Archive for the ‘Midst’ tag
What Christmas meant to me growing up
I want to share this for those in here who are in the midst of a relationship with an alcoholic who have children in their homes.
Both my parents were alcoholics. We didn't see my father much because he worked night shift most of my life. We saw him mostly on weekends and holidays.
Weekends and holidays came to mean mom and dad got drunk which usually meant fights. From the time I was very little, somewhere under 5, I knew mom and dad being around together meant drunkeness and anger. Now mom was drunk a whole lot of the time on other days, mind you but that was differnent. Mom drunk on her own was maulding and crying. Mom drunk and dad drunk together was a storm waiting to erupt.
My brothers and I talked about how the victim of the day would get chosen by dad when he was drunk. He always needed a target for his anger.
Most of the time it was mom and she frequently wore the bruises as evidence. Of course she never admitted those bruises were from dad's fists. I guess a polite charade went on and we kids didn't admit to knowing dad had hit her, that we heard it all.
Then of course there were the other times when the vicitm of the day was me or one of my brothers. I don't remember how old I was the first time I was the victim but I suspect it was before I was 10. I don't remember what mom did those times one of us kids were beaten. I have blocked the memories to this day and I'm now almost 54.
I do clearly remember the last time my father hit me. It was Christmas eve and I was 13. He hit me so hard I was unconsicous for a brief period of time. When I came to, Dad was standing over me, ready to hit me again yelling at me about faking being knocked out. I somehow pushed him out of my way when I stood and told him I would call the cops if he came near me, touched me again. I remember the look of shock on his face too. He believed me. He never did hit me again.
Anyway the point of all this rambling story is that from as early as I can remember, Christmas meant drunkenness, fighting, violence, and tears. I have no happy childhood memories of opening presents. I have no memories of a happy family gathering for a shared dinner and Christmas joy (although my older brother tells me they did happen). For me Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter) will always be associated with drunkeness and anger.
Your children see more than you give them credit for. Children are little sponges absorbing everything around them. Even if you don't have the violence in your homes that was in mine, your children are learning from you and your A everyday. They are storing away every incident. They are, underneath it all, wondering what they did wrong, how they caused it. I know I did.
I am now building happier Christmas memories and have been for many years. I love this season of giving and love. But underneath it all, the young girl who hated holidays is still there inside me, hating Christmas because of what it was like back then. Those experiences run awfully deep.
Both my parents were alcoholics. We didn't see my father much because he worked night shift most of my life. We saw him mostly on weekends and holidays.
Weekends and holidays came to mean mom and dad got drunk which usually meant fights. From the time I was very little, somewhere under 5, I knew mom and dad being around together meant drunkeness and anger. Now mom was drunk a whole lot of the time on other days, mind you but that was differnent. Mom drunk on her own was maulding and crying. Mom drunk and dad drunk together was a storm waiting to erupt.
My brothers and I talked about how the victim of the day would get chosen by dad when he was drunk. He always needed a target for his anger.
Most of the time it was mom and she frequently wore the bruises as evidence. Of course she never admitted those bruises were from dad's fists. I guess a polite charade went on and we kids didn't admit to knowing dad had hit her, that we heard it all.
Then of course there were the other times when the vicitm of the day was me or one of my brothers. I don't remember how old I was the first time I was the victim but I suspect it was before I was 10. I don't remember what mom did those times one of us kids were beaten. I have blocked the memories to this day and I'm now almost 54.
I do clearly remember the last time my father hit me. It was Christmas eve and I was 13. He hit me so hard I was unconsicous for a brief period of time. When I came to, Dad was standing over me, ready to hit me again yelling at me about faking being knocked out. I somehow pushed him out of my way when I stood and told him I would call the cops if he came near me, touched me again. I remember the look of shock on his face too. He believed me. He never did hit me again.
Anyway the point of all this rambling story is that from as early as I can remember, Christmas meant drunkenness, fighting, violence, and tears. I have no happy childhood memories of opening presents. I have no memories of a happy family gathering for a shared dinner and Christmas joy (although my older brother tells me they did happen). For me Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter) will always be associated with drunkeness and anger.
Your children see more than you give them credit for. Children are little sponges absorbing everything around them. Even if you don't have the violence in your homes that was in mine, your children are learning from you and your A everyday. They are storing away every incident. They are, underneath it all, wondering what they did wrong, how they caused it. I know I did.
I am now building happier Christmas memories and have been for many years. I love this season of giving and love. But underneath it all, the young girl who hated holidays is still there inside me, hating Christmas because of what it was like back then. Those experiences run awfully deep.
One day at a time, please!
Hi Family,
I was all stressed out today about my bills. About a third of my income is generated by contract overtime work, which I now have to line up, a gig at a time. My regular gig, which met most of my overtime needs recently dried up. The federal funds to staff it are discontinued.
So I had to find some new gigs. This really freaked me out, because I like to know where my money is coming from well ahead of time, and now I can't know. I have to work it out by making calls, monitoring the e-mails, and talking to people about available gigs (I have a hard time with talking with folks).
This was stressing me out today, but I did say my morning Serenity prayer anyway. And midway through the day some work friends called and offered me more than enough overtime hours for the next week. That was a blessing, but I didn't let it make me feel all the way better, because I was thinking "What about the week after that? What if there isn't any overtime for that next week, or the one after?"
In the midst of that mental stress and confusion, I went to a meeting, Serenity at Seven, a good title for my state of mind, I thought. The speaker was a real peaceful dude who used to be a hippy and has been clean for about 22 years. He spoke at length about God meeting our needs, turning problems that we have no control over to God, praying, and letting go. It was just what I needed to hear.
I exhaled after the last prayer of the meeting when I was standing in the circle, and all the stress just left my body. Amazing. The dude came up and asked if I had a good Thanksgiving. I began to whine "I wasn't off. I had to work.." He said quietly "Did you get high? No? Did you get enough to eat? You did? Well you had a good day then, didn't you?" Kind of brought it all back into perspective for me.
I'll keep coming back.:candle6D:
Just for today, working on gratitude,
KJ
I was all stressed out today about my bills. About a third of my income is generated by contract overtime work, which I now have to line up, a gig at a time. My regular gig, which met most of my overtime needs recently dried up. The federal funds to staff it are discontinued.
So I had to find some new gigs. This really freaked me out, because I like to know where my money is coming from well ahead of time, and now I can't know. I have to work it out by making calls, monitoring the e-mails, and talking to people about available gigs (I have a hard time with talking with folks).
This was stressing me out today, but I did say my morning Serenity prayer anyway. And midway through the day some work friends called and offered me more than enough overtime hours for the next week. That was a blessing, but I didn't let it make me feel all the way better, because I was thinking "What about the week after that? What if there isn't any overtime for that next week, or the one after?"
In the midst of that mental stress and confusion, I went to a meeting, Serenity at Seven, a good title for my state of mind, I thought. The speaker was a real peaceful dude who used to be a hippy and has been clean for about 22 years. He spoke at length about God meeting our needs, turning problems that we have no control over to God, praying, and letting go. It was just what I needed to hear.
I exhaled after the last prayer of the meeting when I was standing in the circle, and all the stress just left my body. Amazing. The dude came up and asked if I had a good Thanksgiving. I began to whine "I wasn't off. I had to work.." He said quietly "Did you get high? No? Did you get enough to eat? You did? Well you had a good day then, didn't you?" Kind of brought it all back into perspective for me.
I'll keep coming back.:candle6D:
Just for today, working on gratitude,
KJ
staying clean day by day
hi all
just checking in to the SR internet world with a report of my sobriety. I am staying clean and today is my 40th day clean
I never have to pick up a crack pipe again
i never have to drink again
i never have to live with the additional isolation and fear that using and drinking brings to me
I have enough of that inside of me already! and today I am continuing to work on my recovery. from my first moment awake until the last before sleep, I have work to do. the work of recovery. the work of practicing new behaviors and new activities. the work of acting and creating my life instead of "re-acting" and of living in "automatic".
so that's it for me for today....except for....below I am reposting something I wrote last week on SR. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on it from friends and want to include it here again and maybe it will bring something good to someone.
A look at my life today, and then 20 years into the future?(by Jerry K.)
TODAY...I'm in the middle of a dream, but don't know it. It's a happy dream of sorts. The dream seems to be coming to a possible conclusion and before the final details, your alarm goes off. You hear it and turn it off and get out of bed. The rush of madness begins. Another day. Lots to do. Brush teeth. Shower. Clothes. Coffee. Medications. The News. And midst these subplots, are the bigger plans of the day itself. What will come first? A little change will be needed here. Then your phone rings...you hang up and a dozen more things come into your mind. You begin your journey to WORK with your bag of stuff, and start your car, and drive, and approve the traffic report to begin your normal route.
Like the approach of a train, signaled by its steady growth of power, all these things going on in your mind begin to rattle the windows of your soul. And to think it's only just begun; you've only been awake for 35 minutes and you're wound up tight already. But you know how to push the limits of this obsession with your life, and your multitasking parade of events. You have lived over the edge without any consequence, and heck you're not even close to the ledge. Then it occurs to you that it's only 6:25AM, and you know by 10:00 things will be in full tilt. Are you up for the challenge, up for the game? -- To process the input of the data of your life, and create an impressive output of productivity and outright ?together-ness?? For a moment you feel a general tiredness. It has nothing to do with lack of sleep, but you take another drink of your caffeinated medicine and return it to the cup holder and enter the Left Lane of I-75 South.
20 YEARS LATER...In the early morning you can ease up on your wants ? those instant desires of self-ness that race out the morning gates in your brain as you rise. You take a deep breath in, accepting the pain of those desires and the anxiety of the wait. You now claim the life of the breath, and release it to the world with all the love of your soul.
The peace of morning quietness now comes into your Heart early. The winter's forced air of the furnace soothes your reality. Gratitude fills you, and constant wordless prayer emanates from your Heart. All the past, present, and future of your being lives and breathes, here now.
There is no rush and there is no waiting, because you are at exactly where you are at. You are spreading goodness now; and that is what you are about. You are love. This kind of love is a state of being, your state of being. It is a love that is not outward or inward. It is a love of ?being?.
So this love, this nature of love, is now the Way. There are no conditions for it; it is. It is in your breath, your mind, your heart. It is spontaneous; it requires no plans. During pain or joy it always remains. Its existence never waits for another time, it doesn't wait until your vacation, or until you?re out of rush hour traffic, or until you ?fall in love?. It just goes on. It always occurs with the breath.
just checking in to the SR internet world with a report of my sobriety. I am staying clean and today is my 40th day clean
I never have to pick up a crack pipe again
i never have to drink again
i never have to live with the additional isolation and fear that using and drinking brings to me
I have enough of that inside of me already! and today I am continuing to work on my recovery. from my first moment awake until the last before sleep, I have work to do. the work of recovery. the work of practicing new behaviors and new activities. the work of acting and creating my life instead of "re-acting" and of living in "automatic".
so that's it for me for today....except for....below I am reposting something I wrote last week on SR. I've gotten a lot of positive feedback on it from friends and want to include it here again and maybe it will bring something good to someone.
A look at my life today, and then 20 years into the future?(by Jerry K.)
TODAY...I'm in the middle of a dream, but don't know it. It's a happy dream of sorts. The dream seems to be coming to a possible conclusion and before the final details, your alarm goes off. You hear it and turn it off and get out of bed. The rush of madness begins. Another day. Lots to do. Brush teeth. Shower. Clothes. Coffee. Medications. The News. And midst these subplots, are the bigger plans of the day itself. What will come first? A little change will be needed here. Then your phone rings...you hang up and a dozen more things come into your mind. You begin your journey to WORK with your bag of stuff, and start your car, and drive, and approve the traffic report to begin your normal route.
Like the approach of a train, signaled by its steady growth of power, all these things going on in your mind begin to rattle the windows of your soul. And to think it's only just begun; you've only been awake for 35 minutes and you're wound up tight already. But you know how to push the limits of this obsession with your life, and your multitasking parade of events. You have lived over the edge without any consequence, and heck you're not even close to the ledge. Then it occurs to you that it's only 6:25AM, and you know by 10:00 things will be in full tilt. Are you up for the challenge, up for the game? -- To process the input of the data of your life, and create an impressive output of productivity and outright ?together-ness?? For a moment you feel a general tiredness. It has nothing to do with lack of sleep, but you take another drink of your caffeinated medicine and return it to the cup holder and enter the Left Lane of I-75 South.
20 YEARS LATER...In the early morning you can ease up on your wants ? those instant desires of self-ness that race out the morning gates in your brain as you rise. You take a deep breath in, accepting the pain of those desires and the anxiety of the wait. You now claim the life of the breath, and release it to the world with all the love of your soul.
The peace of morning quietness now comes into your Heart early. The winter's forced air of the furnace soothes your reality. Gratitude fills you, and constant wordless prayer emanates from your Heart. All the past, present, and future of your being lives and breathes, here now.
There is no rush and there is no waiting, because you are at exactly where you are at. You are spreading goodness now; and that is what you are about. You are love. This kind of love is a state of being, your state of being. It is a love that is not outward or inward. It is a love of ?being?.
So this love, this nature of love, is now the Way. There are no conditions for it; it is. It is in your breath, your mind, your heart. It is spontaneous; it requires no plans. During pain or joy it always remains. Its existence never waits for another time, it doesn't wait until your vacation, or until you?re out of rush hour traffic, or until you ?fall in love?. It just goes on. It always occurs with the breath.
When and How????
So, I am moving forward but I don't really quite know how I am surviving, frankly. Thank god for my therapist, but I am still not doing well. I finally escaped the insanity of addiction and all of the chaos and lack of trust, love, confidence that goes along with it and I am alone. Totally, alone. When do I start to find peace? How do I face being here by myself? Maybe I am just having a pity party, but I don't think I am going to make it through this. What's the point?
I went to a meeting last week. Good to know there are others out there like me, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I went out today to do some errands, etc. and couldn't stand it. I was alone. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Mom's and daughters. Dad's and babies. The holidays are coming and I can't barely get through "regular" days.... How do I do this.
I know intellectually that it would have been wrong to stay in a dead marriage and to be in the midst of all the chaos and "drug induced nonsense".... but at least I wouldn't be alone. I would have my kids with me. I am taking some action with a lawyer to try to "force" some time with my kids.... amazing to me that the kids are with him and all that pain that is happening in my world is because of that fool.
God, someone talk to me. I need to stop crying and get it together.
I went to a meeting last week. Good to know there are others out there like me, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. I went out today to do some errands, etc. and couldn't stand it. I was alone. Everywhere I looked were couples and families. Mom's and daughters. Dad's and babies. The holidays are coming and I can't barely get through "regular" days.... How do I do this.
I know intellectually that it would have been wrong to stay in a dead marriage and to be in the midst of all the chaos and "drug induced nonsense".... but at least I wouldn't be alone. I would have my kids with me. I am taking some action with a lawyer to try to "force" some time with my kids.... amazing to me that the kids are with him and all that pain that is happening in my world is because of that fool.
God, someone talk to me. I need to stop crying and get it together.
up, down, through
hi all DAY 25 I think!
today was a wonderful day that contained a wide range of the gammit of life. up, down, through. and today I am starting off again. nothing is guaranteed. at the end of yesterday I thought i had it. i mean i was in a state of peace with the difficulties that i had been absorbed in during the day at work.
they may be coming back now. well they have a tiny bit. but i'm not going to name them right now. I'm going to live in the solution: In Love.
I wrote a poem recently and would like to share it with you
and
have a wonderfully fully lived day!
Never turn back
(by Ksplash)
After the storm
the peace is so great
like warm winter snow fallin midst the sun.
Then Light fills your heart
with conviction so strong you begin
once again on the path
that leads to your dreams
which are revealed more each day...
as you live in the light
so never turn back to darkness
or things that transport you back
to that place of complete living hell
and when it hurts just keep hanging on
and someday you will be well!
today was a wonderful day that contained a wide range of the gammit of life. up, down, through. and today I am starting off again. nothing is guaranteed. at the end of yesterday I thought i had it. i mean i was in a state of peace with the difficulties that i had been absorbed in during the day at work.
they may be coming back now. well they have a tiny bit. but i'm not going to name them right now. I'm going to live in the solution: In Love.
I wrote a poem recently and would like to share it with you
and
have a wonderfully fully lived day!
Never turn back
(by Ksplash)
After the storm
the peace is so great
like warm winter snow fallin midst the sun.
Then Light fills your heart
with conviction so strong you begin
once again on the path
that leads to your dreams
which are revealed more each day...
as you live in the light
so never turn back to darkness
or things that transport you back
to that place of complete living hell
and when it hurts just keep hanging on
and someday you will be well!
Waiting for a payback on that good karma I sent out
Just feeling a bit overwhelmed. My dad is on hospice for end-stage cancer. It has spread to liver and lungs. He lives out of town and I don't get to spend time with him like I want to.....and that leads to those guilty feelings.
The company I work for is having financial difficulties, and I'm hoping they have enough to cover payroll this week. I've got several bills that are due and am pretty much on a paycheck-to-paycheck basis.
I have some horrible respiratory virus that has left my voice (when I have one at all) sounding something like my almost 13 year old son's.
Then there's the same old stuff with AH (no further explanation needed since y'all have been there)
It seems like I should be able to do something, ANYTHING to change my world, but right now I am so stuck with no energy to do much more than the bare minimum. It's like trying to run a marathon under water.
I'm trying to come up with some concrete things to do that will change things. I need small steps. I've been trying to get in a warm bath at least 2-3 nights a week, am working on eating a healthier diet, getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night. All of those things have been great in taking care of me, but haven't done a darn thing to change my situation.
I have talked with an attorney, made that first step, and am just wondering if filing now is the best idea, given all the other garbology in my life. Thanks for listening, and any thoughts are appreciated. sometimes it's much clearer from the outside than it is in the midst of it.
The company I work for is having financial difficulties, and I'm hoping they have enough to cover payroll this week. I've got several bills that are due and am pretty much on a paycheck-to-paycheck basis.
I have some horrible respiratory virus that has left my voice (when I have one at all) sounding something like my almost 13 year old son's.
Then there's the same old stuff with AH (no further explanation needed since y'all have been there)
It seems like I should be able to do something, ANYTHING to change my world, but right now I am so stuck with no energy to do much more than the bare minimum. It's like trying to run a marathon under water.
I'm trying to come up with some concrete things to do that will change things. I need small steps. I've been trying to get in a warm bath at least 2-3 nights a week, am working on eating a healthier diet, getting at least 7 hours of sleep a night. All of those things have been great in taking care of me, but haven't done a darn thing to change my situation.
I have talked with an attorney, made that first step, and am just wondering if filing now is the best idea, given all the other garbology in my life. Thanks for listening, and any thoughts are appreciated. sometimes it's much clearer from the outside than it is in the midst of it.
OT: fLASHES BACK!
hot flashes have returned with a vengeance after being gone for a year and a half
thought I was free and clear, and they were long gone....:e076:
went through perimenopause early(45), years ago (worst than menopause, I'm thinking), and then menopausal for many years after...I turn 60 next month...
I can only think that in the midst of all that.... went through life changing seriously stressful period, and now that my life has settled down now to a blessed place of some serenity, my hormones, once interrupted, have now resumed their normal progression...thoughts on your experiences, anyone?
now where did I put that fan...
thought I was free and clear, and they were long gone....:e076:
went through perimenopause early(45), years ago (worst than menopause, I'm thinking), and then menopausal for many years after...I turn 60 next month...
I can only think that in the midst of all that.... went through life changing seriously stressful period, and now that my life has settled down now to a blessed place of some serenity, my hormones, once interrupted, have now resumed their normal progression...thoughts on your experiences, anyone?
now where did I put that fan...
All my blood tests came back
First...all I know about the DUI thing is that blood came back a .01.
Basically, I have Stage 2 Hypertension (at age 33!) I'm on some strong medication and I have to get very, very serious about losing weight. They're recommending 100 pounds!!! Atkins and exercise here I come.
I'm borderline Type 1 Diabetes. Again, can be controlled by massive weight loss.
My liver functions came back normal. Can you imagine? After all the drinking I did, I only inflamed my liver; no fatty, no cirrohsis. She said it would be perfectly back to normal in 3-4 months. I really dodged a bullet here.
My kidneys, electrolytes, and pancreas are all operating within normal functions.
Basically, The HP saved me. No more alcohol ever again. Despite what the cops say, I have been sober since January and my body is coming back together.
In the midst of my craziness, there was some good news this week.
Thanks SR!
Basically, I have Stage 2 Hypertension (at age 33!) I'm on some strong medication and I have to get very, very serious about losing weight. They're recommending 100 pounds!!! Atkins and exercise here I come.
I'm borderline Type 1 Diabetes. Again, can be controlled by massive weight loss.
My liver functions came back normal. Can you imagine? After all the drinking I did, I only inflamed my liver; no fatty, no cirrohsis. She said it would be perfectly back to normal in 3-4 months. I really dodged a bullet here.
My kidneys, electrolytes, and pancreas are all operating within normal functions.
Basically, The HP saved me. No more alcohol ever again. Despite what the cops say, I have been sober since January and my body is coming back together.
In the midst of my craziness, there was some good news this week.
Thanks SR!
He’s in the midst of treatment and I don’t know how to feel…
Hi, I am new to this forum. I came looking for advice and information on what I am to expect when my significant other gets home from treatment. He's finishing his third week and is scheduled to come home next weekend. I've missed him, of course, but I am completely afraid of what happens when he comes home. As much as I've missed him, I also felt complete relief that he was getting help and I wasn't "on" anymore. I've attend AL-ANON regularly and found that it is helpful ONCE you find a group in which you feel comfortable.
So... I would appreciate any advice and words of encouragement that anyone could give me!
Thanks! :praying
So... I would appreciate any advice and words of encouragement that anyone could give me!
Thanks! :praying
How did you deal with the grief?
For those of you who have watched the death of your marriage, and made it through to stronger, healthier places, I would like to know how you dealt with your grief in the midst of it? I think my marriage has been on a downhill slope for quite a while, but bringing that out of denial has been tough. Now that I am aware and have acknowledged it to the rest of the world I can't just sit on it any longer. I know the feelings I have are "normal stages of grief"....vacilating between anger, bargaining, and sadness. But what I'd like to hear are stories from those of you that have been in the trenches. I'd like to know that this will pass.....and some affirmation that I'm not so different from the rest of you all. I have 4 kids that are depending on me, and they don't deserve an alcoholic father AND depressed, emotionally unavailable mom.
