Drug Rehab Options Blog

The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.

The Pain Stops: when you are ready .

I am already glad I found you all. A year ago the Alzheimers forums were my life line (I was primary care giver for my grand father until he died), and I find myself once again unable to cope on my own.

I am 42, and have been drinking since I was 15 minus a few good years. I have always only been a 6pack at night, 12 pack on the weekends nights girl, no hiding booze or daytime drinking. I beat a gnarly meth addiction 15 years ago cold turkey on my own.

Many of my friends and family are binge/black out drinkers, and I am always the one trying to keep them safe and telling the stories the next day.

Last Saturday (12/27) it was my turn to over indulge. I had a party, woke up the next day with a hellacious headache, and heard a story from my 21 year old daughter. Someone I love very much came out to find me and her husband in a sexual situation, and I believe others who know and love us both were there and encouraging the behavior.

I feel like I will never be able to face myself in a mirror again. This is not me, this is not who I am. I dont remember any of it. I want to not believe it, but I do. I cant talk to my daughter without crying of the shame. I will never be able to face any of the people involved again.

The only way I can see a light anywhere at the end of this mess, the only hope I have, is that I will never drink again so that nothing like this EVER has a chance of happpening again.

I hurt so badly I could die

I am grateful when I am sober. But I forget everything when I've had a drink.

So here I am....

I am grateful

- for the intelligent mind that I know is still there. It is confused, it is bruised and parts of it are altered, but it's still there.

- for the person I married. I don't deserve him when I am drunk, but when I am sober I know I can give him the world.

- for the place that I call home, all it's beauty and the people that surround me.

- for the reflection in the mirror. I want to keep it, believe in it and be happy with it all the time.

- for friends, the ones I have left.

- I'm grateful for forgiveness. I need it.

Last night was hell. I knew I couldn't drink because of taking Antabuse. I had a very busy day of head & house cleaning and thought with only a couple days sobriety I could wear myself out physically to finally be able to sleep. Laid in that bed and my mind was spinning and my body couldn't relax. Couldn't focus even on one thought except what a waste my life has amounted to. Self loathing and memories (many of them) of being a failure and not being able to follow through with continuity in my life. The broken relationships and the time lost from boozing it up --- everything negative ran ramped in my mind. I don't know if I'll ever feel good about myself when I can't even face myself in the mirror -- really seeing me. I know the facades and wear them well but inside I am screaming!!! The pretty face that used to turn heads is now hard to even lift and look someone in the eye. I want this to get better but it seems like a nightmare that will never go away. I know you've felt this way too. Please share with me some of your thoughts and experiences so I feel "This Too Shall Pass"....

Another thing.... I just started on this website -- found it by accident. I'm having a hard time navigating through this thing!!! Is there anyone who can give me some step by step directions??? Am I allowed to post my e-mail address and get a someone's phone #??? Probably not. If you can help please let me know! Thanks!:skillet

I refer to them as nightmares since dreams have been more pleasant. Weird, I know. Anyway, I get the awful sweats (sometimes to the point that my hair is drenched) my breathing becomes more rapid and most of the time I wake up crying. I don't really remember anything about these nightmares other than my addiction being the dominating factor, it varies from my popping tons of pills, shooting, smoking or whatever to get my fix. I hate these nightmares and I often have a hard time letting myself sleep out of fear for another nightmare. I've talked with my counselor about these nightmares and she has told me on several occasions that its like a reminder of who I was, where I came from, who I am today and what I've gone through to get where I am today. I don't think I will ever forget the person I was and every day I look in the mirror I see who I am today and how far I've come in my recovery. Do the nightmares ever go away? I know each day in recovery is an achievement. I just want a little more piece of mind at night when I lay my head down. Does that piece of mind come with more time in recovery? Does it ever get better? Do the nightmares ever go away?

Are you wondering when the pain stops?
The Pain Stops: when you stop looking at the person you love as the person you love, and you begin to see them, not as a partner, a lover, or a best friend, but as a human being with the strengths and weaknesses and even the core of a child.

The Pain Stops: when you begin to accept that what you would do in a circumstance is not what they would do, and that no matter how much you try, they have to learn their own lessons, and they have to touch the stove when it's hot, just as you did, to learn that it is much better when it is cold.

The Pain Stops: when your longing for them gets slowly replaced by a desire to get away, when making love to them no longer makes you feel cherished, when you find yourself tired of waiting for the moments where the good will truly outweigh the bad, and when at the end of the day you can't count on their arms for comfort.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look inward and decide whether their presence is a gift or a curse, and whether when you need them, they cause more heartache than bliss.

The Pain Stops: when you realize that you deserve more than they offer and stop blaming them for being less than you wish. When the smile of a stranger seems more inviting and kind, and you remember what it's like to feel beautiful, and you remember how long it has been since your lover whispered something in your ear that only the two of you would know.

The Pain Stops: when you forgive them for their faults and forgive yourself for staying so long. When you know that you tried harder than you ever tried before, and you know in your heart that love should not be so much work.

The Pain Stops: when you start to look in the mirror and like who you see, and know that leaving them or losing them is no reflection of your beauty or your worth.

The Pain Stops: when the promise of a new tomorrow is just enough to start replacing the emptiness in your heart, and you start dreaming again of who you used to be and who you will become.

The Pain Stops: when you say goodbye to what never really was, and accept that somewhere in the fog you may or may not have been loved back. And you promise yourself never again to lay in arms that don't know how to cherish the kindness in your heart.


The Pain Stops: When you are ready.



Letting Go

To 'let go' does not mean to stop caring,
it means I can't do it for someone else.

To 'let go' is not to cut myself off,
it's the realization I can't control another.

To 'let go' is not to enable.
but to allow learning from natural consequences.

To 'let go' is to admit powerlessness,
which means the outcome is not in my hands.

To 'let go' is not to try to change or blame another,
It's to make the most of myself.

To 'let go' is not to 'care for',
but to 'care about'.

To 'let go' is not to fix,
but to be supportive.

To 'let go' is not to judge,
but to allow another to be a human being.

To 'let go' is not to be in the middle arranging all the outcomes,
but to allow others to affect their destinies.

To 'let go' is not to be protective,
it's to permit another to face reality.

To 'let go' is not to nag, scold, or argue,
but to search out my own shortcomings and correct them.

To 'let go' is not to adjust everything to my desires,
but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.

To 'let go' is not to criticize and regulate anybody,
but to try to become what I dream I can be.

To 'let go' is not to regret the past,
but to grow and live for the future.

To 'let go' is to fear less,
and to love more.

What Addicts Do
My name's Jon. I'm an addict. And this is what addicts do. You cannot nor will not change my behavior. You cannot make me treat you better, let alone with any respect. All I care about, all I think about, is my needs and how to go about fufilling them. You are a tool to me, something to use. When I say I love you I am lying through my teeth, because love is impossible for someone in active addiction. I wouldn't be using if I loved myself, and since I don't, I cannot love you.

My feelings are so pushed down and numbed by my drugs that I could be considered sociopathic. I have no empathy for you or anyone else. It doesn't faze me that I hurt you, leave you hungry, lie to you, cheat on you and steal from you.

My behavior cannot and will not change until i make a decison to stop using/drinking and then follow it up with a plan of action.

And until I make that decsion, I will hurt you again and again and again.

Stop being surprised.

I am an addict. And that's what addicts do.
__________________

I am a functional alcoholic...but getting less and less so every weekend I drink. I make it to work and I don't drink in the morning only on the weekends.

I (used to) pour wine at grocery stores for people to taste. Something I really loved. Whatever was left over I got to take home. So this past Friday I had 11 left over bottles of wine. I went to my boyfriend's sister's house and started drinking on a totally empty stomach. I blacked out pretty fast. I don't remember anything from about 10pm Friday to 4pm on the next Saturday. That is the most saturated I have ever been. While I was blacked out I texted my boyfriend to move out, which he did. I don't even know why I did that.

I think when I search myself, I think that I couldn't bear for him to see me like this, again. He is not a big drinker and I've been walking this tight rope with him for 2 years. I don't think he realized what a huge problem I was having. So now he is gone and I am coming up from my rock bottom, scared and so ready to leave that behind.

I have had so much problem with alcohol. My dad was a huge drunk. I've had an MIP and two DUIIs, but they were 16 years apart so I didn't get in the big big trouble that you usually get in when you get two.

But this weekend I feel that I drank enough to almost kill myself. Here it is Tuesday and I'm just starting to feel like it's out of me. I feel strong right now that I never want to drink again, I can't. My boyfriend will not come back until I actually do what I say I'm going to do (we've been through it a couple times.) I will lose everything if I don't succeed. And I have so much to lose. I'm so afraid that on the weekend, my big trigger, comes around that's when it gets tough.

I am an alcoholic. I cannot drink. I cannot take that first one because then I'm a goner, because I don't seem to be able to stop until I am blacked out. That makes me feel so sad about myself. I look in the mirror at this beautiful and intelligent woman and to think of me blacked out drunk just makes me sick.

So, that's where I am. Thanks for having this site, truly because I need to start getting this out now. I have found an AA meeting that I can make it to everyday and I'm working for that 30 day coin. It is a precious treasure I have to have. THen the 60, 90 one year. I'm actually quite excited.

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the otherÂ’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

— Derek Wolcott