
I have been smoking around a quater of an ounce of marijuana daily (often more) for a little over three years, and have also been using rediculous amounts of GHB on and off for the past two years. At one point I got to round-the-clock dosing, and had a week of DTs when I quit, yet I just can't seem to put the darn stuff down. I also put myself in a little coma-like-thing that lasted 3 days; I've blacked out and collapsed on countless occassions in classes at uni, on public transport, and in the middle of the house, as well as losing bank cards, my drivers licence and my iPod (rather a miracle that each and every one got returned to me by the people who found them!)
Needless to say, I didn't exactly afford any of this through honest means - I am a student and have no income whatsoever. Long story short, I've stolen huge amounts of drugs from my mother, as well as getting into debt and pulling various scams... not to mention flirting and doing some sexual things (though I've never had sex with someone for drugs) for pharmaceuticals. The problem is that this has all become tied in with taking drugs, and sometimes I find myself acquiring drugs even when I've decided not to take them... and then, seeing as how I put the effort in, can't stand to waste them.
I have experiences psychotic episodes since pre-puberty and although the GHB doesn't mess with my mental health too much, the marijuana (which I basically chain-smoke from AM to PM every day - I don't leave my bedroom let alone the house unless I absolutely have to) is really messing with me, and my docter is concerned that I may be developing full-blown schizophrenia. However, the local psych wards won't even meet with me until I'm clean.
When I can't get GHB or marijuana, I'll take anything else. I loved diphenhydramine, and went through a phase of taking 20 x 50mg sleeping pills a day, and codeine (extracted from painkillers) was a firm favourite for a few weeks. Any time I've ever tried to give up weed I've ended up drinking absolutely loads, and taking dirty drugs like coke, which reacts really, really badly with me. I can't help but binge - it's like every day is an attempt to take as much as humanly possible, and it's always been that way. The first time I ever tried weed I smoked 8 blunts in a row; the first time I tried ecstacy I dropped 20 pills in two days.
Giving up marijuana is deffinately proving rediculously hard, at least because the second I leave my bedroom I am surrounded by it (my whole family uses, as do all their friends), in university I'm taking two classes in drug policy, and it really is the only thing that keeps me sane. Literally as soon as I stop smoking I start seriously contemplating suicide, and I worry that it's not just a bit of a comedown, but could signal a return to how I felt before I started using drugs - I had a serious self-harm problem all through high-school, got into trouble for aggression, and attempted suicide several times through overdoses. When it gets like that, I can't tell which is worse, drugs and theft or feeling like not only I should die, but that I should take the rest of the world with me.
I'm currently still using daily. For months and months every night when I've gone to sleep I've prayed for God to change my heart; I've written lists of why I'm not going to use; made plans for the next day to keep me busy etc etc, but none of it works. I wake up; I immediately feel angry that I'm alive and having to go about 'living' all over again, and then before I know it I'm stealing and sparking up. And once I've done that, it seems pretty pointless resisting other drugs... so it begins again, another list for tomorrow, another set of plans I know I won't follow through on etc etc.
So now I've signed up on these boards, hoping that, in the same way going on various drug message boards and forums used to make me feel like using and give me new ways of doing so, this will make me feel like getting clean and maybe offer suggestions of how I can.
So I guess... I'll be seeing you around :)
Dual Diagnosis
Medication has changed my life. I want to say, emphatically: WATCH OUT FOR PEOPLE IN 12-STEP RECOVERY THAT SAY YOU SHOULDN'T TAKE MEDICATION! I was told one time that I would not "find God" on medication, so I went off, and nearly was driven to suicide. I love the Twelve Steps. I love recovery. I love God. I love the people in recovery. Even the ones that are misguided about medication. But I also suffer from a mental illness, and if I don't treat my mental illness, I am incapacitated as far as doing the work to maintain my recovery from alcoholism.
What many people don't understand is that Dual Diagnosis means that EACH diagnosis is a PRIMARY diagnosis. So, if you have alcoholism and bipolar disorder, like me, you must attack both problems equally. You must treat the bipolar disorder with medication, and perhaps therapy, and you must address the alcoholism with the Twelve Steps, or any other recovery program available. Alot of folks believe that if you treat the mental illness, the addiction/alcoholism will magically go away on its own. I think this is a very common misconception. Or, conversely, if the mentally ill individual stops drinking/using, his or her mental health will clear up on its own. This is also untrue, in my experience.
I wish they had a dual diagnosis meeting in my city. I struggle very much with issues related to my bipolar ups and downs, and feel very, very uncomfortable talking about that at meetings; yet, it's such a huge part of my life. I've had psychiatric hospitalizations IN SOBRIETY. I know others have as well. Anyways, that's enough preaching out of me!
What many people don't understand is that Dual Diagnosis means that EACH diagnosis is a PRIMARY diagnosis. So, if you have alcoholism and bipolar disorder, like me, you must attack both problems equally. You must treat the bipolar disorder with medication, and perhaps therapy, and you must address the alcoholism with the Twelve Steps, or any other recovery program available. Alot of folks believe that if you treat the mental illness, the addiction/alcoholism will magically go away on its own. I think this is a very common misconception. Or, conversely, if the mentally ill individual stops drinking/using, his or her mental health will clear up on its own. This is also untrue, in my experience.
I wish they had a dual diagnosis meeting in my city. I struggle very much with issues related to my bipolar ups and downs, and feel very, very uncomfortable talking about that at meetings; yet, it's such a huge part of my life. I've had psychiatric hospitalizations IN SOBRIETY. I know others have as well. Anyways, that's enough preaching out of me!
Need help helping others understand mental health
Hi everyone! I have posted infrequently in this forum as I am a dual-diagnosis with opiate addiction adn spend most of my time there. But now I need help from those of you with experience.
I have suffered with depression since I was a child, but did not start anti-d until I was 25. I was a very moody child, had middle-child syndrome to the tee!. So I stayed on anti-d for a few years then decided to stop. Go figure I chose to go off them at one of the worst times in my family's life, but I got through it. But afterwards I sank into a deep depression adn started up again. I have been on more anti-d than I can count. A few years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar II. I don't know if I just was in denial that I was anything other than depression, but I was very hesitant about taking any other meds. I ended up agreeing on a few different mood stabilizer (not anti-psychotics). My friends knew I struggled, and my lows were so low that I would call in to work for a 1 at a time (I'm an RN). I started abusing medications like nyquil and other OTC drugs similar (cough medicine). If I had bronchitis I always asks for tussinex--a great codein cough medicine. HHowever, it did' tbother me once I ran out--did' feel like i needed it. Until I start taking pills, that's where it all went down hill and I've abused opiate for the last 2 years--up to 20-40 15mg oxys daily. I would work high, everyday of my life I had to be loaded up in order to be able to get anything done. It was when I finally emotionally collapsed and revealed it to my family that my life was coming to an end. I did not think I could ever be functional again. Fortuatnely now, I am living at my parent's house--2 hours away from where I was living.
The point of starting this thread (that I almost forgot!) Is that my best friend is having a realy hard time understanding why I can't just pull up my bootstraps and suck it up (my 2 least fav sayings!). I've tried explaining it in al ways possible but she really isn't getting it. She thinks that I am allowing myself stay depressed and I'm not going out there trying to get better. I told her she had no clue how bad I was when I went to detox. I truly felt like I wold never feel better at anytime in my lifef. She is a very religious person, and I think this is what makes a difference as well. However, the problem I have with her not understanding is that she was bulemic up until a few years ago. Bulemia , like drugs ancohol is a disease as well. Really I'm just asking for help from anyone who they have had to explain this to. I livein FL and was supposed to go see her in Chicago this past Wed. I decided on Tues night that I couldn't go--I didn't feel physically (from the drugs) or mentally (from teh depression). I had a conversation ont he phone with her on Tuesday and I think that is what made me call off the trip--she just reiterated how I need to suck it up and look at eachday as a gift. That is so much easier said than done. I do try to do that, but you hit rock bttom, things aren't going to change in the blink of an eye. Also. she does not believe that mental health issues are considered diseaes. the real problem I hav with this is that sh was bulemic for years--aren't eatin diorders considred disease as well? I'mjust confused becuae I am heart broken that I didn't go up there--I told her it's because I just still don't feel strong enough. Her 2 yr old girl is my godaughter who I have seen only times. She also has a 1 yr old girl that I haven't seen since she was 2 weeks old. My friend was doing everything possible to keep my day dull so that I would not have too much downtime. I think if we had had a better talk the day before I was to leave, it may have been differen, but because she was still not truly realizing the severit of what happened, I was feeling like I may disappoint her up there if I were to have a bad day or deal with strong need to use.
So, after this rambling, does anyone have any suggestions on approaching this with her? We've been best friends for so long and she has been there with me through some rough times. No one, not even here, knew about the addiction until I was told I had to go to detox. then only my family and 2 choice friends found out about it. Actually I was so nervous about tellig her I could'nt even call her for a week because I as ashamed. So, my qusestion to you all, if you are willing to help, is to give me some guidance on how to handle this situation. i want her to understand so badly. I helped her the best I could through her eating disorder, and she credits me with helping her. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!!1
I have suffered with depression since I was a child, but did not start anti-d until I was 25. I was a very moody child, had middle-child syndrome to the tee!. So I stayed on anti-d for a few years then decided to stop. Go figure I chose to go off them at one of the worst times in my family's life, but I got through it. But afterwards I sank into a deep depression adn started up again. I have been on more anti-d than I can count. A few years ago I was diagnosed as bipolar II. I don't know if I just was in denial that I was anything other than depression, but I was very hesitant about taking any other meds. I ended up agreeing on a few different mood stabilizer (not anti-psychotics). My friends knew I struggled, and my lows were so low that I would call in to work for a 1 at a time (I'm an RN). I started abusing medications like nyquil and other OTC drugs similar (cough medicine). If I had bronchitis I always asks for tussinex--a great codein cough medicine. HHowever, it did' tbother me once I ran out--did' feel like i needed it. Until I start taking pills, that's where it all went down hill and I've abused opiate for the last 2 years--up to 20-40 15mg oxys daily. I would work high, everyday of my life I had to be loaded up in order to be able to get anything done. It was when I finally emotionally collapsed and revealed it to my family that my life was coming to an end. I did not think I could ever be functional again. Fortuatnely now, I am living at my parent's house--2 hours away from where I was living.
The point of starting this thread (that I almost forgot!) Is that my best friend is having a realy hard time understanding why I can't just pull up my bootstraps and suck it up (my 2 least fav sayings!). I've tried explaining it in al ways possible but she really isn't getting it. She thinks that I am allowing myself stay depressed and I'm not going out there trying to get better. I told her she had no clue how bad I was when I went to detox. I truly felt like I wold never feel better at anytime in my lifef. She is a very religious person, and I think this is what makes a difference as well. However, the problem I have with her not understanding is that she was bulemic up until a few years ago. Bulemia , like drugs ancohol is a disease as well. Really I'm just asking for help from anyone who they have had to explain this to. I livein FL and was supposed to go see her in Chicago this past Wed. I decided on Tues night that I couldn't go--I didn't feel physically (from the drugs) or mentally (from teh depression). I had a conversation ont he phone with her on Tuesday and I think that is what made me call off the trip--she just reiterated how I need to suck it up and look at eachday as a gift. That is so much easier said than done. I do try to do that, but you hit rock bttom, things aren't going to change in the blink of an eye. Also. she does not believe that mental health issues are considered diseaes. the real problem I hav with this is that sh was bulemic for years--aren't eatin diorders considred disease as well? I'mjust confused becuae I am heart broken that I didn't go up there--I told her it's because I just still don't feel strong enough. Her 2 yr old girl is my godaughter who I have seen only times. She also has a 1 yr old girl that I haven't seen since she was 2 weeks old. My friend was doing everything possible to keep my day dull so that I would not have too much downtime. I think if we had had a better talk the day before I was to leave, it may have been differen, but because she was still not truly realizing the severit of what happened, I was feeling like I may disappoint her up there if I were to have a bad day or deal with strong need to use.
So, after this rambling, does anyone have any suggestions on approaching this with her? We've been best friends for so long and she has been there with me through some rough times. No one, not even here, knew about the addiction until I was told I had to go to detox. then only my family and 2 choice friends found out about it. Actually I was so nervous about tellig her I could'nt even call her for a week because I as ashamed. So, my qusestion to you all, if you are willing to help, is to give me some guidance on how to handle this situation. i want her to understand so badly. I helped her the best I could through her eating disorder, and she credits me with helping her. Any and all suggestions are appreciated!!1
When will the suffering end?
Hello All,
I posted this in Mental Health as well. In this forum I added lines in Italic.
I don't know where to start really. I felt the need to vent some frustration. I haven't slept well in two months and have lost about 15 lbs because of worry and anxiety.
I've never known how to live this life I have been given. I felt "apart from" all my life. As a male, it is tough to be shy in American society where assertiveness and aggressiveness is rewarded. I've tried to overcome my shyness and have made some progress but still feel self-conscience and anxiety around people.
I have a touch of OCD. I remember washing my hands up to my elbows in first grade because of the "germs" marching up my arms. The sink was outside the bathroom in the classroom. Another kid noticed me doing that and teased me about it. I stopped doing it.
My mother was a Catholic and we went to church when I was really young. My father didn't attend. I had the thought that I had sinned enough to go to hell by the time I was ten so I stopped going. It was difficult to listen about love and forgiveness when things at home were so volatile.
We moved around a lot. I was always the new kid which made it even more difficult socially. At 16 I put a gun in my mouth but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I couldn't slit my wrists years later when I checked into a hotel room to end it all after getting a DUI. I know that suicide isn't the answer and seriously doubt that I could ever go through with it but I am tired of living a life that I don't know how to live.
I got married young which was a huge mistake. Sick people attract sick people. After divorcing 6 years later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia which explained a lot of things related to her behavior.
I've struggled with alcohol abuse but it has been 14 years since my last drink. I went to AA in 1989 and managed to get a little time but didn't get a sponsor, didn't work the steps and when I quit going to meetings, started to drink again. I came back into the rooms in 1994. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and life got better.
I had started dating a woman when I was drinking. We rented a house together with her 2 year old (at the time) son. I got busted for a DUI and we moved into an apartment. Somehow (gift from God) I managed not to lose my job. After going to AA I got an even better job and bought a house in '96.
I ended up living next to the neighbors from hell. They played loud music at all hours and had 3 dogs that would rush the fence every time I went outside. I tried to look at my part of the problem and tried to find a resolution. The situation got so bad we ended up in court. I knew I had to move, whether it was to a prison cell for taking matters into my own hand or to another house.
I was able to sell the house in 2004 but by then I had slowly and without being aware of it, drifted away from working a solid program of recovery.
I bought another house without really thinking it over because "they only appreciate in value". Yeah, right. Instead of banking the money and scaling down to being a renter I moved into a newer house. My gf and I broke up. Another dysfunctional relationship. I let her son live with me because at the time I thought I was more stable than she was. I live in a better neighborhood too. I haven't been much of a father figure to him although I thought I was.
The new house payment was pretty steep compared to the old payment. I stupidly thought that I would "grow into it", meaning my income would increase as time went by.
Since I was not diligent about my recovery my disease manifested itself in other ways. I became obsessive with "things" like cars and televisions. I bought too many of each. I've racked up credit card debt, a new car payment. I was into online pornography but stopped in Sept when I hit my spiritual bottom. Now I live in fear of losing my job, car and house.
Which brings me to where I am today, extremely depressed. I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn't make the pain any less.
I'm on anti-depressants. They help. I know I'd be more depressed without them.
I've picked up my meetings in NA which I started to attend 2 years ago. I've struggled with the concept of God, whether He is the God of the Bible or a "caring loving God as I understand Him".
I've been praying a lot, trying to turn my life over to Jesus. I've asked for Salvation and Mercy but have felt no relief.
I have also told God that I am ready to go. I can't commit suicide but would love for the pain and suffering of this life to end before I make the next mistake.
So you see, I just don't know how to do this thing called life. I thought things were going well. Life was good... but I was in my disease and was blind to what I was doing. The AA/NA programs help but I feel it is too late.
I have such an overwhelming feeling of doom. I remember reading that there were checks and balances in place to prevent another "Great Depression". Well, those checks and balances weren't really there and I believe we are in for the "Mother of All Depressions" and in fact may be at the "End Times" as the Bible states.
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." - whether or not it's the disease of addiction or the devil, I feel like I fell into a trap and have been snared. Please pray for my deliverance.
Well, I have to get ready to go to work while I still have a job. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like being so negative but it is who I am and despite fighting it for years it is always with me.... sometimes at a distance other times close by.
Peace.
I posted this in Mental Health as well. In this forum I added lines in Italic.
I don't know where to start really. I felt the need to vent some frustration. I haven't slept well in two months and have lost about 15 lbs because of worry and anxiety.
I've never known how to live this life I have been given. I felt "apart from" all my life. As a male, it is tough to be shy in American society where assertiveness and aggressiveness is rewarded. I've tried to overcome my shyness and have made some progress but still feel self-conscience and anxiety around people.
I have a touch of OCD. I remember washing my hands up to my elbows in first grade because of the "germs" marching up my arms. The sink was outside the bathroom in the classroom. Another kid noticed me doing that and teased me about it. I stopped doing it.
My mother was a Catholic and we went to church when I was really young. My father didn't attend. I had the thought that I had sinned enough to go to hell by the time I was ten so I stopped going. It was difficult to listen about love and forgiveness when things at home were so volatile.
We moved around a lot. I was always the new kid which made it even more difficult socially. At 16 I put a gun in my mouth but couldn't quite pull the trigger. I couldn't slit my wrists years later when I checked into a hotel room to end it all after getting a DUI. I know that suicide isn't the answer and seriously doubt that I could ever go through with it but I am tired of living a life that I don't know how to live.
I got married young which was a huge mistake. Sick people attract sick people. After divorcing 6 years later she was diagnosed with schizophrenia which explained a lot of things related to her behavior.
I've struggled with alcohol abuse but it has been 14 years since my last drink. I went to AA in 1989 and managed to get a little time but didn't get a sponsor, didn't work the steps and when I quit going to meetings, started to drink again. I came back into the rooms in 1994. I got a sponsor and worked the steps and life got better.
I had started dating a woman when I was drinking. We rented a house together with her 2 year old (at the time) son. I got busted for a DUI and we moved into an apartment. Somehow (gift from God) I managed not to lose my job. After going to AA I got an even better job and bought a house in '96.
I ended up living next to the neighbors from hell. They played loud music at all hours and had 3 dogs that would rush the fence every time I went outside. I tried to look at my part of the problem and tried to find a resolution. The situation got so bad we ended up in court. I knew I had to move, whether it was to a prison cell for taking matters into my own hand or to another house.
I was able to sell the house in 2004 but by then I had slowly and without being aware of it, drifted away from working a solid program of recovery.
I bought another house without really thinking it over because "they only appreciate in value". Yeah, right. Instead of banking the money and scaling down to being a renter I moved into a newer house. My gf and I broke up. Another dysfunctional relationship. I let her son live with me because at the time I thought I was more stable than she was. I live in a better neighborhood too. I haven't been much of a father figure to him although I thought I was.
The new house payment was pretty steep compared to the old payment. I stupidly thought that I would "grow into it", meaning my income would increase as time went by.
Since I was not diligent about my recovery my disease manifested itself in other ways. I became obsessive with "things" like cars and televisions. I bought too many of each. I've racked up credit card debt, a new car payment. I was into online pornography but stopped in Sept when I hit my spiritual bottom. Now I live in fear of losing my job, car and house.
Which brings me to where I am today, extremely depressed. I know I have no one to blame but myself but that doesn't make the pain any less.
I'm on anti-depressants. They help. I know I'd be more depressed without them.
I've picked up my meetings in NA which I started to attend 2 years ago. I've struggled with the concept of God, whether He is the God of the Bible or a "caring loving God as I understand Him".
I've been praying a lot, trying to turn my life over to Jesus. I've asked for Salvation and Mercy but have felt no relief.
I have also told God that I am ready to go. I can't commit suicide but would love for the pain and suffering of this life to end before I make the next mistake.
So you see, I just don't know how to do this thing called life. I thought things were going well. Life was good... but I was in my disease and was blind to what I was doing. The AA/NA programs help but I feel it is too late.
I have such an overwhelming feeling of doom. I remember reading that there were checks and balances in place to prevent another "Great Depression". Well, those checks and balances weren't really there and I believe we are in for the "Mother of All Depressions" and in fact may be at the "End Times" as the Bible states.
"Be sober, be vigilant; because your adversary the devil, as a roaring lion, walketh about, seeking whom he may devour." - whether or not it's the disease of addiction or the devil, I feel like I fell into a trap and have been snared. Please pray for my deliverance.
Well, I have to get ready to go to work while I still have a job. Thanks for letting me vent. I don't like being so negative but it is who I am and despite fighting it for years it is always with me.... sometimes at a distance other times close by.
Peace.
could use some insight and advice
I came to the mental health page hoping some of you could give me some insight or advise because today I have no idea what to do
my 17 year old son had a psychotic episode last may spent over a week in the psych unit and was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. At that time I learned he had been smoking pot and that could have triggered the episode........though the diagnosis would have happened eventually ( according to the doctors)
anyhow my husband ( not sons dad) is an addict (cocaine, crack)
and hes had active use, clean then relapse for the last few years...........so hes not wanting to give much imput as he feels he has no "right" and will let me handle it
so my son has been fine taking his medication and told me he knew better than to ever smoke pot again..................but yesterday I found out he is and he has been for MONTHS!!!
so heres the thing, even knowing that it could cause a return psychotic episode he still did it again...............this is to much like the active adddict........using despite the consenquences
so I am scared to death, and frankly I want to put his butt in treatment............
and worse, hes not sorry hes actually down right disrespectful about it today......telling me I cant control if he smokes pot and that all the doctors are crazy hes FINE and pot wont hurt him..............
so what do I do?
On one hand I feel like he needs treatment now while I still have some say before he turns 18
I have already taken the car and hes grounded but I feel like maybe I need to do more like get him treatment...............I know its not as bad as some drugs but he does it KNOWING its horrible for him and his condition............
maybe he needs more than just "punishment" such as losing the car
sorry this is so long and rambling but any advice would be great..........
my 17 year old son had a psychotic episode last may spent over a week in the psych unit and was diagnosed with bi polar disorder. At that time I learned he had been smoking pot and that could have triggered the episode........though the diagnosis would have happened eventually ( according to the doctors)
anyhow my husband ( not sons dad) is an addict (cocaine, crack)
and hes had active use, clean then relapse for the last few years...........so hes not wanting to give much imput as he feels he has no "right" and will let me handle it
so my son has been fine taking his medication and told me he knew better than to ever smoke pot again..................but yesterday I found out he is and he has been for MONTHS!!!
so heres the thing, even knowing that it could cause a return psychotic episode he still did it again...............this is to much like the active adddict........using despite the consenquences
so I am scared to death, and frankly I want to put his butt in treatment............
and worse, hes not sorry hes actually down right disrespectful about it today......telling me I cant control if he smokes pot and that all the doctors are crazy hes FINE and pot wont hurt him..............
so what do I do?
On one hand I feel like he needs treatment now while I still have some say before he turns 18
I have already taken the car and hes grounded but I feel like maybe I need to do more like get him treatment...............I know its not as bad as some drugs but he does it KNOWING its horrible for him and his condition............
maybe he needs more than just "punishment" such as losing the car
sorry this is so long and rambling but any advice would be great..........
gave in
I gave up, after numerous freebie, craving-free weeks. This past week the cravings hit full force, though, and tonight I didn't resist at all.
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right? :(
Long story short: After I drank at the party, I sat down on a curve, and held my head in my hands. I saw this image of myself, asking me: "So it's just you and me now. Are you willing to do it?"
I'm used to effortlessness. Right now, I don't have a job, I'm barely keeping up with my long overdue classes, taking a colourful variety of meds that supposedly consolidate my mental health and sobriety, I'm hooked on cigarettes that fill a void, and basically take everything for granted, including my family and friends. When I decided to get sober for good 15 weeks ago, I had no cravings whatsoever, so I just coasted along with a relieved smile. That's the way things tend to be in my life: simply handed to me, implying no hard work whatsoever.
When I was a kid, my Grandmother used to say that I could charm the devil into doing whatever I pleased. That comment is obviously untrue, but it's not quite off the mark either. It set the stage for the way my life would be like, at least in appearance: seemingly sunny, filled with silver spoons, and requiring no effort. At all. So, yup, I'm just a Self-injuring martyr, now ignore those goddamn clouds... How's that for a martyr statement!
There is one thing - maybe the only thing - I'm proud of: I have tried my very best to never, ever, hurt anyone. Except for one notable exception, this is something I have excelled at. It's not that I try to be a "good person" or some other half assed notion along those lines. It's just the way I am. But:
maybe it's time to challenge that notion as well.
I have hurt others unintentionally.
And I've also hurt myself.
What am I going to do differently this time around?
Well... ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING.
... there is a bigger picture, right? :(
correction
I just want to correct something I posted earlier in error.
Trevor is not in prison, as I thought.
He was in the hospital; locked in the mental health ward for his well being.
He is now out. It seems he's staying with his dad.
I called his dad to give son some info last night, not knowing he was there. He answered the phone. That's how I know all this information. He told me he's trying to get back into the rehab he got thrown out of. I told him I'm glad. Other small talk. He wants to come and pick up his mail, but, I think it's best if I just mail it to him...
I wish him all the best. I love him. But, I just don't want that front row seat anymore. :codiepolice
Sorry about the error. :sorry
Shalom!
Trevor is not in prison, as I thought.
He was in the hospital; locked in the mental health ward for his well being.
He is now out. It seems he's staying with his dad.
I called his dad to give son some info last night, not knowing he was there. He answered the phone. That's how I know all this information. He told me he's trying to get back into the rehab he got thrown out of. I told him I'm glad. Other small talk. He wants to come and pick up his mail, but, I think it's best if I just mail it to him...
I wish him all the best. I love him. But, I just don't want that front row seat anymore. :codiepolice
Sorry about the error. :sorry
Shalom!
I drank today
I hate booze but i made a decision to drink for the sake of my mental health.
Yeah I know it sounds ****** up, but posting this is about all I can muster, as far as reaching out.
You want to hear honesty that makes no sence? ......... I dont even want recovery. I ask myself ? why am I even doing this ?(recovery)
This is a rude post and a ungrateful one but I have to be honest.
So why am I even posting this? ....Because I've been told that, I need to be in recovery.
I should know better than to drink (even though I hate booze) because I am unlikely to be able to control it.
God bless.
Yeah I know it sounds ****** up, but posting this is about all I can muster, as far as reaching out.
You want to hear honesty that makes no sence? ......... I dont even want recovery. I ask myself ? why am I even doing this ?(recovery)
This is a rude post and a ungrateful one but I have to be honest.
So why am I even posting this? ....Because I've been told that, I need to be in recovery.
I should know better than to drink (even though I hate booze) because I am unlikely to be able to control it.
God bless.
