Archive for the ‘Mom’ tag
Overcoming being the scapegoat
This has been something that I've personally have battled or years.
Since I went through an abusive, young marraige, I made some wrong choices and drank to numb them out along with the pain. It was a vicious cycle of wanting to be a good mom, but not knowing how and my self-esteem was beat down...so I existed.
For 15 GREAT years now, I don't drink and don't numb out and I thank God for that.
But, my two adult kids and ex have blamed me for years for that. Whenever they get depressed, drink, my son's two DUI's and now he's in jail.......it's always "if only you would of been there for me, Mom" or the ex "you need to work on your relationship with the kids". I've heard that for years,
And, guess what? My two children are grown....son's 30yrs old and daughter's 27 and ex is 52. I worked though the layers of my own pain, I took responsibility for my wrong choices and I've been here ever since waiting for my kids to gain trust in me and forgive.
I wasn't the only one in the family that numbed out. The ex did pot for years and he still drinks. But, because he's put his own blame on me for leaving him in 1984 and has never let go of that...he conveys that message to the kids.
How can my son move forward when the people in his life have not let go of the past and forgiven themselves?
I DO NOT deserve to be the scapegoat for their problems any more and I won't. It is THEIR choice to move forward and stop blaming me....or anything else for that matter.
I found this Co-depency article on how to overcome being the scapegoat.
http://www.mcgeepublishing.com/catal...cyChapter1.pdf
And in it, it also describes the different roles that each one in the family plays in a toxic family.
I am not in control over their pain and I can't fix it, but I can AND will, no longer give them the permission to make me the reason why their lives are messed up. They make their own choices.
I will always be here as a supportive mom, I'm not going anywhere. But, the past and blame has to be let go. I have my own life, too.
Since I went through an abusive, young marraige, I made some wrong choices and drank to numb them out along with the pain. It was a vicious cycle of wanting to be a good mom, but not knowing how and my self-esteem was beat down...so I existed.
For 15 GREAT years now, I don't drink and don't numb out and I thank God for that.
But, my two adult kids and ex have blamed me for years for that. Whenever they get depressed, drink, my son's two DUI's and now he's in jail.......it's always "if only you would of been there for me, Mom" or the ex "you need to work on your relationship with the kids". I've heard that for years,
And, guess what? My two children are grown....son's 30yrs old and daughter's 27 and ex is 52. I worked though the layers of my own pain, I took responsibility for my wrong choices and I've been here ever since waiting for my kids to gain trust in me and forgive.
I wasn't the only one in the family that numbed out. The ex did pot for years and he still drinks. But, because he's put his own blame on me for leaving him in 1984 and has never let go of that...he conveys that message to the kids.
How can my son move forward when the people in his life have not let go of the past and forgiven themselves?
I DO NOT deserve to be the scapegoat for their problems any more and I won't. It is THEIR choice to move forward and stop blaming me....or anything else for that matter.
I found this Co-depency article on how to overcome being the scapegoat.
http://www.mcgeepublishing.com/catal...cyChapter1.pdf
And in it, it also describes the different roles that each one in the family plays in a toxic family.
Quote:
|
In the dysfunctional family system, the primary goal of the family members is survival. Very little development takes place in the children. They assume rigid roles and don?t develop a strong sense of self-worth. As a result, they are doomed to keep playing these roles in their marriages and other relationships. In this type of family system, most normal self-development is lost. All of the unconscious focus is on the primary dysfunctional person. The enabler tries to make everything okay. The hero thinks that by being perfect, the problems will go away. The scapegoat rebels against the family problems and ultimately believes that he is the problem. The lost child pulls into a shell, withdraws and isolates himself from meaningful relationships. The mascot tries desperately to make everyone laugh in the midst of the tragedy of the family situation. Children in these systems rarely build healthy self-concepts. They are at great risk for multiple marriages, addiction, codependency and stress-related physical problems. |
Quote:
|
As codependents, we? feel responsible for others? behavior, but often don?t take responsibility for our own. need to be needed. expect others to make us happy. can be demanding or indecisive. can be attentive and caring or selfish and cruel. |
I will always be here as a supportive mom, I'm not going anywhere. But, the past and blame has to be let go. I have my own life, too.
How Do I Get Out?
Only been married 1 1/2 years, but I have had it! AH disappears for days at a time every few months, and I just can't do it anymore. How do I make him leave? He is emotionally abusive, and lies all of the time. I can't trust him, and he won't get help. I have let him get away with going to a couple of AA meetings, but he just doesn't get it. You would think that 4 pancreatitis attacks would scare him enough to get help, but it hasn't. He has a real problem and he just doesn't see it. I pray that he will get help before it is too late, but it is just draining being in this relationship. I love him with all of my heart, but today is the nail in the coffin. He has been gone since Monday, "working" as he likes to call it. He was suppose to come home today, and hasn't. My mom was hospitalized again today and he hasn't even responded to my calls or texts to tell him. I have enough to deal with watching my mom die of cancer, I do not need his crap on top of it!!! Any advice is appreciated.
In the dumps today
Hello SR Family,
I'm having a tough day today and it definatley not been one of my better days. I got laid off today and I'm heart broken because of these cut backs. I feel like I've lost my best friend, especially since my work keeps me busy, keeps me focused and so on. I help my mom out with bills and such since my step fathers health isn't so good. She appreciates everything I do for her no matter how small or big. I cried my entire drive home today while thoughts raced through my head. I'm angry mainly because I was four hours into my work day before the bomb was dropped. It doesn't help that I was one of ten people who got laid off and we were told in a group. I thought this was unprofessional as h*ll. I keep asking myself what I did to cause this, etc. So with the stress I've faced today, I made a decision to a) not use and b) go to a meeting because the support I get through meetings is great and is much needed during the rough times because when I'm vulnerable, I become weak mind, body and soul. I'm bummed out, angry, sad and unsure of what will happen next and it sucks really bad. I don't want to cry anymore, I really don't. I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I'm sorry for whining and boo-hooing as we all have our problems. I just needed to vent I suppose. Thanks for listening/reading.
I'm having a tough day today and it definatley not been one of my better days. I got laid off today and I'm heart broken because of these cut backs. I feel like I've lost my best friend, especially since my work keeps me busy, keeps me focused and so on. I help my mom out with bills and such since my step fathers health isn't so good. She appreciates everything I do for her no matter how small or big. I cried my entire drive home today while thoughts raced through my head. I'm angry mainly because I was four hours into my work day before the bomb was dropped. It doesn't help that I was one of ten people who got laid off and we were told in a group. I thought this was unprofessional as h*ll. I keep asking myself what I did to cause this, etc. So with the stress I've faced today, I made a decision to a) not use and b) go to a meeting because the support I get through meetings is great and is much needed during the rough times because when I'm vulnerable, I become weak mind, body and soul. I'm bummed out, angry, sad and unsure of what will happen next and it sucks really bad. I don't want to cry anymore, I really don't. I'm just a ball of emotions right now. I'm sorry for whining and boo-hooing as we all have our problems. I just needed to vent I suppose. Thanks for listening/reading.
1 week today! It was a tough one!
It seems like it's always one crisis after another with my kids... and my first thought it always "I need a drink".... it's how I am used to dealing...
My son, who has been the healthy one, had his check-up today and his Doctor was very concerned about his lack of weight gain and ordered a battery of tests and referred us to a specialist... who ironically my daughter has to see tomorrow anyway because of HER issues... (she had a stroke before she was born) and so I got my son in for tomorrow as well, which is a miracle... but the doctor knows what we have been through....
I just hate that my kids suffer sometimes... and I KNOW that if I drink, they will suffer more... so I refuse to give in so that I can be the BEST MOM I can be....
I have a week again.. and that is a start. I know I can do this...
Thanks for listening!!!!
My son, who has been the healthy one, had his check-up today and his Doctor was very concerned about his lack of weight gain and ordered a battery of tests and referred us to a specialist... who ironically my daughter has to see tomorrow anyway because of HER issues... (she had a stroke before she was born) and so I got my son in for tomorrow as well, which is a miracle... but the doctor knows what we have been through....
I just hate that my kids suffer sometimes... and I KNOW that if I drink, they will suffer more... so I refuse to give in so that I can be the BEST MOM I can be....
I have a week again.. and that is a start. I know I can do this...
Thanks for listening!!!!
OT: Bows
so way back when my 2nd husband and i married, after many years together as a couple, one year for christmas i decided it was time for us to start NEW traditions, our own family traditions....so i went with the bow/ribbon thing for tree decorations....cute checkered and striped bows, that each had to be hand tied to the tree. i still have a photo of my daughter and i in front of the "first" tree......
so bows became a tradition......til the year that we'd stored the decorations in boxes in the attic and they got all hot and moist and mildewed. so that christmas i announced i was not gonna do bows.....well my daughter took that as a mortal blow....but mooooo'm i luuuuuvvvv the boooooowwwzzzzzz.....so off i went to get MORE damn bows, each that had to be hand tied on the tree.
my daughter is 25 now....iives on her own, has her own tree, i've moved a few times in the past few years, but faithfully drag the damn bows with me. so i did bows again this year, the kind you have to hand tie on individuallly, cuz renee was coming over for an early christmas and god forbid i don't have BOWS.
i called renee today, we hadn't spoken in a few days, just traded some emails and i missed her voice and we somehow got on the subject of THE BOWS....and she said mom, you can quit the bow thing now...they aren't the same, so they've lost their meaning.......
this means i have FOR YEARS, a decade at least, kept the bow tradition alive cuz I thought they held meaning for her.....and god forbid i disappoint my kid or ruin christmas....
so when i take down the tree i'm disposing of the stupid bows (if i ever get all the damn bows off the tree) and NEXT christmas i get to start a NEW tradition and do the tree exactly the way I want....
so bows became a tradition......til the year that we'd stored the decorations in boxes in the attic and they got all hot and moist and mildewed. so that christmas i announced i was not gonna do bows.....well my daughter took that as a mortal blow....but mooooo'm i luuuuuvvvv the boooooowwwzzzzzz.....so off i went to get MORE damn bows, each that had to be hand tied on the tree.
my daughter is 25 now....iives on her own, has her own tree, i've moved a few times in the past few years, but faithfully drag the damn bows with me. so i did bows again this year, the kind you have to hand tie on individuallly, cuz renee was coming over for an early christmas and god forbid i don't have BOWS.
i called renee today, we hadn't spoken in a few days, just traded some emails and i missed her voice and we somehow got on the subject of THE BOWS....and she said mom, you can quit the bow thing now...they aren't the same, so they've lost their meaning.......
this means i have FOR YEARS, a decade at least, kept the bow tradition alive cuz I thought they held meaning for her.....and god forbid i disappoint my kid or ruin christmas....
so when i take down the tree i'm disposing of the stupid bows (if i ever get all the damn bows off the tree) and NEXT christmas i get to start a NEW tradition and do the tree exactly the way I want....
Explain to him?
I've come to understand/realize that the misery in my 2-year marriage was not because of his alcoholism (which he's been in recovery and not had a drink in over 5 months), but because of his abuse. He was never the type to scream or call me horrible names, nor to hit me. He was subtle, manipulative. My entire life has been run with guilt and manipulation. First by my mom, now by my stbXRAH.
I started to see something was seriously wrong back in November (about 3 months after he'd started AA). He was using everything and everyone in my life against me. I moved out, and about a week later I filed for divorce. Despite multiple times telling him that we both have issues we need to work through on our own before we could even consider reconsiling our marital issues, and telling him we need a break from each other (I've clearly said NO CONTACT until x date multiple times), he ALWAYS crosses that boundary. Always steps over the line.
He insists that we should not be getting a divorce. His excuse for crossing the line is he wants reasons, answers, goals. I've tried to explain, but everything falls out of my head when he and I talk (argue) - he's so good at making me crazy. I get off the phone feeling completely exhausted, confused, and most of the time don't remember what we even talked about. More than once he's told me I am chemically imbalanced and need mental help. But I know that's not true. My doctor sees me and knows I am not crazy.
However, I'm still in love with him. I still want him to want to change. He keeps saying, "I'm a changed man, but you haven't been around to see it" (accusing me that my moving out and filing is what's ruining our chance at a good marriage). He's always been all talk. I have no reason to start trusting his words now when his actions have never proven anything - with the exception that he stopped drinking.
He wants to meet with me tonight. He wants to talk. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll be able to hold my own. But I'm not sure I want to lose him. And I'm not sure I really want this divorce. Some days it seems so clear, then other days I just want to go home and believe it will all be ok.
I've tried to explain that his controlling measures and the way he acts like he "owns" me is abuse. And the way he talks to me is abuse. And he gets upset and says I'm crazy and that someone is filling my head full of ridiculous ideas. Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is? Is there any hope that he can see the light? How can I explain this to him???
I feel like if I just divorce him to get away, it wouldn't be "fair" because I was not clear enough with how he is abusive, since that would be my reason for divorce (and these feelings may be more imposed upon me by him and by my parents than myself, but I still feel them). He says he wants marriage counseling. He says he wants to know why I filed for divorce. And why I want time apart. And how it's supposed to help. But deep down I feel like he's just asking those questions so he can build up excuses to undermine those things and break me down further and make me come back without him really changing anything.
I started to see something was seriously wrong back in November (about 3 months after he'd started AA). He was using everything and everyone in my life against me. I moved out, and about a week later I filed for divorce. Despite multiple times telling him that we both have issues we need to work through on our own before we could even consider reconsiling our marital issues, and telling him we need a break from each other (I've clearly said NO CONTACT until x date multiple times), he ALWAYS crosses that boundary. Always steps over the line.
He insists that we should not be getting a divorce. His excuse for crossing the line is he wants reasons, answers, goals. I've tried to explain, but everything falls out of my head when he and I talk (argue) - he's so good at making me crazy. I get off the phone feeling completely exhausted, confused, and most of the time don't remember what we even talked about. More than once he's told me I am chemically imbalanced and need mental help. But I know that's not true. My doctor sees me and knows I am not crazy.
However, I'm still in love with him. I still want him to want to change. He keeps saying, "I'm a changed man, but you haven't been around to see it" (accusing me that my moving out and filing is what's ruining our chance at a good marriage). He's always been all talk. I have no reason to start trusting his words now when his actions have never proven anything - with the exception that he stopped drinking.
He wants to meet with me tonight. He wants to talk. I'm scared because I don't know if I'll be able to hold my own. But I'm not sure I want to lose him. And I'm not sure I really want this divorce. Some days it seems so clear, then other days I just want to go home and believe it will all be ok.
I've tried to explain that his controlling measures and the way he acts like he "owns" me is abuse. And the way he talks to me is abuse. And he gets upset and says I'm crazy and that someone is filling my head full of ridiculous ideas. Is there a clear, healthy way to share the abuse concept with someone who is so clearly a verbal abuser (via guilt/ manipulation/ coersion/ etc) so they understand what they are really doing and how very wrong it is? Is there any hope that he can see the light? How can I explain this to him???
I feel like if I just divorce him to get away, it wouldn't be "fair" because I was not clear enough with how he is abusive, since that would be my reason for divorce (and these feelings may be more imposed upon me by him and by my parents than myself, but I still feel them). He says he wants marriage counseling. He says he wants to know why I filed for divorce. And why I want time apart. And how it's supposed to help. But deep down I feel like he's just asking those questions so he can build up excuses to undermine those things and break me down further and make me come back without him really changing anything.
I know better
I was at peace with seperating from Ah (I posted a while ago about me making plans to leave). Before I could do things how I wanted, Ah had a really bad night and I had to leave abruptly with the kids (I stayed at my mom's until yesterday). This was about 2 weeks ago.
After much pleading from AH that he needs his family and the promise that he had started his recovery (going to counceling)and has been sober, last night I came back home.
I could tell instantly that he was not sober. So I imedately started looking for places to live (once again).
He realized he messed up and called his mother and she picked him up and took him to her house for the night.
I continued to make plans to leave (since he said he needed the house). This morning he comes home and is regretful and wanting to start more intensive treatment. I couldn't get him to go to inpatient, but he agreed to out patient at the addiction center where he has counseling. He left this afternoon and said he will stay away until we have our maritial counseling appt. on Wed.
We came to this agreement after much MUCH discussion and me almost loosing my mind! The man wants us to live together still while he recovers.... I just don't know if I can do it! He said he needs his family for stability and that having stability is a big part of his recovery..... I kept trying to explain that we should not be together right now.....<pulling hair out>
I was glad that he came around and will stay at his folks until our appt. where hopefully we can work something out.
I hate that it puts me in Limbo! will he find somewhere to stay so that the kids and I can stay here...or do I need to keep looking for a place...ahhhh
What I did realize through our discussion today is that i can NO LONGER procrastinate about getting a SPONSOR! I must do this at my next meeting. I was going to ask someone at my last meeting, but then I wasn't sure who to ask. One week I think I know and the next week it changes...ahhh....I don't care any more...lol if they have a pulse and they are at the meeting they will be asked to be my sponsor....lol
After much pleading from AH that he needs his family and the promise that he had started his recovery (going to counceling)and has been sober, last night I came back home.
I could tell instantly that he was not sober. So I imedately started looking for places to live (once again).
He realized he messed up and called his mother and she picked him up and took him to her house for the night.
I continued to make plans to leave (since he said he needed the house). This morning he comes home and is regretful and wanting to start more intensive treatment. I couldn't get him to go to inpatient, but he agreed to out patient at the addiction center where he has counseling. He left this afternoon and said he will stay away until we have our maritial counseling appt. on Wed.
We came to this agreement after much MUCH discussion and me almost loosing my mind! The man wants us to live together still while he recovers.... I just don't know if I can do it! He said he needs his family for stability and that having stability is a big part of his recovery..... I kept trying to explain that we should not be together right now.....<pulling hair out>
I was glad that he came around and will stay at his folks until our appt. where hopefully we can work something out.
I hate that it puts me in Limbo! will he find somewhere to stay so that the kids and I can stay here...or do I need to keep looking for a place...ahhhh
What I did realize through our discussion today is that i can NO LONGER procrastinate about getting a SPONSOR! I must do this at my next meeting. I was going to ask someone at my last meeting, but then I wasn't sure who to ask. One week I think I know and the next week it changes...ahhh....I don't care any more...lol if they have a pulse and they are at the meeting they will be asked to be my sponsor....lol
My Dad passed away last night…..
posted also in the Narcotics 12 step forumLast night I was at a meeting and my hubby called. It was my dad....he slipped away into eternity while watching the Viking game with my mom.... tomorrow I will fly back to San Diego to help my mom.
Please pray I make wise choices and and super vigilant about my recovery!!!!! I really thought I was going to skate into my year of clean time 1/20/09 easily. This will not be easy. I want to come home and give you guys all a good report. I do not even have my laptop, as it is in the shop.....
My Dad Howard was not ill, I had an awesome 2 weeks w/ he and my Mom....I still cannot believe he is gone....he was just 75 and may have had a stroke or thrown a clot into his lung. He was not in pain, only winded my mom said.....then he closed his eyes and was gone.
I loved him so much. He helped form my silly personality, always a jokester he was.....he was kind and a God fearing man. He did an awesome job as a Dad and a husband. He worked at Rohr Industries for 45 years as a tool and die worker. He and my mom were married for 52 yrs. He loved Jesus and the verse I have in my avator is the verse he read as a boy and received Christ as he Savior.
Thanks guys. Sheila
I love you and miss you Daddy and will see you in a little while....love Sam
(he always called me Sam cuz he wanted to name me Samatha and my mom named me Sheila) lol
Howard E. G. 8/29/33-1/4/09
Please pray I make wise choices and and super vigilant about my recovery!!!!! I really thought I was going to skate into my year of clean time 1/20/09 easily. This will not be easy. I want to come home and give you guys all a good report. I do not even have my laptop, as it is in the shop.....
My Dad Howard was not ill, I had an awesome 2 weeks w/ he and my Mom....I still cannot believe he is gone....he was just 75 and may have had a stroke or thrown a clot into his lung. He was not in pain, only winded my mom said.....then he closed his eyes and was gone.
I loved him so much. He helped form my silly personality, always a jokester he was.....he was kind and a God fearing man. He did an awesome job as a Dad and a husband. He worked at Rohr Industries for 45 years as a tool and die worker. He and my mom were married for 52 yrs. He loved Jesus and the verse I have in my avator is the verse he read as a boy and received Christ as he Savior.
Thanks guys. Sheila
I love you and miss you Daddy and will see you in a little while....love Sam
(he always called me Sam cuz he wanted to name me Samatha and my mom named me Sheila) lol
Howard E. G. 8/29/33-1/4/09
My Dad passed away last night…..
Last night I was at a meeting and my hubby called. It was my dad....he slipped away into eternity while watching the Viking game with my mom.... tomorrow I will fly back to San Diego to help my mom.
Please pray I make wise choices and and super vigilant about my recovery!!!!! I really thought I was going to skate into my year of clean time 1/20/09 easily. This will not be easy. I want to come home and give you guys all a good report. I do not even have my laptop, as it is in the shop.....
My Dad Howard was not ill, I had an awesome 2 weeks w/ he and my Mom....I still cannot believe he is gone....he was just 75 and may have had a stroke or thrown a clot into his lung. He was not in pain, only winded my mom said.....then he closed his eyes and was gone.
I loved him so much. He helped form my silly personality, always a jokester he was.....he was kind and a God fearing man. He did an awesome job as a Dad and a husband. He worked at Rohr Industries for 45 years as a tool and die worker. He and my mom were married for 52 yrs.
Thanks guys. Sheila
I love you and miss you Daddy and will see you in a little while....love Sam
(he always called me Sam cuz he wanted to name me Samatha and my mom named me Sheila) lol
Howard E. G. 8/29/33-1/4/09
Please pray I make wise choices and and super vigilant about my recovery!!!!! I really thought I was going to skate into my year of clean time 1/20/09 easily. This will not be easy. I want to come home and give you guys all a good report. I do not even have my laptop, as it is in the shop.....
My Dad Howard was not ill, I had an awesome 2 weeks w/ he and my Mom....I still cannot believe he is gone....he was just 75 and may have had a stroke or thrown a clot into his lung. He was not in pain, only winded my mom said.....then he closed his eyes and was gone.
I loved him so much. He helped form my silly personality, always a jokester he was.....he was kind and a God fearing man. He did an awesome job as a Dad and a husband. He worked at Rohr Industries for 45 years as a tool and die worker. He and my mom were married for 52 yrs.
Thanks guys. Sheila
I love you and miss you Daddy and will see you in a little while....love Sam
(he always called me Sam cuz he wanted to name me Samatha and my mom named me Sheila) lol
Howard E. G. 8/29/33-1/4/09
Up Date
Hey ya'll I have to be brief the computer I am on right now does not work very well. But I thought you might like to know I am separated from my H and staying with my mom.
I am warm and safe but still uncomfortable enough to get on with making the changes I need to make.
I am so done.
My family thinks I will go back to H. I must prove them wrong. I have told H that I want him gone. He says he is going to have a moving sale next weekend. I am going to stay out of his way. He has nothing to say I think he knows it is over. I want the THIS TRANSITION to have as little drama as possible.
My son and brothers want to go force him out now. I feel it could cause trouble and I want to just give him a little time to move on without any force. Thanks for being my friends and for your suppport. This change has been a very long time in coming...
I am warm and safe but still uncomfortable enough to get on with making the changes I need to make.
I am so done.
My family thinks I will go back to H. I must prove them wrong. I have told H that I want him gone. He says he is going to have a moving sale next weekend. I am going to stay out of his way. He has nothing to say I think he knows it is over. I want the THIS TRANSITION to have as little drama as possible.
My son and brothers want to go force him out now. I feel it could cause trouble and I want to just give him a little time to move on without any force. Thanks for being my friends and for your suppport. This change has been a very long time in coming...
