Archive for the ‘Mind Over Matter’ tag
Mind over matter
That is how I?ve felt for a long time; it's how I?ve approached many opportunities in my life. I guess its a form of positive thinking or arrogance I?m not sure, my only other belief is too avoid extremes at all costs it always leaves too few answers. 3 months ago I decided to stop drinking for good, I have always had trouble sleeping and the first 2 weeks where hell in that respect. After that though things fell back into place pretty easily sleep came fast and was satisfying, especially with not having to worry about how bad my hangover would be the next day. As of late though I have been coming home from work and sleeping for 2-3 hours then waking to make dinner and watch TV, the first couple times I thought it was normal as I do lead a more active life now than ever before but it seems to be getting worse. I guess my question is when do the affects of a decade of alcoholism wear off; I expected some physical effects initially but 3 months in. I know the mental aspect will take patience and time to overcome but how long will my physical withdrawal symptoms last?
I’m afraid to type Day One
Thank you to everyone who replied so kindly to my last post. I want you to know that your replies are so appreciated. I couldn't tell you earlier because I have to hide my contact with SR.
Here's another "long post." I apologize. I know that I have trouble being brief. I?m always tempted to start with a disclamer: make sure you read all other posts first, I don?t want to take you away from something really important because this could take a while to read. That said, continue at your own risk.
When I read Sugah's explanation of dependence and addiction, I was sickened. What made me feel sick? I don?t know. The entire reply was so kind and so gentle, but it felt like a punch in the gut. I literally wanted to throw up. Thank you so very much, Sugah and, again, to everyone because no matter what else I feel when I read something on SR, I feel safe and like someone cares enough to care.
I haven?t taken anything today. (I almost put that in all caps). But, I say yet because there?s still time. It has been a struggle against my own mind all day: every time that I crave, my entire body tenses into a huge muscle spasm, takes my breath away, and then I feel nauseous. Tonight, it?s just my stomach. I?m amazed at how powerful my mind actually is, at how fond this brain has become to being slightly numbed for such a short period of time, at how deep-seated the psychology must be. Now, if only I could turn the messages in my head around to work in my favor! The pain from the discs in my neck has been increasing since yesterday. My mind?s way of tempting me to run to the doctor to ?get something? for the pain? Mind over matter, I?m discovering, can be a mighty scarey thing.
I want to assure you all that I am trying. I know that it must seem that it shouldn?t be this hard. That embarrasses me terribly. I am so ashamed of my mental weakness (in spite of my brain seeming so powerful). I have to fight not to run and hide or try to drown the humiliation I feel when I admit these things. Also, I feel as if you guys must think that I completely disregard your kindness and your words of wisdom. I?m really not. Trust me, PLEASE, that it?s all getting tucked away inside here. I?ve researched dry drunks, bipolar disorder, personalities disorders, just to name a few. I AM trying. I just haven?t found me anywhere.
Earlier in the week, MLE suggested to me that I?m looking down the barrel of addiction and (thank you MLE) those words continue to haunt me as I refuse to throw anything out because I can?t face doing that yet. Why not? Of course you know... because I fear that I may not be able to do this again tomorrow. My solace is that at least the barrel has only one chamber loaded (please don?t get me wrong, I know the name of that game). So, regardless of it appearing as though I don?t hear a thing that you say, every word that I have read on this site means so much to me and I keep each of them inside me. Now, I need to turn off the computer before I get caught, recall all those wonderful words, and hold out for another hour or so, until it becomes the ?next day.? Actually, it?s probably best just to go to bed.
Here's another "long post." I apologize. I know that I have trouble being brief. I?m always tempted to start with a disclamer: make sure you read all other posts first, I don?t want to take you away from something really important because this could take a while to read. That said, continue at your own risk.
When I read Sugah's explanation of dependence and addiction, I was sickened. What made me feel sick? I don?t know. The entire reply was so kind and so gentle, but it felt like a punch in the gut. I literally wanted to throw up. Thank you so very much, Sugah and, again, to everyone because no matter what else I feel when I read something on SR, I feel safe and like someone cares enough to care.
I haven?t taken anything today. (I almost put that in all caps). But, I say yet because there?s still time. It has been a struggle against my own mind all day: every time that I crave, my entire body tenses into a huge muscle spasm, takes my breath away, and then I feel nauseous. Tonight, it?s just my stomach. I?m amazed at how powerful my mind actually is, at how fond this brain has become to being slightly numbed for such a short period of time, at how deep-seated the psychology must be. Now, if only I could turn the messages in my head around to work in my favor! The pain from the discs in my neck has been increasing since yesterday. My mind?s way of tempting me to run to the doctor to ?get something? for the pain? Mind over matter, I?m discovering, can be a mighty scarey thing.
I want to assure you all that I am trying. I know that it must seem that it shouldn?t be this hard. That embarrasses me terribly. I am so ashamed of my mental weakness (in spite of my brain seeming so powerful). I have to fight not to run and hide or try to drown the humiliation I feel when I admit these things. Also, I feel as if you guys must think that I completely disregard your kindness and your words of wisdom. I?m really not. Trust me, PLEASE, that it?s all getting tucked away inside here. I?ve researched dry drunks, bipolar disorder, personalities disorders, just to name a few. I AM trying. I just haven?t found me anywhere.
Earlier in the week, MLE suggested to me that I?m looking down the barrel of addiction and (thank you MLE) those words continue to haunt me as I refuse to throw anything out because I can?t face doing that yet. Why not? Of course you know... because I fear that I may not be able to do this again tomorrow. My solace is that at least the barrel has only one chamber loaded (please don?t get me wrong, I know the name of that game). So, regardless of it appearing as though I don?t hear a thing that you say, every word that I have read on this site means so much to me and I keep each of them inside me. Now, I need to turn off the computer before I get caught, recall all those wonderful words, and hold out for another hour or so, until it becomes the ?next day.? Actually, it?s probably best just to go to bed.
Day 11
just would like to say i am now on day 11 and feel quite good. it hasn't been that there has been no temptations....i still have beer in my fridge from my last and final binge. at the same time, there has been days where i would normally have cracked a few beer just to cool down....but again, mind over matter.
to those that are having a hard time i just want to say, that it can be done...just need to believe in yourself and keep telling yourself that even just that 1 is too many.
here is to continuing to look forward in this journey. lets hope i stay on this path and don't stray.
Ciao.
to those that are having a hard time i just want to say, that it can be done...just need to believe in yourself and keep telling yourself that even just that 1 is too many.
here is to continuing to look forward in this journey. lets hope i stay on this path and don't stray.
Ciao.
