Archive for the ‘Misfortune’ tag
Gratitude List - Vigorous Honesty
First of all, I'm grateful to be alive and breathing. I'm thankful for disaster for bringing me this accident. I'm thankful for misfortune, for now I think I'm fortunate. I'm grateful to have found recovery. I'm thankful I found this website, because I need constant support. I'm thankful to have met the people I have this time, on my second tour of duty. I'm thankful that I have great friends who aren't pressuring me to use. I'm thankful that I have a great we already, even though it's only been 4 days. I'm thankful for NA. I'm thankful for the Steps.
Last but never least, I'm thankful to be clean another day.
Last but never least, I'm thankful to be clean another day.
Freedom From Myself
In my battle of alcoholism, I wallowed, I sulked, I stewed. I was filled with anger and resentments and always had good reason to point and blame. I felt justified in my anger and felt as if the world had dealt me a bad hand. Why, me? Poor, me? I proudly stood beneath my self proclaimed dark cloud never thinking to step away from the shadow. My family was far from the Cleaver family. The sounds of yelling and screaming could easily be heard over the sounds of happiness and joy. Affection was the exception not the norm. Needles to say, I am a product of my environment, but aren't we all?
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
Divorced and coming from an abusive marriage, I packaged every ounce of dysfunction and pain and carried it with me everywhere I'd go. It was my baggage. I earned it by gawd and I wasn't letting it go. I suffered fear, anguish and guilt. My confidence was reduced to nil and I lost any amount of esteem I ever managed to conjure. I drifted into a deep depression and drank to escape the pain and the memories and the anger. Drinking never helped me to escape anything, but it surely kept me bound to my misfortune and helped intensify it. It took me years and years of suffering, in the same ole pattern, before figuring it out. How can that be? It is so obvious now, but I was blind to it then, puzzling.
My drinking escalated to the point of if I didn't stop, I would die. Death being a strong motivator, I took the steps I needed to stop drinking. What a battle I entered into. I knew nothing about sobriety, I was addicted and my main goal each day was to obtain alcohol and drink it. I achieved my goals daily, so to stop, was torture. I made it though, thank goodness and I'm eternally grateful to be free from the obsession of alcohol. Now that I am free, I do not enter into the idea of drinking again. I don't think I could make it back alive. Yes, I failed along the way, a few times, but when the dying part took front seat, I tried harder until I got it right. I wanted an easy way out. That is what I expected, easy. I wanted to will myself to stop and it would happen. I grew to understand that if you want or need something badly enough, it takes work, hard work, nothing comes easy. Why should trying to save my life be easy? It wasn't.
One thing I learned is you don't just declare to the world that you are quitting drinking and all is good and well. Drinking is merely a symptom of our problems. I grabbed onto a program and it helped me along the way. I did many things I didn't want to do. I fought and ridiculed it every stop. I pronounced their way stupid and voiced that their way would never help me. Why I put up such a fight? I really don't know. I guess it was in my nature. I reluctantly did what they said and surprise of all surprises, it worked.
I lived in fear before. Today, I live in hope. I believe that no matter what I will face the strength to get through lies ahead. It has worked for over 4 years, I don't know why it would change now? I have found my self esteem, my confidence and myself, my new self. Most importantly, I found my soul. I swear that it was shrouded by the darkness of alcoholism. Eliminating the booze has opened up a path to the light. I know peace and I know joy. Something I never thought possible. I was used to feeling negative emotions that positive ones never drifted my way. They couldn't get through. I wouldn't let them. Negative begets negative. It isn't a wonder that the dark cloud found its way directly over my head. The truth of the matter is, I conjured that cloud and neatly placed it above. Most of my pain was by my own hand. That is a harsh reality to accept, but once we do so, we can begin to heal.
What I have grown to understand is that we have to heal from within. Face our demons and rid ourselves from its grasp. Our past is a part of who we are, but many of us are directed by our past and can't move away from it. It can keep us tortured and wounded. We must move forward and sort through our past. It rids of us our resentments and anger. I still get angry, but I don't choose to pack it around with me long after the fact.. Why bother and who needs it?
These are a few things I've learned in my recovery. I am not the same person that I was years ago. I hope to continue to grow. The biggest thing I learned in Sobriety 101 is you just don't wake up sober one day and all is well. It takes work, lots and lots of work, real to the core kind of stuff. I was seeking freedom and the biggest lesson I had to learn was that I needed freedom from myself, my wounded self. That is how we find strength, move forward and grow emotionally and spiritually. Taking a good look in the mirror I see a different being. Before, I couldn't bare to look in the mirror. Today, I see a smiling face. Corny, I know, but I'm happy to be able to say that.
Review your Fears Thoroughly
You will notice that the word fear is bracketed alongside the difficulties with Mr. Brown, Mrs. Jones, your employer, and your wife. This short word somehow touches about every aspect of our lives. It is an evil and corroding thread; the fabric of our existence is shot through with it. It sets in motion trains of circumstances which bring us misfortune we feel we don't deserve. But did not we, ourselves, set the ball rolling? Sometimes we think fear ought to be classed with stealing as a sin. It seems to cause more trouble.
Review your fears thoroughly. Put them on paper, even though you have no resentment in connection with them. Ask yourself why you have them. Isn't it because self-reliance has failed you? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For you are now to go on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. You are to trust infinite God rather than your finite self. You are in the world to play the role he assigns. Just to the extent that you do as you think He would have you, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable you to match calamity with serenity.
You must never apologize to anyone for depending upon your Creator. You can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. Never apologize for God. Instead let Him demonstrate, through you, what He can do. Ask Him to remove your fear and direct your attention to what He would have you be. At once, you will commence to outgrow fear.
Review your fears thoroughly. Put them on paper, even though you have no resentment in connection with them. Ask yourself why you have them. Isn't it because self-reliance has failed you? Self-reliance was good as far as it went, but it didn't go far enough. Some of us once had great self-confidence, but it didn't fully solve the fear problem, or any other. When it made us cocky, it was worse.
Perhaps there is a better way - we think so. For you are now to go on a different basis; the basis of trusting and relying upon God. You are to trust infinite God rather than your finite self. You are in the world to play the role he assigns. Just to the extent that you do as you think He would have you, and humbly rely on Him, does He enable you to match calamity with serenity.
You must never apologize to anyone for depending upon your Creator. You can laugh at those who think spirituality the way of weakness. Paradoxically, it is the way of strength. The verdict of the ages is that faith means courage. All men of faith have courage. They trust their God. Never apologize for God. Instead let Him demonstrate, through you, what He can do. Ask Him to remove your fear and direct your attention to what He would have you be. At once, you will commence to outgrow fear.
How do others treat you / residual depression
Was wondering about other people's experience here. Not everyone has a great support network or is so understanding to those of us who have been in love with or love an addict.
I have found some of my friends and family turn angry on me because I was trying to help him. They have been cruel in their criticism against me in my choice in a man calling me stupid, ignorant etc. Then the addicts family is completely in love with him - he can do no wrong../.and I got blamed from their side because he is an addict. They blamed his ex too.
I am no longer with him but I had to walk away. Even when he was not in my life anymore the people in my life were downright cruel.
i am in therapy and on antidepressants. Its a lonely existence. I make myself go out to exercise walk the dogs and looking for a new job - trying to stay busy. Go to movies and bookstores alone if I have to...I have reached out but its been tough since my trust in people has been broken
I want to know if I am the only one who has experienced this reaction from family and or friends...
have you gotten pretty down in the dumps and feel like you are just existing?
I know I have all this love and went above and beyond for him and for others././somehow I end up alone and abandoned.
Just feel so damned sad. The counselor says this is normal esp since the woman he cheated on me with committed suicide. I found a blog he left to her saying he misses her...he only knew her 3 wks. It was tough to read. I helped him through that all and I guess i am just now feeling the pain. Its horrible.
im sorry to complain. Its just always criticism from the way I drive to the way I dress from my kids.//and thats typical but not nice...and even though the rest are being rude and seem to revel in my misfortune, they dont have to be cruel.
I have found some of my friends and family turn angry on me because I was trying to help him. They have been cruel in their criticism against me in my choice in a man calling me stupid, ignorant etc. Then the addicts family is completely in love with him - he can do no wrong../.and I got blamed from their side because he is an addict. They blamed his ex too.
I am no longer with him but I had to walk away. Even when he was not in my life anymore the people in my life were downright cruel.
i am in therapy and on antidepressants. Its a lonely existence. I make myself go out to exercise walk the dogs and looking for a new job - trying to stay busy. Go to movies and bookstores alone if I have to...I have reached out but its been tough since my trust in people has been broken
I want to know if I am the only one who has experienced this reaction from family and or friends...
have you gotten pretty down in the dumps and feel like you are just existing?
I know I have all this love and went above and beyond for him and for others././somehow I end up alone and abandoned.
Just feel so damned sad. The counselor says this is normal esp since the woman he cheated on me with committed suicide. I found a blog he left to her saying he misses her...he only knew her 3 wks. It was tough to read. I helped him through that all and I guess i am just now feeling the pain. Its horrible.
im sorry to complain. Its just always criticism from the way I drive to the way I dress from my kids.//and thats typical but not nice...and even though the rest are being rude and seem to revel in my misfortune, they dont have to be cruel.
