Archive for the ‘Mom And Dad’ tag
The Recovery Tree
I sit here and admire the Christmas tree. A tree that reflects 29 years of our family..Some of the ornaments are "hand-me" downs from family members long past. It’s the "special decorations that I look for. Tiny little hands that made this one, for mom and dad. Not something I would buy, but one worth any price; from kids’s of Christmases past.
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
They are all in my heart. The lights shine bright as they "race" in their programmed sequence. I remember when they just shone so bright…all through the night…and who could ever for get the bubble lights… But time moves on … the tinsel laid with such care …except way in the back where "who sees there anyhow" . The garland of colors, to enhance but not to overpower…the tree grows fuller year-by-year, with ornaments and memories.
And the gifts so many… The kids swear they never saw the numbers like that abound…to hear them tell it there was but one gift as children they had to share…could it be that gift was Love?
This year has been special…So many gifts…So many Thank-you’s on the labels…The tree is so fine…so much joy in the heart and in the mind…
But in another corner of my mind I see the glimmer of another tree. Not quite so pretty…but so dear you see. It’s my own special Recovery Tree. A tree of which I would like to say that grows each year…but the truth be told, there were some years which it diminished in size and a couple years it almost went away altogether. Now the tinsel is somewhat different…for it came from the "less than "store…to remind me of what once was…The ornaments are strange too...For the reflections tend to be distorted…I have to look very deeply to see who’s there…you and me…and who’s that there? Someone from the past…or deep from a glass…Each one has to be looked at to fully appreciate - the mysteries held inside…My tree is bigger than the year of last, for takes twelve steps to circle it round…then …you can start again… Though the ornaments seem dim and tarnished…each one tells a story…a story of recovery and what it takes to make this for me…just for today.
But what makes this tree so special are the Gifts …so many…wrapped in gold and silver…of ribbons of such colors…and within in them are Hope…Faith…Love …Forgiveness …Fellowship…oh so many…and Serenity…that’s special…But wait there are no Labels!!!…Who’s to get what and how many??? I’ve been told and I know it’s true…these gifts are to be given...to be gotten…for as we give, we receive…now isn’t that a strange lot…But then the recovery tree is indeed…uncommon …
So this year …as years gone by in the past…I have two trees…both in my heart…so on Christmas morn. Join me in gathering round the trees…so warm… may even find a cup of hot cocoa or ice tea…depends on the weather…and we can welcome that special day…as we unwrap our presents…. and give presents toothers,together. May you have Love and Peace that passes this ones understanding….
would you like to take a second and share a few of your recovery presents?
:Xmasmc
What Christmas meant to me growing up
I want to share this for those in here who are in the midst of a relationship with an alcoholic who have children in their homes.
Both my parents were alcoholics. We didn't see my father much because he worked night shift most of my life. We saw him mostly on weekends and holidays.
Weekends and holidays came to mean mom and dad got drunk which usually meant fights. From the time I was very little, somewhere under 5, I knew mom and dad being around together meant drunkeness and anger. Now mom was drunk a whole lot of the time on other days, mind you but that was differnent. Mom drunk on her own was maulding and crying. Mom drunk and dad drunk together was a storm waiting to erupt.
My brothers and I talked about how the victim of the day would get chosen by dad when he was drunk. He always needed a target for his anger.
Most of the time it was mom and she frequently wore the bruises as evidence. Of course she never admitted those bruises were from dad's fists. I guess a polite charade went on and we kids didn't admit to knowing dad had hit her, that we heard it all.
Then of course there were the other times when the vicitm of the day was me or one of my brothers. I don't remember how old I was the first time I was the victim but I suspect it was before I was 10. I don't remember what mom did those times one of us kids were beaten. I have blocked the memories to this day and I'm now almost 54.
I do clearly remember the last time my father hit me. It was Christmas eve and I was 13. He hit me so hard I was unconsicous for a brief period of time. When I came to, Dad was standing over me, ready to hit me again yelling at me about faking being knocked out. I somehow pushed him out of my way when I stood and told him I would call the cops if he came near me, touched me again. I remember the look of shock on his face too. He believed me. He never did hit me again.
Anyway the point of all this rambling story is that from as early as I can remember, Christmas meant drunkenness, fighting, violence, and tears. I have no happy childhood memories of opening presents. I have no memories of a happy family gathering for a shared dinner and Christmas joy (although my older brother tells me they did happen). For me Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter) will always be associated with drunkeness and anger.
Your children see more than you give them credit for. Children are little sponges absorbing everything around them. Even if you don't have the violence in your homes that was in mine, your children are learning from you and your A everyday. They are storing away every incident. They are, underneath it all, wondering what they did wrong, how they caused it. I know I did.
I am now building happier Christmas memories and have been for many years. I love this season of giving and love. But underneath it all, the young girl who hated holidays is still there inside me, hating Christmas because of what it was like back then. Those experiences run awfully deep.
Both my parents were alcoholics. We didn't see my father much because he worked night shift most of my life. We saw him mostly on weekends and holidays.
Weekends and holidays came to mean mom and dad got drunk which usually meant fights. From the time I was very little, somewhere under 5, I knew mom and dad being around together meant drunkeness and anger. Now mom was drunk a whole lot of the time on other days, mind you but that was differnent. Mom drunk on her own was maulding and crying. Mom drunk and dad drunk together was a storm waiting to erupt.
My brothers and I talked about how the victim of the day would get chosen by dad when he was drunk. He always needed a target for his anger.
Most of the time it was mom and she frequently wore the bruises as evidence. Of course she never admitted those bruises were from dad's fists. I guess a polite charade went on and we kids didn't admit to knowing dad had hit her, that we heard it all.
Then of course there were the other times when the vicitm of the day was me or one of my brothers. I don't remember how old I was the first time I was the victim but I suspect it was before I was 10. I don't remember what mom did those times one of us kids were beaten. I have blocked the memories to this day and I'm now almost 54.
I do clearly remember the last time my father hit me. It was Christmas eve and I was 13. He hit me so hard I was unconsicous for a brief period of time. When I came to, Dad was standing over me, ready to hit me again yelling at me about faking being knocked out. I somehow pushed him out of my way when I stood and told him I would call the cops if he came near me, touched me again. I remember the look of shock on his face too. He believed me. He never did hit me again.
Anyway the point of all this rambling story is that from as early as I can remember, Christmas meant drunkenness, fighting, violence, and tears. I have no happy childhood memories of opening presents. I have no memories of a happy family gathering for a shared dinner and Christmas joy (although my older brother tells me they did happen). For me Christmas (and every other holiday for that matter) will always be associated with drunkeness and anger.
Your children see more than you give them credit for. Children are little sponges absorbing everything around them. Even if you don't have the violence in your homes that was in mine, your children are learning from you and your A everyday. They are storing away every incident. They are, underneath it all, wondering what they did wrong, how they caused it. I know I did.
I am now building happier Christmas memories and have been for many years. I love this season of giving and love. But underneath it all, the young girl who hated holidays is still there inside me, hating Christmas because of what it was like back then. Those experiences run awfully deep.
Opinions on a couple things please
I currently have a civil protection order against my ah. I went and got it because he was harassing me over the phone saying that I should expect a surprise visit in 30 minutes. He was also threatening to move back into the house. I know some of it doesnt sound serious. But he has an anger problem and is angry at me because we have a child support hearing comming up. He also has a history of using intimidation and is verbally abusive in front of other people and the kids. I'd like to think that he would never go any farther than what he has but I dont know.
Having said all that Im considering droping it because of the kids. I have made it clear that I will not tolerate him contacting us when he is drinking and he is not to be drinking when he has custody of the kids. But if I have the CPO then that means his mom and dad will be the ones to pick the kids up or drop them off. I wouldnt see him and his parents would never say anything about his drinking. I can always tell if he is drinking though and dont put it past him to take them to another beer party. So while I know that I would be putting myself back in an unpredictable situation, I would rather that than unknowingly send them to stay with a drunk dad.
The other thing is how do you help a child set up boundaries with an alcoholic parent. I want my son to know that his dad drinking while he is with him is not ok. He is 6 and he understands that his dad drinking is not a good thing. I dont want to alienate my son from his dad, but safety is a huge concern. My 2 year old will also be there as well. I am working to teach him my cell number so he can call if he needs anything too. I'm just not sure how to talk to him about the other stuff. I would appreciate any opinions. Thanks!
Having said all that Im considering droping it because of the kids. I have made it clear that I will not tolerate him contacting us when he is drinking and he is not to be drinking when he has custody of the kids. But if I have the CPO then that means his mom and dad will be the ones to pick the kids up or drop them off. I wouldnt see him and his parents would never say anything about his drinking. I can always tell if he is drinking though and dont put it past him to take them to another beer party. So while I know that I would be putting myself back in an unpredictable situation, I would rather that than unknowingly send them to stay with a drunk dad.
The other thing is how do you help a child set up boundaries with an alcoholic parent. I want my son to know that his dad drinking while he is with him is not ok. He is 6 and he understands that his dad drinking is not a good thing. I dont want to alienate my son from his dad, but safety is a huge concern. My 2 year old will also be there as well. I am working to teach him my cell number so he can call if he needs anything too. I'm just not sure how to talk to him about the other stuff. I would appreciate any opinions. Thanks!
Update on my life
I can't sleep due to the time change and a cold so I thought I would do an update. I have been reading SR but I have not been posting much, I'm not too sure what that is about.
This last 2 months have been a trying time in my life.
First, my Mom fell and badly broke her arm. She is 68 and I am her only child. My step-dad (the only dad I have ever really had) is 82 and has had 2 strokes, so he can't really care for her.
She fell and broke her arm 5 days before hurricane Ike hit. My house is only 2 miles from Galveston bay. I was at their house 50 miles away for the hurricane. It was the worst night of my life. I have had MANY bad detox nights over the years, but nothing compared to that night. The electricity went out about 1am and about 2 am it got very very loud outside. I got my Mom up and dressed and got my dad up. I put them each in a chair with extra pillows incase something came through the roof. My dad was really nervous and could not be quiet. I ended up giving him 1/2 a xanax. (FYi....Xanax was my drug of choice). I was not even tempted to use that night. I'm very clear that is only by God's grace. As it got louder I had the thought that if anything happened (tree through the roof, or the roof being blown off) that I could only save one of them. It was a horrible thought.
Finally it got light and I have never been so grateful for light in my entire life. The yard was a mess. You could not even drive down the roads due to trees down. It looked like a war zone. We stayed at their house all day with no electricity and boy was it HOT. That evening my husband came over to their house and we drove them to my grandfathers. We were being told it could be 2 months before electricity was restored.
My Mom still needed surgery which had been postponed due to the storm. So I drove her back to Houston for surgery and left my dad with my 90 year old grandfather. I knew I could not take care of my Mom and dad and am very grateful that my grandfather and his wife took care of my dad.
This whole time I am in control of my Mom's pain meds (my second drug of choice) and her Xanax.
After her 1st surgery we went back to her house where electricity had been restored. I live 50 miles from her and was driving back and forth alot. It was not hard to be there for the first 3 weeks because my house did not have electricity.
For 2 weeks I had no idea what had happened to my house. They would not let anyone in the town where I live (Seabrook, Tx). I saw my husband occasionally and I sure missed him. I figured out at one point that I had slept in 7 different places over 10 days! :eek:
(Someone told me that once you get sober you were supposed to STOP sleeping around LOL)
My Mom started to get better and I was able to spend one weekend at home alone with my hubby. Boy was that nice.
Then the next time I took her to the doctor he immediatly put her in the hospital and did surgery on her arm again. She had an infection and he had to go in and clean it out. So I was back taking care of my dad again. She was in the hospital for 6 days. He does not do well without her around.
After she got out of the hospital I brought them back to my house. I was missing way too many meetings and I am in college. So they have now been here for over 3 weeks. She is on IV antibiotics that I am in charge of. She has 5 more weeks of that.
Needless to say my life has been turned upside down.
My house had some damage from the storm but had NO WATER in it. THANK YOU GOD!!! About 90% of our neighborhood flooded. I can't tell you how grateful I am that we had so little damage. Our neighborhood looked like a war zone. There are still people living in tents in their yards. God bless them.
I write all of this to get it out and to let you all know that I am still clean and sober and it is totally by GOD'S GRACE. I am in awe of His power.
There are still Xanax, Lortab, Norco etc. in my house and I have NO desire to use. WOW! I never thought that could happen.
While giving my Mom her medicine one day the thought came to my mind "They are not your pills" That is NOT my thought, that is straight from God. It never mattered whose name was on a pill bottle. I would take them. In my mind they were ALWAYS mine. What a difference 22 months makes!
I am so grateful to my HP and my homegroup, my sponsor and to all of you. If I was not clean and sober I would not be able to take care of my parents. I honestly do not know what would happen to them.
I used daily for 15 years. I am now 655 days sober. I am here to tell you that if I can get clean and sober ANYONE can.
Thanks for reading this LONG post! :)
This last 2 months have been a trying time in my life.
First, my Mom fell and badly broke her arm. She is 68 and I am her only child. My step-dad (the only dad I have ever really had) is 82 and has had 2 strokes, so he can't really care for her.
She fell and broke her arm 5 days before hurricane Ike hit. My house is only 2 miles from Galveston bay. I was at their house 50 miles away for the hurricane. It was the worst night of my life. I have had MANY bad detox nights over the years, but nothing compared to that night. The electricity went out about 1am and about 2 am it got very very loud outside. I got my Mom up and dressed and got my dad up. I put them each in a chair with extra pillows incase something came through the roof. My dad was really nervous and could not be quiet. I ended up giving him 1/2 a xanax. (FYi....Xanax was my drug of choice). I was not even tempted to use that night. I'm very clear that is only by God's grace. As it got louder I had the thought that if anything happened (tree through the roof, or the roof being blown off) that I could only save one of them. It was a horrible thought.
Finally it got light and I have never been so grateful for light in my entire life. The yard was a mess. You could not even drive down the roads due to trees down. It looked like a war zone. We stayed at their house all day with no electricity and boy was it HOT. That evening my husband came over to their house and we drove them to my grandfathers. We were being told it could be 2 months before electricity was restored.
My Mom still needed surgery which had been postponed due to the storm. So I drove her back to Houston for surgery and left my dad with my 90 year old grandfather. I knew I could not take care of my Mom and dad and am very grateful that my grandfather and his wife took care of my dad.
This whole time I am in control of my Mom's pain meds (my second drug of choice) and her Xanax.
After her 1st surgery we went back to her house where electricity had been restored. I live 50 miles from her and was driving back and forth alot. It was not hard to be there for the first 3 weeks because my house did not have electricity.
For 2 weeks I had no idea what had happened to my house. They would not let anyone in the town where I live (Seabrook, Tx). I saw my husband occasionally and I sure missed him. I figured out at one point that I had slept in 7 different places over 10 days! :eek:
(Someone told me that once you get sober you were supposed to STOP sleeping around LOL)
My Mom started to get better and I was able to spend one weekend at home alone with my hubby. Boy was that nice.
Then the next time I took her to the doctor he immediatly put her in the hospital and did surgery on her arm again. She had an infection and he had to go in and clean it out. So I was back taking care of my dad again. She was in the hospital for 6 days. He does not do well without her around.
After she got out of the hospital I brought them back to my house. I was missing way too many meetings and I am in college. So they have now been here for over 3 weeks. She is on IV antibiotics that I am in charge of. She has 5 more weeks of that.
Needless to say my life has been turned upside down.
My house had some damage from the storm but had NO WATER in it. THANK YOU GOD!!! About 90% of our neighborhood flooded. I can't tell you how grateful I am that we had so little damage. Our neighborhood looked like a war zone. There are still people living in tents in their yards. God bless them.
I write all of this to get it out and to let you all know that I am still clean and sober and it is totally by GOD'S GRACE. I am in awe of His power.
There are still Xanax, Lortab, Norco etc. in my house and I have NO desire to use. WOW! I never thought that could happen.
While giving my Mom her medicine one day the thought came to my mind "They are not your pills" That is NOT my thought, that is straight from God. It never mattered whose name was on a pill bottle. I would take them. In my mind they were ALWAYS mine. What a difference 22 months makes!
I am so grateful to my HP and my homegroup, my sponsor and to all of you. If I was not clean and sober I would not be able to take care of my parents. I honestly do not know what would happen to them.
I used daily for 15 years. I am now 655 days sober. I am here to tell you that if I can get clean and sober ANYONE can.
Thanks for reading this LONG post! :)
I needed to share this
I have memories of being about 5 years old and my mother beating my retarded brother. The one spacific memory I have is him in the hall on the floor and she is kicking him yelling at him about something he did, and he is begging her to stop. I am crying and begging her to stop because he is getting punished for something I did. I remember screaming out that I DID IT!!! But she didn't stop.
Today I was talking to my brother, we were talking about his shrink and how he feels good talking to him and that it's ok to talk about what happened with mom and dad now that they are gone. He told me my dad took his belt to the bottom of his feet for punishment. I never knew dad hit him. I knew he yelled at him rather than talking to him and would talk about him when he was right there, but I never knew he hit him.
I have often wondered about the coffee incendent where for some reason my brother was up real early in the morning and I was told he got under the desk in the kitchen for some reason and the cord to the coffee pot got caught up in his hand or foot and the entire pot of coffee came down on him and burned him from head to toe. I remember getting up that morning and he was on the sofa crying and had cold wet towls on him. They took him to the doctor later that day. (no big hurry) I also remember burning my hand on the iron, Well what I remember is my mom peeling my hand off it and then putting butter on it because back then they though butter helped. (WRONG) What I don't remember is if I put my hand on there and if so, why would I put it all the way on there, or if she did it. I can see the room, the old wooden ironing board and the old black and metal iron and then the pain.
I come from a long line of drinkers and I remember my cousins saying they liked comming to our house becaus they felt safe. Ours was the safe house.
I can only imagin what they went through if they felt our house was a safe place to be.
D
Today I was talking to my brother, we were talking about his shrink and how he feels good talking to him and that it's ok to talk about what happened with mom and dad now that they are gone. He told me my dad took his belt to the bottom of his feet for punishment. I never knew dad hit him. I knew he yelled at him rather than talking to him and would talk about him when he was right there, but I never knew he hit him.
I have often wondered about the coffee incendent where for some reason my brother was up real early in the morning and I was told he got under the desk in the kitchen for some reason and the cord to the coffee pot got caught up in his hand or foot and the entire pot of coffee came down on him and burned him from head to toe. I remember getting up that morning and he was on the sofa crying and had cold wet towls on him. They took him to the doctor later that day. (no big hurry) I also remember burning my hand on the iron, Well what I remember is my mom peeling my hand off it and then putting butter on it because back then they though butter helped. (WRONG) What I don't remember is if I put my hand on there and if so, why would I put it all the way on there, or if she did it. I can see the room, the old wooden ironing board and the old black and metal iron and then the pain.
I come from a long line of drinkers and I remember my cousins saying they liked comming to our house becaus they felt safe. Ours was the safe house.
I can only imagin what they went through if they felt our house was a safe place to be.
D
Judgment, craziness, and sick people
I have another stupid story to tell from the rooms. I am truly getting tired of all the BS, let me tell you. I have to say "take what I need and leave the rest" over and over in my head lately.
Anyway, so today I finally get a call back from my sponsor who has been MIA this week on vacation to visit her sponsor in another country.
She tells me that after talking it over with her sponsor (I knew that was going to cause trouble, because her sponsor doesn't know me or my life), she feels that I really have to start going to more meetings (I'm very busy at work now and am making 3 a week), that I won't get any better with my current schedule and that I must find a way to scale back my life to make "90 in 90." But I don't feel the need or desire to do that.
I explained to her that isn't doable due to my bills. I have a kid in college, a mortgage, two cars for us, a younger child, and all the regular bills that go along with all that. I asked her what she would have me cut back on. I mean, I told her, it's not like I'm buying new shoes, or taking any vacations even. I'm only 5 years from retirement at my current job, so a change in career isn't feasible now. And we're in a recession. Many of us, including me, are just scraping by, with the costs going up, but salaries staying the same.
She told me that she did it, so so could I. She says she went to 3 meetings a day when new. I pointed out the differences in our lifestyles. She is still living w/mom and dad, has no car, a part-time gig that she isn't committed to, and comes from money. I explained to her, that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live the way she does.
She told me that I will end up picking up if I don't do it her way. But I'm doing pretty well. I have 6 months, and I just spoke at a meeting for the first time. I really was feeling stronger lately.
I pointed that out and then she really got on my case about my service commitment to my home group; a reading. I selected that service because I'm a shift worker who can only make 1/2 the meetings (I'm on night shift 1/2 the time). My home group knew that when I signed up. So that didn't seem to be a problem then, someone could read the reading on the days I couldn't be there. It wasn't that big of a deal. But she said she wanted me to "resign the commitment" although there isn't anyone else who wants it. And I'm a good reader. Really good at that. Seriously, people say they love to hear me read. Sounds stupid, but they do say that at my home group. So I liked that job. It made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere.
At first, she made me feel really bad. And finally I just snapped. I went off. I told her "You can take that service commitment, and your home group, and you can get f'd." Then I hung up. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. It's my home group too. I don't know anymore. I just don't know if I want to belong to any of it right now. I'm so tired of non-constructive criticism from people who don't seem to know anything about how to live a balanced life in recovery. Or even how to help me work the steps. Or even how to be happy.
So once again, no sponsor, no prospects. Alone again. So sick of it.
KJ
Anyway, so today I finally get a call back from my sponsor who has been MIA this week on vacation to visit her sponsor in another country.
She tells me that after talking it over with her sponsor (I knew that was going to cause trouble, because her sponsor doesn't know me or my life), she feels that I really have to start going to more meetings (I'm very busy at work now and am making 3 a week), that I won't get any better with my current schedule and that I must find a way to scale back my life to make "90 in 90." But I don't feel the need or desire to do that.
I explained to her that isn't doable due to my bills. I have a kid in college, a mortgage, two cars for us, a younger child, and all the regular bills that go along with all that. I asked her what she would have me cut back on. I mean, I told her, it's not like I'm buying new shoes, or taking any vacations even. I'm only 5 years from retirement at my current job, so a change in career isn't feasible now. And we're in a recession. Many of us, including me, are just scraping by, with the costs going up, but salaries staying the same.
She told me that she did it, so so could I. She says she went to 3 meetings a day when new. I pointed out the differences in our lifestyles. She is still living w/mom and dad, has no car, a part-time gig that she isn't committed to, and comes from money. I explained to her, that even if I wanted to, I wouldn't be able to live the way she does.
She told me that I will end up picking up if I don't do it her way. But I'm doing pretty well. I have 6 months, and I just spoke at a meeting for the first time. I really was feeling stronger lately.
I pointed that out and then she really got on my case about my service commitment to my home group; a reading. I selected that service because I'm a shift worker who can only make 1/2 the meetings (I'm on night shift 1/2 the time). My home group knew that when I signed up. So that didn't seem to be a problem then, someone could read the reading on the days I couldn't be there. It wasn't that big of a deal. But she said she wanted me to "resign the commitment" although there isn't anyone else who wants it. And I'm a good reader. Really good at that. Seriously, people say they love to hear me read. Sounds stupid, but they do say that at my home group. So I liked that job. It made me feel like I finally belonged somewhere.
At first, she made me feel really bad. And finally I just snapped. I went off. I told her "You can take that service commitment, and your home group, and you can get f'd." Then I hung up. I'm so mad. I'm so frustrated. It's my home group too. I don't know anymore. I just don't know if I want to belong to any of it right now. I'm so tired of non-constructive criticism from people who don't seem to know anything about how to live a balanced life in recovery. Or even how to help me work the steps. Or even how to be happy.
So once again, no sponsor, no prospects. Alone again. So sick of it.
KJ
Dropping by to share some joy!!!!
Hello to all my friends! I don't get here much anymore, but it isn't because I don't think about you almost everyday!
Just wanted to drop in and share the joy of the birth of my new little grandson, Braden Christopher, at 2:45 this morning. He weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz, and is 20 inches long.
Here we are just four hours before he came (isn't she a gorgeous mom?):
Here are the proud mom and dad:
And here is my sweet little boy-he looks exactly like his daddy did!!
I love you guys!!!!
Just wanted to drop in and share the joy of the birth of my new little grandson, Braden Christopher, at 2:45 this morning. He weighed in at 7 lbs 1 oz, and is 20 inches long.
Here we are just four hours before he came (isn't she a gorgeous mom?):
Here are the proud mom and dad:
And here is my sweet little boy-he looks exactly like his daddy did!!
I love you guys!!!!
Happy New Year! 5769
Yes, it's Rosh HaShanna!
The Jewish New Year! :ny9
It's not quite like the regular new year. It's a period that begins with a month of introspection and a desire to become a better person.
Unfortunately, because of my mother's death, I was not able to prepare properly for Rosh HaShanna. But, I'm struck by something nonetheless.
My mom and dad are both gone now. I'm an orphan.
My son is back in prison. I want no more of the nonsense of his addiction. And I was thinking just the other day, I really don't know him any more. He's not the boy I raised. When he speaks, it's foreign. When he tells me of things he's done, it's repugnant. When he continues to do the same things, I turn away, no longer willing to deal with it or his addiction.
So, what it really comes down to is that I really am alone.
And it's ok. It's a new year.
And it's up to me to do with it what I will.
It is my desire to make the best of it, and to be
the best person I can be...
whatever that is...G*D willing. :day4
May the New Year be sweet for all of you... :ghug2
L'Chaim!
(To Life!)
The Jewish New Year! :ny9
It's not quite like the regular new year. It's a period that begins with a month of introspection and a desire to become a better person.
Unfortunately, because of my mother's death, I was not able to prepare properly for Rosh HaShanna. But, I'm struck by something nonetheless.
My mom and dad are both gone now. I'm an orphan.
My son is back in prison. I want no more of the nonsense of his addiction. And I was thinking just the other day, I really don't know him any more. He's not the boy I raised. When he speaks, it's foreign. When he tells me of things he's done, it's repugnant. When he continues to do the same things, I turn away, no longer willing to deal with it or his addiction.
So, what it really comes down to is that I really am alone.
And it's ok. It's a new year.
And it's up to me to do with it what I will.
It is my desire to make the best of it, and to be
the best person I can be...
whatever that is...G*D willing. :day4
May the New Year be sweet for all of you... :ghug2
L'Chaim!
(To Life!)
Ladies I need input…
Oh my gosh-
Just the other day I made a post about trying to get my daughter back. Well I am house sitting for my mom and dad and I also have my daughter for the entire week and guess what happened to me....
The day after I got to my mom's house DHS; department of human services; showed up to inform me that I have had allegations made on me that I let my 3 1/2 year old daughter drink alcohol, smoke weed, smoke cigarettes, and that i beat her and pull her hair if she has nightmares or wets the bed!!!!
I am so completly floored that this is happening to me...I don't even have guardianship of my daughter and DHS is being called on me...not to mention I haven't touched weed since before november of last year...and i don't drink around her...plus it's hard enough for me to put her on timeout let alone beat her or pull her hair...
The social worker interviewed me and my daughter on Saturday and said that from what she heard she was going to talk with her supervisor about closing our case but still fact of the matter is WHY WAS I EVEN ACCUSED OF THAT?
I am so lost right now and ready to give up on everything and everyone....even tho I know it's not a good idea....ahhhhh can this get any worse....
--Kaia
Just the other day I made a post about trying to get my daughter back. Well I am house sitting for my mom and dad and I also have my daughter for the entire week and guess what happened to me....
The day after I got to my mom's house DHS; department of human services; showed up to inform me that I have had allegations made on me that I let my 3 1/2 year old daughter drink alcohol, smoke weed, smoke cigarettes, and that i beat her and pull her hair if she has nightmares or wets the bed!!!!
I am so completly floored that this is happening to me...I don't even have guardianship of my daughter and DHS is being called on me...not to mention I haven't touched weed since before november of last year...and i don't drink around her...plus it's hard enough for me to put her on timeout let alone beat her or pull her hair...
The social worker interviewed me and my daughter on Saturday and said that from what she heard she was going to talk with her supervisor about closing our case but still fact of the matter is WHY WAS I EVEN ACCUSED OF THAT?
I am so lost right now and ready to give up on everything and everyone....even tho I know it's not a good idea....ahhhhh can this get any worse....
--Kaia
Frustrated!!
I'm going crasy here!
Both my mother and my father are alcoholics. I'm one too, and I've been sober for 6 weeks (wow!). I'm very determined to keep being sober because I really really don't want to end up like my mom and dad.
I thought I had such a perfect childhood. Mom and dad were always acting like everything is in control and we've never talked much about emotions. Everything was always "fiiiiiiiiiiine", when inderneath the surface everything sucked!! My mom was always this great people pleaser, she always knew how to talk to people outside the family but when it came to her own feelings she was very protective. My dad, omg! He must be one of the most closed person I've ever met. "how's it going? where are you? all good? - fine then, see you!" He's very uptight and formal. Even with me, his son. Our relationship is very complicated.
So to better get by, my mom and dad always drank too much. Daddy being one of those who hides it. And mom just drinking waaay too much when she drank. In recent years it's gotten so much worse. All the kids out of the house except me (I have an older brother and sister) they started drinking alot more. this was 10 years ago. I'm 28 now. They started fighting and shouting and yelling at eachother. My mom started to get psychotic when she drank, she once threatened to kill her sister while under the influence. Me and my siblings tried to tell them to get help and treatment or we didn't wanna see them. So they did, eventually, but they both started drinking again after treatment.
They can't stand eachother. There's no love left in that relationship, if there ever were..so now they've moved apart. But mom, who has just been to treatment again, guess what...she hits the bottle as soon as she is out! Now she's calling my grandmother, where my dad and I live at the moment (I live in the basement apartment and my dad and grandmother upstairs), telling her what a monster my dad is, that she's ruined her life, stole money from here etc etc...she's a complete lunatic shen she drinks and I just can't figure out how she doesn't see it. Btw she works but has gotten one last warning..still she drinks!!
I'm just so freaked out, angry, sad!! HOw did this happen to my family?? I used to think we were such a great family, just goes to show ha? I'm ****** up and I find it hard to talk about...sometimes I wish my mother dead 'coz I don't see a way out for her. She is sooo independent, can't even use a credit card and now she's pleading for my dad to come home and save her.
The man she hates.......it's just so ****** up!! I hate my mother!!!!! Sometimes I hate my father!!!
I needed to say this. Sorry for the rambling.
:c004:
Both my mother and my father are alcoholics. I'm one too, and I've been sober for 6 weeks (wow!). I'm very determined to keep being sober because I really really don't want to end up like my mom and dad.
I thought I had such a perfect childhood. Mom and dad were always acting like everything is in control and we've never talked much about emotions. Everything was always "fiiiiiiiiiiine", when inderneath the surface everything sucked!! My mom was always this great people pleaser, she always knew how to talk to people outside the family but when it came to her own feelings she was very protective. My dad, omg! He must be one of the most closed person I've ever met. "how's it going? where are you? all good? - fine then, see you!" He's very uptight and formal. Even with me, his son. Our relationship is very complicated.
So to better get by, my mom and dad always drank too much. Daddy being one of those who hides it. And mom just drinking waaay too much when she drank. In recent years it's gotten so much worse. All the kids out of the house except me (I have an older brother and sister) they started drinking alot more. this was 10 years ago. I'm 28 now. They started fighting and shouting and yelling at eachother. My mom started to get psychotic when she drank, she once threatened to kill her sister while under the influence. Me and my siblings tried to tell them to get help and treatment or we didn't wanna see them. So they did, eventually, but they both started drinking again after treatment.
They can't stand eachother. There's no love left in that relationship, if there ever were..so now they've moved apart. But mom, who has just been to treatment again, guess what...she hits the bottle as soon as she is out! Now she's calling my grandmother, where my dad and I live at the moment (I live in the basement apartment and my dad and grandmother upstairs), telling her what a monster my dad is, that she's ruined her life, stole money from here etc etc...she's a complete lunatic shen she drinks and I just can't figure out how she doesn't see it. Btw she works but has gotten one last warning..still she drinks!!
I'm just so freaked out, angry, sad!! HOw did this happen to my family?? I used to think we were such a great family, just goes to show ha? I'm ****** up and I find it hard to talk about...sometimes I wish my mother dead 'coz I don't see a way out for her. She is sooo independent, can't even use a credit card and now she's pleading for my dad to come home and save her.
The man she hates.......it's just so ****** up!! I hate my mother!!!!! Sometimes I hate my father!!!
I needed to say this. Sorry for the rambling.
:c004:
