Drug Rehab Options Blog

It's been more than 5 months since my XAH and I separated and still I find myself wishing he would contact me and ask to come back. I know I was miserable the way I was living with his drinking behaviour, but I keep longing for the man he used to be. In my fantasy, he calls me up, tells me he's finally given up drinking and realized that he lost the best thing he ever had and wants to come back. Even though he stopped calling several months ago, I still feel like it's hard to move on. I was the one who asked him to leave, which he reminded me of several times, and basically said that I got what I asked for. But it's not that I ever wanted him to leave....I wanted the other woman (the bottle) to leave. The bottle won out. Does anyone out there ever have these kind of mixed feelings? And if so, what do you do when the sadness and regret hits you?

He admitted to me on the phone that the day he was real messed up, got fired from him job and ultimately kicked out of our home that he had take 40 to 50 50mg demerol, I forget how many merergan fortis and klonopin. He said he was so ashamed of coming back here to me under the impression that he had clean for a year and then me finding out it was a big fat lie pushed him over the edge. He's surprised he's alive and so am I.
I didn't put him on my insurance for the upcoming year but reminded him he was still insured until the end of December and encouraged rehab. I told him that I would work as much extra at the hospital as I could (which is not much, with the economy the way it is people don't come to the hospital because they don't have insurance) that I would pay his child support and student loan until he got out. He sounded like he was going to go admitting he needed help. But, he said I have to think about it. Today, I texted him to see what he decided and he said no for many addict reasonings. I told him that I wished him well but that today would be the last time we speak again. I changed both of my telephone numbers (never went that far in the past 11 yrs). I also blocked him for my email. I have mixed feelings of relief and anger. He said , when I offered rehab and taking care of his bills " I wish you didn't love me so much". Not sure why he said that!!

I have been considering a couple work options lately, but have mixed feelings because of how they would affect my sobriety. One of them I would be working out of town for weeks at a time, doing grueling 12 hour shifts for 2 weeks or more in a row then having the same amount of time off (when I could come home and have the AA support I have here). This will be a stressful environment... I will only work at a dry site with drug testing... but this is a job sector that is notorious for drug abuse. Another job will probably give me better people to be around (pretty much guaranteed there won't be the same drug element), but I will likely have to move pretty far away from my home. I could get a job at home for much less pay and get more technical training, but life here feels pretty bleak too... I've lived here my whole life, but outside of AA I don't have much family or friends keeping me here. It seems like apart from sobriety, I have no priorities or responsibilities (I am "free" you could say), so there is nothing to stop me. I won't need to make this decision for several months yet, but lately it's been on my mind.

In twelve hours time I will hit the 96 hours sober, and although i have done this many times before if you have read my other post 'My heartfelt thanks' it's because tis time was different.
I make a point of the 96 hours as from my understanding it's the average time it takes the body to detox (I understand that this varies massively for many people).

I awoke this morning after five hours sleep, which sounds not very much, I know, but after only getting 3 hours in the preceding 72 was heaven, given my pillow was soaked, but it was a deep sleep without any bad dreams.

I have mixed feelings about the day ahead, I know I won't have the urge to drink when at home but am dreading my first shoot (I am a cameraman) as the crew always want's to go drinking afterwards.
I think for the first month I will make my excuses but eventually I am going to have to face my demons and be able to go with them and order an orange juice and sparkling water.

Well early days here, and thanks for your support.

"Today is a new day, full of endless possibilities."

My ABF got out of bed at a reasonable time this morning, around 9:30 am. He is still jobless, but got dressed in nice dress slacks and a white polo. He received a phone call from a tree company that wants to trek to Louisianna to help with the hurricane aftermath.

I have such mixed feelings about this, but am trying to let him make his own decisions, because after all this is his life. I told him that I was concerned that this could just be a 3-4 week job and he could be right back where he was. It is the beginning of October. I am due in 8 weeks to have our baby girl.

I have very few friends in the area. My co-workers are proving to be more supportive than him or his family as far as this baby is concerned. And now, to top it off, he's leaving to go 4 hours away to make money.

I know his problem is not mine, and that I can't control it----but I am afraid of what him going out of town can do to him. He has been trying to stay sober (and failing miserably). Last night I worked at night and came home to a buzzed man and four mysterious 16 oz beer cans in the garbage, which he tried to hide.

I'm glad he's trying to be supportive financially, but I'm angry that he doesn't see it as a problem that I'll be all alone during this last leg. I can't help but wonder if this is preparation for a lifetime of being a single mother.

So many people have told me that leaving should be a no brainer. He is constantly without a job and didn't even want the baby to begin with. Right now I have health insurance that will completely pay for the baby's birth. If I go home to my parents (1700 miles) I wouldn't have that, but I'd have lots of love.

Yesterday I went to the doctor for a consultation and told him I wanted it documented that I thought he had a drug and alcohol problem to protect me and the baby should I leave and there was a custody battle. The doctor told me to run for the hills.

I know no one can tell me what to do. I want to thank you all for listening though. Between "blogging" daily and talking to my parents daily it is quite possibly some of the best therapy that I can get for free! :)

Tomorrow I am not backing out of Al-Anon. I know that I need to go. That I need that support. I just hope they're like all of you have been!