Drug Rehab Options Blog

My alcoholic husband has now been dry for 5 weeks. He has not accessed other support or recovery programs (besides couples counselling) so the alcoholic mindset and knee jerk behaviours are still there. On the positive side, he is doing a good job of keeping his anger inside and not yelling. I'm still getting emotionally abused through criticisms but it isn't the nutty, chaotic behaviour of an alcoholic.

I have been going to Al-Anon for 5 weeks and I've had the most amazing insights. 15 years of therapy make sense to me now. To make it explicit I know that his drinking and all that follows is not all about me but about him reacting to the way he has been raised. Even his sober behaviour is a product of the negativity in early life.

Same goes with me. My knee-jerk reactions are a product of my upbringing. With that knowledge I have found it actually easy (and I never thought it could ever be) to tune him out and detach with love. I don't need to bite my tongue and inwardly seethe. I feel a lot of compassion for him. For 5 weeks I have not had my anger spill out at the kids and I have been very patient. Yes, I get annoyed when things go wrong but then I think "What can I do differently?" and if there is nothing, then I accept.

So why am I writing? I feel good and bad at the same time. I feel good that I am no longer angry and bitter. I feel good that he is dry. I feel good that the children are in a better family home. I feel good that he is making a committment to go to counselling. I feel bad about the past behaviour I was willing to accept. Things were particularly nutty three years ago on both sides. Him drinking heavily, my shrieking and hysteria. I feel ashamed and guilt ridden about what my first child has seen when she was an infant. (I thought that it wasn't affecting her because she was too young to understand).

Nowadays, I feel sadness that I suspect my union with my husband will never progress beyond what it is now. It is unhappy but my thinking right now is that the children are too young (3 and 1) to be bounced around two households if there is no active alcoholism. Do I have to have a perfect marriage? I now think that word 'perfect' is alcoholic thinking. The all or nothing mentality.

My boundaries are as follows: no alcohol in the house and I never want to see him drunk again. I know he thinks it is about manipulation and control but I have put these in place for the children's protection and my sanity. If he crosses the boundary I will leave the marriage. Once again this is not a threat or an ultimatum. It simply is that I never want to see him drunk again. With the support of al-anon I think I can handle the marriage. However even if he stays a dry drunk, if I feel like I am losing my grip on my sanity, I will leave.

I have made it to 60 (10-13-08) and am thrilled that it was not as bad as expected.

I have read the Big Book 2x and have attended over 30 AA meetings.

I am not living one day at a time. For me, I put a stake in the ground and have moved forward without looking back or forward about ever drinking again. It is a mindset that works for me.

Constantly thinking about not drinking would drive me to drinking I believe. I have just removed the thought of drinking again out of my mind.

I just wanted to share my re-birthday with everyone.

Thanks, mac911

At a loose end tonight (on a Saturday night, sheesh...) and feeling a little sorry for myself. Thought I'd share here.

I'm fairly sure I'm near the end of my drinking days. 2 days sober today, in and out of AA for about 4-5 years, and finally starting to get it. But my yets were starting to be ticked off and I need to stop now.

Tonight I'm feeling confident in my sobriety (I mean about the next 24 hours) and am going to a meeting tomorrow lunchtime that I'm looking forward to. My specific blue feeling is: I've moved into a new house recently (about 2-3 months ago) and there's a new housemate here who is reeeally lovely. She showed every sign of being interested in me too, and she's basically my dream girl. But did I do anything about it? No. And why not? Honestly, deep down...because I wanted to drink, normally alone. Not an ideal mindset for winning someone's heart.

Now I'm 99.9% sure she doesn't know about my drinking. But because it's been my priority to drink above all, I just haven't played my cards right, and she's got dates with other guys galore...and I feel like I've just missed the boat.

I know this might sound stupidly petty to those who're suffering from the DTs or who went to jail etc. But this is just another example of drinking my life away so all these opportunities just pass me by. How often does one really meet "ideal" women? This girl was perfect for me but I've been more interested in...what? Sitting on my own in a dark room drinking wine. For some reason, I feel incredibly sad and lonely tonight reflecting on that. Not tempted to drink, not even worried about drinking; just sad.

In the long run, of course not drinking is the most important thing...plenty more fish in the sea and all that. I think this is more about sobering up, looking at my life, and asking myself: why? Why do I do this? When there are soooo many opportunities, great things I could be doing? The insanity of it has rarely felt clearer to me than right now.

And, also, more than ever...realising that unless I stop I won't ever be able to have a truly meaningful relationship, either with this girl or with anyone else.

In the early stages of my recovery I couldnÂ’t understand how criticism, positive or negative could help me grow in my healing from the disease of addiction. When I was criticizes automatically I went in to a defensive mode. Then came the game of war of words. Right after that came the anger and resentment towards whoever was giving out the criticism. When I felt attacked, I attack back. Sometimes the attack happens only in my mind as I indulge in resentments and fantasies of revenge. My reaction in the past to criticism was simple, Im from Brooklyn I donÂ’t get mad I get even. Today I know that healthy recovering people do not dwell in this type of thinking.

Working the steps, I had a light bulb moment. I started to understand why being criticize was such a big issue in my life. It came from my childhood. Unconsciously I acted out on life because of my childhood wounds. It is not only dysfunctional, it is ridiculous to maintain that what happened in my childhood did not affect my adult life. I had layers upon layers of denial, emotional dishonesty, buried trauma, unfulfilled needs, my heart was broken, my spirit was broken, my beliefs in a Higher Power wounded, I was shamefully criticized.

Some of the choices I made as adult were made in reaction to my childhood wounds. Working my program of recovery and uncovering the truth. I realize when I was being criticize I was reacting and acting out of anger from my childhood wounds. I was giving it the power to control my life. As I let go of my past personalities. I react to criticism with a complete different mindset and attitude.

I am leaning as I go through this journey, where the feelings of Restless, Irritable, and Discontent originated from. With the blessings I receive from working the steps of NA and the strength of my Higher Power. I can start forgiving myself and make amends to the ones I harm in the past. But most of all, I can forgive those who I trusted the most as a child.

In recovery, we say Principles before Personalities. Today I understand that statement with clarity.

Ivan

Keep Trying and Never Give Up!

Positive Actions:

Did you know that virtually everything in your physical world started in your internal world? The car you drive, the house you live in, the job you have, and the people you love all began as ideas, thoughts, or emotions. All of us are the end result of our thoughts put into action. The reason I believe this area to be the 'most important' is because your success or failure will depend almost entirely on your mental attitude. There will be defeats, challenges, and failures, but your mindset will take you from failure to success in an instant! Most of us have heard of these concepts before but we may not be sure how to apply them in real life. Let me share with you my five step plan for success in any area of life:

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Step 1 - Define what you want with absolute clarity - You must know what you want before you can go after it. More than just wanting a goal or ideal you must want and accept the feelings, emotions, thoughts, freedom and/or obligations that will certainly accompany your goals. Begin to think about why you want this thing, what it will mean to you and your loved ones.

1) What will meeting this goal look like, feel like, and how will it change your life?

2) Do you know what it will take to meet this objective?

3) What are the costs? Many times people want something but only think about the good things that will come from its attainment. You must be very honest about the sacrifice and hard work that will be required to attain this goal. Without question everything worthwhile will require sacrifice.

Step 2 - Commit to it with a 'burning desire' - Once you decide what you want you must absolutely commit to it with intense passion. You cannot just wish or merely hope for success. There are people everywhere that have hopes, idle curiosity, or wishes. You will never be able to make it through the difficult times of doubt, frustration, and failure if you are fueled only with hopes or wishes. You must want the attainment of your objective with a very strong desire and be unstoppable in your pursuit.

What is a burning desire? A burning desire is one that keeps you up at night and its thoughts will make you jump out of bed in the morning. It is a desire that drives the majority of your conscious thoughts and actions during the day. That is 'burning desire'. If you want to strengthen your desire and the likelihood of your success then write your goal down and speak it to yourself aloud at night before you retire and in the morning upon awakening. When you speak of your goal you should speak as though it has already occurred. Your mind does not know the difference between what you think and reality. Soon your mind will find new and creative ways to make your external world align with your internal world. When you reach this point, success is very near.

Step 3 - Always put action behind your desires - You must always be thinking of one thing: ACTION, ACTION, ACTION! Napoleon Hill once said that, "Faith without deeds is dead". You must act because only action will take the desire from your mind and transform it into reality. Think of all the things you must do to attain your goal and start doing them. Do not worry if they are small things or large things just start doing something right now!

1) Shouldn't I call XYZ company to get more information?

2) Do I need to re-read that section of that course collecting dust on my bookshelf?

3) Shouldn't I email ABC company to resolve my questions?

If you can get in the habit of doing five action items a day which relate to your goal you will be on your way. Your commitment to these items must be rock solid. The momentum of performing small tasks and continually accomplishing them will build your confidence and your certainty of success.

Step 4 - Measure the results of your actions -We have all heard of people with a lot motivation, desire, and action but strangely they never seem to get beyond their current position in life. The reason is that they are not reading the 'writing on the wall.' You must be able to step back from your actions and view the results with an unbiased eye. You must be honest and critical in order to determine if your actions are producing the desired result. Many times people become so focused on actions that they forget that it is not the act of doing something that is the prize, rather the result of the action is important. Use this checklist if you have been struggling with a problem or issue and no resolution seems likely:

1) Am I acting as effectively as I possibly can? - Ask yourself these questions: Are there other ways to accomplish what you want? Have I tried these other ways? What could I change about my approach to this issue? What is the weakest link my plan or methodology? What is really holding me back? When you find the true barrier to your success then simply brainstorm in your mind or the mind of others to search for an additional method to reach your objective. This method may seem very simplistic but don't dismiss it. Remember that once we rid ourselves, of the pain and worry of failure, the path our goals becomes a very precise methodology. This success methodology has been proven to work throughout time.

2) Have I tried to help others resolve their problems? - This may seem like the last thing in the world to some people especially when they are just trying to handle a complex, energy draining problem of their own. Regardless of what you may think it has been proven to me that helping others with their challenges has led me to my own answers. The reason, I believe is that most of the time we have the answers in our subconscious mind. When you take the time to help others you remove yourself (hopefully) from the clatter of your own mind. That 'clatter' is what keeps you from hearing the answer. Have you ever gone to bed with a question or problem in your mind and then awoke the next morning to find the answer awaits you? This is another example of your subconscious mind having or formulating the answer when your conscious mind stepped out of the way.

3) Have you spoken with people who have done what you are trying to do?Have you sought counsel from others who have been successful in this area? Many people forget that knowledge is perhaps the most available commodity in the world today. If we all live in the Information Age then why is it that we don't take advantage of the great volumes of information and the tremendous minds of the successful businesspeople, coaches, investors, financial analysts, lawyers, and others? I believe that information is not the hardest part of the equation to success. The hardest part is consistently applying this five-step process and perhaps Step 5 (detailed below).

4) Do you honestly believe you can attain your goals? - You must believe that you can attain your desires and goals. Are you doubtful of your ability to succeed? What do you say to yourself about your desires? Do you speak positive messages of success to yourself or do you engage in negative self-talk? Remember your mind will not know the difference between your internal and external realities. If you create the internal reality you desire then your external reality will change. You must learn to speak what you want to create everyday without fail. If you follow this step soon your imaginary world will become your reality.

Step 5 - Never Give Up on Your Goals No Matter the Obstacles - This is without a doubt the most important aspect of this list. If you know your objective is right for you and you believe in it then don't ever give up trying. They are very few people who have risen to the dizzying heights of success without constant persistence in the face of adversity and failure. The most interesting thing about this last step is that sometimes your persistence will lead to another goal and perhaps the real purpose for your life or the real desire in your heart. When you stay committed to a goal you will develop personal strength. Soon that strength will begin to show in how you conduct yourself: the certainty with which you speak, the quickness of your step, and the confidence in your decisions. As other people recognize these traits you will find even greater successes and opportunities as you go through life

Sadly, many people don't think about continued persistence in the face of failure or adversity. Quitting early becomes a habit and part of our comfort zone. Even worse is that sometimes we fail to realize that the greatest lesson come from each failure that we undergo. Likewise the greatest exercise of our determination will come when we continue to persevere in our goals after failure has occurred. This is where successful people and unsuccessful people usually differ the most: Successful people will still fail as much or more than anyone else but they have learned to transform their failures into triumphs, learn from defeat and try again.

What will you do with this information? Will you apply it in your life and reap the rewards? I sincerely hope that you do. Although I stated earlier that this is my formula for success it has been adapted from universal laws of achievement. In some form, or another this process has been used by every successful person in every endeavor, or pursuit imaginable. It does not matter if they realized it, or not, the actions which brought them lifelong sustained success followed this outline to some degree.

Remember that continued persistence in the face of failure is the most important lesson. To illustrate the importance of persistence consider that Thomas Edison, the inventor of the incandescent light bulb failed more than 10,000 times in his attempt to create the what would become the modern day light bulb. When speaking of his numerous failed attempts he said, "I had to succeed because I ran out of things that did not work." It sounds simple doesn't it? Edison had the formula and he applied it for the benefit of billions of people: Know what you want, want it with all the desire you can muster, measure your actions, and keep on trying until success finds you.

Darius M. Barazandeh

I Know it alittle long.. But hope you can get something out of it ..To help you along your way..
Have an awesome day everyone enjoy stay strong and think positive

Like other alcoholics I suffer from mood swings and depression at times. To counteract that, I have turned to my love of music as a form of therapy.

Listening to an inspirational song or just a good tune can alter my mindset and put the focus back to where it should be.

Whether it be music, sports, or any other hobby we should all have an outlet that can put us back into the proper frame of mind.

She's always been concerned about my drinking, which in my opinion is not that bad, but what alcoholic doesn't think like that right? =) I probably average 4-6 beers or a 1/2bottle -1bottle of red wine each night I drink. On average I drink 6 nights a week. I don't drink it fast. I will have the beers while I mow the lawn starting sat afternoon and have my last one later in the evening. I USED to drink a LOT more and have tried to really cut back to what I feel are reasonable/acceptable levels. She is right in saying that no normal person NEEDS to drink that much so often. I can't argue with that fact. I just enjoy it as any alcoholic would. She's of the mindset that if you want to have a drink you should have maybe 1-2 and that's it.

Anyway, she was giving me **** this morning about my cholesterol and saying "Gee, what do you think your doctor would say about the beer and your cholestorol?" And that pretty much started her rant, to which I always agree and say yes, I need to watch myself more closely. But today was the first time she used the word "alcoholism" with me. It was kind of a slap in the face, but was probably needed. I got defensive of course and my blood started to boil, but I kept telling myself that she's only saying these things because she loves me and doesn't want me to be sick or die. It does embarass me to think she talks about me like that to her mother, which I'm sure she does.

That being said, I'm a relatively healthy person, 31 years old, 195 lbs, 6'1" tall, good job, first kiddo is 9 months old, have a nice home in a nice town and just a great life all around. So why do I focus so much on the drink? Why do I get these giddy little sensations when I'm on my way home from work and I know I can kick back with a bottle of wine and watch my favorite show on TV? It's a sickness, I know. It's a mental obsession. I've felt that I can live a good life while still enjoying alcohol, not in excess though. But of course everyone's opinion of excess is different and clearly my wife feels I'm all ready there.

Just had to get that out.

Ya know... I have been thinking (I promise it doesn't happen often, but just occassionally a thought passes through) and it seems to me that one of our most common struggles as addicts, or those who have suffered by the addictions of others is a very low sense of self worth. We somehow feel we are undeserving of the peace that comes with the release of recovery. We beat ourselves up over our failures, and we feel worthless and inadequete. Surely because we -want- to make better choices then we should be immediately able to, and continued knocks or the inability to do this smashes about our self-esteem and leaves us feeling more and more battered and broken...

Most concerning to me I think is the prevailence of this in the Christian community. In some ways I think it makes it even harder for us addicts with faith in Christ. I mean, we know better... dont we? We have a saviour that we know loves us, we want to do better for him, to please him and it just makes sense that with the power of the Holy Spirit within us, overcoming an addiction should be dead simple... Right? And I believe that with this mindset, our contiued bad choices, or perceived failures to overcome not only batters our self worth but ALSO has an impact on our faith. We cannot possibly comphrehend the forgiveness of God, We picture the broken and bleeding body of Christ as he hung at Calvery and we see with clarity our sin in those nails, and guilt and shame threatens to overwhelm us, because surely our mistakes are so much worse then other Christians without addictions... Right? Wrong.... So very very wrong... No wonder our self worth can get so low...

On my baptism, One of my Pastors gifted me with a book that changed the way I feel about my faith, recovery and addiction. Its called "The Ragamuffin Gospel" and its written by Brennan Manning. I also have a copy of another of his books - "Abba's Child" and I highly recomend his work to any Christian, more specifically any struggling with addiction or low self worth. Im going to type a small excerpt and pray to God I don't get stung for breaking copyright, but as I say, this author and great teachers writings turned around my perception of the concept of The Grace of God. Grace is all we have to hang on to - as it was by his Grace we are saved.

Brennan Manning writes...
"Grace strikes us when we are in great pain and restlessness. It stikes us when we walk through the dark valley of a meaningless and empty life... It strikes us when year after year, the longed for perfection does not appear, when the old complusions reign within us as they have for decades, when dispair destroys all joy and courage. Sometimes at that moment a wave of light breaks into our darkness and it is though a voice were saying; 'You are accepted, You are accepted, You are accepted by that which is greater then you, and the name of which you do not know. Do not ask for the name now; perhaps you will find it later. Do not try to do anything for now; perhaps later you will do much. Do not seek for anything; do not perform anything; do not intend anything. Simply accept the fact you are accepted.' If that happens to us, we experience grace" (Paul Tillich)

Grace calls out; You are not just a disillusioned old man who may die soon, a middle aged woman stuck in a job and desperately wanting to get out, a young person feeling the fire in the belly begin to grow cold. You may be insecure, inadequate, mistaken, or potbellied. Death, panic, depression, and disillusionment may be near you. But you are not just that. You are accepted.

Never confuse your perception of yourself with the mystery that you really are accepted.

We all have been justified by grace through faith. We are accepted, we are loved. All our fears and failures matter not a wit, when we grasp the fact that we are accepted. Base your self-worth on this little revelation, not your own feelings of guilt and shame.

Walk in peace, walk in faith, through the grace of our mighty God - walk with him...

Blessings,
Gerts...

So I went back to that same meeting where the guy had discouraged people from joining his home group, and sure enough, the young girl was not there. So he got his wish, nobody joined. I haven't seen her at any meeting since that happened.

I have to let it go. If she really wants recovery, she'll try again. We all had to deal with some negativity from folks when we started recovery.

I guess the reason that I'm so mad about this particular incident is that she was soooo young. Not yet 16. If someone discourages me, for instance, I have enough life experiences in my mid-forties to take what they say with a grain of salt, hopefully. When I was 15, though, I was pretty suggestible. So that's why I have a resentment about this.

I'm writing on resentments. I'll have to put this on the list. Which means I have to pray for him, and try to let it go. I just don't want to pray for him and let it go right now. So that only hurts me, though, right?

I feel as though I can't let go of this until I say something to him about it, try to correct the mindset he has so it won't happen again. But I can't control that, can I? I'm not realistically gonna change a man with over 27 clean and in NA and still no recovery, am I? I feel helpless to improve this meeting.

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
and the wisdom to know the difference.

KJ:praying

Wow,
So I just realized tonight that I have over 60 days sober and I have never felt this good about life. God, I know that everybody hear has heard it time and again, but I too never thought I'd make it; I couldn't even imagine one day sober much less 60+ days. I have re-found my love for my work, I am meeting more people than I ever have - good people, building positive relationships and actually finding a love for life that I just never thought would/could ever exist for me. I don't normally keep track of "the days"; I learned early on that for me, that puts me in a dangerous mindset. Once I start thinking that I have x-days sober, I start thinking that I might not be sick, but I AM. I just keep putting in my work to recovery and living each day to it's fullest. I know I'm not out of the woods, I know I never will be. This disease will be with me my entire life. BUT, I don't have to die young, I can find beauty in life, and I too can be happy. When I think of all of the good stuff that's happened to me just in the past two months, I know that I'm finally heading down the right path. It does bring a tear to my eye at times and I just wanted to thank everyone here for their story, their faith, their receptive ears and their caring nature. And, I hate to sound like a broken record, but to everyone that thinks that their too young or too old, too far gone or not far gone enough, you CAN get help, you can find happiness, you can get well. You DO NOT have to die from this disease. Yes, for me, as I'm sure for many others, truly committing to step one is really hard, but TRUST ME, once you let go, you can start grabbing life. No, it sure as hell isn't easy, but it is definitely worth.

Thank you...everyone.